Aw honey, you aren't letting me down! I'm just asking questions, me, imperfect me, especially making the types of mistakes it seems you are learning to not make any more.

Please don't think you're letting me down. These questions aren't "leading" questions. They are just questions. I'm not trying to lead you to do anything. I don't have the answers anyway. 'kay?

Cat, I sent you an email. It was hard to come to a decision, but once I made it, it got easier. Like that expression, "When one door closes, another door opens, but it's h___ in the hallway." I'm sorry to say that, because that sounds so callous, cold, uncaring, discouraging. And I don't want to discourage someone in their own world of pain, like folks are when they get here.

Jayne, I appreciate your questions. I am relieved that you are asking to be helpful, and not because you are being discouraged or let down. I remember back when Seabird's wife posted and then left, I did feel very sad, like she was letting their kids down at the time. But he's made a wonderful life for them.

*hugs*

Jayne, I had a lightbulb moment! I was thinking about why was I happy there before, but don't want to go now? I realized that if I WANTED to be there, then I wouldn't be looking for REASONS to be enthusiastic. I'm barking up the wrong tree. It's okay if I didn't find the reasons today. They will be there if I am ready later.

That's great ears!

I know this is a difficult decision, and you aren't entering into it lightly. I know you've struggled with doing your part to restore intimacy in your marriage for an awfully long time. I support you in whatever you need to do.

We had a great talk yesterday. I told him there was a short article that I wanted to show him, (Why Women Leave Men) that explained the consideration that I was looking for really well, and addressed his fear of that turning into control as well. I explained that I am interested in being with him, wherever, but that I know we can choose to do this woithout sacrifice.

We read it together, and he said that he sees what it's saying, but he doesn't see that working for us. For example, that I was never okay with the travel, nor the long hours, but he would have to take a 2/3rd paycut for a job that didn't require significant travel and long (60+ a week) hours. That he hadn't said this, but the offers in California, while they did not involve travel, may well involve long hours, too. I shared my O&H, that I was sad that he chose to see this as an impasse instead of wokring towards a solution together. But that I was glad that he heard me out.

We all went to a Toby Mac concert last night. So much fun! We were sitting WAY out back, on the lawn, so we could stretch out and it wasn't too loud for the kids

I'm really proud of the way you keep working away at your issues, so that you can go either way, knowing that you've done your very best to make it work. You'll be an inspiration to your kids. I hope you tell them some day all you went through. And I'm proud of your H for being honest with you. Honestly, I think that coming to a decision like you two have, has let you both let go of some of your walls of protection. Much better work than you could have done a year ago.

Thanks, cat. I think you hit the nail on the head, letting down those resentment walls, willing to hear each other.

The coercion is getting worse. Earlier this week, you said, I'm sorry this is hard, and I was thinking, this is nothing! You should have seen how nasty it was! And that's how I'm feeling tonight, seeing his wall go back up. I can handle it. I really feel it, I have made it through that trial by fire. I don't have to fear H's anger. That's his choice to own, to stonewall, to isolate. Good to know that it's not about me. I'm glad that the ADs kicked in before it started up again! I'm glad that we got to have some more great memories, like last night at the concert. I can hold onto those.

I am a little sad for H, that he sees me as an obstacle instead of as an ally and a true friend, in his corner, now and always. A lot of pain there. I know that pain, too. Maybe he is handling it a different way.

Well, we all know he'll see the truth later, don't we?

Trouble is, he might not. He might always see Ears as the one that broke up the marriage. Each of us write the story the way that we want to hear it.

Ears, I'm sorry he's being coersive, but I'm glad that you are able to talk and yet stand your ground. Its tempting to look outside ourselves when we are unhappy as your dh is, and latch onto the next best thing that might "fix" us. CA won't fix your marriage and it won't fix your husband's hurts.

You sound much more centered than I've heard you in the past. Its obvious you've done a lot of soul-searching.

No, what I meant is, when he's sitting there in CA all alone, or even trying to start a new life, and it all feels like crap, he'll realize what was really important, and how stupid he was for choosing his 'dream' over his family.

I don't know, cat. If he doesn't like it, he very well could say to himself, look what she did to me! He's already saying that to me. How could I do this to him? Take his dream away. How can he ever forgive such a deep betrayal?

That's why I've been wanting to show him that article for so long. Because it explains in that article that's what some men do think in that situation, that their wives are never satisfied, that they don't appreciate what they do.

It explains that their wives aren't asking for MORE effort, but rather effort in a different direction. To be invited into all the rooms of the house. To make decisions together that both are enthusiastic about. How this is not a prison, but a freedom.

He may still say to himself, look what she did to me! That's what his brothers did. Our perspectives may be very different, doesn't make either of us bad or wrong.

Or he may remember what I showed him here, and move past his first reaction. And think through, what does he want for his life? It may not be a life with me. That's the risk I take.

I do feel pretty centered, even when he was angry. And this morning, he was calm. I don't know if my calm helped his mood. Or if the thinking and sharing he's doing is helping. But I'm relieved to see him at peace again.

I finally finished reading that Healing the Shame that Binds You. What a book! It's very overdue, and I need to return it to the library. But it has some really great meditations in there, I'd like to buy it, too. I didn't DO the meditations as written, to record onto a tape and close my eyes and do them. I did them reading them in a quiet room. But it is really amazing how detached I felt after, like an observer, grateful to be able to watch, to participate.

H has been nice on the phone this week while he's away, but I have a bad gut feeling, that his claws are going to come back out when he gets back home. That old fear of punishment. I'm usually right about that, but I remember that it can be just self-fulfilling prophesy.

So I'm CHOOSING my attitude, to Keep an Open Mind, and Turn It On, and hope for a calm weekend. It's funny, just typing that out, I'm feeling better already.

I do understand that feeling of knowing what H is going to do based on past history. But try to remember that YOU are different now. YOU have knowledge you didn't have before. YOU have power and action and movement and improvement. Make use of it. Throw him for a loop when he tries the old SOSO and you come up with a different response. Keep him guessing. Make him wonder why you are so ok with yourself now. I can't think of a thing better to make him question what he's doing.

I did notice something in your last posts, though. Do you realize how often you bring up your assumption that he will say 'look what she did to me'?

You know very well that you don't know what he is thinking, that you only know what you experience. That will be a good place to practice your detachment.

Thanks for that, Cat. I've got to get out out of this stuck thinking, of being under attack. H was happy when I picked him up at the airport last night, not angry. But if he was angry, that's okay, too. People do feel angry sometimes. It doesn't mean that we're stuck under an oppressive permanent anger forever. I am working to replace those old fears. We're partners, we can work through temporary anger.

H's brother years later carries a huge amount of comtempt and disrespect for his exes. His first wife, my nephew's mom, still pines away for him. Doesn't have to be the path that I choose. The thought is a scary one to me, that H may never get to a point where he respects me as an equal. But you're right, that's not healthy to assume and then dwell on. It's a signal to me that disrespect today is bothering me. I can't work on issues in the future. I can only look at what is triggering me in the present. Like jayne reminds me, I can ask myself if that's true or false, that I'm "less than." No, it's not true, I can let that thought go. I can replace it, remember that we're separate and equal.

Hi Ears, how are things going now that your dh is home from his trip?

He's working night and day, including weekends. O the weekend, he was home, so at least I could go out and wasn't stuck with the dog. I asked him to come home before the kids' bedtime last night, and he did. He came to me calmly and said that he doesn't like how I get agitated with the responsibilities, and that he is concerned that I would be agitated and stress the kids out when we separate. I said, I understand your concern, and I am working to address that. I am on ADs again, and that should kick in fully within the month. That when we are separated, I won't have the dog to care for, and I'll get some part of every week off from the homework and chauffeur routine.

I understand that having a dog is a stress reliver for many. Ours we're still housetraining, and I haven't taken her to dog training yet. We got her at a busy time, and H isn't enthusiastic about taking her to training himself, so she'd understand simple commands like "down." They sneak her food at the table, which makes her a nuisance. They let her go out the back door early in the morning, and then she runs out to the neighbors' houses barking, even Sunday morning. I take her on a lot of walks, but it's a lot on me with everything else.

H says that I backed him into a corner, making him work more, by deciding that I want to separate at this time. That he has considered separating - shared bank accounts, not dating, not knowing the outcome, and he asked me, what is the upside to him? That if we divorced, he wouldn't have to run it by me where he decided to stay, things like that. That he thinks we could still date.

I don't know how to respond to him, but I don't feel flustered about that. I'll know how to respond if that's what I'm to do. He is right in that I've been feeling agitated, trying to take on the responsibilities that he's dropping, to not add to the kids' stress. I need to accept that some things are not going to get done.

Definitely! Can you sit down and make a list of have to's, want to's, and would like to's? Prioritize and each day only attack the have to's. If there is extra time, go down the list.

Why aren't your kids walking the dog?

Your H is blaming YOU for separating at this point? Wasn't it he who demanded a decision on moving to California?

Yes, cat, and I need to accept that my H and I may not have the same "have to" and "want to" break down. Kind of like Jayne's Thanksgiving story. Thanks for the reminder, cat, because my "have to" list is VERY short! It's the "want to" list that's so long.

I put much more stuff with the dog, like a fence so she can run outside unattended, like taking her to training so she will be more fun to be around and she will be happier, in the "want to" part than H does. For him, that's all in the "would like to". That makes total sense that I thought this was a bad time for a dog, and he thought it was a great time.

Yes, cat, he's blaming me. His beliefs to own. It breaks down to what he thinks a wife should do. I shared that I see that it's painful for him. And that I see this drastically differently. That I believe that we could work through this together as a team, and that working as a team relies on his willingness to put POJA in place on his side, too.

The kids do walk the dog some. We need to get back into better routines. The kids have both been slammed with homework lately, too.