Believer,I nearly didn't post,I was seriously thinking of ending my stay here on MB as I am not able to stick this out.

PM thank you for your PBL. I'm going to use it word for word.

The reason I asked him about not coming home was because if his planning christmas presents already, he definitely couldn't be wanting to come home. That said, I just remembered he said he thinks about what it would be like to come home! I dunno anymore......
My logic tells me if he was thinking about coming home,things can't be 100% great on his side either...who knows!

I told DS18 not to tell me ANYTHING about WH even if I persist.....I said even if they break up don't tell me or if dad gets robbed in the shop!! (it happens here a lot!)

I can feel that my love for him is dwindling now as I'm getting angry quicker and am not afraid to confront him.I am getting stronger within myself and its getting easier to want to do plan FU.

I have prepared myself mentally to hang on till the Ddate which should be within 3 months.On the 6th Dec it will be 2 years since D-Day...
The affair started mid Nov.....they could be celebrating for all I know..LOL

You are doing well on a personal recovery level, just need to get the going dark stuff down. Otherwise, you may lose all of your love for him. And once it is gone, it's gone. Trust me on that.

Don't you dare!

Believer's right, "you have come a long way baby". (If you're a lot younger than me, you won't get that quote, lol). But you have. You just need to be firm with yourself and look out for you. Quit worrying about WH. Remember, while they're wayward, they're capable of saying and doing anything!

Stand fast in your Plan B and just be still! Next time you get the urge to communicate with WH... come here.

Hope,

Maybe you may find a useful line in this. Here is the promised attempt...

Dear WH

Lost husband.

Two years ago a man bearing your name and likeness left home to care for a woman who was in distress. He never returned. I waited patiently because I firmly believed that this man would find his way home no matter how thick the bush. He never did.

When he left, he took two things of mine. My history with him and my present without.
The first I gladly give him. The second - I grudgingly concede.

I have been faithful to this man but very nearly slipped. In my longing for my husband, another tried to take his place. Then I saw the shadow of my husband in the faces of our two boys whom he raised and shaped. So I sent the intruder away. I really need my husband to protect me from this ever happening again.

I regret too, that I may not have given my husband respect in the past that he truly deserved. I am just so sad that I could not have asked his forgiveness for this oversight.

I have begun to think that my husband is dead. For this reason: He was not a quitter and his promise was sure.

If you have seen my man, will you tell him that I want the whole nine yards. I want him to acknowledge God in his life. And I need his eyes to acknowledge me, and only me, as his wife.

Tell him that I have one last gift: My future (but only if he wants it...)

And yes, his supper is getting cold.

H&P

PS. Please address all future correspondence either through my lawyer or my sister where appropriate.


This letter may be "'n bietjie langdraadig" but what do you expect from a budding author.

Keep in touch!

Imagine, I had a lump in my throat when I read your letter.WH, as foggy as he is, will know that I did not write it. I can definitely see why you're a writer...you put all your emotion into words,something that is not always easy to do...I know I battle.
Thank you so much for the time and effort that you put into that letter...and no it wasn't drawn out!!!!

PM, I have written the PBL you gave me and if DS18 visits WH during this week after school, I'll let him drop it off. Otherwise one of the boys can give it to him on Sunday when he drops off DS16.

Today was a good day all round for me.I feel more in control of things, especially since I have direction again...hopefully this time I will stick to the plan. I feel like aan addict who keeps slipping up...my weakness being my emotions!

I was thinking, what do you do if a member of WH 's family dies? Not that its happened but wouldn't it be a LB if you didn't show your sympathies?

How would you handle that if you were divorced? How would you handle it for an acquaintance or friend? A simple condolence is a far-cry from a LB. No expectations though.

Thanks PM, I am determined to do this right...

Truthfully, I don't expect much from WH at this point but I will be fine, this I know for sure... sad but ok. I don't like WH's behavior towards the boys sometimes but he wouldn't listen to reason anyway, even if I spoke to him (been there)

I told my sister that I've rewritten the PBL so she is aware of the situation. She doesn't know that I would still like to recover my marriage,she wouldn't understand.

I wish that I could give WH my letter tomorrow but I won't be seeing him..

I am showing my ignorance here but.... what is your Thanksgiving holiday commemorating and when exactly is it?

:gobblegobble:

Food!!! Football!!! Family!!! Friends!!!

:happythanksgiving:

It celebrates a plentiful harvest. Giving thanks for all the blessing of the past year. It's November 27.

Ok I understand.....is the "feasting"similar to christmas time?...obviously turkey is the main meal I gather?

Where did this originate from?

Don't you find it too close to christmas and all that christmas entails?

Thanksgiving originated from the early days of our country when the pilgrims gave thanks for a good harvest after nearly starving and struggling to settle our land. Right fellow Americans?

Yes we begin our annual pig-out in October. First there is Halloween with all the candy and treats, then there's Thanksgiving with all the turkey and the trimmings and tons of pies, sweets, etc. and then there's Christmas, yet another turkey OR ham, more trimmings, more pies, more sweets, etc.

Oh, and then there's New Years-- another feast (if you're able after the night before) that includes black-eyed peas for good luck.

Weight-loss centres and clinics love January in America.

H&P:

I may not have posted to you in the past.

But I've read the past two pages, and wanted to comment.

Don't leave MB. It's the only REAL lifeline you have. You have come SO FAR because you are here.

If your WSTBxH wants to buy an xbox for his OW children, what difference does it make? The boys understand that it isn't for them. If it was, they could take it to your house. Your WSTBxH is trying to play both sides of the street. Its for OW kids. Yes, your boys will get to play with it when they are visiting, but they will understand REAL quick, that it isn't thiers.

YOUR phone call to him just played into his little fantasy. Do you think he and OW had a nice giggle after THAT phone call?

And no, you DON'T have to buy your boys an xbox. Because then your WSTBxH can propose buying your boys Ipods, Vacations and cars, and you feel that YOU have to fulfill his promise. You lose. He's trying to buy thier love. He has already lost it, but it all that he is capable of.

Get your Plan B letter together. FINISH IT TODAY. You don't have to wait any longer. I don't think its about protecting your love for him anymore. I think its time for you to start protecting yourself.

Asking your WSTBxH: "Are you coming Home? Have you made a choice?" is pointless. He HAS made a choice. And that is to live with the OW and her children. Please note: HE HAS MADE A CHOICE. Asking him to back away from that choice doesn't do you any good.

Sorry if these seem like drop in 2x4's. They are not intended to be. Just wanted to interject a male viewpoint.

You really need to get to Plan B.

Don't be afaid of it. It WILL be better for you.

LG

Hope, WH's favorite uncle died a few days before OS's graduation. I simply sent WH a note giving him that information through my intermediary.

It was interesting, he tried to make contact by asking about the taxes, I simply ignored him.

WH's have the ability to take care of themselves selfishly, they can't feel pain like normal people. So, do what you need to do to take care of yourself and leave him to G-d.

LG, When in Plan A and the very last conversation WH and I had I asked him what it would take for him to come home. He told me he was building a life based on honesty, trust and openness. At the time I wanted to laugh, but I didn't go there or I would throw up.

But this one sentence was the truth. WH had made his choice and didn't want to come home. It hurt then and it still hurts, but no nearly as bad. I hope one day that his choice won't drive me to despair and regret when I relive it.

Hope, Plan B is the worst possible sitch and the very best. It's all we can do to get through. We can't control WH as much as we would like to, we can't reason with them, we can't get them to give us a chance. We have to step away and just live a different life even if we don't want to.

I'm getting stronger, I'm thinking that D is a good option these days and going out a finding someone else who might be in my picture.

Take care of yourself... Be good to yourself and leave WH alone. He made his choice, now somehow we get to make ours and find strength and peace from G-d,

PM thanks for that interesting info....it must be impossible to diet through those months!

LM, I always read your posts to others here. Thank you for taking the time to post to me ....You are right, it is more about PROTECTING MYSELF now. I realise he is trying to please all the kids, to the detriment of MY boys.I definitely don't think of your post as 2x4's...I appreciate a males opinion very much.

What infuriates me about WH is that HE tells me he wants to think about coming home, I never asked him to and then says nothing has changed, acting as if I had asked him to consider it...why bother. I was doing fine then he gets my hopes up.

I have more anger towards him now to so no contact is what I need.His present life is full of chaos and he draws me into it all the time...1st. when I had to have meetings at the bank with him present w.r.t the loan....2nd. DS18's valedictory service .....
3rd. when he wanted to think about coming home....I have told him many times in the past that when the divorce goes through theres no turning back...

He just messes with my head and I allowed it.That whats makes me cross with myself as well.I am at a good place in my life.....no money problems anymore,in fact I am saving money!....me and the boys have a lovely relationship and the house is running smoothly.....my social life and friends are great too.
Along comes WH ....drawing me into his chaotic life and wham, my emotions are all over the place again!NO MORE!!

I AM IN CHARGE NOW.....

What scares me the most is that I can feel my love for him disappearing.....

Queenie, I know my previous attempts at plan B were feeble,but there was a time just before WH lost his job, that I was in a dark plan B for a month or 2 and it was wonderful because even though I thought about WH, there was no anger or negative emotions involved due to the fact that we weren't having contact. The boys insisted that I break plan B when WH told them about losing the house if I didn't agree to loan etc.. They literally begged me... and since then, the rollercoaster ride started again.

Well I am in control now and I prefer to walk calmly and at my pace on my life's path than ride on the rollercoaster with WH!!

I truely say, with conviction that WH doesn't deserve me in his life...

This is the kind of critical appreciation that writers dream of. Thank you.

I know that you won't leave the MB forum. You have too many friends here and you can't resist us.

Bravo, for getting stuck in with the gardening. We have had fabulous rains here. I'm on the Milnerton side of town. The soil is famously poor in nutrients or colloids. This means a regular trip to Eco-gro for compost.

I had long previously planned the planting of waterwise plants.
The fruits show.... Yup, stunning flowers, birdlife, insectlife and all NEXT TO ZERO maintenance (not even water).

Now about that other thing. Y'know dwelling on WH.

What WH... ?

Lastly, I thought it well to mention Psalm 126 to you.

Imagine can you believe the weather today?...its like the middle of winter! At least its good for the garden.My soil is also poor due to the fact that I live near the sea...gardening can be an expensive business but I love it! I am constantly replenishing the soil too.

I'm at work till 10pm but I will read Psalm 126 when I get home...I love the Psalms..

LOL...What WH???

Well, WH is coming here later after work to drop off a few items that DS16 left at his house.DS16 phoned him to remind him and told him theres a letter for you with your name on it! I will let him give it to WH.

I included in the letter that the boys know and understand why I'm doing this and that they support me 100%. Also , that they are not to convey any messages to me or talk to me about the goings on in WH 's life.WH knows that the boys will tell me about the shop etc.. Now WH is aware that this has come to an end. The fact that I've confronted him on issues the boys have related to me, WH knew they were talking to me about him.

The boys have told WH from the start not to ask them questions about me .....

{{{{{{{{{HOPE}}}}}}}}}

How are you doing? I'm thinking about you. How are you handling the money issues? Who is going to be the intermediary?

Do you want to post what the Plan B letter says?

DS16 had got a lift home to my house with a friend after school so it saved WH fetching him and bringing him home today.DS16 had his stuff from the last 2 weeks at WH house so he phoned WH and asked him to bring a few things round after work..he said he was to busy and he will come another time???? Hence, he never got his letter.

I fasted today and spent time in prayer between work.It helps me to focus myself.

Queenie, I am actually doing great money wise..God has definitely had a hand in this.I am able to save some too. We are not buying luxuries as much. During the 4 months that WH didn't pay me we had to cut down a lot on food and now we don't really crave all those biscuits,chocolates etc....
Also I am able to work overtime shifts which brings in extra money too.

I use PM's PBL and just added that the boys are aware of my conditions and they know not to pass messages on or to tell me about WH and the goings on in his life.I did add that I loved and missed him and that recovery was possible etc.
I said that I wanted my H back so that we can be a complete family again.

WH had said to me in our last phonecall that if he came home he wondered what would be different.So I used that line and stated that he would have to give us a 2nd chance so that we can work at those changes.

I didn't make it soppy or needy- sounding :RollieEyes:

I told him that my sister will be my intermediary again for emergencies only.My sister thinks I'm crazy to be writing him letters but she doesn't know I want him back WH will be ok with her.

When I told the kids that I wanted to go dark they just sighed and said "yes mom!"
They know me so well and how easily I fall of that wagon!LOL I told them this time I was serious and that they mustn't give in if I ask questions.

They don't think I can do it!!