I have read the statistics on affairs that become marriages. From where I am standing, it sure looks to me that she wants to marry OM. The odds appear to be against her marrying OM but she seems sure that he is "the one".

What hurts me just as much is that if she does marry Om then our children are dragged into the mess. Meanwhile, they have no say and are going to deal with the fallout of her selfishness.

The thought of OM being a step-father to my children makes me sick and enraged.

MMF,

You sound so at the end of your rope, and there isn't a
BS on this site who doesn't know what you're feeling. This will probably be the worst trauma you ever deal with. Hugs to you (((MissMyFamily)))

Still, all that matters now is what you do. That is all you can control.

Because things seem to be moving so fast in a direction you do not want, I would strongly suggest contacting the MB counseling center and make an appointment for a phone session(via link on home page). Don't let the concept of "Internet counseling" weird you out...I was sure I'd lost my mind when I did it, but at that point I had nothing to lose. And it turned out to be a lifeline.

The two people on the other end, Steve and Jennifer, are the son and daughter of Dr. Harley, the psychologist who created this MB program, and certified professionals themselves. They will not waste your your time blathering about childhood issues and what not. They will give you SPECIFIC steps to take, things to do, that will maximize your chances of pulling things back from the edge. No guaratees, of course, but these guys are GOOD.

It's $195 per session. MUCH cheaper than a divorce/child support payments and a permanently broken heart.

Peace to you.

I'm sure she does want to marry the OM, but it's your WW doing the thinking, not your W. Plus, that's not necessarily what he wants. Affairs fall apart for a reason.

You need to be taking care of yourself. Think about contacting the Harleys. It will be money well spent.

I will have to disagree with your point...

This IS my W who chose to be unfaithful. No WS gets a free pass because they are in some sort of "fog" or "addiction".

They make a selfish choice with no regard for their spouse or children so there is no room for justification, excuses etc.

I am sick of reading that "they can't help themselves"

YES THEY CAN !!!

Explanations are nothing more than some twisted psycho-babble and the BS and children are left with the pain and acceptance of their WS selfishness.

PERIOD !!!

MMF,

I know you're hurting and angry, but try not to think of it as giving your WW a "free pass."

Psychobabble notwithstanding, here is the question before you:
Do you want to reclaim the marriage or not?

If you do, you will HAVE to treat the situation like some kind of temporary insanity on her part. If you allow your (justified) anger to consume you, you will NOT be able to take the steps to pull her, and your marriage and family, from the edge of the abyss.

Granted, your options stink, but would you rather rain your justifiable vengeance down on her to prove how wrong she is and and how wonderfully righteous you are, or lure her back into the marriage by proving you are the better, more attractive choice?

Please try to get to a calm place and think about this.

What options do I have...

She is divorcing me

She is with OM and hinting at marriage

To her, I wasn't worth the effort

and on and on ....

Is there even a marriage or family to pull back together??

I have to make myself a "better choice" although SHE MARRIED ME AND WE HAVE A FAMILY TOGETHER!!!

Better choice for what?....a doormat or 2nd choice IF her A blows up

I don't see where there is anything left to reconcile.

Why would she even bother to look back when she made up her mind to cheat on me and get rid of me as quickly as possible

Perhaps someone can enlighten me as to what can be salvaged??

You can be salvaged and your family can be salvaged. Other than that, we don't know whether the marriage can be recovered.

You might be one of those that cannot tolerate an affair, and this is the end of your marriage.

But what will help you most is taking control of the things you can control.

If this is going to be your point-of-view going forward, you might as well get divorced and move on. No one will blame you. Your wife has betrayed you and her children in one of the worst ways possible. Why would you want to be with someone who is capable of something like that?

By the way, did you think your wife was capable of making those decisions? In your wildest dreams, did you imagine that she was capable of that kind of evil? If the answer is no, how else do you explain her behavior? MB tells us that it's probably the affair doing the thinking for her. The problem is that you have no way of knowing until the affair ends and you see what kind of person emerges.

One of the best parts of the Romantic Affairs thread (the original one) is when Marsh talks about what being a wayward spouse is like.

Marriages can be saved. MB teaches us that the recovered marriage can be better than the original one ever was. I don't know, of course, because I didn't get there. If you want to see where the MB plans can take you, read my thread. It's a lot, but it starts at about where you are right now.

It sounds like you're looking for validation to quit. Like I said before, no one will blame you.

That's today. You don't know what will happen tomorrow.

If you want to try to save your family (you have small kids, right?), schedule a session with the Harleys. I think they will recommend a short Plan A followed by a dark Plan B. You want to minimize your contact with a WS anyway, which is what Plan B does for you.

And recognizing things you CAN'T control.

You don't have to do anything. You are not required to try and save your marriage. Few would blame you for refusing to forgive and forget.


If the fog clears, her feelings will change. Again, that doesn't mean you have to take her back. My WW's feelings changed after she had NC with OM for a few months but I had lost all love for her so I didn't want her back. You have kids, though, so you'll continue to have some contact with her regardless.

Hi MMF

I gather that you want your wife back.

Are you contesting the divorce?
What pressure can you bring to bear on WW and OM relationship?
Can your WW be charged with adultery?
Does your WW know that you are fighting for the marriage?
Do you want a wife that supports you during fair weather?
How is the reading going with SAA?
What would attract your WW to return to you?

What is your worst fear?
Can you improve on that worst case scenario?

MMF,

Two days ago, you wrote:

"This is a process for all of us. I am not able to just sweep it aside and go on with life as if it doesn't exist. No matter what, I still love my wife and children dearly and I have to do this at my own pace. I didn't make the choice to cheat and leave so I am here to deal with the pain and anguish.

I am sure you can understand it as a BS and I will always be hopeful that we can somehow reconcile."

Now you are flooded with anger and wanting to give up.

Please understand that BSs follow a "script," just as the waywards follow theirs. You are experiencing the tidal wave of emotions that the situation delivers on your side of the script.

If you can see how YOUR emotions are all over the place, can you allow for the possibility that your WW's are too? She might not let you SEE her wavering (and she might not be doing that YET), but it's only been a few months since this all blew up in your face. This process takes many, many months--even a few YEARS sometimes--to go through.

You have to determine what it is you want. If it's a reconciled marriage and an intact family, you will have to get a hold of your emotions and get a plan going to make that happen. It CAN be done, and often successfully. Many of us (including me) have done it.

If you are too angry and hurt to consider rebuilding your marriage when the time comes that she wants to as well (and it likely will; affairs generally fall apart), your best bet would be to hurry the divorce along and get the h*** out.

The worst thing you can do is continue to flip-flop around about what YOU want. Take back your power and fight for the M, using the specific plan offered here. Even if you fail, you can walk away knowing you did everything in your power to protect your marriage and your children.

That way, there'll be no regrets.

If you decide to move forward, call Steve Harley. Today. Follow his advice.

You can still throw in the towel any time, but once you do, it's hard to back track. Get clear on what you want.

Right Here Waiting

There is nothing more I can do about the D. The mediation agreement was done in July and submitted to the court in September.

Her A started June/July 2007 and she moved out to her parent's house at the end of August 2007. She has continued to be with OM which is why she is hinting marriage to OM and trying to blend OM's children and mine.

To me, if she is still with the OM and is starting to blend families, the handwriting is on the wall.

So what am I waiting(hoping)for?...for my W to suddenly have an epiphany

I know I still love her despite what she did. She obviously doesn't feel the same towards me and OM is more important to her...Why???

Why do they not see what they are doing?

How is our marriage and family so easily cast aside without even trying?

Was our family not worth the effort?

So many unanswered questions that I cannot get my mind to understand?

Any one care to help me TRY to understand?

MMF,

I was not clear that the A has been going on since July 2007. Ugh. That's a long time to hang on to hope.

Perhaps you're right...the handwriting is on the wall.

Maybe the only way for you to move forward and reclaim your life is to get into counseling. Work through it all, rework your thought processes and learn to live (and love) again.

I am so very sorry it came to this. Please take care of YOU now. And stay close to your kids.

RHW

We are trying to help you understand. But are you listening to anything we say? We've answered most of your questions yet you insist on arguing with us as if we don't know what we're talking about.

To you the handwriting may seem be on the wall, but it rarely is. Affairs inevitably end due to reality intruding on the fantasy. Blending families makes things even harder (puts stress on even regular marriages)

Your WW won't change her mind until she has NC with the OM. That won't happen until the A ends.

She is idealizing OM and projecting her fantasies onto him. It's not real, it's the affair "fog."

Again, the fog. When you're driving a car in thick fog, you can't see where you're going. Someone could ask 'Why are you driving your car right into a tree?'

That's because, like most men, you think logically and rationally. Women don't. They think with emotions and feelings. Stop trying to figure out what's going on in your WW's mind, it's pointless. You need to focus on yourself.

Great post, BHHFSGuy.

MMF, read his post again. Lots of people are trying to help you understand. Are you listening?

I am listening.

What I keep hearing is...

You can't change her

Get on with your life

It is up to her to figure it out

Be there for your kids

Be a better alternative for your W

Work on yourself

It is what it is

etc. etc. etc.


Why is it if I just don't accept the destruction of my family that I am being argumentative?

The bottom-line is that all we do as the BS is sit back and wait for the WS to decide if their family is worth it.

The way I see it is that the WS controls everyone's lives and do whatever the heck they want because they can!!

I should have had the affair and dumped her so I could call the shots.

Will she ever get out of the "fog"?...maybe she isn't in one

I don't think you are being argumentative at all, just trying to understand something that makes no sense.

Don't feel bad, I read here for months before I posted - I thought everyone here was whacked out. But the MB program DOES work - whether you recover your marriage or not.

There are things in life we can't control. Like other people. Your STBXWW has made the decision to rip apart your family. No doubt that is difficult for you. But there is a difference between acceptance and approval/agreement. You do not have to approve of or agree with the destruction of your family. But you do need to accept the reality of the situation.

I haven't said you should 'sit back,' I've said you should work on yourself and be the best father you can be. If your STBXWW changes her mind and wants to reconcile, you get to decide if you want her back.

No, no one controls anyone else. Your STBXWW only controls your life if you let her. And you are doing that right now by wondering all the time what she's thinking and how she could be thinking that.

I'm just going to add to what Believer just wrote.

Not sit back. Not at all. MB outlines very clear plans (Plan A and Plan B). Don't sit back. Execute the plans.

So it seems but actually WS's behave very, very predictably. They follow a very narrow script. The all say and do the same things. If they think they are in control, they are not. They are on a runaway train and will follow the track until they completely derail.

On the other hand, the BS has many choices. You could ditch the WS altogether. They deserve it. Even strict religious principals will allow you this. Or you could fight to save it. If you choose to fight, you can follow a previously tried and truy system (MB is one) or wing it. You have lots of choices and more control than you think.