I'm assuming you don't want to divorce her because if you did, you would have.

So:
What are her top three ENs?
Who have you exposed to, and when?

I guess I am trying to hang on to the woman that I married. I don't have a whole lot of proof of an A, but I know what is going on if that makes any sense.

Turtlehead,

I exposed the firs OM to everyone. This time I exposed to the OM W, but she asked me how I did not knwo if it was innocent or not and that she believed her H. Where do I go form here. No I don't want a divorce, but I don't want to be with the woman that my W has become.

Expose this new A.
Do not tell her you are going to do it, just do it.
Do not rely on someone else to pass on a message, do it yourself.

Expose to your parents, her parents, her work (not just her boss but HR and the CEO), your pastor. Expose to OMW again with hard evidence if you have any.

What are your WW top three ENs?

According to the list that the last counselor had us fill out her top 3 are.
1. Go places and have fun together
2. Take care of the kids while I go and do something for myself
3. Appreciates the things that I do to show him I love him

The thing is I have never stopped doing any of these things and it did not matter. what is exposing to the OMW again going to do when she would not listen the first time. The few texts that I have read the OMW would not even give me time to tell her what they said. It is very hard to get good evidence when she has everything with her cell phone locked down. I have my hands tied behind my back. I really believe that right now if I sat her dow and said enough is enough she will say something like whatever. Becuase she believes that if we D she is going to get everything all the way down to me paying her car note, house note, and bills, she has said as much. When I mentioned this to my lawyer he told me bulls!@#.

Here is the problem. Right now you want to remain married, but if this keeps up, you will lose your love for her. And it happens very quickly.

That is why I suggest you get your ducks in a row, keep a calendar of her activities, and try to aim for custody.

How about requiring a lie detector? If she balks, then there's your answer and if that happens, go to Plan B, with a legal separation w/ you having full custody, the home, her being responsible for all of her own bills, and CS.

Show her exactly what she has to lose if she doesn't quit her independant behaviour. The choice is ultimately hers, anyway.


IDK, I'm not a vet, but I think that's what I'd do.

It does not work that easily in my state. The man in my state usually ends up onthe short end of the stick. Affair or not. according to my lawyer I have more that enough to file for D. He also informed me that during the 30 filing period to not leave the house no matter what happens. another thing that my W keeps telling me when I refer to these OM is that I am trying to control her. That I try to tell her what to do. That I try to tell her who she can talk to. The only thing I have ever said is OM1 is not your friend and you can not talk to him anymore. I tried to get her to do NC in the first case, but that never happened. Although liek I said earlier she seemed to try and show me things, but it never felt sincere. She kept telling me that I was hanging it over her head by bringing it up all of the time, but she never realized how much of a slap in the face it was to knwo that she was at work with OM all day everyday. Who would not bring it up. I have also told her that I do not liek the new girlfriend (the one that lets her get drunk at her house and drive home with the kids). Is that controlling? I don't think so. I told her with this OM that is was crossing boundries with me and that she had crossed the line. She does not beleive in boundries and will look at you and tell you bulls!@# about that. Like I have said I would like to work on my marriage, but I know it takes 2 and she is not interested right now. Any suggestions?

I'm female, but DID end up with sole custody and supervised visitation with of my 2 boys. And it was over their father driving drunk with them.

It took 2 years and $10,000., but I documented everything and won.

That woman is long gone, if she ever really existed. The woman you're with now is a user and abuser. She has no regard for you OR for her children. She can SAY she does all day long, but her actions prove otherwise.

Are you trying to hold on to your image of the woman that you married or the woman that she has become?

BTW, in Texas, CPS would have snatched those kids in a heartbeat once she was picked up for DWI with them in the car. They would assume that you KNEW where the kids were and what she was doing and you would have to prove that you didn't.

Hogfan:

Is that for the Razorbacks or something else?

Folks here have stated that you are acting like a doormat.

There is some truth to that. But your DOING THE RIGHT THING RIGHT NOW, to insure that YOU get the best deal in the divorce proceedings.

You have been doing Plan A. Modified to Plan HF, as noted above, because you new here. Please look up Pepperband's The carrot and the stick of Plan A.

You ARE enabling your WW's behavior by DOING everything while she sits on the couch and TM's with her BF's.

Tonight? Ask her to come in the kitchen and help with the dishes. If she demurs, or declines, and continues to text, walk out, take the phone from her, and smash it the driveway.

State to her clearly and calmy: "You can text Messaage any man you want, but you WILL NOT DO IT IN MY HOUSE!"

And when she protests: Shake your head, state "NO MORE" and go back into the house.

Her daily TM or VM about loving YOU, and how great your are? Of course. Do that once a day and HF is happy. She is sending 50 to someone else and 1 to you.

Believe me, I woke up next to my BW for 4.5 years and told her I loved her everyday, and went and met with OW. So, it's REAL easy for a Wayward person to DO THAT.

You have ben giving here the carrot. Time for some STICK.

Everytime she TM's on the couch, and your in the other room, she sees it as your approval of her activities. As a MINIMUM, time to eliminate THAT.

Will she be pissed? Sure. SO WHAT. You are TOO.

And that's just a start.

Spend MORE time with your lawyer. Get your ducks in a row. One day, you can ask WW to leave, but you ALREADY know what the Plan D is going to cost, and what you are going to get.

That's ANOTHER piece of the wake up call. EVERY wayward one thinks that the divorce is going to go thier way. Plenty os cash, housing cars and support. Time to slap her with the reality of that.

But you need to do a couple of MORE things before that.

LG

You've gotten dozens but you refuse to listen. It won't be long before you are taking the kids out so your wife can have 'alone time' with OM in your house.

Why can't you just do something about it?!?!!?

This is like watching a train wreck and being unable to do anything! It's so damn frustrating!

Make belive you are a man for two minutes and snap her effing cell phone in half!!!

Yes, Hogfan is for Razorbacks. Is anyone listening. If I snatch her phone from her and bust it, that will be something that she can use against me in court in my state. The man in this state has to tread lightly. I have listened to the advice, but can not do that one. Someone I work with is going through something similar. All he did was curse his wife and she was able to get a restraining order against him. I have worked on plan A. Any suggestions on how to start plan B. I can start that very easily, but I can guarntee that the messages that she leaves me, the notes that she leaves will continue. That is what is so confusing about all of this. Why does she continue to do those things. It is like she wants to do her thing and not loose her security (Me).

BS (and that's not betrayed spouse).

You've got a documented DUI against her with the kids in the car.

Snap the effing phone. I promise you will actually feel your testicles grow.

Yes, that is exactly what she wants to do, have her cake and eat it too, and you are letting her, THAT'S WHY SHE CONTINUES TO DO THESE THINGS!

If your state is that backwards, why don't you take control then? I cannot imagine any state that would not issue a restraining order against a mother w/a documented DWI and 2 counts of child endangerment. Get your ducks in a row, CYA.

You're inaction is not going to bring your wife back, in fact it'll allow her to continue doing everything that she has been.

Set your bounderies, enforce them with consequences. You're wife is acting like a child, not an adult "I can text whoever I want to and you can't make me stop"! No, you can't make her stop, but you can cancel her phone and make her get her own, and pay for it out of her own money.

You can seperate all finances and continue paying the household bills and make her pay for her own stuff. You can choose to NOT watch the kids so she won't be able to go out with her toxic friends. Set your bounderies NOW!


Or don't. The decision is up to you.


I think you should do a call out for Melody Lane; she's got great advice.

You say you're not ready to divorce.
You're NOT ready for Plan B because you've not done Plan A yet.
You need to do Plan A and expose.


Please read the link in my signature entitled "Emotional Needs".
Then come back here and tell us what your WW's top three ENs are. That will help us to help you do a good Plan A.

Maybe nothing. Maybe something. The thing is, you certainly won't be worse off than you are now.
Also expose to:
your parents
her parents
her HR dept and CEO
your pastor

Do not pay any attention to what she says. Get a plan, work it, stick to it. You have a LOT that you can do but you keep wasting precious time and energy worrying about what she says. Forget about what she says, you can't control her. Work the plans.

I can not crash her phone.
1. The phone is in her name, I just help pay the bills.
2. I do not want to do anything to jepordize my case when the time comes.

I was hoping by now that melodylane would have come on. I have seen a lot of her advice to others and it seems good. I have alos seen some good and bad today. I have exposed. It did no good. yes I would like some help with a plan A and if that does not work a good plan B.

hogfan, I am headed out to drive home from my office and when I get home I will read through your thread. You have been getting some darn good advice here from the other posters, though. Be back soon.

There is one thing I saw off the top of my head and that is her texting her OM from your house. That is intolerable. I would approach her and ask her to take her affair conversations out of your home in front of you and the children. She can drive to the roadside park rather than behave so disrespectfully in the home of her husband and children.

Quit paying her cellphone bill. You are paying for her affair when you do this.

When and to whom?
Did you expose yourself or trust that your WW told some folks?

What are her top 3 ENs?
We need that info to help you with Plan A.

I've put a call out to ML; hopefully she'll show up soon, knocking people over and tossing out her excellent advice with her usual direct approach

Thanks,

I am headed home for the weekend. Do not have computer access, but will be back Monday. I will update how the weekend went then. Thanks everyone.