Well then, just "accidentally" drop it in the toliet, apologize profusely, then put it in the microwave to "dry it out." But honey, I was only trying to help.

hogwash, I think you should start planning for Plan B. You have been dealing with her adultery now for a year and it is taking a terrible toll on you and your kids. The fact that she is FLAGRANT about it really bothers me. Her texting her lover in your home tells me alot about her mentality and that she is so intoxicated on self will that she does not see the destruction of her family all around her. Nothing you have done has served to stop her and I don't believe you can stop her.

Rather, my suggestion would be to go Plan B. But before you do that, get her to move out. [without the kids or anything else] Start getting your ducks in a row, tell your children, protect your finances and get legal protection. Once that is done, go into plan B.

There is case similar to yours over on the weekend forum and i found Dr H's post to the betrayed wife:

Update:

Thanks for all of the resposnes. I have been away for a couple of days, but here is the latest. My WW and I had a discussion about this sitch most of the afternoon on Sunday. I had walked back in the house and she was texting OM. I grabbed the phone and she went into a frenzy. We are just friend, etc.etc. Now this is all my fault. She tells me that I am monitoring her, snooping, checking up on her, etc.etc. Have I been doing that since the 1st OM yeah, but for good reason, and if not I would not have found out about OM2. She tells me that she does not monitor me, and I told her that she has no reason to. My WW continues to tell me that I am invading her privacy. I told her that marriage is an open book and there are no secrets, and she says no it is not. She tried to tell me that if the roles were reversed that I would be acting like she is because of the monitoring. I told her that if the roles were reversed and I was doing what she was that she would be monitoring and snooping.
Then she gets into the subject of going out to night clubs dnacing and drinking with one her single friends. I told her that is crossing a boundries with me, and it is not right. Nothing good happens there. She replies with only if you want something to happen does it happen. I can tell that my WW is actively in some kind of affair if not at least looking to have one, but I still do not understand why she leaves me voice messages in the mornings telling me that she loves me, or leaves me little notes in my lunch box. Can someone explain why she keeps doing things like that. Also on Sunday during our conversation she told me that everyone changes and she is not the woman that I married. She went on to say that she does not care about having money, or the belongings that we have, or the house all she cares about getting is the kids.

It is called gaslighting. It's purpose is to keep you a little hopeful and a lot confused.

She is NOT the woman you married. She is a wayward.

She doesn't care about anything but getting her fix.

Her answer that all she cares about is getting the kids is a clear indication that she has been thinking about this.

Plan B her NOW!

Yes, so she can continue to use you. She throws you a little crumb every once in a while to keep you quiet while she abuses you and your kids.

hogfan, you are only enabling your wife by allowing this to continue in your home. This is harmful to your children and harmful to your mental health. I would strongly suggest that you get her out of there and get a legal separation agreement in place that protects your finances and your kids.

More than anything, it is harmful to your wife to be protected from the consequences of her bad behavior in this manner. The longer this goes on, unimpeded, the more entrenched her bad behavior will become.

Marriage is two people acting as one. Let her montior you and you monitor her. Tell her there are no secrets in a (good) marriage.

Getting her out of the house is easier said that done in the state that I live in. During separation or divorce the H is the one that has to leave and the W gets everything. I have not been able to completely prove a PA or EA. As far as monitoring. I have never had to monitor my WW until she started this a year ago. she has noever monitored me and will tell you that she does not and does onot want to. She will tell you that is I am going to do anything there is nothing she can do about it anyway. But she already knows that I do not believe in having an A with anyone. Well her throwing out those crumbs does have me really confused.

hogfan, you might be very surprised if you check into it. We have many men here who were in similar situations who have full possession of their homes along with primary custody of their kids. It happens all the time. It is not uncommon that the WW moves out without having to even file, but just because she is asked to move.

I think if you focus on getting the goods and interfering in her affair at every turn that she might be more apt to move out without firing a shot. I would put pressure on her at every turn. One thing I would put a stop to right away is her practice of texting her OM in front of you and your kids in your home. That is absolutely unacceptable.

hogfan, do you live in a state that is no fault? Or do you live in one where adultery is admissable in divorce cases?

If there is nothing to hide, what is she hiding? if they are just friends, why can you not read it? When we are not doing something wrong, we do not hide it. we do not sneak around and make excuses. if they are just friends, she would let you read everything to show you that they are. But they are NOT.

As H&S said, people who have nothing to hide, don't hide. Your W has LOTS to hide. You have a right to know absolutely everything she does, hogfan, since it effects you. No one has the right to the privacy to destroy another person behind his back.

She is gaslighting you.

MelodyLane - I live in a state that adultery is grounds for divorce, but does not really matter when it comes to court of who gets what.

Hurtand Shocked - Yea, she keeps saying that she is not doing anything wrong and they are jsut friends. She has even stated that "I will intorduce you to him". No thanks! I just can not believe that when I exposed to OMW that she was so submissive to all of it and even asked me how did I know it was not innocent. But I can bet that human nature has kicked in and OMW is at least looking? MY WW does not believe that marriage is an open book. She believes that I have invaded her privacy and am in her business.

Where are you getting this information? From an attorney? From more than one attorney? If ONE attorney told you this, doesn't necessarily mean it's so. It could just mean his opinion is based on his experience of losing cases for fathers. Get a second opinion if that's the case.

If you're not getting the info from an attorney, where are you getting it?

I'm in the legal field and find it hard to believe that any of our states would ALWAYS rule for the mother.

Yes, I have gotten this information from 3 attorney's. This is a community property state. One even told me I don't care how many affairs there has been. Property will be split in half, I will pay child support, and W will get either the equity off the sale of the house or half my 401K. They are both about equal. Possessions will be split up, and all debt will be split up. It is hard for me to believe that after what all my W has/is doing that a man in this state has no chance. Would it be better to stay just for the kids?

Is there a reason they don't think you could get custody? I understand about the 1/2 split in a community property state. It sounds like it's a no-fault state though. You can file based on adultery all day long but in a no-fault state, it won't matter.

Hopefully MEDC will come along because he can tell you about this group for Father's Rights that has been successful in other cases.

I, too, live in a state such as this. HOWEVER, I friend of mine divorced his wife and got FULL custody of his kids, the house, etc.

Keep interviewing attorneys - there ARE some that will not just follow the cookie cutter procedures. It CAN be done, you just need to fight for your rights.

Hopefully, MEDC will find this thread and give you some good pointers.

Forget about the property issue for now. Any competent lawyer can help out with that.

A father's right lawyer is what you need right now. Let me know your state and I will take a look at the laws and possibly provide a resource for you to get some help.


BTW, don't take "no" for an answer. I am a full custody dad that was told it would never happen...blah, blah, blah.


http://www.amazon.com/Fathers-Rights-Hard-Hitting-Involved-Custody/dp/0465023622

http://www.fathersrights.org/

Medc - I am in Pine Bluff, Arkansas. Any help would be great.

On another note. My WW keeps telling me that this is all my fault. That I kept hanging it over her head by keeping bringing up OM1. That I would not let it drop. That i kept talking about it all of the time, and I did those things. But in the beginning she asked me what I needed and NC was one of the things I told her. Quit her job etc. None of it ever happened and she never realized what a slap in the face it was to know that she was going to work where OM1 was everday. Now we are working on OM2 and he works there as well. So not only do I think about the 1st OM now it is the 2nd OM also. She talks to both. I guess trying to see which one bites first if neither have bitten yet????? How do you handle a sitch liek this. Some days it seems to be so confusing as to what to do and know that it is the right thing to do. How do you let go when you love someone that gives absolutely nothing to the marriage. That is why I keep asking the question in my mind as to shy she keeps leaving messages or notes, or even being physical with me.

Hey MEDC, do you have info on similar resource groups outside the US? (sorry for the T/J)