I don't know what you decided to do in the month that has passed since your posting, but I hope you chose to respect your husband enough to be honest with him. What you chose to do is now a part of your life and a part of your marriage, whether you or your husband like that reality or not.
My husband had an emotional affair that had sexual aspects, though no sexual intercourse, with a good friend of ours. He worked with her and we were together as two couples nearly every weekend. They told me people at work gossiped that they were having an affair--they laughed in my face about it. It was while I was pregnant with our fifth child, and it went on about two years or so. On more than one occasion, we fought over the time he spent away from home union organizing with this woman, and I asked him if there was an affair. He denied. Six month ago, after 25 years, I was innocently cleaning out a closet and found a love note from her. In the insuring years, we moved to another area for 15 years, then returned to this area. My husband, in the insuring years, has become an ordained pastor. While he is a wonderful man, and does love me, I cannot get over the lies and deception that he kept hidden from me for 25 years. When confronted with the letter, he still denied what really went on until I met with the OW, who still lives in the area, although she and her husband divorced and she has recently remarried. When I confronted him with her confession, he began to deny some of her statements, but affirmed others, and told a bit more about the physical nature of the affair. He is remorseful, but he does not understand why I can't get over something that happened so long ago. I don't know if I can reconstruct our shattered relationship so long after the fact.
I hope you will not take the risk that your husband will not find out, as my husband did.

Hi L4,

It's been two years since our D-Day #4 and verifiable NC and there are occasions when I still think I cannot compete with OW.

But my H is always saying (and doing) things to help me heal, starting with educating both of us on the intensity of his violation and the months and years it will take for us to recover. Those times of my feelings of inferiority are diminishing now as we continue to progress.....2 years later.

It's only been a few weeks since you confessed to your H and he may be looking for a non-existent 'quick-fix'. Somehow he may need to be educated. Your continuing to do everything to help him heal will take more time. But he will start to get it if you don't give up or let him give up. My H's willingness to seek counseling (he set up all the appointments) helped us because I wanted the same thing. If your H is still reluctant to seek outside help, it is an obstacle, but not an unsurmountable one.

Keep seeking, venting here and doing what he needs to help him heal. Getting IC for you may help him come around once he begins to let down his defenses. Your positive changes and continued confidence may help his defenses diminish sooner.

Sorry they call this a recovery rollercoaster for a reason. Keep strapped on and the ride will become less bumpy eventually.

Ace

This was done a while ago. I've been transparant. He has cell phone records, full access to my office, cell phone, etc.

I confessed to my H four weeks ago. The OM and I ended the PA 6 months ago. So it's still all fresh for my H.

Good ideas, JL. I've been trying over and over to reassure him that he is the one I want and why. I think putting it in writing will be more effective. Thank you.

Hi, 6YL. Since my confession, my H's comfort (as best as possible) has been my priority, along with caring for my children. What we eat, where I go, what I do around the house, what I say, is all being done with my H in mind. My selfishness has come into play only when I've had to deal with my mental/emotional health, like seeing my IC and taking anti-Ds. I've encouraged him to do whatever he wants to do -- spend time with his family, go out with friends, play his guitar, be alone, be with me, ask me questions, watch football... We're actually working pretty well together and communicating very well. Whatever he needs to do to process and get through this I fully support. I support him and our marriage. And I've gone out of my way when the OM has come up to assure H that I have zero desire to be with nor correspond with the OM. OM is out of my life, whether or not my H chooses to stay with me. I tell H I want to stay married to him and why and I hope he wants to do the same with me.

I confessed to my H. He knows everything. Every dirty, disgusting detail. And he knows I'm extremely and deeply remorseful, doing whatever I can to restore our marriage and his faith in me.

Hi, Ace. Thanks for checking in.

This is what he wants. You're right. He's getting frustrated by this roller coaster.

He's still not willing to do IC nor MC with me.


I'm strapped in and white-knuckling it. Thank you.

L4,

I get that you are trying to make this work and so you are trying to give your H what you think he needs. However, that is different than letting him know that his happiness is your number 1 priority. He has clearly said that he is willing to let you go so you can be happy, I think you have a very solid understanding that your happiness matters to you H.

In reading what you have said, I would guess that he does not think or really feel that his happiness matters to you. Not just fixing the stuff you broke in the marriage but really communicating that his happiness matters.

Light bulb moment! I've had several of these moments thanks to everyone here, and another one just now, 6YL. I now understand what you're saying about helping him to understand that he is important to me and his happiness is important to me. Thank you.

L4,

I am glad to help if I can. My situation did not workout, but I hope yours does. My xW really did only care about her own happiness, but I think you are different.

Happy Thanksgiving

L4, it has been a while. How are you doing?

Well...

We're still doing a lot of talking, sharing, holding, crying, hurting... I'm really trying to let him know through words and actions that his happiness and comfort are important to me, a priority, along with the happiness and security of our children.

This last week H has been more definitive in using language that implies he will leave me. Things like, "Let's spend Thanksgiving at home since this will be our last one as a family," and "Our son is going to have a harder time with our divorce than our daughter," and "We're going to have to sell the house when we split." He also told me that when he leaves me he's going to fight for the kids. He doesn't think they should have two residences but have a single bedroom and just visit the other parent every other weekend or whatever the arrangement is. I told him then, that I will fight for the kids to be with me. He said because I'm the one who had the affair the least I could do is give up the kids to him and he'll promise I have access to them at all times. He has told me several times even since my confession that I'm a great mother and I told him I'm going to fight for them if I need to, especially since he travels at least once or twice every month on business. In a conversation yesterday I told him that based on how he's been talking the last several days I feel I need to protect myself and consult with a lawyer, just to know what my rights are if he tries to take the kids. He said he hasn't talked with an attorney yet and doesn't think I should either. I said I don't want to and I'm still in this marriage 100%, but his threats of taking our kids from me makes me feel I need to be prepared, as I don't know literally from one day to the next if I'm going to be served papers.

His brother's birthday party is this weekend. He told me today he doesn't think I should go with him, but he's not sure yet.

H told me two days ago he knows he'll never be able to trust me again. That he'll never have that with me again and therefore believes he has to leave me as a marriage without trust isn't a marriage. I told him give it time and maybe I can restore that. That I want to try. He said he doesn't keep liars in his life -- that he removes from his life anyone who has ever lied to him. Therefore he can't see how he could stay with me. It's against his principals.

Sunday morning we were talking and recalling some of our very good times together, including our kids. I asked him if he could take it all back -- meaning not have married me -- would he? He answered yes. He'd take it all back if he could. It tore my heart out. He's mentioned it before, that even if it meant not having our kids, he would go back to 16 years ago and walk away from me. I don't know what to say to this.

Out of the blue yesterday he said he is going to write a letter to the OM and the OM is not going to like what it says. I didn't respond at all.

So that's where it is. I'm staying away from LBs, looking for a job, showing H affection, telling him everything, looking as good as I can, loving him, smiling more, being completely and utterly honest, and praying for the best.

Thanks for asking.

I wouldn't take anything he says to heart at the moment.

I wouldn't even discuss lawyers or divorce either.

You wounded him. He needs a lot of time and understanding. A lot of sex as well will help him a lot.

Just my 2c

Don't entertain discussions like that with him. Just acknowledge what he's said and move on. Those are not the types of emotions you should be encouraging at this point.



IOW, his heart's not really in a D, but he's also struggling for a way to stay with you and not feel like a cuckolded H and someone's second-choice / "fall-back guy". That struggle could take years. I'm three years out from D-Day, and I still have that internal struggle from time to time.



Realize that this might have a lot to do with he thinks you may actually think of him as a lifelong partner. I believe that I previously mentioned to you before that my situation is similar in ways to your BHs, and yes, at times (though much less often these days) I too believe that if I could take it all back, I could. However, I feel this way now mainly because I feel I might not have been the best choice for my wife because, if she was truly happy with me and respected me as a lifelong partner, she would not have cheated on me.

But, guess what? There's no "Back" button in life. All you can do is make the best of the life that you have now. That's what I'm trying to do, and that's what you and your H should try to do.

I think he is part testing your resolve to stay and part give back some of the pain he has.

Do not respond to his I'm leaving speechs. I'm not taking you to the party.

How hard are you working at building his trust?

Are you having girls out nights?

Do you call him from a work phone for hi to know you arrived at work when you are supposed to?

Do you call him on lunch, and coffee breaks?

Shows that your not with OM. You do not tell him that you are showing him that you are not with the OM. He will understand the reason why you are calling. Just a short light chat with I'm on my way or have arrived thrown in.

Do you call when leaving work, if he is not home do you call him that you have arrived when you should?

Do you take a kid or your mom or sister when you go shopping?

So he knows that you can't be seeing an OM.

It takes more then giving up all pass words and cell phone to be transparent.

Does BH know how you and OM contacted to conduct the affair?

Can BH monitor these things to know that there is NC?

Your BH may of declined your offer for these things. It is your job to give him these things whether he wants them or not.

Offering to tell him is weak. Writting all this info and handing it over to him, telling him that if he lose's this paper all this info is also in a folder on the PC. This will show him that your actions are speaking louder that words.

YOUR BH IS TELLING YOU HIS BIGGEST PROBLEM IS NOT TRUSTING YOU.

You are going to have to move trust mountains. Without saying see all that I am doing to restore your trust.

Sounds like your BH is testing you to see if you will give up on him so easily. You failed him in a big, big way. He will struggle with that little voice that tells him you don't deserve another chance and that you don't mean what you say even if he wants to give you another chance.


He wants to hurt you as you have hurt him. To him your A meant that he, your children and 16 years of good times meant nothing to you compared to OM. That is how deep his pain is L4. If he continues to make such comments, if you can muster up a response once again apologize for the pain you have caused him, express your remorse for your horrible decision and let him know that you still think he and your family are the biggest blessing.

L4

Out of the blue yesterday he said he is going to write a letter to the OM and the OM is not going to like what it says. I didn't respond at all.

That's actually a good sign, don't discourage him, a man has to settle up with another man that enters his territory. As I said to my wife about someone who was interested in her, "dog enters another dogs turf and he bites him".

God Bless
NJ

I've been to two concerts with my sister (one a cousin's band), but those have been my only social time out with anyone outside of family gatherings. H has spent 3 weekends away from our kids and me since I confessed five weeks ago.

I'm currently unemployed. H works from home so we're home together all day except when he's traveling for business.

We have even had a couple of "intimate lunches" since my confession, in fact. I'm available to him almost every hour of the day.

The OM lives 2,000 miles away. I'm rarely out of the house now.

And when we're not together, I text H and email him. Right now H is in CA and I have Skype open as he's working there so we can IM when he has thoughts. Last night we IM-ed until 5:30 this morning while he was in his hotel room. When I was at the concert Sunday night I texted H when the show started. I texted him when he landed in CA yesterday. We talk every day when he's on the road...


Usually the kids are with me except for quick runs to the store or doctor's.

Understood.

Yes. IM, telephone, texts, and emails. We were together physically one time during a business trip in April. OM's BW has known since June so between her and my H, they've been able to check up and monitor the OM and me -- the truth in that we ended the affair end of May and have not been in contact in any way since I was laid off end of July. (We worked together.) Our last personal correspondence was in June when OM and his wife texted me their NC message. Our last correspondence of any kind was July 24 when through work he gave me permission to email him and his wife about a question I had about who all at work knew about our PA. He and his wife replied. My H has seen a copy of this final correspondence when my H asked the BW if she had a copy. (I had deleted everything from OM and suggested the BW might have a copy if H really needed to see it.)


Yes. And OM's BW has also been able to verify for my H that there has been NC.

I have done this. He has all records that I have. He has otherwise had access through BW.

Understood.

Thanks, TR.

Thanks, BR. I tell him every day how sorry I am for my betrayal. He's told me he needs to hear my remorse every day. He says he believes me but he needs to hear often how sorry I am. So I tell him. Because I am deeply sorry. And I'm telling him and showing him how important he and our kids are to me.

I'm doing my best with giving all of these.

Thanks again, MIM, for your clear perspective.