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Joined: Nov 2008
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I've married about a year and a half. I've felt like it was a mistake since we were engaged. My husband proposed after we knew each other 3 months. My family was in a different state, and I was starting a new life after graduation, so didn't have any friends really. I felt very isolated, and he was someone to hang out with during that time. our relationship got to the 'will you marry me?' part really fast in my opinion. i felt very panicked when he asked, and i think i said 'yes' because my parents hadn't met him yet, i was afraid of hurting him, and he was older and ready to marry. ::guilt:: if not me, then would he ever marry? it was more like a 'yes?'. i did feel good about it at one point when we talked about it before he proposed, but i felt like he kinda pushed it too.

i started to panic a lot while engaged, mostly because i didn't know if i loved him. i told him several times that i wasn't sure about it, and he always blew it off. i was scared to break it off. i almost called off the wedding 6 weeks before (again all my emotional support was out of state and felt virtually non-existent.) i decided marriage wasn't about being 'in love' and i would just make it work, so i sucked it up and went through with it.

the first year was really hard because every month i would break down, feeling like i was living a lie. we've gotten past that, and i'm trying to focus on the 'now'. i've been 'going with the flow' the past 4 months, and there has been less conflict. but i don't really feel any different.

all the advice i hear is 'how to save your marriage by falling BACK in love'. welp. i NEVER had that. he does however love me with every inch of his soul (which is kind of annoying). a lot of the times i feel guilty because i don't think it would care that much if he wasn't a part of my life, and i don't 'miss' him, or want to be around him very often. i feel like i was trying to communicate that to him when we were engaged. i have a hard time respecting him for marrying someone who was trying to tell him 'hello! i'm not sure i want to be with you' he gets annoyed because it's in the past... but my feelings haven't really changed.

instead of feeling bitter and cheated for the rest of my life, any ideas on how to make a marriage work with someone you were never sure you were 'in love with', but is a great person, with great qualities....

Some days I feel like i'm going to have a break-down because i don't want to be with this person. i get scared of bringing a child into our marriage. Other times I'm like "any two people can make a marriage work, even if they were never 'in love', if they choose to respect and take care of each other".

it seems like all i hear is "you're screwed, BUT God says make it work so you'll just have to be miserable."

Can anyone relate?? Should I give up and ask for divorce, and set us both free? I'm 24, and although not old, I'm scared to start over. Or is this fixable? And if so, is it smart to get pregnant? I've been dealing with this for a like 2 years now and I'm going crazy!! It's been like a living [censored]!

thanks

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Would you want to be married to someone who never loved you?


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Probably not. : /

I feel like my husband does though. He has said 'If you want out seriously, just leave'. I dunno, I;m still scared of hurting him though, and starting over.

I'm also afraid of trying to not fall in love with other people for the rest of my life though.

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What does "in love" mean to you?

And, how do you feel about your husband?

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love should be the same for everyone, its commitment, lust and romance, and intimacy, with all three, its true love.


Me-49 and staying there, course AARP sent me my card ugh
H-49
DD and SIL
GS the light of my life! 1 and a half, full of you know what
DS med school
always working on me
The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. Ghandi
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Wow. Is there any other man that you are friends with?

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 Originally Posted By: believer
Wow. Is there any other man that you are friends with?


are you asking me?


Me-49 and staying there, course AARP sent me my card ugh
H-49
DD and SIL
GS the light of my life! 1 and a half, full of you know what
DS med school
always working on me
The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. Ghandi
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My own experience is that if you don't have that "special feeling" towards your spouse, you never will. I cared about and loved my wife, but in hindsight I was never IN love with her, and feel like crap about that fact because that means 13 years wasted for both of us, and yes I got a similar "suck it up and stick with it" speach as well. As far as hurting him, which is more painful: the pain of a breakup, or continuing to live a charade?

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 Originally Posted By: badgas
My own experience is that if you don't have that "special feeling" towards your spouse, you never will. I cared about and loved my wife, but in hindsight I was never IN love with her, and feel like crap about that fact because that means 13 years wasted for both of us, and yes I got a similar "suck it up and stick with it" speach as well. As far as hurting him, which is more painful: the pain of a breakup, or continuing to live a charade?


then what was it? do you think you were in love before you were married, I am just curious, no judgement here.


Me-49 and staying there, course AARP sent me my card ugh
H-49
DD and SIL
GS the light of my life! 1 and a half, full of you know what
DS med school
always working on me
The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. Ghandi
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According to Dr. H, it is totally possible to create those feelings of love for someone whom you've never felt them for. See his basic concepts and "How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages":

"I theorized that love might be nothing more than a learned association. If
someone were to be present often enough when I was feeling
particularly good, the person's presence in general might be
enough to trigger that good feeling - something we have come to
know as the feeling of love."

That is an amazingly hopeful statement for someone in your situation. Assuming you want to try to save your marriage, (and that is your decision to make) I think you have a GREAT shot at doing so.
If your husband loves you like you say he does, he will likely be very willing to try any and all of Dr. H's concepts.

As to the pregnancy issue, it is my advice that you consider waiting. Give the Basic Concepts a go, and then when it works, your child will be conceive in love. \:\)


married 5 years
two kiddos- D4 and D2
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MidNovember

I think from all that you have shared that it is obvious that you are not in love with your H. You are right to face this situation and not shy away from it. Have you talked to your H about things? Does he know how you truly feel? I suspect he will not let you go willingly anyway.

Don't be dishonest. Work through your feelings and check and double check there are no underlying issues which you may well just take into another relationship should you and your H divorce. From my perspective it seems like you married the wrong guy. DO NOT even consider starting a family.

This is just my opinion and I am in no way an expert but I was/am in your position. All I can say is if you have tried EVERYTHING (individual and marriage counseling included) but it has failed then it is better to go your separate ways.

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 Originally Posted By: LaFire
What does "in love" mean to you?

And, how do you feel about your husband?


I've wondered this myself. I actually was never sure I even wanted to marry, I think because I wanted to be with someone who I feel close to intellectually, not as much emotionally. I think I've had 'in love' feelings for guys who weren't right for me, like borderline alcoholics, guys who treated my horribly, etc. I guess I didn't trust my 'falling in love' feelings because they didn't lead to the right guys. I think I should have guarded my heart a bit better because I fell in love the wrong way a few times.

How do I feel about him- I think he's a wonderful man. He's kind, I respect him, I trust him. I am attracted to him (our sex life is fine). He's an honorable man. Also, when we were dating, I remember breaking down one day and feeling like if we didn't work out, I was going to be really hurt. But we did... the heart forgets those desperate feelings of wanted to keep him though. Also, at one point, I did feel prompted by God that we were going to get married.

Sometimes I think I just resent him for 'rushing' things (that's how I perceived it.) I've had to start a brand new life, and it's been a lonely and hard adjustment. A lot of growing up to do...I do get sort of tired of people being like *gasp* how could you marry someone you aren't 'in love' with? You're life is going to be a disaster.... and all doom's day about it. It's quite discouraging. Is that what Christ would tell me? I have a hard time discerning how he would judge our marriage.

Dear Jesus- is it okay if I stay married to my husband, even if I'm not 'in love' according to a very vague standard?

Honestly, I do plan to stay with my husband, and I do love him, even if I was never 'in love' whatever that means. So, thanks (sort of) for some of you're guys' advice. Even though, I found some of it very discouraging.

Yes, my husband does know how I've felt, even told me to leave if I wanted to. Which I haven't, of course.

I miss the days when people who got married stayed married no matter what. I'm not sure people were searching for the perfect romance, but rather an honorable person. It seems like now everyone splits up... even Christians, it's no different. I don't think I want to be that. Is that crazy??

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 Originally Posted By: badgas
As far as hurting him, which is more painful: the pain of a breakup, or continuing to live a charade?


It's not a charade, because he knows full well how I feel now, and I've made it clear to him over the past year. I feel like, so where do we go from here? I have hope we can work it out, but trying to figure out if that's crazy...

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 Originally Posted By: believer
Wow. Is there any other man that you are friends with?


Not really... I mean beyond an acquaintance. I'm not sure what you mean.. like I don't have a crush on anyone else or anything.

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 Originally Posted By: lovemyabba

"I theorized that love might be nothing more than a learned association. If
someone were to be present often enough when I was feeling
particularly good, the person's presence in general might be
enough to trigger that good feeling - something we have come to
know as the feeling of love."



Ok- so I'm totally analytical about things.

I can see how I've had 'bad feeling' triggers with my husband the first year of our marriage. Like sometimes the negative feelings I get triggered with my husband are- feeling suffocated, uncertainty, feeling trapped...I can see how I've associated negative things with him. I'm trying to focus on the positive. Like- feeling comfort, familiarity, having fun with family, and mutual friends, etc.

I think I wanted to build up more history between us, and positive experiences before we married. Now- I look back on our engagement and first year and see it spotted with a lot of horrible memories. I'm making an effort to change try and change my outlook.

In times where we've reached the point of 'I'm done, I can't do this" and he's like, 'Ok fine, leave.' THEN I'm flooded with all the positive memories, and time I felt in love with him, having fun together, and all that.... and I'm like how could I give that up? It makes me cry. So I always end up changing my mind, and staying here out of my own choice, not out of sympathy for him.

But then I have so many negative memories built up again!

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 Originally Posted By: badgas
My own experience is that if you don't have that "special feeling" towards your spouse, you never will. I cared about and loved my wife, but in hindsight I was never IN love with her, and feel like crap about that fact because that means 13 years wasted for both of us, and yes I got a similar "suck it up and stick with it" speach as well. As far as hurting him, which is more painful: the pain of a breakup, or continuing to live a charade?


OK- so this is what I'm wrestling with: in marriage vows, it's a promise of what you're going to do. love you even when I don't want to, forsake all others, etc. so doesn't choosing to love him even if I'm not sure of my feelings fall under my vows? Or is it I will love you until I'm not sure I feel like I'm in love with you... I seriously am wondering. Don't vows account for circumstances in which the couple may run into: if I meet someone else I have feelings for I will "forsake all others". If things don't go the way I want them to in our relationship, I'll be here "for better or for worse".

Wouldn't everyone divorce at some point if they weren't 'in love' anymore? I really don't mind being with him, loving and taking care of him for the rest of our lives... but it seems like wherever I turn, people tell me that my feelings trump my vows? I thought only death trumped them, or an affair (which I don't intend to go there).

I'm not trying to sound preachy or my high horse, or in denial, but it does disturb me how it seems like vows don't really mean anything. Aren't we supposed to make them mean something by fulfilling them?

Even Christians have been telling me I'm wrong about this... it's discouraging.

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 Quote:
THEN I'm flooded with all the positive memories, and time I felt in love with him, having fun together, and all that....


So you did feel in love with your husband at one point then? Freudian slip?


Me: 36
FWW: 36
1 son born in Dec 2009 - confirmed mine through DNA test
1 daughter born in Nov 2010
Together: 13 years
Married: 10 years

PA/EA: January 2008 to July 2009
FWW left for OM: 01/28/2008
FWW returned for 9 days: 04/2008
FWW returned 05/21/2008

......
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OK- so I guess I did at one point. I did have feelings for him. But I feel like it was just at the beginning, and didn't have a chance to grow before we were already engaged. Once it became about commitment, I think I just freaked out and wasn't sure how i felt about him.

Like 6 moths before I met him I was still in college and like dating a different guy every month. I think part of me was like 'how is this any different than all he other guys i dated this year?' I guess things were different w/ my H, as far as, I wasn't like 'looking for a boyfriend'.. I was actually into who he was as a person.

It just went so fast.. especially for not even feeling comfortable with it.

It was like: Hey nice to meet you...dating...I think I might love you...engaged... second thoughts...freaking out...married...what the heck did I just do?...fighting a lot...questioning marriage.. trying to work through it.

But yes, I did have feelings for him. I think I did 'fall' for him. however brief our courtship was. Maybe what I'm struggling with is not having a lot of those positive memories to look back on.

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 Quote:
It was like: Hey nice to meet you...dating...I think I might love you...engaged... second thoughts...freaking out...married...what the heck did I just do?...fighting a lot...questioning marriage.. trying to work through it.

But yes, I did have feelings for him. I think I did 'fall' for him. however brief our courtship was. Maybe what I'm struggling with is not having a lot of those positive memories to look back on.


You've only been married 1½ years my dear. Get to work on building those positive memories! The more of them you build, the more "in love" you will be. You don't want to leave your H - otherwise you would do when he tells you to do it.

Commitment is scary. But, if you really respect and love your H then surrender to being committed and get to work making those memories!


Me: 36
FWW: 36
1 son born in Dec 2009 - confirmed mine through DNA test
1 daughter born in Nov 2010
Together: 13 years
Married: 10 years

PA/EA: January 2008 to July 2009
FWW left for OM: 01/28/2008
FWW returned for 9 days: 04/2008
FWW returned 05/21/2008

......
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you say he's a wonderful honorable man
and that you respect and trust him
and that you find him physically attractive


are these not part of your definition of "in love"
and how do you define "in love"


do you have common interests?
do you have fun together?
do you enjoy his company when your not being intimate?




are you expecting to be head over heals crazy
for him like a love sick crushing teenager?

one last question...
how long were you engaged?


me -37 sahd
ww -33 executive
2 kids (5 & 1)
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