Hi, HBD:
I'm so sorry to read of your situation but am glad that you are here.
I want to focus in on one thing you wrote -
>I truly believe she has an illnes. I know it is crazy for me to think this, but she must be sick so maybe she can be helped?
I suspect she has an illness, too.
I spent 12 years as a psychotherapist. I mention that only because I want you to _really hear_ this next part.
There are illnesses, and then there are illnesses. Your W has a history of disruptive behavior, affairs, lying, acting out, etc. Could be physical - some sort of neurological problem. But it's most likely a personality disorder. The symptoms escalate under stress - e.g., the lie/fantasy/manipulation about pregnancy. These folks have a "hole" inside them that can never be filled and run from activity to activity, possession to possession, person to person, substance to substance, to try to fill it up. They are moody. They are highly, intensely emotional, and extraordinarily needy. They are angry, impulsive, show poor judgment, and are frequently manipulative. Really ill folks self-mutilate. They're prone to substance abuse and other compulsive behavior. They have very poor tolerance for frustration. They are also often witty, bright, fun to be with under the right circumstances, but long-term relationships with them are a rollercoaster ride from start to finish.
Now, I don't know if any of this fits your wife. Only you can answer that. And I certainly can't "diagnose" her over a discussion board. "FOG" is a common thing, as you know, and lots of WS's sound like addicts - are addicts, in the behavioral sense. PD's also look and sound like active addicts. So it's tricky. But this _sounds_ like more than that. If it is, MB principles might still work. And that may not be the best thing for you, in the long run.
If you suspect she is ill, my very best advice is for _you_ to see a therapist, talk it through with him/her, and get really educated about it and about the impact to your marriage over the long run if you are right. A severe personality disorder is a _severe mental illness_ and - here's the part you've got to pay attention to - it CANNOT be fixed. At the very best, a bright, motivated individual with a PD who has crashed and burned so many times that he/she (usually she) is willing to try anything - even trying to look at themselves - can benefit from some cognitive therapy, which gives them the tools to calm themselves somewhat and try to apply some rules for more rational decision-making. And the disorder itself waxes and wanes for reasons no one really understands. But that's it. It's called a "personality disorder" because it is in the structure of the personality. It's chronic. It never goes away.
Those folks who have mood disorders on top of the PD (just such a dual diagnosis is common) may benefit from medication designed to address the mood disorder. Your wife may have a mood disorder. Or she may not. Sometimes severe mood disorders look like PD. Or the other way around. It takes an experienced diagnostician to pull them apart in some cases.
If you think she is sick and knowing more about that factors into your decision making about your marriage (and it should, in my humble opinion), then I urge you to go find a professional and find out. But you also need to realize that finding out she is sick might not make anything easier. Could make it harder. You'd need to decide if you're going to stick to Plan B and work on YOU. Personal recovery is a tough gig, as you also know - but important. Setting limits for people with PD is absolutely positively the best thing you can do for them and for you, so Plan B is a good thing in that regard.
However. Should you decide that you want to try to get her some help, eventually the person you're talking to will want a look at her, or to refer her to a colleague. She'd have to want to go. She'd have to take medication on time, over time if that was prescribed. It's a long, long road. You'd have to drop Plan B, or make treatment a condition of returning to the marriage. And if its a PD, it might not matter. The rollercoaster ride will go on.
MB principles are great. I'm new to the 'program' but they make sense to me in a whole lot of ways. However, just as you cannot assume that a perfectly executed Plan A/B will lead to recovery, neither can you assume that diagnosis of a mental illness will provide a path forward. Knowledge and education are a good thing, though, and if you are wondering, I'd suggest that you go find a professional and check it out.
