With the response OMW's gave, I'd bet SHE already has someone waiting in the wings. Maybe OM's affair is a RA.

Chuck, since she is not repentent or remorseful, you're right, you can't expect no contact or ANYTHING for that matter. Have you read the Plan A thread that BK recommended? Seriously. You've been LBing all over the place. You should NOT be talking about your relationship to her AT ALL right now.

I would try Plan A for just a very short time then lower the boom. You don't want to live this way and you shouldn't. Your kids shouldn't either.

Lowering the boom would be filing a separation agreement or divorce, requesting temporary orders that award you primary custody of the children AND residence in the marital home. But before you do this, you need to continue to document everything. Then when you get ready to file, you include an affidavit that includes your documentation which will show that you should be the custodial parent. Then you go to a very dark, dark Plan B. She would be FORCED to experience life without you.

Just because you file doesn't mean you have to go through with it. As the petitioner (the person that files) you can later drop the suit (non-suit). She would then have to re-file and pay the $$ all over again, unless she could convince the judge to keep the suit open. That's a risk.

I am sorry princess, I know you mean well and know more than I do, but that is just not an option right now. I have had a very good day today, hopefully it will continue, and to be honest, I do think that she is slowly softening. I don't know what that means but I am hoping. I talked to her mother today, and let her know everything that I know about the OM. I didn't tell you all. 80 fraud charges against him including identity theft and forgery, theft by deception and others. He abandoned his child from the 1st marriage at 10 months and has now cheated on the 2nd. Her mother told me that she said she has no contact to him. Her mother believes her, which makes me feel better. I know that her mother wants us to work it out, so she should be helpful! My WW called me at work this morning as she has for the last few days, but unlike the other days, I didn't answer her first 2 calls. She then called a 3rd time, and left a message saying that she was worried about me. When I called back I asked her about being worried about me and she asked if I would rather that she wasn't? I said no, but doesn't that tell you something. I left it at that, but I think that she is starting to see that she loves me still. I know that it is a long process and I am only at the begginning, but I will take what I can get. She doesn't feel good tonight, so I took that as an oppurtunity to baby her a little, and gave her a back rub and massage. If she feels better tomorrow, we will take our son bowling as a reward for a good report card. I hope I am doing the right stuff

Big K- I did read the plan A, but I do believe I should read it again. My basic plan right now is to get my stuff together at work, and try to make the home a happy fun place for us all. Today is the first day that my plan actually worked.

Well, I haven't been on in awhile. So I thought that I would give an update. I have been taking it one day at a time and putting on the best show that I can. I am always trying to be pleasant and loving, helpful, and just make home a happy place. the trouble is, that I feel like an unappreciated slave right now. For example, yesterday I got up for work at 4am. Started work at 5am. Got done work at 5pm, picked up my son and hustled home to start a bath for my WW. She said that her body was aching and tired so I started a theraputic spa bath. Raced to the marriage counsler from 6 to 7. My mom is in the hospital, nothing serious, but I went to see her and did not get home until 9pm. When I came in, WW was watching tv and son on his ipod. I saw that there were dishes to be done, I did them. Floor needed to be vacuumed, I took care of it. Then there was laundry to be done. While I was doing the laundry, WW picks up the ipod and starts singing a love song she is listening to. I just asked myself"is she trying to rip my heart out?' But I was strong and said nothing. Whenever I try to kiss her, she turns her head, I ask if I can hold her hand, no. I just say "thats cool, I still love you". It has only been a week and a half since her breakup with the OM, and no I still have no way of knowing for sure. I just don't know how long I can continue this charade before I go crazy. I feel like I am living with someone that I don't know. Last night she told me a heartfelt story about a coworker whose sister was in bad shape after a hit and run accident. She asked if I can believe how heartless people can be these days. I said yes I can. I keep telling myself that things will get better, and I am banking on that 6 weeks thing. At least I hope it is only 6 weeks before she starts showing something. This has been the longest month of my life. I didn't tell you all this before, but our house burned down on October the 5th. So I am dealing with that as well. I was thinking about booking a romantic weekend getaway somewhere, but I am afraid of putting too much pressure on my WW.

What 6 weeks thing are you talking about?

I think that I had read that after 6 weeks the fog will start to lift, and that maybe my WW will show some affection. Maybe it is just wishful thinking. I am sitting right next to her being ignored while telling her I love her. I feel so alone all of the time.

Knock it off Chuck.

Time frames are fluid.

Stop being so needy - it's not attractive.

big k, I know that you are right, i am still being needy. I think that i have everything else under control. No more crying, no more LBing. But it is hard not to be needy. I feel like a part of me is missing right now. I just keep looking at the clock and the calender, just telling myself to hang on. She told me tonight that she was in a bad mood today because she misses him. I let her know that it doesn't hurt, it makes me respect her more that she is going through this to get our family back on track. While I know that the time frames are fluid, it doesn't stop me from hoping. I think that it will be much easier when she starts to show some affection. Here is a question though. Am I entitled to answers? I know that I shouldn't talk about anything right now, but when do I get answers, or for that matter a little remorse? She still doesn't seem to understand/care how bad she is hurting our son and I. Which is another reason that I want to get though this withdraw. My 11 year old son told me that he hates his mother, that she is ruining his life. This isn't healthy for any of us.

Chuck - you really do need to take a deep breath.

Needy will result in the demise of your marriage.

Whyever would you LIE to her and let her know it doesn't hurt???? If that isn't a lie there really is a problem. It is OK to be hurt and to be honest about it.

She is doing nothing admirable right now - except going through withdrawal (if she is maintaining NC)

You can ask questions about the affair now - you don't have to wait and you need and deserve answers.

You will eventualy get remorse but it will take time.

As long as she maintains NC you can expect the situation to improve little by little.

Quite honestly, now you are confusing me. I know that our MC has told me that I have to wait until she is ready to talk. That it must come of her own free will. I have also read on this site and been given advice on this thread that it would be LBing to talk about our relationship right now. I really did think that it was a good idea to tell her that it makes me appreciate her more that she tells me that she is in a bad mood because of him. I thought that by supporting her, and not adding extra wieght to her right now, it would help her to open up more, and give her support to keep it up. If I tell her it hurts, than she wont want to tell me more, or will think that I am not happy with her efforts so why bother

chuckt

Average time frames: WW withdrawal is six months. Withdrawal is the time needed to grieve the OM loss. Not the time needed to jump back into the marriage with everything healed.

Six to one year is the time when a BH can go through an anger phase. After the WW goes through withdrawal, the BH feeling secure that WW is not leaving becomes secure enough to show his anger at what happened. Also by this time it is most likely the BH has had the truth about the affair learned.

After this first year the recovery process begins. This takes two to five years.

"advice on this thread that it would be LBing to talk about our relationship right now"

Talking about your current or future relationship together is not the same as asking WW questions about the affair.

Just a quick update, we had a fight over the weekend, when I was trying to talk about us, about where we went wrong, not the affair. More specifically, that I pointed out times that I was showing her love. She was not ready, to say the least. We have gotten through that, but today she advised me to be aware that she may never come back. I said that I understand, but that I have to jump in and say Geronimo! I can't plan for or expect life without her. I was just wondering if that was a normal comment for WW. Again, I am not looking for her to be completely ready in a few weeks time. I am just hoping that she starts to feel something for me soon. So that we can both see progress. I don't know if we will last 6 months if there is no progress.

Stop having talks with her about your relationship.

Big K,

It just doesn't seem fair right now that I am doing all of the heavy lifting. I seem to be doing it all right now. In front of her, I think that I have my act together. This is not something that i will bring up to her, but today she brought up the subject of remorse. She said that she felt bad that she hurt me, but how could she feel remorse about something that felt so good. When I want to say something, she says that I am talking too much and should stop. If I make her mad, she looks for an apartment. Like I said, in front of her, I have it together, but it isn't right that her feelings are all that matter. As we talked today, I got a WOW out of her, as I am starting to see and understand problems we may have had. I do see and understand, but there were times that I was unhappy as well, but I didn't resort to an affair. Or worse than the affair, that I have to jump through hoops to show her that I love her, while she says "I don't know if I will ever come back". I feel as though im in an alternate reality.

You're right - it's not fair - it sucks.

But the reality is you do need to do the heavy lifting for now.

and you wouldn't say dumb things if you didn't engage her in relationship talks.

Thank you big k, I am not thick headed. I just need to keep on hearing it.

Ok. So we are now at about 2 and a half weeks since she told me that she sent the NC email. Yesterday in the morning as she left for work she gave me a hug. Nothing emotional, just a run of the mill hug. She then called to see if I was down, but I told her that I am sick right now. Later when she came home she sat with me on the couch. I offered that she sit in between my legs and close to me, and she did.(hard to explain). She was there for about 45 minutes before she moved away. Since the beginning, she has said that she doesn't want to do anything that she doesn't feel. She says that she doesn't want to give me any false hopes. So that in mind, and I know that isn't the world, but am I seeing progress? I don't know whether to push forward or just keep allowing her to come to me. Right now I am just sitting back allowing her to come, so I don't seem pushy. I did ask her how she was doing this morning. She said that she is the same, still on a rollercoaster. I told her I wish I could help and that I love her. I don't know what else to say. She is at the MC, and I go in 2 hours.

I think this is all good.

She needs time to withdraw and she is moving in your direction. Keep on.

I bought a cruise for my WW for christmas. It isn't scheduled until February, but when she found out she freaked. Saying that I am trying to buy her. I told her that I was hoping that we would be through some of this by then, and would need a nice thing like this. I cancelled the cruise, telling her no harm done. On Sunday morning she was looking at the OM myspace page pictures. Not in front of me, but she knows I know. I told her that the parental controls said that someone was on myspace, so I blocked it. 2 years ago, my son wanted to be on myspace and we told him that only children and losers are on myspace, so for his own safety, no. I said theat about children and losers before she knew that I knew he was on myspace. Later, she said that she was looking at pictures so that she wouldn't call him. I said ok. Is looking at pictures the same as contact? I didn't think so. I believe that she has had NC for 3 weeks now. Yesterday I asked again if there was contact, she said no. She has told me that she wants me to stop ""hovering" meaning checking up on her. She wants me to trust her, but also says that she doesn't know if she would tell me if there was contact. So I asked her about that this morning, she said that she understood and would probably feel the same way. That she thinks that she would tell me, but doesn't know until the time comes. I asked why, she said she may be too scared to tell me. I said that I would like for her to tell me because we can't build while lying, and if I found out later it would be much worse than the truth. I really do think that she is making an honest effort right now. She still wont commit to anything, or admit to anything, and the affection is very slow coming, but I really believe that she is trying. Last night we were both in a good mood for the first time since I can remember. I was because I told my wife I need to be jolly from now on to give our son a good Xmas. I find myself wondering why she was in such a good mood. Was my mood just catchy, or I always wonder in the back of my mind, if she had contact, which was the reason for my questions. I think that I am just paranoid right now. In any case, one day at a time, does seem to be getting easier. She hasn't looked for an apartment in a week. It seem as though she is tired of everything right now though, her job her car her family, everything. Is that a normal repsponse? Thank you all for the continued support, and everyone can answer if you want, not just Big K. I do appreciate it!

Also, does anyone on the board know what the server is for Nordstom. I want to check her work email, as that is where most of the contact takes place. I need to know the server names, I can figure out the password. If anyone works there or knows someone who works there, I would be very thankful.

I do believe that looking at his myspace is just as bad as contact. In fact, anything to do with him is contact. Just keeps on triggering the feelings.

Oh Yeah!