Possibly the answer isn't within YOURSELF, but with G-d.

Just a thought.

Not much of an update.

I am still struggling....

It's tough to get the wheel back in motion...

The one thing I am not looking forward to and is weighing heavily on me... is picking up where I left off.... on the road to plan D....

At this moment, I don't see where I will get the energy it will take....

Putting a lot of effort in maintaining the 'routine' going...especially for the boys.

If it wasn't for what I 'need to do' or should I say....what I 'want to do' as a mom.... it would be very easy to let myself go.

If the saying is...taking it one day at a time...I am going for the one minute/one hour at a time....

The only thing I have on my mind...is how much I just want to....REST!

This is tough....but in a new sort of way... it's a new sort of 'low'...

It feels like everything is holding on by a 'thread'!

Insecurities about.....everything....are rushing in....and I seem to want to try to keep the door shut and feel like am just barely managing....and at any time....it will burst open....and total chaos will reign.... and everything will fall apart...

I guess this is where 'trust' in the higher power, that this will NOT happen, comes in.....

...hanging on to the certainty, that this, too, shall pass....

...if I just HANG ON!

I am sorry if this post seems somewhat DARK...

It is what it is...and I am where I am....

Now I better go and pick up some groceries if we want to have supper, and luckily I have money to buy some...

....because, no matter, there is some comfort in realizing that there seems to always be an even DARKER place than the one we are at!

Well....when it rains...it pours.

Going through my mail.

Last year OP moved into apartment above WS. Because I am co-owner of the building, I just got a notice confirming request to discontinue account for the electricity for that apartment as of December. This usually happens when there is a change of tenant. OP and WS didn't realize my address is on record for the landlord.

Conclusion? OP is 'officially' moving in with WS?

And since we are big around here about facing the truth.... thought I try and confirm if there is also a change re telephone number at that address.... and yes.... OP's telephone no. has been discontinued and guess what the forwarding number is? WS's!

Maybe the 'timing' for this much truth is just a little bit OFF!

I think I will go off and have myself a good cry!

...and THEN....try and pick up the pieces...AGAIN...

Hey Luna,

I just read your last 2 posts. I am so sorry for you. It's not much but luna

Luna,

I am so sorry too. Luna, if you aren't already on some type of antidepressant, please look into it. You have been under tremendous stress with all that you have been through lately. A body can only take so much, and I fear you are at the limit.

Luna, they really have been living together for the last couple of years anyway. You know that, don't you? An apartment upstairs really means nothing. In my eyes, there isn't much of a change, but prepare yourself in case it means more is coming.

I think it is time that you get this D over with and done so that you can get out of this hole. I think the finalization of it will put you into a different realm emotionally. Perhaps allow you to finally let go.

We are here for you....

Luna, what if you don't hang on, but let go and let G-d catch you? Just a thought.

Reach for G-d, ask him to take your hand and walk with you. Give him your pain, your sadness, your total despair. Give him yourself and ask him for help.

I love you...

Hi Lildoggie,

Hugs will do just fine..thanks!

Hi CL,


I am going to wait a day or two... and then see.


I know, CL, just looking for some pity, I guess...more worried if this means there's more...although I really can't imagine right now what else WS could do.


I do agree, CL, yet I don't see myself being able to 'concentrate' right now on plan D terms and figures, etc. I do seem to be on some sort of an emotional rollercoaster... after those posts...or BECAUSE of those posts...my evening went on rather smoothly....got supper ready for the boys....took DS17 and friends to his game...and stayed to watch it, which took my mind off of other things....

I can see that working at the loss of family and M, followed by loss of a parent can be somewhat overwhelming.... although they are quite different....

Dad was not part of my everyday life...and at his age, I really didn't expect him to be able to be 'there' literally for me and, in fact, for a long time now, I try to 'protect' my parents from whatever and reverse the roles....thinking of ways to be there for THEM ....so the presence of my parents in my life was more at a symbolic level...like a safety net that helps you make the jumps and hoping to never need to use.... having them to turn to, yet trying hard never to have to....

...I see it as part of growing... it's a 'net' one cannot expect to be there forever...

...and I can definitely confirm that dealing with the loss of my Dad does not seem to be nearly as painful as the loss of WS and family BECAUSE he is NOT dead....


I know you are, and thank G-d for that...
The posts were somewhat strong...intentionally...I was hoping that would break the cycle ....and it seems it did.

Thanks.

Hi Queenie,


Yea, Queenie...that came to me, too, right after I wrote it....

...it may just not be about 'hanging on' but more about, what's commonly known around here.....'letting go'


I love you, too, Queenie.

I have been away a bit. I hope you are doing OK. Will try and catch on a bunch of you in the next week.

Since I don't keep a journal...this is it.

So...I have just about gotten through first day back at work...as usual.... by just putting one foot in front of the other!

Luna,

Some days a toe in front of the other is as much as we can handle.

:RollieEyes:

I'm with CL on this one.

Sorry you have been feeling lousy.

Luna

Hi Queenie,


...whatever it takes, Queenie. Take care.

Hi SD,

I am with CL, too. Now, it's a matter of finding the energy to get through the process. That's where I am having a bit of trouble with...

I do think it's a catch-22 situation... were I to be past Plan D I would probably better handle Plan D...emotionally! :crosseyedcrazy:

I am finding that losing a parent changes one's perspective... A LOT! Many things I thought were important before...just don't seem to 'cut it' anymore... I am curious to see if this is temporary or a permanent change.

I am working hard at feeling less lousy...giving myself time... while getting the essential done...

Sometimes I feel like I have been hit by a BUS! :RollieEyes:

Just wanted to let you know that I am here, too, Luna.

Give yourself a break. What you can do right now is what you can do. Let that be okay.

I know the process of D is hard. But know this, it will free you.

For people like us who tend to burden ourselves with too much responsibility, it gives us permission to let go of some of the weight without adding the weight of guilt.

At this point, you are tied to him but have no control. This means control over your own situation, not just his. What he does effects you. The D will release alot of that. The emotions take a bit longer, but the final D is the starting gate.

It is your RIGHT, luna, to be free from the chaos. You also have the right to make it happen on your terms.

You deserve better. Know it and demand it.

Fox

Hi Fox,

You are certainly an example that things can get better post plan D.


Even though the 'biggest' ties will remain....the boys! I agree... Plan D will free me somewhat of the financial ties.... and further reduce worries, rightly so, about future uncertainties that come with being financially tied to a wayward, as well as allow me to make decisions independent of WS.

At this point, though, I am struggling a bit....knowing that plan D will take a certain amount of energy... yet finding my energy meter being at LOW right now...

This past month has been tough...and the boys' birthdays / holiday seasons / major changes at work are coming up...

...and seeing that I have been at this for awhile, I can certainly see how even some around might be getting tired of hearing about me struggling...it certainly is taking me a lot longer than many! ...and I do take responsibility for that...and am trying to be accepting of myself and not judge or be hard on myself too much...

...and continue to manage things the best I can...using Plan B to protect me as much as possible... while working at 'turning the corner'....

..but you as well as others around here are certainly an inspiration for wanting to get to post-plan D.

I really do appreciate your support.

This:



is because of:


It's like a slow leak in a tire. It just keeps getting lower, and lower, and lower, and lower.......

'til your flat.

I don't know what the answer for you is, but the longer this drags on, the flatter you are getting.

Your personal recovery will be all the harder the weaker you get.

I'm not tired of hearing of your struggles, I just hate to see you in it. I know what that feels like and I hate that for you.

Only YOU can make it better, luna. Take some time to recover from the loss of your loved one and then make a plan for making a life that luna will enjoy.

You MUST recognize that you deserve better than a perpetual holding pattern. KNOW it and DEMAND it - from yourself.


There will always be something.....life is like that.

You have so much more inner strength than you know. Trust that it is there.

Fox

Hi Fox,


Thank you for your concern, Fox. You are right...it is a question of demanding more of myself...FOR myself...which I don't think I was really doing before, always putting others' needs first...so this is new to me.


I am realizing that now...I was hoping for a time where I would not be juggling so many balls....but it's obvious now that SOMETHING will always COME UP!

I think you may have hit it on the nail.... Do I trust myself enough to know that I have the inner strength and have what it takes?

...the truth may that, no, I don't....and yet, here I am....surviving so much!

I am not sure how I can go about CONVINCING myself that I have what it takes!

Logically I can see it... I even surprise myself at how well I have been managing and functioning.... when looking back, seeing how devastated I was, and seeing how far I have come says so.... and yet I don't FEEL confident, deep down... and I know this in a way is like giving away my power...

I know that there is no magic formula... I work at adopting healthier tools for coping.... focusing and working on what I can do TODAY.... putting one foot in front of the other.... I stay hopeful that one day all of this will come together to help me not be so concerned with the uncertainties of the unknown... to trust myself more and have enough confidence in myself and that I can and will overcome whatever I am faced with, even when it's out of my control....and that the answer lies in my RESPONSE to these events....

I guess it doesn't yet feel like I have 'internalized' all of that yet...after so many years of going about life in less healthier ways....which I wasn't even aware of! ...some patience and more practice may be in order...

Thank you for your post. It certainly has helped me a lot in identifying some 'blocks'.

The fact of the matter is, with Plan B I am protecting myself as much as I can, Plan D is in process...I have had 3 mediation sessions with WS.... some items have been settled... and there will be court deadlines to meet...and decisions to make... and that's a long way from where I was at D-day!

One thing is for sure...I do want to get to the other side...by keeping that objective in mind, I hope and trust that whatever I do will be guided by it.

Thanks, Fox. Thanks a million.

Part of why you've been putting it off is that it's not what you want. You did an amazing job of enveloping yourself in a dark Plan B to protect yourself from wayward madness.

It worked. You still want to reconcile. But your WH doesn't.

It's been long enough. Part of Plan B is putting a component of your own life on hold. Jennifer described told me that it's a way to survive this period of insanity in your life. That period has gone on long enough for you.

It's time to do something else. Something for Luna.

So, yes, what you have to do now will be different. It will be uncomfortable and take energy and maybe even hurt. You've gotten so comfortable in your plan B that it will take effort to do something else. But I can tell you that there are better things waiting for you on the other side.

I think you know that the other side is going to be a better place. The more you can visualize it and imagine it, the easier it will be to do the things you need to do to get there.

Exactly. This is the crux of your problem right now. You are not valuable enough to yourself.



Yup, me too. I still struggle with this and catch myself doing more sacrificing that I should. It's a habit that is hard to break. You have to start somewhere.

Your boys will take their lead from you. Will they expect their women to be the ultimate sacrificer like their mother or will they recognize that she is valuable and deserves to "win" sometimes, too?


Keep reminding yourself of this. You ARE doing it and have been doing it for quite some time.

Carry on, luna. You will learn to trust yourself. Make sure you recognize all that you have done and how far you have come. Make note of it because IT IS important.

Fox

Luna,

We all have to do this in our own time. I also wonder why I just can't accept it and go on with things. Somedays I think I'm ready, and some days not.

I asked a friend of mine how she got through it. Her xH left her and married the OP, and that was on the heels of the suicide of their teenaged son. I look at her and I have so much admiration. I don't know how she did it. She said that one day she woke up and realized that she hadn't thought about it much. Says it got better from there. If she can get through, I think we can too.

Take your time, but also realize when it becomes a rut that you are stuck in. Don't get to that point.

Maybe someday when our heart heals outside, there will be someone else to fill the hole still left inside. Someone who will enable us to have a better relationship than we could have imagined. I have to wait 9 years. They told us in D-care group that we should wait 1 year for every 4 that we were M, so I'm scouting out the assisted living place now.....

Hi SD,

I agree with all that you have said. I need to get past this last hurdle, and as long as WS remains wayward...and shows no consideration for my feelings, I can continue to maintain Plan B...I don't expect to be doing any 'friendly co-parenting' any time soon. It may be different when children are younger as in your case...mine are not so young.

I just need to figure out where and how to get the strength to get through this Plan D, and among other things, also figure out how to not lose my 'sleep' taking on financial responsibilities that were initially intended to be shared, and which right now I still find overwhelming.

...objectively, I don't see why I shouldn't be able to do it, since I have survived this far already...

...yes, it will be painful...but I think if a BS survives D-day...Plan D can't be much worse!

...yes, I am comfortable in Plan B, but Plan D does not necessarily mean that I have to give it up as a 'protection mechanism'.... I can go through Plan D and hold on to my Plan B as long as I need to....

...what seems to work for me is 'breaking down' the process and taking small bites out of it.... I never thought I would consider mediation, and yet I have had three sessions so far....

If I am in a 'rut' I know you want to see me out of it just as much as I do...and I guess it's even easier for you guys to see it from the outside...

...and I thank you, SD, and everyone else for caring.