Becouse you only have two choices. Accept it, or fight it, you seem to be/have done neither.

Really? Thats not what I did. I started running, lifting weights, sunbathing at a local pool, paying off my debts, dressing nicer, taking care of my outward appearance (shaving, hair cuts, plucked eye-brows, etc) going out with freinds, meeting new people, I read SSA, about 50 articles on here, hundreds of posts, went to IC, and followed Plan-A as best I could. I hired a lawyer and did everything I could to stall my divorce.

I FOUGHT!!!

Thats what I did.

Correct, but they dont see that. Due to certain chemicals in her brain she BELIVES she is IN LOVE with OM. But what she is feeling is not love, it's fantasy mixed with lust. But you cant force them to see that!! They will, eventually, but it will be months, or years. You cant MAKE anyone do anything, and you cant STOP onyone from doing anything. All you can controll is yourself.

Doesn't work that way.

Call it fog, or anything else you want. Belive me, Once the fog starts clearing you will understand why they call it fog. My WW is in the patchy fog stage now. It is so obviouse when the fog rolls in, and just as obviouse when it rolls out. This can happen over a few minuts, or a few days.

You have every right to be angry. What you're experiencing is probably the most painful thing you will ever endure. The worst form of betrayal possible from the person who swore they would protect you forever. So you're allowed to be confused and argumentative.

But, seriously, what are your choices? It IS happening, and you can't stop her from divorcing you and marrying the other guy.

"I don't accept the destruction of my family" leads to "I can fix this" which pretty quickly leads to "Why can't she see what she is doing?" and "I should be able to convince her" and "if only she would" and "but what if," and I'm trying to tell you that down that path lies madness. I know.

Look, nobody fought reality harder than me. I struggled, squirmed, looked for angles, talked to my WW's parents, asked why, tried to understand--none of it worked. One of the veteran posters used to tell me that I was making myself miserable because I was struggling with God, and it was true. I was fighting against What Is. "This is wrong. It's not supposed to be this way" is what I wanted to scream, and I was right. It is wrong, but continuing to fight against something over which you have no control will make you miserable.

And you can't control your WW. Fog is real. If you can't get your head around that, you are better off embracing the divorce. Expecting her to make rational decisions is going to make you extremely frustrated. That's why we talk about the alien or the addict. It's not a free pass. It's not an excuse. It's just a way for you to think about her that lets you do the things you need to do. The sooner you stop asking "how could my wife do this to me?" and start thinking "I miss my wife, but all I have to work with is this person I don't even like," the easier things will be for you.

So. . . what is it you want? I hear you saying "This sucks." And it does. No question about that. We understand. We feel for you.

Do you want to try to save your marriage? We've outlined some things you can do. Gack's was another of several great posts to you. I still recommend an appointment with the Harleys as a starting point.

Or do you just want out? That's an option, too. No one will blame you. Your WW has earned all of the karmic hell that she has coming.

Or maybe you just want for this to not be happening. I certainly understand that, but it's not something we can help you with.

I have been reading this forum over and over.

So based on my situation(below), what should I expect to occur with my WW?

- financial difficulties

- filed bankruptcy

- house was in default when she left, lost it a year later

- we were emotionally distant during the financial stress

- she started with OM while we were still together

- is already hinting M with OM

- OM is recently divorced with 3 children

- we have 2 children(6&5)

- she has re-written M history

- she said that when she started "talking" to OM she was "done"

- pushed D through mediation and was signed in July(not finalized yet)

- threatened me with restraining order if I didn't agree with D

- blames me for everything that went wrong in our M


I could go on and on. It seems that once the WS gets the divorce they so desperately have to have, they don't come back.

I read about success stories but rarely AFTER D is final.

Seems that the only way a WS "looks back" is if OP dumps or hurts them.

Am I wrong?

What hope even exists for us BS?

Affairs almost always end, so you can DO NOTHING, and that will probably happen. But it is better to work on the things you can change so you have a better life however it turns out.

Do you mind going into more detail about the financial mistakes? I take it that you didn't POJA that?

Personal recovery, for starters. Whether you are in your 20's or your 70's or anywhere in between, you have a lot of years left. I know it sounds lame, but it does get better, whether you recover your marriage or not. And without personal recovery, there cannot be marital recovery. If you look closely at the plans, personal recovery is an integral part of them.

I dont understand this.

Of course she does. They all do, there brain cant accept that what they are doing is wrong, it must be your fault, you pushed them to this.


1. If I would have not stalled my divorce every way I could I would have been divorced 4 months ago. Now, there is a decent chance we will see our next wedding anniversary together.

2. My parents where remairied this September after 15 years of divorce. Hey, it happens.

My W always wanted to be a SAHM. I had landed a very good position that was to pay very well. She was at her job for 14 years but there were a lot of problems developing within her company. We agreed that she would leave and be a SAHM. This meant I was to be the sole provider.

Well, the position did not go well and it was eliminated within a few months. Now, we had 2 young children and I had to earn $7,000/month to maintain our lifestyle. I couldn't do it and I was pursuing a business venture that would give us financial security.

The venture did not pan out either and we were deep in debt. Meanwhile, she became pregnant with our 3rd child. She miscarried at 24 weeks in May 2005. Our financial situation didn't improve as we were so far in debt. She wanted me to work 3 jobs if necessary and also to get new health benefits.

Due to our financial situation and loss of benefits, we didn't try again for another child. She began to resent me since 3 children was what she wanted. I did go back to work but had such a hole to dig out of and all she said was: "when are you going to fix it" "if we loose this house I will never get past it"

As for the restraining order, she demanded that I just accept the divorce and do it quickly. I refused to just sign my M away so she first threatened to call the police since I was in her apt. dropping off our children. Then she said if I didn't cooperate she would get a restraining order so my time with our children would be limited.

She threatened me with statements that if I went to court to fight the D she would never forgive me and I would end up with less than she was willing to give. She pushed the D on me within 2 days after D-Day and never looked back. She ended up moving out into a rent free apt. at her parents house and has lied to everyone about how and when she met OM.

I am amazed that she can be rushing toward M with OM and could care less if I am dead or alive. My existence is an inconvenience to her and her plans and all I am good for is weekly CS.

Ironically, she cheats and leaves and I have to pay her.

MMF

It sounds to me like you were making responsible choices and trying to satisfy her.

Is your job situation stable now?

I agree. Sounds to me like you were trying to provide for her but she wouldn't make any sacrifices to make it feasible. $7000 just to cover expenses? Thats ridiculous. She just didn't want to live within your means. You can't have one person be a SAHM (or dad for that matter) and live the same way you always have. Something's got to give.

MMF, you are experiencing terrible grief right now. We have all been there and know the hopelessness of the situation. Basically, we are trying to help you devise a plan of action. You need a plan - you have to do SOMETHING. If you don't, this divorce will continue on whether you try to stop it or not. Here is what is happening right now: Your WW is seeing an OM and is planning a long term relationship with him (married or otherwise). She will do this with or without your consent. I know it hurts, but no amount of crying is going to change this. The best chance to change it is by following the MB plans. It is no guarantee, but it is a chance. The best part is, even if it doesn't recover your marriage, it will help you recover your self respect. Either way, you win. But it doesn't work if you sit back and watch things crumble down around you.

So what are you going to do? Have you exposed yet? Who have you exposed to? Is OM married? Have you tried Plan A yet? It may be difficult but there are several people on this board who have been successfuly at Plan A even after their WS moved out. Have you studied up on Plan B? Have you written a Plan B letter? There's so much to do here! You need to get busy. Hoping is not the same as planning. Planning gets things done.

Wow.

Consider walking away.

Please tell me you hired a lawyer to fight for custody of your kids. Please dont tell me you gave her everything she wanted and never even tried to fight for anything? Weather you wanted her back or not that is the absolute worste thing ever to do.

1. Who cares if she would never forgive you, thats also a lie. You should have fought tooth and nail for everything you could.

2. She said this to KEEP you from getting MORE than she was willing to give. Not the other way around!!!

Darn it man, if there is anything else left to fight for DO IT!!!!!! Especially custody!!

Tabby1,

There is nothing left to expose. Her parents provided her a place to live(rent free, I told her father she cheated and he said he didn't agree. She has continued to lie about her and OM. She worships her father so much that his opinion means everything to her.

To make the point, she even said to me when she was leaving, "you promised my father you would take care of me". Yet, she made a promise before GOD to be faithful.

She has said, "we made a deal...I take care of the house and the kids and you were to provide. I kept up my end of the deal but you didn't". (I didn't realize that our marriage was a DEAL)!

One thing that always was a given was that she had a very hard time lying(especially to her father).

Well I guess when it is to cover her selfishness, she is capable of anything.

MMF

What do you want?

Do you have evidence you can show her father?

Seriously, we are all trying to help but the only thing that's going to make a difference is if you pick yourself up and DO something. Otherwise, this marriage IS over. I KNOW how crappy you feel and how impossible it seems. But really, MMF, you're letting your emotions spin out of control and you aren't doing a thing to stop it.

Your WW did a crappy thing. She continues to do crappy things and treat you like crap. Waywards do this - it's their trademark. No point listening to a word she says. Read here. Read the books. Devise your plan and then execute it. We are all here to help you along the way. But it serves no one to carry on a pity party - regardless of how well deserved it may be. It's time for action.

sdguy038...

What I want is my family back!!

My D6 had to call me today to let me know she lost another tooth. GET IT!!! I don't get to share that moment as an at home parent because of my WW's selfishness.

So what can I do...NOTHING !!

All I am told is:

"work on yourself"

"make yourself a better alternative to OM"

"she is in a fog"

blah blah blah..

Tabby1,

Sorry if my posting comes across as a pity party but I feel what I feel and those feelings change from moment to moment.

By the way...I do have evidence of her involvement with OM last year before she left me.

It won't matter to her father any way because his daughter is perfect as she is the victim and did nothing wrong.

It is a "no win" situation and I am left with having to be a part-time parent forever and OM ends up M my WW and possibly being a step-father to my children arghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No. You've been told you should set up an appointment with the Harleys. If you want to try to get your family back, you will need help.

I cannot figure out for the life of me why he won't do that.

But maybe his head is so messed up, he wouldn't hear what Steve would tell him anyway. He's certainly being very selective about what he's heard in the last 4 pages of what we've been telling him. Only what fits his viewpoint.... Maybe this one just doesn't have the wherewithal to conduct a plan.

We've all been there and we all have our own pity-party souveniers. The stuff we keep saying - things like "work on yourself" is for a reason. Because not to do so will continue to enable the affair while doing nothing to draw your WW back. SDCWoman wrote a post yesterday that has drifted down but I'm copying it here. I'll bold some of the parts that are relevent to you:

I have scheduled a session with Dr. Steve for tomorrow morning.

My D is all but final so this may be only to learn how to cope with my WW affair and my unwanted D.

Any words of encouragement from any BS or WS would be appreciated.

Although this hurts so much I do love my W and children dearly and hope from the bottom of my heart that we can be a family again someday.

MMF

MMF,

Kudos. You have finally taken a step that will help you, regardless of the final outcome. I commend you on getting past the inertia your pain and anger had you trapped in, and for taking a proactive step.

Describe your situation as succinctly as you can for Steve. Then, as he talks, take notes. You will hear a lot of clear, practical advise on what your next step(s) should be. The man is a pro--he's been doing this for about 15 years, and learned from the guy who created this effective program.

He helped me reclaim my marriage to a WH who was totally emotionally divorced from me because I followed his advice, even when it didn't make sense to me. I knew I didn't know how to fix it. I paid a pro for 5 or 6 sessions, took his advice, and for roughly $1000 have a much better marriage today (2 years later) than we'd had for the 37 years we'd been married before his affair.

I would never have thought it possible. And I'm not the only one who can say this, although I may have been married longer than anyone else here when an A ripped everything apart.

Miracles DO happen. They come from heaven, but through earthly resources.

Good luck as you embark on a real PLAN. Whether you reclaim your marriage or not, when your kids are old enough to understand, they will love you and respect you for fighting for their family.

God bless. We're all pulling for you.

Right Here Waiting