He is a grown man, and made his own decisions, fog or not. I was not the only one that was not happy in a marriage. He persued me, and I was weak. We both were. I am not blaming him for what happened, we both played a part.

You do not need to be contemptuous with me, I completely agree that it is not resonable. But unless you yourself have experianced something like this, you have absolutly no way of knowing how difficult something like this is. I came here looking for answers to my problems. Answers from people who went through what I am going through. Not judgment.

Happiness without goodness is very short-lived.

People who decide to rob a bank do it because they think they will achieve happiness afterwards. And they do, very briefly, feel a euphoria of happy feelings. But, it does not last.

People who decide to cheat on an exam do it because they think the good grade (unearned) will make them happy.

People who decide to have an affair do it because they think adultery will make them happy. And it does, until it doesn't.

People divorce their spouse as a way to achieve happiness, sometimes completely unaware of the damage they cause their own integrity along the way. I personally know a woman who has been married nine (9) times --- just looking for happiness. Do you think it is likely she will "find" happiness in her 10th marriage?

You say: "I want to be able to be happy, no matter who I'm with or where I am ..."

You can do this, but not when you behave badly in order to achieve that temporary happy feeling.

Happiness is important, but more important is how we get to that emotional state. When we get there by our achievements we feel PROUD of ourselves and HAPPY to be able to look back and say ~~~> LOOK what I did ! I did that and I did it right!

When you concentrate on yourself, what is your purpose?

Did you know that the most miserable people you meet are the inwardly focused individuals? Did you know that the most content and fulfilled individuals you meet are those who make life good for others?

Do you think you matter in the world and have a greater purpose to your life if you become MORE self focused?

When you leave this earth, what do you want to leave as your legacy?


Is this your legacy: "She concentrated on making herself happy."

When you concentrate on yourself, may I suggest you do so as a way to find service to others? Make yourself a blessing to others. That's where true happiness is found.

I've been in your shoes. Except my OM was single.

I'll tell you where I am today. I am divorced from my husband. And that was the right decision. I haven't spoken to OM in years. I recognize what a horrible decision it was to be involved with him.

And it was a long, agonizing, painful, horrible process to get from there to here.

I have many regrets about how I handled things. I can hardly believe that I made as many bad choices as I did. But the most important thing I did though the process was regain my integrity. It was the only way I could live with MYSELF.

So now, I am happy. I am single. I have my own house, 3 cars, and I stand on my own feet. I love my children, my family and my friends.

I can feel the anger you have toward your husband, and I understand it. I had an awful lot of anger towards my XH too. It took my affair for him to change his ways and suddenly care about me. (yeah right. :RollieEyes:) It was too late.

Happiness is the result of being good, not being BAD. This is why affairs never make people happy. They might be thrilling in the short term, but they quickly turn to misery and disrespect and shame.


They are fraught with conflict because there are always family members on both sides who will not allow an adulterer and his affair partner to darken their doorstep.

It's not in her best interest to break up this family, especially if it would become your family some day, because you would be eternally hated by his children and his family.

She is reeling from the emotional hand grenade you and her husband threw into the middle of her life.




You are reeling from the emotional hand grenade you threw into your own life.
You think you wasted 6 years? How do you think his wife feels? How scared is she? How much pain is she trying to shovel off her chest as fast as she can? How desperate is she knowing her children's lives are about to be sacrificed for your so-called happiness? Do you think she should be something other than frightened, desperate, angry and suffering intolerable pain for her children?

You covet another woman's husband. You covet another family.

The wife is not vindictive - she is battling evil.

This choice you are making to covet never has been and never will be a road that leads to true lasting peaceful happiness.

Turn your life around. You are speeding toward a cliff. None of this will make you happy.

Not your divorce.
Not breaking up another family.
Not lowering your morals and standards.

It's a mess. It's never been anything other than a mess. It remains a mess.

I would like to take what Loving Anyway said and change it around a teeny little bit:

We cannot, as humans, inflict damage on others without damaging ourselves.

I'll let everyone else here talk about the damage that you are doing to the OM's marriage. But what about the damage you are doing to yourself? Do you relish the compromise you have had to make with your own ethics in order to engage in adultery? Is this the life you envisioned for yourself when you were younger, and more innocent - the life of a cheating spouse? How do you feel when you look into the mirror?

The longer you stay in an affair, the more it eats at your soul. The more difficult it becomes to look at that person in the mirror and respect her.

Yes!

And I'd like to add this: When we lose self respect there is no happiness in sight.

On another thread you wrote:





Let's talk about this. Let us help you recover your self respect. Let us help you grieve.

For the short term, you will grieve the loss of OM.
For the longer term you will grieve the loss of yourself.

When do you want to begin?

My purpose to begin with, is to get my life on track. Once that happens, I want to be able to have someone in my life for all the right reasons.


I should also make a correcton on that quote. It was not just me who decided.I pushed to get the truth, but Both of us decided to do the right thing. It was a joint decision to end it.

I've been in your shoes and I can understand how you're feeling right now. I can understand the seething red hot anger you have towards your H, the resentment.

I'm sure you feel that OM has nothing to do with your decision to end your marriage??? I felt like that too in the fog. See, this is not a "new" or "special" situation.

You've found out you can meet a man that wants to meet your needs. Even if you're not leaving for OM, you're leaving for a potential OM.

You really need to get to the real reason you cheated. Not what your husband did that you feel caused you to cheat- because nothing that he did to you justifies what you did to him. That's something you need to get and something that will take you a bit of time to "get". This is more about you than it really is about him and his actions.

You think you feel guilty now? You have no idea the guilt you will feel once your head clears from the effects of this other person. I had an affair and left my H years ago and I'm remarried but I still have guilt about what I did to my ex- the father of my children.

I would suggest some individual counseling for you. You have just completely ruined this womans life and you're more focused on her actions than what you did to her. And don't say it was not you- it was- you and your OM. Sure, he took vows to her but you were part of his adultery as well.

Just so you know, I'm not bashing you. I've just been where you are and think you need some straight talk.

Get your head around your poor boundaries and own your actions. Yes, I'm sure you feel you are owning them- but hon, you're not even close yet.

May I suggest you begin with a daily gratitude list?

It is incredibly worthwhile.

Keep a little notebook and every day enter 5 things you are grateful for.
After a few weeks your view of yourself will change.

No contact of any kind with the betrayed wife's husband is essential.
Even a short "hi" text is a step away from getting your life on track.

I have compared the addiction of affairs to smoking before. I can tell you as a smoker who has quit so many times I've lost count, this is NOTHING like how a former smoker quits. First of all, you know it's disgusting even before you quit. After you go through withdrawal, which is no party to begin with, you don't say you'd never do it again except your conscious voice forcing yourself to say it. Actually, you dream about doing it again. Those dreams fade into the background but they don't disappear. When you see someone smoking, all thoughts of disgust vanish. In fact if you get close enough to smell the second hand smoke, you inhale deeply. Then you begin to think you can probably handle just one. Before long, you are going out of your way to find similar circumstances so you can have your "just one that you can handle". Heck, I nearly became an alcoholic once when I decided I would only smoke in bars. Sure I could control it. Never mind that I started to go to bars every single day - at least I wasn't smoking when I wasn't drinking, right? This is the twisted logic of an addict.

Affairs are the same way. You are addicted to your OM. You know it's wrong but you can't help it. But you can. When a WS gives up their OP, they go through withdrawal. The withdrawal fades, as do the wistful thoughts until contact is broken. Contact can even be like second hand smoke - not actual contact but hearing a rumour about the guy. Then, like the second hand exsmoker, you're inhaling deeply pretending you can control it when you are already out of control. An exsmoker can never take another drag, nor wander too close to second hand smoke. An exdrinker can never take another drink, nor wander into a drinkng establishment. An ex-cheater can never see or speak to the affair partner again, nor even risk a distant encounter of any kind. You can be a recovering addict, but you are still always an addict.

CONGRATULATIONS, you have just taken the first step. You have shown us that you do have integrity and are a good person. Your Action proved to us that you were not just here to justify your affair. Now keep your actions in line with your integrity. NC means NC. We can help and will help.

Happiness is not getting what you want but wanting what you have.

..... good illustration, bad situation!

So if you're finished abusing him why can't you tell him the truth?

That's not really a question I expect an answer to.

**edit**

NG:

Your thread was pointed out that some help was needed.

I saw that your first posts had been deleted.

I also can see, after reading thru the thread, that you ARE GETTING IT.

It doesn't happen overnight. It doesn't happen in two weeks. It goes in Fits and Starts. It seems that you will learn ALOT, and then not much, and then you will learn ALOT again.

Many have posted to you amazing information. Some of it may seem very harsh. Many of the FWW's that are on this site got the same treatment when they first came here. So you haven't been singled out. But you CAN make the same choice they did. To look inside themselves and to really understand where the problem is. I did. You can too.

LG








I'm only saying she could stop thinking about herself for a bit to see that using her children to get back is not a good way to go about things. She says she only wants the best for her children...Then why would someone like me be worried for their saftey? If she's flying off the handle, acting without thinking, then maybe she should go see a counsler.



Quote:
And so you know, it ranks higher on OM's list than it does on yours in all likelihood, just as with your husband. It's also one of those things that are like air. It isn't important at all...Unless you aren't getting any.Well of course we had sex. As for my husband, he could care less what I wanted in bed. as long as he got what he wanted...great...Oh we talked about how things could be better, about how he had to try and satisfy me as well...He did for a bit, then gave up. Didn't want to try...I tried asking him about why he didn't want to try, and he ignored me. So why bother? Why bother with someone who doesn't want to put in any effort? All he wanted was for me to be by his side, every second of every day, not visit my family, not have any friends, obay his every command, want what he wanted and nothing else...All I wanted was for him to give a damn.
[/quote]

I think you completely misread that...I was referring to the OM.you are not here to help, only hinder, and I will completely disregard what you've posted here. I pushed talking about it for both of us to realize the truth in what we were doing to ourselves, eachother, and his family. I did that with advice from here. So if you are suggesting that I should go out and find another victim, you will be found wanting.

How about this... you reply to posters who offer encouragement and/or advice?

Sounds like a good Idea. Maybe I will try it too