Read the articles here about how to recover from infidelity. You will find pearls of wisdom for you.

It was so hard to do. For both of us. But we knew that his children were far more important than "us". I feel so horrible for telling myself that they would be ok. That we could make it work. All that fog... I was in denial of everything I was doing :MrEEk:

More fog is going to clear, NG.

Keep doing what you are doing.

NG,

A WS compares the best of the OP with the worst of their spouse. You see, you know the worst of your BH; and OM knows the worst of his BW. But the two of you have really only seen the best of each other. This is why any comparison of BH to OM is all hogwash. You can't compare apples to oranges, so to speak.

You and OM have been putting your best foot forward for each other. But when the fantasy ends and real life begins with finances and children and illness and irritability and jealousy and doubt, and compromise, affairs die because they were based on a lie to start with.

Here's an example, NG.

I'm sure OW went to all lengths to be sure she had some sexy lingerie on whenever she knew MY HUSBAND would be seeing them. I'm also sure her legs were always smooth and silky and her hair NOT in a pony tail. And she could spend all her BH's money buying the sexy stuff for MY husband.

But FWH and I live in REALITY. We've been married 20 years. Most days, my basic comfy, yet cute, panties will have to do. And yes, my legs are sometimes stubbly because I don't always have time in the morning to shave them. And since he sleeps next to MY legs EVERY night, he's bound to notice they are a bit different some nights than how hers feel. (HHHMMM... I wonder, are her legs ALWAYS clean shaven and silky??? DOUBT IT!)


And what happens when the affair partners are now sharing finances and making ends meet. Does he get mad because she spent $150 every month for those little Victoria Secret surprises now that it's coming out of HIS pocket? Does she get tired of wearing those lacy things up her butt and start wearing the cute yet comfy thingies????


This may sound absurd, but think about it, NG. Have you put your best foot forward every moment you will spend with your BH? Have you been as active at capturing HIS attention as you have OM?

I know it sounds like an excuse, but I did try to do those things for my BH. I tried to wear cute or sexy things, yet he took no notice. He got upset with me because it cost x amount. I asked him what turned him on,all I could get out of him was "i dunno". I tried to do things to make him happy, yet I could never do anything right. Nothing was ever good enough. If I tried to surprise him with something, it wasn't "thanks hon," it was "why didn't you do it THAT way?" or, "etc... I see now that I was screaming for attention, attention that he couldn't be bothered to give. I didn't spend money on anything extra very often, because I knew he didn't want me wasting money. But when HE wanted to get something (like a huge plasma TV) I told him that we didn't have the money for it. I told him that was not something I wanted to spend money on. I'd rather fix up our house a bit. Get a new light fixture or something. Something I know he also likes doing. But he persisted that it was what he wanted. Didn't care if it was something I didn't want, so that's what he's got. He wanted me to stop reading books because he felt I was ignoring him, so I put them all in the basement and paid more attention to him. I don't know what else I could have done, I tried to talk to him to see what would make him happy...

Very Rarely would he ask my opinion on something, and when I gave it, it was ignored anyways. So I told him "Do whatever you want, you don't care what I think anyways" and you know what? He did. He did NOT stop and think WHY would I say something like that to him, he did NOT try to come to a compromise, He DID tell me it was his way or the highway...He DID make me choose between him and my friends, and he DID tell me he won't change for anyone, ever...I never once gave him a reason to think I was doing anything other than what I was actually doing. I was always honest with him 100% of the time up until the A. I felt like he was constantly accusing me of things I wasn't doing. His paranoia drove me away from him. I started to think, why am I with someone who can't trust me after 6 years of me being completely faithful, not looking at any other man, not having any kind of history with anyone else. He was my first real boyfriend for god sakes. I'm not blaming him for what I did. I just don't know what I could have done to make things happier when he refuses to change...

I understand where you're coming from yet, instead of putting up with all that horrible behavior why didn't you divorce rather than have an affair??

See, I do not still want to be married to my exhusband even though I hate that I hurt him so much- but I made the choice to cheat rather than just outright leave the marriage. I should have chosen divorce over the affair.

What you do is you set boundaries on what you are willing to accept from your husband. You explain those boundaries to him in advance, and you enact the 'consequences' when he continues to disrespect you. Figuring out the consequences is the hard part, but you must. You must respect yourself before he will.

He didn't MAKE you choose between him and your friends. He tried to manipulate you, and you let him. Start seeing your friends again. Read your books. Tell him what you expect him to do in the marriage.

My IC tells me to stop propping up my H by giving in to him all the time and letting him have his way. She says that when I do, when I stand up for myself/by myself, my H will either learn to stand up on his own or will fall flat on his face.

If he is unwilling to give in your marriage - AFTER you tell him what you would need from him - then you proceed to do a 180 and/or proceed to start your own life without him. What you don't do is take the immoral road and just have an affair. It does NO good, and ends up hurting way too many people, including yourself.

Try reading The Dance of Anger for a starter guide on how to get what you need from the marriage. Short book, easy read, but very informative.

Both of you are very right. I used the A as an excuse for myself to leave the marriage. I left my H shortly after I first kissed the OM. I used him to get out, and he used me to get even. I wanted to leave my H for about 6 months before any of this started, I didn't have the guts to do it. But when he threatened to kick me out the last time, I didn't break down and cry, I didn't beg him to stop using that threat. I got mad, looked at him straight in the eye and said, thats whatyou want? well thats what you get. We talked a bit after about what the "plan" was. Who gets what, what am I taking, etc. Didn't seem to want to fight to keep me around to badly. I never thought about his actions until now, maybe he did something behind my back and I was too stupid to see it. maybe thats why he accused me of irrational things. I don't know. I guess I'll ask him when I talk to him.

Good decision on being honest and staying out of another person's marriage.
One thing I think you need to explore, in addition to the cheating as a way out, is why you did not take into consideration the other family. That seems like it may indicate a lack of empathy or compassion for others.

no, I feel very badly about what I did to his children. I guess I thought his W made it easy to not feel bad for her at the time because she did so many things opposite of what I thought someone would do to keep their H around. I ignored what I was doing, and I didn't want to see the hurt in the OM it was causing. When I finally came here and you people told me about the fog, I stopped and really looked at him and saw the hurt. Thats when I started to see what I was doing, and started feeling the truth and the guilt set in. I feel like a horrible person for what happened, for what I did to all of them, for what I did to my H, my family and myself...

November:

I have demonstrated nothing but respect and understanding in showing you the clear path you need to take. No one is condemning you here; we can't change the past, but we do control how we act in present and future. A few points:

1) Yes, your OM is an adult and had the A with you by his own choice as well. He is NOT HERE, you are. We would give him the EXACT SAME ADVICE if he asked. It is human nature (and VERY FOGGY) to blame-shift onto others when we find ourselves in an embarrassing situation. [watch quarrelling kid brothers do this anywhere]. You are responsible for YOUR ACTIONS. It took of 2 of you to enter the A, it only takes 1 to END it.

2) Whether OM's marriage is/was "unhappy" is TOTALLY IRRELEVANT. He told you it is (to rationalize what he was doing) but you don't know that and it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. If OM's marriage is unhappy, then he needs to improve it with his wife OR get a divorce to be on his own, not have an affair -- same goes for you.

3) "He pursued me" -- LAME! WEAK! You just got done saying how the A was between consenting adults, and now you are making it sound like you were duped into it like a naive little schoolgirl. Thank you for correcting it a few sentences later...

4) Yes, this is "difficult". You and OM have made it that way by crossing clearly defined boundaries you NEVER should have crossed. Don't blame anyone else -- you guys made this mess and you must clean it up! You and OM need to come clean to all involved, apologize sincerely, break it off with absolutely NC, go through the withdrawal (which you are avoiding right now), and renew/restore your marriage.

YOU MUST END THE AFFAIR WITH NC FIRST, BEFORE YOU CAN MAKE THE MARRIAGE BETTER.

I want to assure you that THERE IS NOTHING UNIQUE OR "SPECIAL" ABOUT THE "LOVE" YOU AND OM HAVE. Virtually all co-adulterous affairs begin the same way. One of the affair partners innocently confides in and shares with the other about how "unhappy" or dissatisfied they are in their marriage and how their spouse isn't "treating them right." The other listens, expresses empathy & understanding, and often reciprocates that he/she "knows because I am going through the same thing." Sometimes, one person senses vulnerability in the other and sees and an opportunity, sometimes the two people are just "being kind" to each other with no obvious ulterior motive. Either way, once 2 people have expressed and shared and empathized about something so personal, they immediately share a highly intimate "secret" and have formed a very alluring bond. They think to themselves: "wow, he/she really cares. he/she really listens and understands me. I feel a connection, we can trust each other." IT ALL STARTS THERE. There is nothing special about the relationship or the OP. In a vulnerable emotional state, you (or anyone) can "fall in love" with a goat...anyone of the opposite sex that listens kindly and offers openness you will be drawn to--your boundaries are down.

DON'T DELUDE YOURSELF INTO THINKING THAT YOUR A WITH THE OM IS "OK" & "SPECIAL", DESPITE THE OBVIOUS DESTRUCTIVE IMMORALITY, JUST BECAUSE YOU 2 "UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER." not true...

The A is over. We both started it and we both ended it. I was merly clarifying how it happened. I know that we were both to blame, and have said so several times in here.

I didn't mean for that to sound like I was duped. I know how that looks when you don't read the full post.

Read back a couple of pages. Its all in there. the NC, how I'm afraid to talk to my H...etc...

You are doing the right things. Keep it up. From the way it sounds, you had the affair as an excuse to end the marriage. We cannot change the past, only live in the present. You have been doing the right things lately. I would suggest that you determine what you want (a divorce or both you and your husband to work on your marriage). If it is work on the marriage, he must take action too (Read Fall in Love, STay in love or His needs, her needs by dr. harley and take ENs and LBs questionnaires). If BOTH you and your husband are not willing to work on this, then divorce is the only remaining option. But this is a MB website, so everyone here will encourage you to work on the marriage.

Thanks for the support. I'm going to call him on the weekend and see if he wants to talk about things. I'm so scared if I go back he'll just be the same old person. I married him because I thought that would change things...It feels like it only made them worse...Dumb reason to marry....

NG,

How to be honest with your BH...ask for his help.

You've only begun NC, be honest and ask for his help in erecting and maintaining healthy boundaries...share why you are choosing to change your phone numbers, email addresses, all methods of contact.

I don't believe what makes a WS hesitate in owning what they did to their partner is the harm they believe they will do...it's them not wanting see the harm already done reflected on their partner's face.

Be honest, anyway. These are the steps you take to be new again, to amend, to enforce healthier boundaries around yourself and to honor your marriage. Crucial first step in all of that.

Have you read the Paradoxical Commandments? Think on them...for the affair may well have ended your marriage...you won't know until you're honest with your BH. Find out. It's not the telling of the affair that ends any marriage.

Though you fear so much your soul quakes, act brave anyway.

LA

You will feel much better if you try one last time (if that is what you choose). Explain to him that a marriage does not work if only 1 person works at it. It takes 2. If he is not willing to put in the effort now (the present), then you can be proud for trying.

Too true. I know that is exactly why I am afraid of telling him.

I suppose all I can do is try. I just feel angry that I tried and he didn't. So I've been playing the stubborn card, to hurt him back. But now all I've done is hurt everyone around me.