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Beam,

I think you are going to learn that his "secret life" before chica involved other affairs. I hope not, but brace yourself.

He IS love busting when he treats you like you are stupid! That would be a major way to drain my love bank too! And telling you, in any fashion, to "get over it" shows complete lack of appreciation for the harm he's done to your soul (never mind your marriage vows).

Yeah, he's got some work to do.

As for ENs--assume you've told him you need affection to participate in SF. Have you told him specific things he can do that would light your affection fire? What is it for you...gentle touches, calling you by a pet name, kissing you every time he leaves or comes home? What? Do not expect him to guess. Tell him. Then watch and see if he doesn't.

And as for holding your tongue when he pitches a LB at you, I made that mistake too, and after a certain number of them, I blew up too. Hadn't yet figured out how to point it out to him by simply and calmly telling him it hurt me to hear him say ________. To not go on the attack. Took me quite a while to get there. Even now, I sometimes have to back off till I cool off for a few minutes so I can phrase it clearly, without anger. Work at that.

Righti Here Waiting


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
Joined: Nov 2008
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Hi M2B,

Originally Posted by mama2boys
Will you be in that safe place after the polygraph?
IDK. I think this scares me more than anything. I want/need for him to take the poly, but I am so scared of the results. He had been such a good deceiver in the past, I am afraid he might be bluffing now. "Sure I'll take it." Hoping that I won't make him go through with it, or maybe he can fool it. And just maybe he is really being honest.

When I went in for a biopsy, I was scared to death. But I knew I had to do it. The biopsy came back positive for cancer, that was the bad news. The good news was that I could have surgery, chemo and radiation to get rid of the cancer.

His EA is my newest cancer. The poly is my biopsy. MB's will be my chemo. If I look at it that way, I can get through the poly. I have to look at it like it is an absolute necessity to find out if there really is any disease. If there is, then off to MB's chemo to cure what ails us.

Wondering if we should take separate cars to the poly. Maybe have my sis come with me in case I get bad news. What's the opinion on that everybody? Good idea or not?

Take care M2B and thanks for the healthy thoughts.

Beam


Me:BS 41
Him:WH 37
Married:18 Years
Together:24 Years
DS 14 DS 12
D day 1/27/08
Counseling 3/14/08
Joined: Nov 2008
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RHW,

Originally Posted by rightherewaiting
I think you are going to learn that his "secret life" before chica involved other affairs. I hope not, but brace yourself.
I hope not too. If there was any other OW's, I have to be honest and say I could no longer live in this M. It would be difficult to learn if chica was more than just an EA, but to learn if there were others? Way more than I could handle. At that point, I would simply quit.


Quote
As for ENs--assume you've told him you need affection to participate in SF. Have you told him specific things he can do that would light your affection fire? What is it for you...gentle touches, calling you by a pet name, kissing you every time he leaves or comes home? What? Do not expect him to guess. Tell him. Then watch and see if he doesn't.
I have always tried to tell him. Yes, it's the little things like hugs for no reason, kisses on my neck when I'm doing dishes, or even helping with the dishes (like he's been doing for the past few days, including the cooking hurray)

But not groping me, pulling 10th grade antics when he is a horn dog. That turns me off. I get more turned on with instant messages when he is at work, saying he was thinking about me.

Yes, I have told him. But he is not consistent. That is why I thought actually making a list might be a good thing. It's in writing, he doesn't have to guess at what I like, or try to remember if I told him what I like.

Gently broach a LB when encountered, got it. Thanks so much for all the advise. I still feel somewhat lost at times, but with all the support I am getting here, I am starting to find my way. You people are the best GPS available. grin

Beam


Me:BS 41
Him:WH 37
Married:18 Years
Together:24 Years
DS 14 DS 12
D day 1/27/08
Counseling 3/14/08
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
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Originally Posted by BeamMeUp
RHW,

If there was any other OW's, I have to be honest and say I could no longer live in this M. It would be difficult to learn if chica was more than just an EA, but to learn if there were others? Way more than I could handle. At that point, I would simply quit.

Have you told him this? And is this decision final for you? That is, if he continues to reverse all the bad behavior, develop healthy, loving new habits, meet your needs and give up his love busters...him sharing any other dirt from his past would STILL cause you to leave him? Man, if there's anything else he's hiding, I could see why he would lie to the death if he knows that is what you would do. I mean, you are certainly within your rights to divorce him for ANY adultery--but how much is this polygraph for your peace of mind, and how much is your way of getting the goods to divorce him? You need to be clear on that for yourself.


But not groping me, pulling 10th grade antics when he is a horn dog. That turns me off. I get more turned on with instant messages when he is at work, saying he was thinking about me.Yes, I have told him. But he is not consistent.

Oh, boy. Why do so many of them DO that when they KNOW we hate it? dontknow He is absolutely going to have to get consistent on that...yeah, yeah, testosterone blah blah. Of course, it's real, but ya'd think he could figure out that it is COUNTERPRODUCTIVE and will never be what gets you willingly into the sack. Dr. Harley addresses this at the MB weekend. Maybe he will take heed...

Gently broach a LB when encountered, got it. Thanks so much for all the advise. I still feel somewhat lost at times, but with all the support I am getting here, I am starting to find my way. You people are the best GPS available. grin Never heard it put quite that cleverly.

Beam


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 79
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Originally Posted by rightherewaiting
RHW,

If there was any other OW's, I have to be honest and say I could no longer live in this M. It would be difficult to learn if chica was more than just an EA, but to learn if there were others? Way more than I could handle. At that point, I would simply quit.

Have you told him this? And is this decision final for you? That is, if he continues to reverse all the bad behavior, develop healthy, loving new habits, meet your needs and give up his love busters...him sharing any other dirt from his past would STILL cause you to leave him? Man, if there's anything else he's hiding, I could see why he would lie to the death if he knows that is what you would do. I mean, you are certainly within your rights to divorce him for ANY adultery--but how much is this polygraph for your peace of mind, and how much is your way of getting the goods to divorce him? You need to be clear on that for yourself.

Honestly, no. I haven't told him what I would do if he failed the poly. And the reason I haven't said anything is because I am going on the premise that he is actually telling the truth. I want to believe him so badly. He has tried to convince me he is telling the truth. But this is the only way I can see that he can prove this to me. I am looking to verify his "truth" and hoping that he is no longer deceiving me by continually lying about his past. I guess a different way of looking at this is, IF HE is still deceiving me about his past, in spite of our recent efforts, in spite of Radical Honesty, in spite of MB's plan and in spite of all of the MC, then yes, that would be the end. He would have been deceptive right on up to and through the poly.



But not groping me, pulling 10th grade antics when he is a horn dog. That turns me off. I get more turned on with instant messages when he is at work, saying he was thinking about me.Yes, I have told him. But he is not consistent.

Oh, boy. Why do so many of them DO that when they KNOW we hate it? dontknow He is absolutely going to have to get consistent on that...yeah, yeah, testosterone blah blah. Of course, it's real, but ya'd think he could figure out that it is COUNTERPRODUCTIVE and will never be what gets you willingly into the sack. Dr. Harley addresses this at the MB weekend. Maybe he will take heed...

hurray WooHoo! I did not know that that subject would be included. Nice to know! thanks

Gently broach a LB when encountered, got it. Thanks so much for all the advise. I still feel somewhat lost at times, but with all the support I am getting here, I am starting to find my way. You people are the best GPS available. grin Never heard it put quite that cleverly.

Thanks again!

Beam


Me:BS 41
Him:WH 37
Married:18 Years
Together:24 Years
DS 14 DS 12
D day 1/27/08
Counseling 3/14/08
Joined: Apr 2001
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Beam, I would not tell him that you might leave him if there is much more. Just stick to your course of action. You are on the right path.

The reason you don't want to tell him you may leave is because you can't know how you will react and because it might cause him to clam up and lie. If he does lie, it is over FOR SURE, because you will die a death of a thousand cuts as you drag it out over the years. So I would strongly encourage you to not make any committments about that at all. Just get the facts - TO WHICH YOU ARE ENTITLED - and then make a decision. You are doing this correctly.

About groping... grumble I HATE BEING GROPED. I had to tell my H what a huge lovebuster this is and he has mostly stopped. It was causing a SEXUAL AVERSION to him and I simply told him that groping is so unpleasant that he was causing any touch to be associated with BAD FEELINGS caused by groping.

WHY DO MEN DO THAT?? grumble


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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ML,

I have not told him I would leave if he failed poly, for the exact reasons you mentioned. And while my head says, "Leave the butt head if he fails" I know my heart will say otherwise.

When we first got married, I said there were only two things that would make me leave.
1: If you ever hit me.
2: If you ever cheat on me.

Only two things. But when it happened, my heart was a little stronger than my head and my previous promise (read threat). So while I can sit here and say, "yes, I would be outta here in a New York second," I know my heart will fight it, or break completely trying. I will only really know what I'm going to do when that time comes and I have had a chance to digest what I've learned.

Hopefully it won't come to that and he will pass with flying colors. I pray he will.

On the groping issue, I think that men think that is affection. :RollieEyes:

Thanks,

Beam


Me:BS 41
Him:WH 37
Married:18 Years
Together:24 Years
DS 14 DS 12
D day 1/27/08
Counseling 3/14/08
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
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Originally Posted by BeamMeUp
On the groping issue, I think that men think that is affection.

For real??


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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ML,

Believe it or not, I have read that this is what they think. Let's put it to the test tonight. We will ask our H's what they are trying to tell us when they "grope" us. But let's not use the word grope. Maybe pat our butt, or get a grab here or there.

I bet we would all be surprised to find out they think this is some form of affection. Then I'm going to ask him what do I do for him that shows affection. Since I'm not a grabber or a groper, I wonder what he will say. I myself am more of a back scratcher, neck kisser, arm toucher.

I'm game, how 'bout you? grin

Beam


Me:BS 41
Him:WH 37
Married:18 Years
Together:24 Years
DS 14 DS 12
D day 1/27/08
Counseling 3/14/08
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
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Beam, I have asked my H and he says "because I am entitled!" crazy


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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He believes he possess a groping entitlement by virtue of marriage. :RollieEyes:


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Mel,

Don't they all. LOL rotflmao

H made another nice dinner tonight, did the dishes again too. But I have got to teach him how to cook something other than chicken before we all grow feathers! It was good though.

Off to spend a little quite time reading LB's with H tonight. Wish us luck.

Beam


Me:BS 41
Him:WH 37
Married:18 Years
Together:24 Years
DS 14 DS 12
D day 1/27/08
Counseling 3/14/08
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