Thanks Miriam,
Great post. I know I will survive it, I am just sick of WW actions making me feel like this and every time I start to move on and be happy again she does it again. I guess by staying in Plan B and then maybe Plan D she can't do it again

Right.

Thanks, Charlotte. I've been inspired by your journey.

What they say is true - I was feeling so bad earlier today that I posted a call for help under my thread - then later am trying to give help - and actually making sense. Helps to focus on others for a while.

I think I'll add that "helping others" thing to my list...and maybe should cross-post to my own thread.

Hang in there, Brae.

I will Miriam,
I guess what is making this hard is I thought we were well in recovery. I know that people are doubting that we ever were but I know the changes I saw over the year of supposed NC and WW even admitted that everything SAA said was spot on. I guess the one thing that was absolutely spot on was that if contact occurs the addiction can cause the A can be re-kindled

Just realised, I must stop thinking about what has happened and start living in the now.
WW is living with OM and that is where we are. In some ways I have found this evening easier to deal with than the last couple of weeks, I am not wondering if she is going to ring or call in. I know I am going to go through hard times but tonight has been ok.

As she left crying her eyes out this afternoon, she said that she really is still in love with me, misses me and thinks about me all the time. I guess we are going to find out if this is true.

This affair has been as an infection. Plan A was the first round of antibiotic. Some infections are hard to clear out. Plan B is the next stronger antibiotic. It as any other medicine will not work if the directions for treatment are not followed.

Doing a good plan B is important because there is no other affairbiotics left in the arsenal.

Do change your locks. Changing locks is easy. You do not need a locksmith. Go to Home Depot, Lowes. They have a wide price range of locks.

Do not have any direct contanct until she has left OM's house and has moved some place neutral as her parent's home or an apt on the other side of town from the OM.

Make sure WW's emails, texts, IM's are blocked. Use call ID, if not let the answering machine stop her. Make all communication go through third party.

All this must be done until WW goes NC with the OM.

Do not weaken. Because a weak use of plan B as with any antibiotic will not be effective.

Hi Road,
I did already say that the locks are changed, there will not be any direct contact

Just sat here passing the time of day before I go take DD to dancing.
I understand that I am going to go through withdrawal for WW now I am in Plan B but a question for FWS's who were Plan B'd is did any of them go through withdrawal for BS

Well WW gave DD a note tonight.

It basically said that she understood my request for no contact with her and this would be her last communication with me but she wanted to clarify a couple of things.
She said that she is not involved with OM, the A was a long time ago(yeah right about a year at most!!). She had left because she did not want to feel trapped in our marriage anymore and there was no way she was coming back but there was no reason we could not still be friends. She loved me but did not want our marriage anymore and wanted some freedom and to stand on her own two feet.

I just replied by text referring her to my letter, asking her not to contact me directly again and that I would never be her friend while she was living with OM

Brae:

Sorry this has happened to you.

I wanted to note this:


Good job, but make sure you NEVER read another note passed thru your daughter again. No response, no read, no NOTHING.

Once WW discovers she can pass whatever gobbly-[censored] she wants thru daughter, she will do so. Circumventing all your Plan B requirements.

You did give her a strong answer and the right one. But no more. The NEXT time, simply state that you will NOT accept/respond/consider any communications that do NOT go thru your intermediary.

Read up on SDGuys planB thread. Lots of stuff may be very valuable for you there.

LG

Thanks LG,
I will because her note has got me thinking have i gone to plan B to early, if there is no A and up until yesterday we were having affection, conversation, RC etc have I driven her in to his arms. I don't know if what she says is true, probably not but now wondering.
I now see why there can be no direct contact, I am in Plan B and will stay there.

One question, I know you were a FWS, don't know if you got to Plan B. If you did, did you go through withdrawal for BS

Brae,

You did not go to plan B too early. IN fact Dr. Harley claims that most people go to plan B too late.

Given that she wants to dump you anyway, and she had an affair which clearly she is not over (living with OM is a clue don't you think), then I think plan B is exactly where you want to be.

If you two end up divorced, I would recommend that you NOT be friends. I would recommend since you have a child, that you be simply civil. Civil to me is calmly exchanging your daughter and not cursing her out when you see her. Friends and friendly suggest sharing ideas, thoughts, parts of your life, NOT a good plan with someone of her "stature".

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL,
I know deep down you are right, just a little sad that her last memories of our 25 year relationship (20 years married) is of feeling trapped. Even if Plan B worked and ended the affair it doesn't sound like she would want to return to the M

Brae:

Your WW claimed the A was "over" and tried recovery with you for 5-8 months, and then...TA-DA! OM contacts again and a month later she is moving out.

Ignore her note.

She is READY to throw a 25 year R away because she "feels trapped"

So do you. Trapped by a lying thief. She is stealing your future and your daughters future, and much of your economic status because of her "entrapment"

Brae: You went to Plan A, early on, to recover your marriage. You thought your WW signed up too. She lied. Plan B is to protect YOU. If she is "SO SURE" then is shouldn't matter that you told her the way home. She doesn't want to follow it? That's cool, its what she wants, right?

Oh, and by the way, make sure you cut off the funding.

All the funding. Car insurance. Health Insurance. Life Insurance (No, keep that one, you should still be the beneficiary) Rent, food, clothing, cell, etc.

If your funding it, stop it. Let your NEW man pay for it.

Brae: Stop this line of thinking:


SHE's LIVING WITH HIM! Heck, if things were so bad, she couldn't move to Mom's? A sisters, brothers? Even a friend of the family? No. SHE WENT TO HIM.

And then this:

NO. SHE WENT TO THOSE ARMS. All that other stuff she liked too. She wants more of it. Do you want to give it to her? Then she can eat off of TWO plates.

OF COURSE she will say that it was YOUR Fault. She can be WRONG, can she?

And it ok to post your vents, and thoughts here. We can help you sort them.

LG

And BTW, on Dday, I went home. YOU WANT HER TO FACE WITHDRAWAL FROM YOU. SHE LOSES HER DAUGHTER. SHE LOSES HER HUSBAND. SHE LOSES HER STANDING.

LG

braeworth

"WW gave DD a note tonight"

And WW tells you to jump off a bridge so you have to jump off?

You were warned not to accept messages, and you did. You should of taken note without reading it and have it mailed back by your third party to WW indicating that you did not read it.

"I just replied by text referring her to my letter, asking her not to contact me directly again and that I would never be her friend while she was living with OM "

Why did you have to follow WW's lead and break plan B yourself right after she did?

Why oh why?

I told you that there are no more tricks to use after plan B. You have to do plan B wisely because this is the last strategy to use. You have shown WW that your plan B is nothing but empty words. She can break it any time she wants and you will response to her as she wills it.

You also need for your money to plan B your WW too.

Brae:

I mentioned SDGuys thread. I hope you get a chance to read it.

Also, have you considered contacting the Harleys directly and getting an appointment with Steve?

You need a proper plan. We can help, but you need someone that you can rely on and speak with directly, and that operates within your comfort level.

It ain't cheap, but is far cheaper than a divorce.

Understand something. If OM was SO GREAT, she would have left the first time. She jumped this time. It's VERY likely that she will come back.

LG

Thanks everyone.

LG.
I will take time to read SGguys thread today and I am considering speaking to the Harleys.

Last time I spoke to WW she said that she could not come back because or M was making her sad and she didnt realise how sad she was until she left. Now she is happy. I thought I was doing a decent job, but I told her whatever was making her sad can be fixed. She doesnt want to.

Yes I DO want her to go through withdrawal for ME, DD, Marriage and I hope it really hurts.

On a lighter note, I started playing golf again a few weeks ago and if you are lousy there probably aren't words to describe me but at least for those 3-4 hours the only thing you can think about is that stupid white ball

Brae:

Since you are in Plan B, you won't be talking to WW anymore. But, because waywards can't stand being ignored, she will try to get in your face occasionally. Please check out some "reverse babble" threads around here.

So when she says things like "I was sad in our M" you can reply with reverse babble like "I didn't realize you were so sad, you really seemed happy, since you never talked about it".

And yes, you can think about the little white ball. Just picture OM on the ball, and see how much further your drives go.

LG

LG.
Thanks, just feeling a bit down today. Thinking that if her last impressions of life in our family home are of her sadness then even if A ends, it really doesn't sound like she is going to want our M

Brae:

Her last impressions of home wasn't "sadness"

It was YOU doing Plan A activities and trying to put your marriage back together.

She is the one that turned away from that.

You WERE trying to do the right thing.

She is wayward.

She is persuing her "happiness"

That maight mean that she doesn't get you, your home, your daughter, and your lifestyle.

She gets a NEW OM, new lifestyle and a new place to live.

That's what she wants, right?

Brae, it can't be bad sometimes to find this out. Your future might be a lot better without her. Recovery is tough. She might not have it in her.

But recovery around here isn't always about the marriage being saved at all costs. Recovery can mean that you realize that she was toxic. That you deserve someone better in your life. That your daughter deserves better.

One day, she may come back, in full remorse, realizing that she was chasing the end of the rainbow. And not quite catching it. But realizing that it started with Brae. We can hope for that day. We can work the plans to make that a possibility.

But SHE has to make the choice.

LG