All good points LG,
Just struggling to understand. Last year I got the ILYBNILWY, we then worked towards recovery and I was getting ILY's, affection, SF and she still insists now that she is in love with me. Just don't understand why she has done this now. When I found out she had been in contact with OM, there were obviously arguments, maybe that is what she means, she talks about me controlling her. Maybe that was true before her first A but not since I started Plan A.

Just cant make sense of this whole mess

I know I am new to Plan B but I cannot be the only one who at the start wants WW to try and contact them, only to know that she is thinking of me and missing me. Struggling a bit today

Please stop with the mental masturbation. You treated her very well and her "sadness" was all about her missing the OM. You don't know if she is going to want the marriage in the future. She likely WILL want it in the future when her affair crumbles. It will start falling apart sooner now that it is out in the open and reality intrudes.

Once it reaches this stage, they fall apart pretty quickly because the fantasy has been ruined by the reality of shacking up and all the conflict that brings.

Their holidays will be HORRENDOUS, brae. They are pariahs who will have to spend their holidays isolated from family.

Hey, has the OM's family been told he is shacking up with a married woman? That would be a GRAND exposure because it would ruin any hopes of being warmly welcomed into OM's family if they knew she was a married woman who abandoned her family for a sleazy affair.

The contact usually starts very subtly and then escalates as the WS discovers the BS really means it. It will be CRITICAL to stay dark, braeworth. If she gets any indication that you are not serious about this, then she can relax and have her affair in peace. YOU DO NOT WANT THAT. Every time she gets through gives her more strength to carry on her affair for another day.

Hi Mel,
Thanks for all your support. I dont want her to get through, it would just in some ways know she was trying. At least I would know she was thinking of me. I may be being naive but I think she will stick to what I have asked

What about his parents? And refresh me on who else knows now, please.

Hi Mel,
On the day she moved in with OM, I went to see OM parents as i knew where they lived. Spoke to his father who refused to really speak to me and said it was between the 3 of us.
Pretty much everyone knows, where she works, her sister, her aunty and uncle(they are like surrogate parents since her mother and father both died suddenly about 5 years ago), my parents, my siblings. She is not talking to anyone, her aunty has managed to speak to her very briefly once but she has pretty much gone to ground

Bumping for Mel

Hi Braeworth,

I have a WH who is a repeat offender too. You are way ahead of me and I think I envy your decision to go to plan B so quickly. WH moved home

I wish I had that confidence.

Stay strong and focus on you and your DD. How about going to the movies or shopping over the holidays to break up the days?

It must be tough on you but you are standing up for yourself and fighting for your marriage in a healthy way where you come first.

Take care,
2M2L

Thanks 2much2lose,

I don't really feel strong or healthy. I was so angry last night very nearly sent WW a text message telling her what I really felt but I resisted.

During our last conversation on Sunday before going Plan B, she kept telling me she was still in love with me, she really missed me and thought about me all the time, BUT she couldn't come home because she would be sad.
What was I doing to make her sad, I am now questioning my Plan A, but I think I was doing ok. Only thing I was doing was catching her talking to OM, this obviously caused arguments, who even though she is living with him and she had an A last year with him, she insists he is just a friend providing a roof over her head. Yeah right!!!

At least I don't have to listen to anmore of her c**p

Well another great day in Brae-land.
Got DD's phone bill for this month. Normally £20, this month £250. Spoke to one of our IM's and asked her to pass on to WW that the first month she has left DD's phone bill is huge.
Just got a message back saying it is just a coincidence and nothing to do with what is going on.

Bump for Mel,

Hi Mel you asked about exposure, I replied to you last night. I think I have pretty much exposed to everyone I can

Bumping for Brae


Hi, Brae -

Just checking in. To answer your question - yes, most folks want contact, especially at first, and it's very hard sometimes. Me - for most of the past two days I've been hoping/dreading that H would try to make contact. It's painful. This holiday thing is worst...I think of the whole family and the destruction the affair has caused. It's like a suicide bomber - the damn shrapnel hits everything - kids, parents, friends. Sad Sad Sad. And _still_ I was wishing/dreading that he would reach out! I've spent the whole day in mourning during mental breaks at work - this is the first time in years I haven't been working on a big dinner for tomorrow.

And I was tempted myself. "Just send him a link to a song" - or "just send a poem" - or "just call him" - or...Probably a couple of dozen times in the past 2 days.

But...but, but, BUT. I know I will regret it! I know I will just hear more fogbabble and/or abuse - or worse, he'll have clear evidence that I can't maintain my own boundaries at a time where it's imperative that I do so. That's the absolute last thing I want to do with someone who, for the last year, wouldn't know a boundary if it walked up and slapped him in the face. It's just giving permission for more cr*p.

Loss is real, grief is real, anger is real, sadness is real. And its natural that we want relief - but its relief we want, not more b.s. that is just going to rub salt in the wounds once we get off the phone.

Hang in there. I'm pulling for you.

Thanks Miriam,

That really helped. I want her to reach out but know it is not going to do any good in the long run. You helped me see things clearly. I am in the UK, so we don't have thanksgiving, but happy Thanksgiving to you

Very glad to help. And thanks for the Thanksgiving wishes!

Brae,

Please don't be frightened of Plan B. I know its natural to be apprehensive but you must realise that this is the best chance you have to save your marriage, if you still want that. You've been in Plan A since you discovered the A over a year ago. Continued plan A is not going to work here. All it will do is make your WW's infidelity a he11 of a lot easier for her to continue while making your life a living he11. Not to mention what message it sends to you DD.

I made the same mistake. I plan Aed for months and months and all I succeeded in doing was to 'normalise' everything in my WW's eyes. In affect I enabler her to an extent. Do not make the same mistake. This is your chance to show her exactly the life she is choosing for herself and her family.

She needs to feel the full consequences of her actions now. DO NOT SHIED HER FROM THEM! This is the time to stand up and be a man. You have done all you can. This is the best chance to make her realise what she is doing!

And remember if Plan B doesn't save your marriage it will save you!

Goodluck

Why did you do that? You are in plan b!

MFIL,
Thanks for your comments, it doesn't feel like Plan B is making me stronger at the moment. I have times where I feel calm and others where I feel devastated, but it's early days.

Mel,
I went through IM, did not have any direct contact but thought she should know that we now had this massive phone bill to pay, which is probably down to her abandoning her family

You broke NC.

You had direct contact.

Whether YOU wrote and mailed a letter to WW.

Whether YOU sent an email to WW.

Whether YOU text'd WW.

Whether YOU IM'd WW.

Whether YOU picked up a the phone and left a voice mail.

Whether You picked up the phone and left a message on WW's answering machine.

Whether YOU spoke on the phone with WW.

Whether YOU sent a telegram, and nobody sends those any more, to WW.

You broke NC. Your words went directly to WW. Then WW responded directly back.

"Spoke to one of our IM's and asked her to pass on to WW that the first month she has left DD's phone bill is huge.
Just got a message back saying it is just a coincidence and nothing to do with what is going on."

Your sentence structure is confusing. Who is an IM? Who did you IM, WW or daughter.

I think that it is bad to use a child as a third party. Even when they are adult age.

brae, this should have never been passed on. Only essential information such as finances and things concerning your DD. NOT your opinion that the phone bill was her fault. When you go into Plan B the last thing on her mind should be good thoughts, you don't want to pass on lectures. This phone bill is your DD's fault and she should probably lose her phone.