Tuesday night H and I were up IMing until 5 in the morning as he was on a business trip. Wednesday we talked, exchanged texts, and IMs... It was the usual -- questions, honesty, talking, checking in, flirting, sharing our days, and our hurts... Late yesterday afternoon he sent me an email that was very angry. It had the f-word, new accusations, stated he didn't believe me after all on things we've covered over and over (he told me just a few days ago that he does believe me), and had a whole new attitude I haven't seen since the first week after I confessed in late October. When he returned last night, we hugged and he held me tight, but he was very close-lipped. Then about an hour later, he unleashed.

He became the mean H of the last few years. He sat there repeatedly calling me names like sl*t and bi**h, using the F-bomb, and stating over and over "you did", "you are", "you think", "you want"... He mimicked me spreading my legs and put on quite a show. I was so hurt. Granted, I don't hurt at all like he is hurting, and there's part of me that thinks I deserve this, but I thought we had passed the point of verbal put-downs and unfair labels. (He doesn't think it's abuse. To him it's expressing his feelings.) Several times I said it's unfair what he's saying and I would leave it he didn't stop the way he was talking to me. Finally, I was very upset and as I got up barely able to breathe through my tears I said, "I know what you think of me. I'm sorry for what I did. I regret the pain I've caused you with every fiber of my being and wish I could take back my mistakes. But I can't. I'm sorry and I'm changed. And I'm not a sl*t." I tried to stand up for myself as best I could while maintaining responsibility for my actions.

I thought we were beyond this? (I have offered several times to take a polygraph, BTW.)

He has apparantly lost all memory of the cold, selfish, thoughtless, and hurtful things he's said and done to me in the last few years -- things that he admitted to when we were in counseling in September and October. (And I really tried not to bring them up.) I tried to explain it's not about being nice to me and caring for me one Saturday night at a rock concert (an event last March that he keeps pointing to as a night he proved to me how much he loves and cares for me), but it's about being nice and respectful and caring to each other daily. It was like I was talking to a blank wall. It was all about him and I felt he was lashing out at me. I couldn't believe what I was watching -- the wonderful, communicative, sensitive, and compassionate H I thought I had rediscovered in recent weeks ran away and came back as the mean man who was before.

I told him I will talk about the affairs, I will talk about recovery, I will talk about his pain, our children, our hurts, and our needs, but I won't take his insults and untrue accusations. I told him I'm sorry, I love him, and I'll talk with him in the morning then left for bed.

This morning the anger continues. I told him good morning and he didn't even look at me. Later he came to my bed and asked if I needed a hug. I said yes and as he held me, he said he was praying for my soul. He said he still cared for me but can't believe what a liar I am. I asked if he loves me -- something he said yes to even just last week. Today he said, "I don't know."

He just approached me and said he has written an email for the FOM. He said he'll let me read it before it's sent, though I'm not going to like it because it talks about my low moral character and my sl**tiness. Not sure what he's hoping to get out of sending such a message to my FOM.

I have no idea what happened in the last 24-hours to make him so angry again. Y'all talk about the roller coaster. And I've been riding it. But is there a time when I don't have to take his untrue hateful words any more? Or is this part of my consequence for the rest of my life and I have to smile and bare it?

D-day is still pretty new for him. One minute he will feel okay and the next his mind is rehashing all sorts of stuff. The questions all come back: How could she do this to me? Why am I still here when she obviously didn't give a rat's butt about me? This happens no matter what, but it doesn't help that BH is away from home sitting alone in a hotel room where anxiety and anger can take over very quickly. It's been what? 6 weeks? 6 weeks out for me was horrible L4, the lowest of the low. There were other dynamics at work in my case but the BS's mind starts to go to dark places and the anger takes hold.

I don't think you should endure never ending abuse L4 but I'm not sure what you thought what you were in for when you said you were willing to do whatever it takes to recover your M.

My H used to ask me "What's wrong" or "What did I do now?" when he could see I was peeved and I'd have to bite my tongue. I really wanted to yell in his face "WTF DO YOU THINK AHOLE!" The A is what was wrong! The A is what he did! Does there have to be more??? It is always there for the BS until they have healed themselves enough to not think of it constantly.

This is a case of not setting boundaries. Not sure where your boundary is L4 but I do think 2.5 yrs is excessive.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2168953#Post2168953

You need to set boundaries. When BH is abusive calmly tell him just that " you are being abusive to me, if you need to talk about the affair or anything else I am willing to hear you and respond, but I will not be abused, we are far enough away from D day for you to have much more control ". Then quietly leave the room.

If he is returning to the sort of behavior he displayed before the A, call him on it, and then leave the room. You MUST set boundaries, this is NOT all about him, it is about the family, it is about you, and it is about your extended family.

Stress does not make character, it reveals it.

You have messed up big time and he has every right to terminate this marriage,but he does not have the right to abuse you for months on end. He has the right to be angry and hurt, but he does not have the right to hurt his family and you are an integral part of his family.

It is time you developed your boundaries, and stated them clearly to him (BEFORE you two are in an arguement or intense discussion).

God Bless,

JL

This helps, BR. I know everyone's processing timeline is different. But reading your experience helps me understand my H's returning to anger is not unusual.


I need to revise my conviction, I guess. I am working hard to recover our M and will put in whatever effort necessary. But I will not go back to how we were last summer and how we had been for the last few years. I cannot go back to being an undermined doormat whose thoughts, opinions, needs, and concerns and unimportant.

I've never asked what's wrong. I know what's wrong. I agree with you that would be a ridiculous question considering what he's going through because of me.

I'll be sure to work on those boundaries. Thanks, everyone.

Interesting yesterday... My H communicated with me only by IM all day until dinner time. And we were in the same house the whole time. I told him I prefer to talk face-to-face, but he wouldn't -- for about 9 hours. I was on my computer doing job searches and he kept IMing me questions and comments. After the kids went to bed, H shared that he had called our MC and was going to meet with him. I was so happy to hear he was reaching out for help. This was huge.

In the evening H wanted SF. Afterward, we started talking and ended up in fight about our families -- always a touchy issue for us. We slept in separate rooms because I have a horrible cold. He joined me in the morning and we were able to talk calmly about last night. We didn't come to a solution, but we talked respectably. H left for the MC who said he will meet with H only one time alone since he's our couple's therapist and he can't treat either of us as an IC. H came back and then we had to leave for a memorial service -- our first "event" together since my confession. We came home, H took a nap, then he left for his brother's birthday party out of town.

Since H came back from the morning therapy session, he's been very quiet to me. I asked how it went and H said it was really good as tears came to his eyes. Later I asked H if he wants to talk with me about anything and he said no. He allowed me to snuggle with him after his nap, but he seemed completely detatched -- the most distant he's been in weeks.

The most important thing is that he sought professional help.

L4
I have a slight issue with your "first" A. If A.) you were not married to your H (and not married for years later)-- and B.) You did not consider this an affair-- why are you tarred with a twice cheater tag?

For me, the vows are the vows, the beginning of the marriage. Just because you live with someone, even if you have a commitment-- does not make you an adultress. it might make you a lousy girlfriend - but not an adultress.

Do not tell this to your H. It will only hurt him more.
Do not let this go to your head. It still may have been a crappy thing to do to your live in boyfriend. Depends on what agreements you may or may not have had at that time.

BUT
I just wanted to point this out as a point of contention for you.(and the actual act of the wedding ceremony). Not eveyone here will agree- but I see the Marriage as the beginning.


I think you were brave- good luck- don't beat yourself up too much.
BC

Barbcat,

I agree that the before wedding cheating was not adultery, I think the biggest issue here was that she married her H and she knew he did not know about the cheating. It is not the same thing as adultery but could be seen as even worse, since it taints the entire marriage from the very beginning.

BarbieCat,

Dishonesty is dishonesty no matter when it occurs, if it was no big deal why didn't she tell him back then?

I've know someone who had sex with a other woman the day before he got married, guess the vows weren't in place yet. After 20 or so years his wife did kick him out.

NJ

BTW, dishonesty before marriage is also cause for annulment, any conceilment of a important fact, criminal record, VD, emplyoment as a prostitute, impotence, etc can give grounds.

Thanks for trying to give me an "out" here, barbiecat, but it was wrong of me not to admit to cheating on my live-in boyfirend when it happened. I knew it and hid it because I knew it was wrong and that he would leave me. I loved him and was dishonest for my own, selfish reasons. It was a very different relationship from the affair I had this year while married, but it was cheating nonetheless.


Too late. He knows now. And it did hurt him more.

Thanks for your support, B.

Yep. And my H has told me numerous times since I confessed to it that it is worse.

Hi Looking4,

Thanks for posting and for sharing your ordeal.

A question if I may. How did your affair end, and did you suffer through withdrawal? If so, how bad was it and how long did it last for?

I hope things are working out between your husband and you.

best

GH31

Hey again L4,

Just dropping by. I hope that you may yet still encourage H to chat (create his own thread)

You have my vote as the woman I would prefer to have as a FWW. I tip my cap.

May God continue to give you strength and wisdom.

Hi L4,

Keep hanging in there. I know it's tough to hear what you are hearing from your H, but he's got to have the chance to vent. I honestly have no idea what to tell you about where the line is regarding what is venting and what is verbal abuse. I think you'll have to decide where to draw that line and figure out for yourself what may be sacrificed in your doing that; for example, causing your H to withdraw verbally if he feels to confined by 'rules' about language.....keep in mind that YOU broke the biggest rule of them all and it's only natural for him to feel a bit like he can run over your feelings sometimes. I'd stop at telling him that your feelings were hurt rather than telling him that his language is unacceptable, but that's just me. In my mind the 'rules' are different for the FWS and the BS in this regard....sorry!

I still, seven months out, have days where I cannot for the life of me see myself loving my H.....I have days when I tell him that. I have days when I tell him that I will stay because it's the right thing to do, but that I have NO intention of caring for him enough to be hurt by him again........then I have my 'normal' days when I DO feel I love him, when I see a future that isn't all about sacrifice and pain. Those days are more and more frequent as we go along.

I think that every couple deals with this differently. Some schedule "A-time" when the BS can rant, some take it as it comes, some make it off-limits after a certain point. For you right now, it sounds like you need to do what you can to ride it out. I think your H needs to see proof that you will stay if he decides to invest himself in recovery. It may be a childish way of testing you, but I'd venture to guess that most of us BSs have done it or something like it.

Keep up the good work.
Gwen

When one is in a relationship and then goes out at has sex with another, it is cheating/affair/unfaithful/infidelity. No matter how it is sliced it still hurts and usually causes the relationship to end.

How any one can think let alone say it does not matter because it was before they got married is incomprehensible.

It is also indicitative of a serious character flaw. The husband in this situation has been manipulated by his wife for the entire marriage.

In May I got a rude awakening of how messed-up the whole affair was and sent OM a note stating I wouldn't be contacting him any more. OM obviously loved his W and I had to either fix my M or leave it. No more texting, no more contact on the weekends. (We worked at the same company but live 2,000 miles apart.) I didn't know anything about NC and MB and all this stuff on how to end affairs, so we thought through will power we could go back to being friends. It was very hard but we both said it's what needs to happen.

I had an anxiety attack in June on a Thursday and emailed our management team that I was taking the rest of the day off. (OM and I were both managers.) OM called me and asked if I was okay. I couldn't talk and asked if I could email him. He said that was fine and I sent a very long message about my hurt believing my M was over, feeling like a failure, feeling unloved, concerned for my kids, blah blah blah... There was nothing erotic in the email. OM had just gotted a new mobile phone. He downloaded my email to his cell phone and apparently didn't delete it. I got a text message Sunday that OM's W read my email. A few hours later he sent an NC text message. OM's W also sent me two text messages. I don't know what transpired exactly, but gather that she confronted him and he finally confessed. (She had asked him about me before.) We continued to work together but had no correspondence without others involved -- copying others on emails and including others on conference calls. After receiving OM's and OM W's permssion to contact them through work IM, I sent an email July 24, asking what was known by co-workers about our affair. They responded together and that was the last correspondence we've had. I was layed off July 31 and he voluntarily quit as part of the company's downsizing.

I have gone through withdrawal. It was extremely painful for probably 2 months as I shared only with my IC what I had done. Feelings are dwindling and all that really remains for OM is anger. I don't talk about feelings for OM here any more as I don't want to offend any BSs. There is no more love, though I do hope he and his W are getting through this horrible time and they can eventually be happy again -- happy together if that's what BW wants. Interesting in that thoughts of OM dropped dramatically after I confessed to my BH in October. Ending the lie has allowed me to examine things in bright, exposing light verses under cloak and daggar. Among the many things I've learned from all of this is that trying to look at something in the dark is very difficult. I believe that covering my lies and trying to decode them pretty much on my own prevented me from coming to terms with myself, my H, my M, and the OM. Confessing has created unbearable pain for my H and it's also been painful for others and myself, but it's also been huge in recovering from this mess I made.

I agree. And it's a flaw I'm admitting to, trying to understand, and (with help) working to turn-around.

G'Day Looking4,

Thanks very much for posting and I sincerely hope that you're tracking OK with your hubby. A few more questions if I may...


What was it that gave you this rude awakening? Did it dawn on you slowly or hit you like a ton of bricks? Just curious as to how you got this epiphany.

and...


Thank you for considering the feelings of us BSs and exercising caution. In my experience it's not WS talking about their "feelings" for OP that enrage us, it's the rationalization and justification of having an affair - and everything being all about the WS - this is what drives us nuts. And, a complete failure to mention how much their actions have destroyed a BS. When you say can we reliably deduce that you were/are "in love" with OM?

I am very glad that you are posting your journey here and hope that you continue to do so.

I sincerely wish you and your husband all the best in recovering.