HF,

Not saying you aren't right on those as being the top three, but TYPICALLY women will have as their top three some combinations of:

Financial Support
Conversation
Affection
Honesty and Openness
Family Commitment

For most men it is some combination of these:

Domestic Support
Sexual Fulfillment
Recreational Companionship
Attractive Spouse
Admiration

(None of those are in ANY kind of order as far as I know)

Recreational companionship is one of those things men might have a hard time grasping since it usually applies to them more than to their wives. Women enjoy being with men during recreational activities most often because during that time together the men tend to open up and share openly, show affection with no suggestion that it has to lead to SF later, engage in conversation with little regard for needing to be right about everything and since these things can sometimes include family time as part of the equation, even FC is being met. To the man, it is all about the recreation; for his wife it is all about the relationship.

Like I said, I can't say that your wife's top three ENs are not those you listed, but especially if you have been busting your but for a year to meet those and she is still not interested in a relationship with you, you might need to make a reevaluation of those and try a different tack.

Just something to consider.

Mark

hogfan,

Any chance your wife would be willing to fill out the EN questionaire? If she's still foggy, it might not be on target, but it's better than nothing...

Right Here Waiting

There's nothing wrong with hiring a P.I. and trying to protect yourself.

But you never really answered my question...


Even if the P.I. catches her red handed in the act... Eventually you're going to have to answer that question for yourself...

It's not an easy question to answer. In my own situation I would prefer that my WW come back and we work on saving our marriage... but not without conditions. No contact... total transparency... counseling... etc...

In the absence of those conditions I'd have to protect myself and get a divorce.

I would like to work on my marriage, but with OM2 involved I do not know if I could ever trust again. It would take a lot from my WW. And if I get all of the evidence that I need to file for adultery then that is where I am headed. Anyway UPDATE from the weekend: As you all know I was out of town on Friday. PI started watching wW at 4:00PM and to noone surprise she cam walking out of the office with OM. OM got in my wifes car with her and they sat in there in the parking lot at work for about 25 minutes. PI told me that he will have to put the video on a TV to be able to see what was going on in the car. Saturday I did not see my wife because I was hunting. Although she text me several times. Sunday afternoon I did a lot of yard work and WW stayed in the house texting and talking on the phone all afternoon. This morning I placed a voice activated recorder in her car. I am very nervous that she might find it. I would really like for all of you to chime in on the events from Friday.

What did she do on Saturday?

Why would you go hunting if you suspect your wife is cheating?

Does that fill some EN of hers?

She was shopping with her sister and mother and had the kids with her. Going shooping I guess fills an EN for her because she does it a lot. My not buy just shop. It should be interesting to see in the voice recorder reveals anything. I tried last night to set my girls down and tell them what was going on. I asked my oldest D (11) if she believed in her dad and she said yes. I then aksed her if she knew what was going on and she said yes, but she did not want to talk about it right now. My youngest D (6) kept asking me what was going on and my oldest told her that it was not good. Since my oldest did not want to talk about it I did not think it would be a good idea to try and explain to a 6 year old just yet. I want to get as much evidence as I can for a nuclear exposure to everyone. Back when I was speaking with OM wife OM got on the phone and said I needed to talk to my W I told OM that at the moment I was toalking to his W. OM told me to not call there again. I wanted so bad to call OM Saturday and tell him to stay out of my W car, but I know I can not do that until I get more. By the way once I do since OM W believes hime so much she will be getting copies of the videos with a statement "now do you believe your hubby". The PI stayed on my W Friday until 11:00PM, and did not see any activity. If OM showed up it was after 11:00PM. When I came home on Saturday I did not see any evidence of anyone being there but I did notice where my W had made her some mixed drinks on Friday night. I asked both girls if anyone had come over and they said no. Any thoughs or ideas? Am I headed in the right direction with what I am doing?

Yeah, I have some thoughts.

Thought 1. You've been here 10 days and are still taking her crap.

Thought 2. This is the second OM.

**edit**

Call me what you want, but I am getting my evidence and then she will be out the door. That is my goal and i will stay my course. I am on this forum looking for advice from people that have been through something similar to this, and to get ideas on how to gather more evidence, and for support.

MelodyLane - You seem to give a lot of good and helpful advice. In your opinion am I on the right track on gathering this evidence. Do you know of any other ways to gather evidence?

Look, if you want advice, I'm offering. However, if you want someone just to agree with your actions I'm the wrong guy.

I don't buy the 'coddle the WS' attitude.

Most recovered here are recovered because they put their foot down.

You are making excuses constantly. Oh, Arkansas is such a bad state for men. Oh, I can't see her phone. Oh poor poor me.

I told you more than once, snap her effing phone in half and toss her belongings out the front door.

Otherwise, sit and wonder what she's doing w/OM in your car.

iam - Not making any excuses. I have told you that if I take her phone which is in her name and break it, she will have the ability to possibly file charges against me for some form of domestic stuff, because the phone is not in my name. I have checked on this. I would love to take it and smash it. I would love to yank it out of her hand, but I have to be very careful with that. I am though going to pull her sim card and copy all of the texts to my phone.

who did you supposedly check with about the phone??? Does she shower with her phone??? Don't blow smoke up our asses and tell us that they ONLY way to get her phone is to force it out of her hand.

Once you have the phone...I wouldn't suggest smashing it..not until you have accessed its contents. Just don't own up to taking it.

I have to say that your failure to stand tall here makes me question both your fortitude and manhood. YOU need to change how you are approaching this. Right now, your inaction is the biggest problem.

So your worried about destroying her property but not stealing it?

**edit**

BTW, she texts because YOU let her.

Whatever. As far as smashing her phone or taking it. On the advice of my attorney "DO NOT DO ANYTHING THAT SHE CAN DOCUMENT AND USE AGAINST YOU". I can get the information off the phone while she is sleeping. Does she take the phone to the shower with her? YES!!!!!!! To the bathroom with her? YES!!!!!!!!!
The only time she relinquishes it is when she goes to bed.

Please keep your posts helpful and productive to the poster without personal attacks!

I'm not attacking the poster. I'm trying to help him see that his inaction is not helping his situation.

Hogfan, I apologize if I've offended you.

iam - you have not offended me. I know that it may seem that I am being submissive to my W, but my goal here is to get as much as I can on her. I came here to get all of the advice that I could get on how to do that. She seems to always be a step ahead, but I think now with what the PI got on Friday and the voice activated recorder that I am getting a step ahead. I also came here to get all of the support form anyone that I could that has been through this sitch. When you are comitted to someone like I was to my W it is very hard to deal with what I am going through.

So you're wanting information on how to get evidence to help you file divorce and win custody of your children.

In addition to getting her cellphone while she sleeps, hiring the PI, and putting the voice activated recorder in the car, you can:
tap the home phone
put a GPS on her car that reports where she goes
put a keylogger on her computer

What kind of cellphone does she use? If Windows Mobile based SmartPhone: http://cellphoneforums.net/cell-phone-market/t262613-cellular-mobile-text-call-log-spy.html
http://www.parentalsoftware.org/cellphone-spy.html

Ask your attorney what kind of information you need to win custody, and focus on that.