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Are you still planning to tell your wife tonight? yes Unless I misread, you just told your parents about WW's A last Wed? Why then? Was part of you hoping they would lay into W as punishment on your behalf? last wed was a tough day for me, and WW's mother and sister were becoming less and less help, so i needed someone else to talk to. The reason i waited to long to tell my parents was because i was worried they would never forgive my wife. The last thing i ever wanted is for them to punish her on my behalf. When i say that we just started recovery, i really mean JUST STARTED as in Saturday.
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
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tc9,
How does trust and verify work with Radical Honesty? The way I did it was to verify in front of my FWH. Check his phone, the computer, the trashes...do my by-then compulsive route in front of him and own this was my thing.
What I needed. About me.
And I did it less and less over time...so commiting to a schedule...NC was put into place just this past Saturday? Checking daily is not unreasonable, even with her commitment to acting transparent. In a month you might go to twice weekly; in two months, once a week. And stay at once a week for six months. Then go to once a month for another year, then to twice a year, which is where I am now, four years later.
The honesty is that you state you will be checking--your job in your half of the marriage is to know reality. How blind trust isn't reality in marriage...though we are taught otherwise.
And as for telling your WW that you informed your family of reality, which was before NC, correct? You state what you did not as an excuse, as real explanation...here was my thinking...and how following the rules of marriage, recoverying from infidelity--all of this is new, some really counterintuitive--and you're doing your best, each day, and your desire to do better.
Called amends...you own what you did, why you did it, and how and why you won't do it again. Kind of trailblaze exampling for those on your team.
Thing about understanding a spouse's fog is how intent we must be to see and act clearly. Make clarity your goal and the rest will follow.
My two cents.
LA
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When i say that we just started recovery, i really mean JUST STARTED as in Saturday. Quick question, Is your W still working with OM?
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Thanksgiving is going to be ackward no matter what. If your wife doesn't want to go are you willing to go without her? Do you have children?
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Totallyconfused,
Radical honest is not BRUTAL honesty. It is honesty delivered but not to hurt, but help. YOu cannot avoid hurting your W with some of this news, but she needs to know whose side you are on.
I agree with Mel that your W should stand up and apologize to everyone she hurt, but she do it from her heart and not because a gun is at her head. You all started recovery just Sat. my observations on this site indicate that while a WS may be truly sorry and regretful for what they have done, they take days/weeks/months to process all that they have done. Some never even bother.
I think expecting a full airing out of all of the issues with your mother and a full apology to your mother and the rest of your family will require some time and for YOU to build some bridges and some boundaries to protect your W, yourself and yes your mother. It appears that none of this has been done yet, and given the short time scale I can understand that it has not.
You cannot expect your family to act as if "nothing happened" at Thanksgiving, but you should also know what your W is willing to do and say before you throw her into this situation. If she is willing to apologize and even discuss things with your mother fine, but you set the boundaries for the discussion with both of them.
I know this is uncharted territory for you, but you MUST become the head of your family now. You must broker a situation that your family can handle and your W can handle.
You will find I like many here are not a big fan of protecting people from the consequences of their actions. Yet, given how new this information is to your family, given that recovery is new, and given that your W is not clued in as to who you have talked to, YOU must act and you MUST control this situation until some healing, clear thinking, and recommitment are well underway.
It is time to stand up, and man up. If for some reason your mother doesn't fully get on board,solicit help from your father if he is in the picture and in the know.
You are not trying to pull people apart, you are trying to put things together. Envision if you will, you putting pieces of fissile material together. If you exceed critical mass, you have a chain reaction and complete radioactive melt down, with associated death and damage. If you do it carefully and in a controled manner, you can make sure critical mass is NOT achieved and thus you make a very dangerous (to your marriage) situation platable if not complete safe.
Please think about this.
God Bless,
JL
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no children, only been married a few months.
WW does not work with OM anymore, but they still work at the same place. WW has since transfered out of OM's department.
My family and WW's family know I am using this site, so i changed names in case they have been watching what I have been posting. Sorry, didn't intend to deceive anyone here, just trying to be careful not to lose my only really good source of advice.
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
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Well they can still have kids lol. I'll take that as a no kids then.
If wife agrees to go then tell your mother the A is not a topic for discussion and you will leave if she can't behave. Tell your wife you will leave if your mom or any other family members cross the line.
If wife doesn't go, will you go without her? I'm sure you want to see your family but not sure how festive the day will be if your mind is on WW. Or will you a little bit happy to have a break from WW even if it's just for the day?
Last edited by black_raven; 11/24/08 02:51 PM.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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if WW doesn't want to go, we'll just spend that time with her family. Her mother and sisters have known for much longer, and she has spoken with them about it.
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
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TC,
That is a good solution but it does not change what you must do for your W and your family. You must be the one to lead the parade of recovery and that is setting down YOUR boundaries on what you expect from everyone. They may not like it, but I think in the long run you will gain respect from your family, your W, and self-respect as well.
God Bless,
JL
PS: Please note that a good leader is out front, not in the back pushing. You set the goals, you set the boundaries and you support her in meeting these goals in a way that you two POJA.
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if WW doesn't want to go, we'll just spend that time with her family. Her mother and sisters have known for much longer, and she has spoken with them about it. Well I guess you won't know what WW says until you clue her in tonight...although I can guess. You should spend Christmas with your family no matter what.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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You should spend Christmas with your family no matter what. I definitely agree. If she honestly decides that she isn't up to facing my family yet (and i think that will be the case), I am still not going to let her avoid it forever.
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
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Well, I told my wife that my parents know about her affair tonight, and it didn't go well. She was very angry and told me that she could not trust me anymore, and expected to find out tomorrow that even more people know about the affair. She said the things with my parents would never be the same and that she can't face them at thanksgiving. I can't blame her for being angry at me for not telling her that they know until today, but she is also angry that I told them at all. I tried to explain that I needed to tell them because I needed someone to just listen. As it stands now, it looks like we aren't going to my parents for thanksgiving, which is fine. Now, I need to figure out a way to just get my wife over her anger, yet again. I really screwed this up, huh?
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
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tc, you didn't do anything wrong. Maybe you could have told her sooner, but that is not a big deal. She is angry because she is naturally embarrassed about what she did. She is the one who did something wrong, NOT YOU. Don't let her turn this around and make you the bad guy.
Its a crying shame she put you in this position, isn't it? If she hadn't had an affair, there would have been no reason to have to go to your family for support.
Suggest to her that she owes your family an apology after she apologizes for puttin you in this position.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She is the one who did something wrong, NOT YOU. I know, but I haven't done my part as a good H to be honest with her and avoid LBs. Right now she is angry that I told them, and angry that I waited so long to tell her. I'll apologize for waiting to tell her, but not for telling them in the first place.
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
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TC,
Your W's response is normal, but her behavior is that of a petulant child. You say you have not been married long. If you expect to be married much longer I think you need to understand something, not everything bad that happens in this marriage will be your fault, nor your responsibility to fix.
I think we have a case in point.
I think I would look her in the eye, and say "what did you expect me to do, when you have an affair, lie to me, and almost destroy our marriage, just stand there MUTE? I really couldn't go to my W for help could I?" Of course you needed people around you to help. She will as well, and so far you have decided to do just that. She needs to understand this.
I don't know how old you are, but you seem to have several women you need to learn to stand up to. You don't have to be mean or rude or disrespectful, but you MUST LEARN to defend your boundaries and state your expectations to both of these women.
God Bless,
JL
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I have prepared an email for my wife telling her my opinions of how our horrible discussion went last night. I know email is not the way to deal with problems in your marriage, but she quicker on her feet than I am, more articulate, and always gets me flustered to where I lose my train of thought that I have found it better that I lay out my position in writing before we really get into it and I forget entirely what I wanted to day. so, here it is. I would like any advice you guys have, I am really lost at this point. quick background: WW and I started recovery over the weekend, but I had not yet told her that my parents know about the A, and we are are scheduled to go to their house for thanksgiving dinner. I told my wife that my parents know last night, and she responded with anger (expected) over the fact that I did not tell her sooner, but also for the fact of telling my parents in the first place. My parents have pledged their full support for our marriage, and I told her that, but she says that thing will never be the same and that she can't face them at thanksgiving. She then refused to talk anymore, and just went to bed. I just need to say a few things about last night. You have a right to be angry at me for not telling you the truth sooner about my parents knowing. But, you have no right to be angry at me for seeking their comfort and advice in my time of need. Remember, you are the one that made the decisions to get us into this mess, not me. All of my actions since this thing started have been focused on one single goal, to find a way for you and I to repair our marriage. Both times that you have found out that I told someone about your affair, for first reaction has been a selfish one. The only thing you seem to be concerned about is how difficult it will be for you to face these people. Have you ever stopped to think about the pain your actions have inflicted on others, not just me, but everyone else? You still don't seem to understand how hurt I still am, and how i need to discuss how i am feeling. Maybe that is because I have shown you more understanding and forgiveness than you deserve at this point. After all the forgiveness I have shown you, you are still unwilling to forgive me for my actions in response to your affair, does that seem right to you? You have a way of beating me down when we get in these arguments that I begin to almost feel as if everything is my fault before realizing that we wouldn't be here if it weren't for your choices. Please have enough respect for me and my feelings to not always try to make me feel like I am in the wrong.
The other thing I need you to know is that I will not tolerate you shutting down every time we have an argument. Married adults talk about their problems and try to reach a resolution, they don't just shut down and punish the other person with silent treatment. Nothing good comes from you going to bed angry at me. You may wake up slightly less angry, but that is only because you have internalized some of it. Carrying around this anger inside you only makes it worse the next time we get into a fight. I know you say that you just need to work things out on your own, but we are married now, working thing out on your own is for single people. I don't want this to feel like a lecture, because we both know that I also have plenty to learn when it comes to communication. I am trying to work on my issues, and I need you to work on yours for us to have any hope of a recovery. I know you are not a fan of counseling, but I think we could really use it just to learn how to communicate like a healthy married couple.
I just want you to know, that even though I have spoken with your mother, sister, and my parents about your affair, I have been, and will remain 100% on your side. We are a team and need to work through this together, make joint decisions, remain open and honest, and above all communicate. I admit I was wrong in not telling you sooner that my parents know, but I need you to forgive me, just like I have begun to forgive you for all of your actions. Forgiveness is the only way that we can begin to move forward, and focus on what really matters, us.
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
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bump,
I really need advice on this one, thanks.
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
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TC, No you don't!  It is just fine. It states your feelings, your position, your goals. It is well considered and it is the truth as you see it. Will she be mad? Perhaps! Will she think about it? Probably but don't expect an immediate turn around. She has some growing up to do. I say send just what you have written. God Bless, JL
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JL - thanks for all the help these last few weeks. I know I haven't done things close perfectly, but without you and the other members here, I think i would be much worse off. I sent the email. Will she be mad? Perhaps! I'm sure she'll be mad, but she was already mad to begin with, so not much to lose there. Will she think about it? Probably but don't expect an immediate turn around. She has some growing up to do. Hopefully she'll think long and hard about what I said. I have grown to learn over the last 7 years with her never to expect a quick turn around. the problem I am facing with my family is that they are expecting a quick turn around. I try to tell them that people in my wife's position often take months to fully realize the impact of their actions, but their feeling is that every day that goes by without her showing true remorse and a willingness to deal with the consequences head on, shows more and more of her true character as a person that doesn't care about who she hurts, and only cares about herself. It is hard for me to argue with that.
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
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