NG:

I can understand how you feel. You need to tell him. I am an xBH (who never received the courtesy of an admission much less a true apology) and I can tell you EXACTLY how to do it.

Be completely honest...don't make excuses, don't blame him, don't sugarcoat it
This is about THE A...it isn't yet time to talk about how to renew and improve your M (yes, we know, your H made mistakes)
Be sincere and truly remorseful
Be humble and tell him you really want forgiveness and to work of your M TOGETHER
Assure him that you understand what you did was WRONG and was entirely your doing and your (bad) decision
Tell him the A is over and you are committed to complete NC
Tell him you are completely willing to be an "open book" from now on
Come to MB -- both of you

My gosh, sweetie, you are making such tremendous progress in ashort period of time!

I AM SOOOO PROUD OF YOU!!!

Awww, thanks. This site really opened my eyes to what we were doing. I knew it all deep down all along, I think I just needed the virtual slap in the face to stop and think.

ME 2!

You are correct...I was behind the time-curve. My apologies--you are doing the right things and deserve a great deal of credit!!!!

I know you are dreading talking with your H -- COURAGE and SINCERITY and HONESTY are always the best policies. Do it...

thats ok, I hope I didn't sound snotty there, lol. My head is spinning right now. :MrEEk:

I know! He has work to do as well. If you both follow the MB program (read up on the four policies--POJA, etc.) your marriage CAN'T be the same unhappy way and neither you nor HIM can "be the same old person."

I know it sounds crazy and hard to swallow for you right now but it is true.

My guess is that your H has learned some very valueable lessons (the HARD WAY) about how to meet his wife's emotional needs and how much his M means to him. Please, put your (understandable) fears and resentments aside and take ACTION.

First things first... Tell him about the A....

Hi, novembergirl.

I was where you are 4 weeks ago -- debating what I should do about an affair that was over. (My post is "Hubby Now Cares. Should I tell of A?") I came hear and the amazing people here helped me to do the right thing. Some are more direct than others. Some may seem very biased. But in the end, they all want what's best for a marriage. They've lived it and they know it. It is so very hard to hurt someone with the information you're about to share, but you have the courage and you know you need to do this. I encourage you to see this through and tell your H. It'll be harder than you can even imagine. But it's the first step to restoring your integrity and perhaps your relationship.

Best of luck to you.

Looking4

We are here to for support and help people do the RIGHT thing. It is not always about saving a marriage but it is generally about building a better marriage.

You are doing GREAT! Don't get discouraged or scared off. You have made more progress in 6 days than most waywards do in 6 months.

Validate your H's feelings when you tell him. He will be hurt. Tell him you understand why he is hurt. Your marriage will survive and thrive after hurts; it can't if there is continuing dishonesty, secrets, excuses, or (worst of all) a 3rd person coming between you.

You are definitely doing the RIGHT thing here, don't let uncomfortable thoughts or feeling stop you.

BRAVO!

Thanks for that. My family has been really supportive towards this, and I told them I was going to this website. Amazing advice and knowledge here.

Wonderful!

Keep posting and keep going forward. We all want to help you

Agreed!

Mark

NG, you have made great progress in your short time here. I don't have much to add to all of the fabulous info. others have posted. You need to separate the affair from your marriage. TAke what you learned from it but put that affair in a place that is separate from your marriage. They seem so entertwined but pull them apart. The affair was a poor choice you made. Now start making good choices about a bad situation (your marriage). Read everything here and get the books "how to survive an affair" and "his needs her needs".
I am very glad to see you have lowered your defenses, lost the chip on your shoulder and realized you have no right to judge how someone handles having their family torn apart (maybe wife is handling it incorrectly but didn't you also handle yourself incorrectly??) Your posts started off very defensive but have really turned around. That means you are making headway. Make decisions that make you feel proud of yourself, not decisions that make you feel good in the moment. And, I never saw an answer to the question "What have you done to ensure no contact?" You can't just trust your willpower on this. That has already failed you. Do you know where he lives? If not, don't find out. It will haunt you. Good luck and keep your heart open to the people here. They can help you.

NG

like yourself I had an affair. Maybe if I give a short history it may let you see where I was at one time.

I blamed my H for just about everything in my life at the time... I felt he had deserted me ( to be honest I never thought he had deserted me and the kids... just ME) ... my God I hated him.
The affair was supposed to be an exit affair..I wanted to hurt him as I believed he had hurt me

But I didn't just cheat on my H, I cheated on my kids... my family...I cheated on ME !!! I was just so frustrated and so bloody angry .... God he was so bloody selfish I thought at the time. I wanted to be happy again ... I wanted .. well I just wanted.

I was a mess and boy did I make a mess. The ripple effect of the affair just goes on and on. It is so painful to relive MY actions and MY decisions.

With a lot of help and counselling and some plain hard work on me by me I regained some of my life back. I even was blessed enough to have a forgiving H & family.

Don't think just because I didn't leave my H or he me that there are not issues in our M. Of course there are. Some cannot be resolved easily or at all. The difference is ... we DISCUSS our problems now... I certainly don't get my way all the time but usually we can both come to a compromise or a decision that we are both ok with. and you know ... there not that many issues for some reason any more.

You see so many of OUR problems were mine. I did have some very real issues that I should have got help on.

I learned to OWN my decisions... to take responsibility for them .... to live with them.

I killed my old M NG... dead as a door nail .... but I made a new one. I built it with my H (and my kids ) from the rubble of my old M that I left it in. My God was that hard ... and I'm still building it.

What I am saying is that no matter HOW bad your M may be in your opinion.. and yes maybe it cannot and should not be saved ...you will never know for sure if you don't at the very least try.
But to make such a decision until you are well and truly over the OM and out of contact for some months ... well I know from experience that your decision right now will not be truly a clear and balanced one.

DON'T ALLOW YOURSELF TO EVER REGRET THAT DECISION just because it 'feels' ok right now.

I cannot say if you H will even want to try ... but you should for yourself AND your H. Look he may call you all the names in the book and IS going to be very very hurt ... he may even suspect your affair. However... no matter how hard it seems or may get ... is not over until its over.

Are you afraid? I was .. I was petrified. I wanted to press the undo button but there was none. Then I was angry at my H.. at me... at the world.

But NG you can take control of the situation... work on yourself and work on your M. Get rid of OM phone number... don't ring... don't email .... try to turn your thoughts away from the OM ... take up some activity while you do this ... idle hands and all that ..... I did aerobics & boxing ... my counsellor told me to imagine the OM's face when I hit the punching bag every time I was thinking of our affair (you know I haven't thought of her little gem of wisdom for ages) .. sort of weird I guess but it worked for me ... look there are lots of ways ... but just stay away from OM and slowly you will find your perception of events a lot different from today.

I'd also advise you get someone like Dr Harley in on this as well. They are really good at what they do.

NG you have a hill to climb ... not easy but not impossible. We can hold your hand NG but YOU need to do the work. I pray that you can for your own sake no matter what.

I can tell you from my perspective now .... life is just great with my H and kids ( 2 adults & one 3 yr old). And if you wondered... yes there are times I still could strangle the man .. but God how I love him.

But just think ... a few short years ago I hated him and wanted to be gone ... and how much would I have missed out on .. it was worth working through the pain and remorse and oh yes the shame I inflicted on myself. NG even good people make bad choices ... it took me a long while to accept I wasn't dirt on the bottom of lifes shoe ... and neither are you. But you need to choose your path from here on ...

make the OM history in body and mind ... work on the M and you ... THEN see where you stand.

Praying for you and your loved ones

AW

GREAT post AW ....

I wanted to highlight this:





..... this is such an important realization for waywards to make - I cannot emphasize enough how important this is!

Whatever happens to the marriage - you have to live with yourself.

When we make a vow and break it - first and foremost, we break a promise to ourself. This is true with any vow - not just marriage vows.

You need to FIX yourself or carry this brokenness into your future relationships.
The brokenness is ~~~> "I'll break my vows" .... and there is no "but" or "because" .... integrity and character CAN be recovered with openness and honesty and humility.

Well, I chickened out....I went to my parents over the weekend, and told mom about how mixed up I was feeling about telling H...I have to do it this week if I ever want to...Signing seperation papers at the end of the week. Once that is done, He definately will NOT want to work on things. (Holding a grudge is his companion 87% of the time....He does not let anything go) I think that is why I'm scared to talk to him...Because I feel he will reject any attempt or appology I make at all. He will stop listening after I say those first few words... and he will never let it go...But on the other hand, what if he did see the light? What if he did change enough to want to work through this....I can't let those what if's haunt me for the rest of my life I know... I just need to get the courage to do it....

NG,
Like you, I am the FWW. My story is similar to yours in that once I confessed to the A, my husband was certain we would get divorced. I ended up living at my mother's house for a few days and Mr Z was pretty much drunk that entire time.

He told me he was going to move out for good. His pride would not allow him to even consider reconciling. When he sobered up, he asked me to come home. For weeks I let him call me every name in the book. This made it very hard to tell him all of the details of the A, and I ended up telling him the painful truths of it bit by bit, each time bringing him back to d-day once a new truth was revealed. It was an incredibly painful time for both of us.

Eventually, we called the Harleys and that turned out to be the best thing we could have done for our recovery. It got us both talking again. We are about eight months into recovery now.

When I was in the throws of the A, I didn't love my husband and I didn't think I ever could again. I have to say I love him more today than I did when we got married.

It all comes back to your integrity. Do you have any?