MB helpers,

I have more drama to deal with today. Sam was going to wait until after Thanksgiving to tell me but he couldn't keep it in. His girlfriend is pregnant about 4 months. They have been trying to decide what to do and have decided to give the baby up for adoption, since they both are planning on medical school. How 2 premed students let this happen I don't know, but I'm living in a glass house on this issue.

So I am thinking, but not very well I admit, that I will adopt the baby. What is one more child and the baby will be my first grandchild. I will be 42 in April, so I'm not too old and I can afford it. Sam would absolutely love me to adopt the baby and his girlfriend is pretty happy as well. She is not going to tell her parents at all because they are super super religious baptist, but I have never met them.

I'm spinning right now, but at least not missing the xW.

That sounds to me like a very good idea. It WOULD be your FIRST grandchild so you want to be around it.

BUT!

Do not be a free babysitter/adoptive father/whatever. I'd charge them for it. If they can afford the idea of med school they can afford to pay you to care for the child.

Normally I'd say tell her parents, but...I'll let the veterans handle this.

Adoption is a wonderful thing. And it sounds like a mature and responsible choice for Sam and his girlfriend.

I have 2 very dear friends who are really great women, in stable long term marriages who have dealt with infertility for years. They would LOVE to adopt a baby and have been trying for years.

But, the supply of babies available for adoption is so low.

And from a societal standpoint, I think it is because of situations like yours. Grandparents standing in for birth parents.

I don't doubt that you would be a good parent to this baby. But please consider that this baby could end up in a very nice family. And you could continue healing from the trauma you've been through this past year.

Lexxy and Rose,

I'm still processing. I know there are plenty of two parent households who would love a new baby. I know quite a few people my age trying to have babies.

I'm not offering to be a babysitter, if we do it then I'm going to be dad until the child is old enough to know the truth. I would like to tell her parents but she is almost 22 years old, so not a child. I would have alot of support from extended family, my xinlaws and my parents are all under 70, but don't know anything about the baby yet. I'm guessing you can see a family pattern of young births.

I have sometime to process this but I can tell that Sam will be crushed if he never gets to see his child grow up.

wow, 6, my head is spinning over this one!

I would caution you to go very slowly here.

Adopting Sam's child would forever change your relationship with Sam. WHose child would it be-- yours or Sam's? What about in 10 years when he's finished his training and has a nice career and still sees "his" child every time he visits you? Is Sam prepared to forever give up custody/decisions/parental rights to his own child, while still seeing that child regularly? Sam's going to want to be the daddy himself at some point.

And that child would, unless you make other provisions in your will, stand equally to inherit with your other children. So why does Sam's "line" now get two shares and everyone else's just one? Can you see the potential for sibling resentment here? They are kids now, and might not care so much, but when they are adults some of them will care plenty, no matter how great they seem today.

This is a recipe for major confusion.

Is there a cleaner way to raise this child and maintain boundaries/relationships in a more natural way? To say that "we" as a family are going to rally around Sam and his new child and help him see this through to a good result?

And are you going back to a pattern of rescuing those you love to their detriment?

Major counseling for all parties is in order here. Before making any life-altering decisions.

Chrysalis,

I'm trying to find a family counselor. We can do pretty much anything legally since Sam's girlfriend just frantically wants out of the situation. Sam could take full parental rights and then I could raise the child until Sam is ready, or I could do a full adoption. We could wait on the full adoption as well.

This is taking me for a loop, but I am at my best when I am needed. From the GF's perspective, I'm thinking Sam can just tell her that he/I will take care of the baby as soon as it is born. She will be relieved. If she wants I'm thinking she can come stay with our family when the time is near. She is taking minimal classes next semester.

Also, I'm thinking I should just go get a vasectomy.

Seems cleanest to let GF relinquish all parental rights to Sam, which you could probably arrange quickly and quietly. Then your best role as a dad is to teach Sam how to grow in to the role of dad. Be there, provide shelter, care, guidance, and teach him how it's done. He already sees you as a wonderful parent, now you complete the cycle by teaching him how a real man handles the needs of his child.
My H went through med school with a new baby and then another. Wasn't easy by any means. But it is possible to do it and not neglect your child.
Doesn't sound like Sam wants out of the parental responsibilities at all....you'd not be doing him any favors to make it too easy to "give up" his child whom he wants to see and raise.
Remember, none of us are "ready" to be parents before the baby gets here! Sam can grow into this just as you did.

6:

It time for the mother to have the conversation with her parents.

I don't care if they are super, super, religious or not.

She is 22. And a big girl.

But this is how babies end up in garbage cans.

Your son can go to med school. So can she.

You read, and posted on mgolfers thread. The OM in his case might not get to go to med school because of his poor choices.

Your son has made some poor choices. You can help fix some of them. You can't FIX all of them.

Offering to adopt? That's an excellent choice. But made in haste right now. Give it time. You may adopt the child, or someone else might. Your DS might also choose to marry this girl, and yes, she can't go to med school for another year. But her life isn't OVER because of this.

You need to have a conversation with son and GF and how important it is that she speaks to her parents.

They might be thrilled to have thier first grandchild as well. And, without thier knowledge of what is going on, creates the potential for MANY problems going forward.

Who pays for the birth? Mom's parents insurance probably.
What is there are post-birth issues? Mom's parents again.

Yes, you can hire your son and his GF into your business and then cover them under your insurance policy. That's an out. But lets not get too ahead of ourselves here.

Also:

WHAT if it was YOUR DAUGHTER?

How you feel if she didn't tell YOU?

LG

PS: Sorry, I see a return flight from Tuscanny soon...

LG,

She will not tell her parents, but I am sure they are not actually the ogre's she makes them out as. The baby is going to be loved by our family no matter what. Good idea about the insurance but she is covered by her policy at school because they require one for all students.

We will see how this effects the Tuscan Skies fantasy, I bet she will not even want to see the baby for months. And Sam will not talk to her anyway.

Chrysalis,

I wasn't planning on getting snipped today. :crosseyedcrazy: I'm just a little worried about getting more children by accident. xW could not have more kids after the twins, although 5 is plenty.

6YL,

You are really a great human being, but you are not superman, I think you have carried many an unfortunate/irresponsible person in your lifetime, and it seems with no bitterness or regret.

As an OC who was adopted out however I would ask how you intend to break the news to your grandchild, or never do so. I can tell you that it really sucks to find out everyone around you knew the truth about you life except you.

Possibly open adoption would be a good option as your Son and Girl friend could fund the childs college education one they start makeing a doctors salary.

It also seem unfair to deprive your grandchild of their maternal grandparents and extended family.

God Bless
NJ

6:

In five months, somebody is going to start missing some classes, and somebody is going to wonder why.

They may also want to come and visit during parents weekend.

This WILL BE revealed.

Her parents are not ogres. And even if they are, they should be consulted.

Remember, what would your want if it was YOUR daughter?

Sam won't tell the tuscan bunny. Someone else will.

LG

I do not mean this next statement to sound harsh, but it will sound that way no matter how I phrase it.

Subscribing to a plan of secrets, deceit, and withholding truth from others involved is still no more than liars, lying. Not a very noble plan from that angle.

please adopt a plan of honesty with everyone or you will spin a web that will hurt and entangle all in the end.

Tst, LG, NJ

The child will have to know at some point, because there will be no mother around the house. I would welcome the GF telling her parents but that is her decision, not mine. She is absolutely determined that no one in her family ever find out, she is already planning on Christmas at my house because she is worried she will be showing. I am quite sure that she will not stay with Sam after the baby is born because of her shame over the baby.

It feels like the train is already moving down the track, Sam was very down when he told me about the baby and giving it up. He is so happy that I offered to raise the baby but we have not talked about legal issues.

6YL,

Another point to consider is what effect this will have on D16 and D15, they are at an age where they might develop a maternal bond with the baby, and then delay their education to help raise the child.

I don't think anyone here would believe that you will do less than a stellar job raising the baby, but isn't it time you did some things for yourself.

God Bless
NJ

6,

I find myself in a similar situation with my DD.

Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. His parents have a right to know, and perhaps you should all sit down together and discuss this. The wonderful thing that could come out of it is that her parents could be willing to help too. Perhaps Sam and GF could keep the baby and still attend school with everyone's help. The baby could have a wonderful life with both sets of grandparents doting on it and be able to keep it's parents too.

I wish my sitch were that easy....

You could do what my aunt/uncle did with my adopted cousins. They were adopted as infants and each year they got to celebrate their birthday *and* their adoption day. They had cake and everything. I was always so jealous.

There was never any shocking discovery that they were adopted or anything. It's just how their family was. Some families had one kid, some had lots of kids, some had adopted kids...

Make sure you're offering to raise your grandchild as something you truly want to do, and not in an effort to fix things for Sam or salve his pain.

Then when you decide what it is you want to do, sit down with a good family attorney and have everything laid out clearly - i.e. the mother relinquishes all parental rights, whether she gets visitation rights, who is the legal and custodial parent (you or Sam) and if you are, then that Sam relinquishes all rights so he won't sue for custody in 10 years when he's out of school and in an established medical practice and able to care for his child.

You guys have quite a while to work all this out. For now, just support Sam and his GF, and thank him for his honesty, and be there for him.

6 yrs -

Welcome to the world of unplanned pregnancies. My youngest and only daughter (16yrs 11mos) is expecting in April and just found out it will be a girl.

The father was an illegal and back in Mexico at this time - so not sure if he will ever show up again.

My wife and I have decided to raise our grandchild (we are both 49 yo) until our DD is out of HS and perhaps even college. Her education and career goals still need to be paramount and am working out a plan in which consequences are not ignored. Just like an A - here we go again someone making a majour family decision without my input ~ sort of joke.

I am still processing it - signing up for a 6-7 yr gig was not in the plans but nevertheless adoption and abortion were never considered. I like you am probably in the best financial shape since our first was born in 1982.

I do applaud yours and Sam's attitude - I could not have the baby adopted knowing that I could provide for it. Take time to process it - there is a lot to consider - it has been a while since you have handle a young one - I am still getting a bit nervous.

I don't think this will be an issue. When I was 15 my Mom married a guy with a 9 month old baby. I baby-sat a lot, changed a lot of diapers, took him on walks in his stroller...

Then when he was three and I was 17 I went off to college. It never occurred to me to stay home and help raise him. That was an obligation my MOM had taken on, not me. I had my own life, and my own plans.

From what I've seen of 6YL, he'll welcome his children's involvement in the grandchild's life, but there would never be any expectation that they will do anything other than set their own goals and pursue their own dreams.

It was a good thing to think of, though. I didn't even think of it, and I've walked in the shoes of those children.

6years,

Well, my youngest was born when I was 42. He is graduating from college this year

Ok, it seems to me you all have the cart before the horse.

First, as has been mentioned by you and by others you have several options.

1. Adoption

2. Sam gets full custody and you simply rear the child until he is ready to be a father.

3. You help Sam rear the child and he actually behaves as a father and spends as much time as possible with the child.

4. They get married and they rear the child as they go to med school. I have known a few couples that did this.

HOWEVER, the cart before the horse comment is meant to address reality here. The GF right now wants to give the child up for adoption. But, as the pregnancy goes along she very likely will become attached to the child. Further, if her family finds out as is very likely, then they may want a say in their Grandchild's life as well.

Finally, I believe I am correct in saying that adoption cannot occur before the child is born. Please check with a lawyer.

It seems to me before you run off to get snipped, or decide on adoption, or just being the caretaker of your grandchild, you need LOTS OF LEGAL ADVICE, and you need to prepare yourself for the eventuality of GF's family finding out and/or her changing her mind about her role in this childs life.

My guess is that her family will hate the act, but still love her and they will in fact really want to have this child in their lives. I may be wrong but being strictly religious does not mean they don't love children, don't want grandchildren, and don't/won't love their daughter deeply. Will they be hurt? Yes they will, if for no other reason because of what it does to her future. It is the same way you are hurt.

You really didn't want Sam to have to deal with right? You really want him to get into and through medical school right? THis child he fathered is an obstacle to that, hence your decisions.

So seek legal advice, be prepared for things to change especially on the part of the mother/GF.

God Bless,

JL