Just another update,

Sam is coming home tonight with his GF. She is going to spend spend the holiday's with us. I'm not sure what story she gave her parents but they called to make sure I was providing the two of them with separate rooms. That was awkward but I am actually providing them separate rooms.

We have had many emails back and forth, Sam has stated that he wants the baby, looks like a boy on the ultrasound, and she is absolutely not going to have anything to do with the baby. She wants to meet all of us, so my parents, and xinlaws will all be at my house. It will be a strange Christmas.

Gabe

Strange indeed. One for the record books.

How is Sam feeling about his GF, knowing that she intends to dump the baby and run from her problems? Of course, her feelings may change with time. I'm sure panic and a desire to escape are normal initial reactions.

Since you're here I'll ask you, too, has XW returned and more importantly, has she contacted the kids? How are the kids doing? And yourself?

You know, while this Christmas may be strange, it will be full of integrity and that darn elephant is out from under the rug. So strange, but also good. Happy Holidays and Warm Wishes to your family.

turtle,

Have not heard a peep from the xW, neither have any of the children. Other kids and I are doing great, getting ready for the holiday. Everyone is very excited about the baby. Sam is sad that his GF can't deal with the baby but is handling it ok, he has had more time with it than the rest of us.

Are the GreatGrand Parents onboard and willing to help financially...at least a little? Also we will see how the GF feels after she gives birth....sometimes feelings change.

The great grandparents (ahhh I will be a grandparent) will help in anyway they can. They are thinking they will give Sam the other half of his medschool money so that he could still go to Harvard and would not have to work. We will all be discussing this over the next few months.

6, I am not in any way trying to denigrate the excellent parenting you and Sam will likely provide the baby, but I have to ask - and am asking you to be completely honest with yourself here: Are you sure you haven't fully considered the baby's best interests in regards to growing up in your family as compared to being adopted to a family somewhere with a traditional mother and father?

Most likely anyone who would adopt the baby, if you chose to go that route, would be childless, upper middle class, educated, in a great community, and absolutely besides themselves with joy at the prospect of finally having a child in their family. A lot of the same qualities you possess yourself, but with the added benefit of being a married couple, without distinctive personality or marriage issues (they are closely monitored for suitability), and would likely be revolving their whole lives around this child. A couple that may never be able to be parents otherwise and could impart that fulfillment onto the child.

I'm not trying to dissuade you or doubt your ability to love and raise the baby, but as others have noted, the impetuousity with which you and yours have made your decisions gives me pause just a little. And I can't help thinking that the decision is, in reality, a selfish one, rather than a loving one. You can read studies until the day you die about the real benefits of being raised by a mother and a father, so the child receives that which he needs from male and female figureheads, as well as the benefits of being raised in a home in which you are there...on purpose (not a mistake), which adoption could give. Normally I'm one to say all the baby needs is love, to prosper, but here you have an opportunity to give this baby even more than just love - the potential for an established, sociologically healthy environment in a household with both parents.

Again, just IMO. No offense intended.

6 yrs -

Kudos for you, Sam and even the GF. I suspect she is scared out of her wits. I can see her getting involved at later time when the fear subsides.

In my view - you et al may be saving a baby's life. It is too easy and cheap to go to the local clinic to waive this problem away. And there is nothing to stop her to go the clinic today nor tomorrow so you have given her reason to save the baby and perhaps her soul - I admire your plan of action.

Yep a new baby is always a blessing.

My teenage dtr will have a dtr in April. At first my wife thought it best to go to the clinic. I had advised her to sit and think about it for 24 hrs first. This is all I asked and we POJA ourselves into an agreement. I had asked her give me a good reason why this baby will be an issue. Money? no Time no?

My wife and dtr have both thanked me for being logical in an emotional time.

Catperson,

No offense taken. This is really Sam's decision, I am sure that people would beg to adopt this baby. Very healthy parents, both of them going on to medical school, no drugs, no drinking, ...

I am also pretty certain that Sam can't let the baby go. It is somewhat selfish on his part, but I can't make him give away his child. I have mentioned it to him and he just won't even talk about it.

6years,

I respect how you have handled your entire situation ... I'm sharing this from my own life experiences ... please don't take offense, as it is being offered with the best of intentions.

At 19, I was faced with a similar situation that Sam is experiencing. I was way too young and inexperienced to make this type of life altering decision on my own, but being the typical young man ... I THOUGHT I KNEW EVERYTHING.

In retrospect, I now know that I made those decisions based on pure emotion, feelings, and what "I THOUGHT" was the right thing to do in that situation. The problem was that at 19, I didn't know shi!t!!!

My father has always been one of my greatest champions, and he had much wisdom that he kept to himself, because he respected my wishes. We have talked about this from time to time over the past 25 years and with the wisdom that comes with maturity and real life experiences ... I can admit that I WISH I had reached out to him and tapped into his well of knowledge, or in the alternative, he would have just sat me down for a good ole fashioned fatherly lecture.

You see ... now with the clarity of hindsight ... I made a very bad decision at 19 ... and then compounded that bad decision with about 4 subsequent years of bad decisions that arose from the 1st bad decision. In effect, I LOST my 20's and was probably 33 years old before I climbed out of the emotional and financial hole that I had dug for myself with the decisions I made during a point where I didn't have the maturity, experience and wisdom to be making those types of decisions alone.

Good Luck to you and Sam!!!

On the flip side of these opinions, my nephew was raised by his deaf mother and my grandmother who had raised seven kids alone. As an adult, he is intelligent, happy, well-rounded and a very successful person in the business world. He is married and has a family. When he became an adult, after his mother passed, he ended up taking care of my grandmother. Bought her a home (she'd never owned one before) and looked after her day-to-day needs.

I also believe that he turned out so well because he was also brought up in our church (my dad was pastor) surrounded by a family of church members who watched over and supported him as well through the years. You've heard it takes a village to raise a child? There may be some truth to that.

I thought I would just give a post holiday update,

We had many days with everyone, grandparents, all the kids and Sam's pregnant xGF. It was awkward at first but we got used to it. She is barely showing but I can see why she did not want to go to her home for the holidays, since I am sure an observant parent would notice. She is a pretty, smart and nice girl, but strangely terrified of her parents. Her plan is to go back to school and have the baby there and then turn it over to Sam. Then work out like crazy so she can see her parents in the summer and they won't know. I wish she would not do this but she has a right to privacy as an adult.

We talked alot and right now, Sam wants to raise the baby himself. He is talking to all the schools where he has applied about how single parents manage parenting and school. The grandparents have agreed to pay for the other half of his school so he won't have to work. It is nice to have the whole family pulling together.

I still have not heard a single word from xW, but her mom says she is doing ok and is still in Italy. It is sad that she chose to ignore her children over the holidays. Sam is the only one who said anything about it. Basically that if he ever sees her again it will be too soon. He has so much hate for her it is scary, I have asked him to consider counseling. The others may speak about it in their kids counseling sessions, I don't know what they are talking about in those because it is private time for them.

6,

Is Sam GF going to sign over full custody to Sam? Is she going to assist him at all financially? I ask this because, as you know, a parent cannot give away a child's rights to support in most states.

I hope you and Sam seek really good legal counsel and that his GF does the same. I really am sorry for you and your son. I really still cannot fathom your exW's thinking, but I guess she has decided she really isn't a mother, she is not a W any longer.

Does her Mother have any interactions with your family? Does she know of Sam's situation? If so what are her thoughts on the matter?

Oh! I started this to wish you a Happy New Year! I hope this year turns out to be much better than the last one has.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

Happy New year,

Sam's gf is going to sign away all parental rights, like an adoption except he is the genetic father. We know for sure now that Sam is the genetic father so it should be straight forward.

xW's parents are around all the time and they are fully aware of Sam's situation and are going to help him financially. I do not even think I ever really knew xW because this behavior is shocking to me.

As far as Sam's situation, it will be tough and it will make his life harder, but I will always love any child we have in this family. So I am sure my first grandson will bring his share of happiness and joy along with the burdens.

Gabe

Gabe,

You are a fortunate man. You have good kids, and your in-laws seem to be really supporting you and the kids. This is a blessing that you should constantly be thankful for.

As I said I cannot understand your ExW. I hope your in-laws can. I have this feeling that someday, all of her actions are going to come crashing down around her. So far she seems to have paid little for her failures, but I do think they will reemerge to mess up her life.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL,

I have always been one to look at the positive side of things. Some things take hard work but this thing is worth it.

I am really pressing Sam to see some counseling about his feelings toward xW. A son should not hate his own mother. The others don't seem to hate her, but they don't seem to miss her either. I guess I'm really starting to see how poorly she performed as a mom.

Girls change their minds all the time.

The "never looking back" is a fantasy, can't be done.

$10 says she has a change of heart ... fasten your seat belt!

Or he picked a g/f just like his mom!

Pep...I don't agree. Some women (and a lot of men) can walk away after putting a child up for adoptson and not look back. Although, I am not one of those people, I think we all have different levels of maternal instincts.

Pep:

I don't think its a good idea to bet on this one.

The G/f may change her mind as the due date draws closer.

It the getting to the birth date without HER parents finding out.

That's the bet that can't be laid.

And when that happens, ALL the rules will change.

And 6: That's your unknown wild card in all this. WHEN they find out, and they WILL, then we might see alot a unexpected stuff going down....

LG

Yup, because in some states grandparents have rights and can even sue for custody.