no, we had filed for separation months ago. Thats already been signed for a while. so no, I can't just go into "his" house unless I break in(which is not ever gonna happen) and yes, I do believe he's being stubborn and ignoring. He's doing it to get a reaction out of me.

My personal recovery has been going well. I'm taking better care of myself than I have in a long time. My family all sees how much stress I was under before any of this. They didn't approve of the relationship but They stayed out of it because I'm a grown woman and have made and lived with my own choices.

Right now, I guess I'm choosing to not try.

This is great information, sorry I missed it before. You both signed legal separation docs, so you really did break the home apart legally, too. You choose to see him as being stubborn and ignoring AND that he's doing it to get a reaction out of you?

Which is it, ignoring you, the very sight of like a sharp slash of pain to him or focusing on you, not communicating, rejecting, to get you to react?

My view of ignoring is choosing to not think, react, contact, connect...each time a thought of you enters his head, he puts you out; same for calls, emails, etc. That's ignoring.

Do you consider yourself stubborn, positively or negatively? Do you see yourself ignoring him in some way? Do you act from love or choose your actions to get a reaction out of him?

You were under stress before the A? But not after? I'm not understanding your statement. Seems like right now, standing in the onslaught of consequences from your previous choices would be very stressful. Was for me. Far more in the aftermath, when reality really set in, than before, in my fantasy of resentment, judgment, starving my own love bank and pointing my finger at my DH.

Are you sharing that your family didn't tell you when you were in your A that you were betraying yourself, your marriage and your BH, or they are staying out of your fight for your marriage now? I'm sorry I'm not comprehending what you mean...might be that I'm tired now.

Are you saying you are no longer fighting for your marriage, is that what you mean by you choosing not to do right now?

How many times have you been married, btw? How many times do you want to be?

I can't imagine my own personal recovery which left intact my permission to DJ others and myself. I would have been looking at ways to undo the separation agreement, so I aligned to my goal; ways to stay transparent and report to my DH and let go his response/non-response. I would be doing the acts which aligned to my new code instead of my old dance of manipulation. And I wouldn't take my eyes off my deepest desire, redemption.

LA

I don't understand your phrasing here...

My family didn't know about the A until after the A. They were staying out of my marriage. They saw how unhappy I was and didn't know how to approach me on that. If they asked if everything was ok, I'd say yes. so thats how far it went.

I suppose I can be stubborn both pos and neg. I did ignore him when I first left, but I was in a cloud/fog whatever at that time. After I told him of the A he shut me out( understandably) and then wanted to work on things. And now doesn/t



Well yes of course I was,I was a wreck. I'm talking about not being happy in a marriage.


This is my first marriage. I have always thought I'd be married to the same person forever. How many people go through life thinking " oh I think I'll get married 3 times in my life"...what kind of question is that???

All I'm saying is I'm tired right now. maybe tomorrow I'll feel different. But for right now, I'm venting. Frustrated.

My mistake...see, when I vented, I reinforced my DJs, which kept me in the same cycle, my wayward state of mind.

You're not doing that.

My first question was your thinking he's both ignoring you and trying to get a reaction out of you. So it's all about you...instead of him not connecting with you, period. There's a big difference and I'm okay if you don't want to see it.

Why did you choose to have an affair? That's the key question I keep going back to...because if you choose to think the same toughts, permit the same LBs, refuse to meet the same ENs in yourself and your partner, then you haven't changed the dance.

And the dance leads you back to further infidelity. Where you continue to betray yourself, even if you no longer have a spouse.

Listen to your vents...pick up where you still make your choices based on your feelings...instead of choosing your actions and your feelings follow. Your feelings follow your DJs...instead of tracing where your frustration is coming from in you (your chosen perception), you are choosing to not try right now because you FEEL frustrated.

How is that any different than where you were pre-A? Where's the new extraordinary boundary for you, to protect you from slipping into that same state of mind if you choose the same perception?

You can ask your family to be friends of your marriage ahead of good feelings with you. You can permit them to love you more deeply, act in honesty and have an intimate relationship with you...or continue to lie to them as you did before. Or you can just vent to them, which makes them feel disconnected, helpless and burdened, so why approach?

You'll see parallels in your marriage as with your FOO (family of origin) again and again...as long as you are you. There's payoffs and punishments involved...both are false.

Would you consider that having the goal of happiness in your marriage was a contributing factor to wrecking it?

Would you consider you frustrate yourself by believing two disparate things simultaneous...and by doing so, feeling frustrated and confused can result?

How about feeling powerless as a signal you're focusing where you have no power?

You suppose you can be stubborn both positively and negatively...you don't know. You don't own you act with resistance, to defend when you feel attacked...examine it so you share what you learn with your BH as you go, "I shut you out in my A, and now I feel shut out by you." "I ignored your happiness in pursuit of mine. Now I feel ignored in the same way."

"I tried to get a reaction from you, and now I feel like that's what you're doing to me."

"I see in you what I did."

About how many times you want to be married...it was an important question to really ask myself. Got to the root of my resentment, discontentment, loneliness and stress. See, like you, at my base, I only wanted to have one marriage. And when out of the fog, I saw my actions aligning with multiple marriages...replacing my problem (in fog--DH). Woke myself up with that question.

And found some hidden beliefs...contrary to my goal of one marriage..."if this doesn't work out" as if unseen forces could destroy my marriage. "He's not the right partner for me" and other such thoughts.

Or "Well, two marriages is understandable if you marry the wrong person the first time...three is out of the question." Words we may whisper to ourselves, not aloud.

LA