i was directed to this site by a friend of my MIL's.

My wife started a new job 5 weeks ago. She came home telling me about the guy at work that was flirting with her and everybody else. We talked about it and I thought everything was OK. She works 6pm-6am.

Two weeks ago she came home from work a couple hours late and said she took a friend home and all that. She went to bed for about an hour and then went to her moms house while I was out. She had went and talked to all her family and told them about how we had been arguing lately and all and they supported her. She cam home a while later and told me she wanted a divorce.

She then went to her moms and left the kids and I alone. With the rent due and no way to pay all of the bills the kids and I had to quickly move out and move in with my mother.

A few days later she admitted to me that she had been talking to people at work including this guy about our arguments(she always opens up way too much with people at work). The guy had been nice to her and told her to come by to talk. She did and said she wound up sleeping with him.

I did not talk to my inlaws much before now but have been talking to them a lot more and they realize she blew things out of proportion because of the affair. They are working with me to do whatever we can to heal our marriage but the WW is currently too caught up in the other guy to want to do anything. She tells me that he is not the real problem and tells me a lot of the things they go out and do together. Her family knows about this but she is telling me that they are going to keep the affair low for a while and let it all blow over with her family. She is so caught up with her job and this guy right now that she is hardly ever seeing the kids and all that. She tells me that she needs to be her own woman for a while and that we need to be best friends and maybe start dating and stuff in 6 months to a year. She wanted a legal seperation instead of a divorce.

She does not tell me the truth the majority of the time but she does confide some stuff to me and begs me not to tell her family. She calls me and txt messages me quite a bit and wants me to come over as much as I can when she is around. She keeps telling me she does not want to give me "false hope" and all that, blah blah blah.

Her family convinced her to see a marriage counselor with me "for the kids" and she says that is all because she does not want to be with me. Is this a bad idea?

The other man is married and they are very afraid I will tell his wife and get them both fired from their job. He keeps telling the WW that he will leave his wife some day but not right now because she would take everything. Her family and I see this guy for what he really is but she does not. He just wants her on the side for a bit.

I am stuck and really do not know what all to do. I want to expose the affair to the OM's wife and their work ASAP but the inlaws want to wait until we see what happens in counseling in two days. I am pretty sure that if completely exposed he would drop the WW pretty quick because the affair's downside would outweigh the upside for him.

Help

counseling while there is an on going affiar is absolutely pointless and fruiless.

the C rate of sucess in saving a M from infidelity is abmismal. C has about a 16 % sucess rate in this vs an 84 % failure rate. Don't waste your time and money!

O course not, she does not want to be outed for her extremely horrible acts that will destroy your M.


Expose immediately to OM'W, with no hesitation and expose to everyone in her family. Don't let their little secret escape the light of day. Affairs exist because of a secret second life behing your back. EXPOSE! this is your best ally to end this!!!

They should both be fired from their jobs. Count this as a blessing as NO Contact is the beginnning of the demise of the A.

Accept nothing less.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Counseling is cute but is a complete and total waste of time if you want to save your marriage. First off, counseling is for RECOVERY, you can't possibly recover if your W is having an affair. Secondly, most marriage counselors don't have the slightest idea HOW to save marriages, much less the dynamics of adultery. MC has the highest FAILURE RATE of any of the counseling disciplines at 84% FAILURE. Most are little more than DIVORCE FACILITATORS. I would not be surprised if the MC tries to get you to accept an "amicable divorce" instead of trying to save a perfectly salvagable marriage. That is usually what happens because they do not understand that your wife's state of mind is temporary and based entirely upon the intoxication of an affair.

If you want to save your marriage, you are much more likely to do so if you expose the affair to the OM's wife and to their employer. Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure is RUINOUS. This OM is not going to leave his wife and family for a cheap piece of fun, let me assure you. The OM will be forced to dump your W if his wife has any cojones at all.

Further, the fantasy aspect of their affair will be RUINED if you expose at work, because affairs are no fun when everyone is watching with disgust on their face. It is like bringing a crowd of ppl into the crack house to watch the crack heads. It is no fun to get high when others are watching.

Your children should be told about the affair. Kids can deal with the truth, they cannot deal with lies. They need to know that she is destroying their family so can have some fun.

What I am telling you is the most effective way of saving your marriage. This is how Dr Harley, a clinical psychologist with 35 years SUCCESSFUL experience, recommends saving your marriage.

You have a very potent weapon in your hands, Rusty; you just have to use it. My suggestion would be to deliver a letter to Human Resources and the OM's boss [I will post a template designed by one of our members, a corporate attorney] just after you have exposed to the OM's wife.

All hell will break loose, but your marriage can withstand some temporary anger, it can't survive an ongoing affair. And the longer you wait, the more entrenched this gets. Exposure is like CHEMOTHERAPY TO CANCER.

How do I find out how to contact the OM's wife? I have his cell phone number and that is it. How do I go about getting the information needed to expose this to her?

Also, is it better for me to expose it all or maybe a member of her own family?

As you have already discovered from the previous replies, exposure is the single most offensive weapon in a BS armoury. Don't waste your shot. Exposure is done in a controlled nuclear explosion form.

Read the first four posts at the top of this forum list. These will give insight and sensitivity as to methods of exposing.

Read them. Read them. Read them. Read them.

Do you know his name? Use one of the search sites such as intellius and use his cell phone number to look up his name. Does one of your wife's family members know his name?

It is best if you do the exposure to his wife. That way, you can ask her for her help to break up the affair. Also, you control the information she is receiving and you can insure its accuracy. The two of you can work together to keep track of the two waywards. You and your WW have very little to lose financially since she has been in this job for a short while. Usually it is best to expose to the OM's wife, to the job, to relatives in one fell swoop so that you maximize the storm of reality. You also get all of her anger all at once. Stay calm and read the info at the top of this forum.

Most of the information that her family gets is from me. Her brother has cut her off completely, her dad is giving her the cold shoulder, and her mom is giving her a temporary place to live and telling her it all needs to stop.

One thing making this hard is that his cell phones are from IN and he is living here in TN. I know his first name but not his last. I will do the reverse cell phone lookup ASAP.

Expose them both at work. Since they have had an affair, they can't ever work together again anyway.

You have to expose at work and the OMW. Counseling never works when a spouse is in contact with the OM. Waste of time and money.

I am going to try to find out where he lives, their phone number or something. Telling the OMW should be in person, phone call or???

I will be stopping by their workplace tomorrow to talk to HR.


What kind of reprisals should I expect? I know that this has to completely drain her love bank and all. When they are forced to stop seeing each other, and she is done with her withdrawals, is that when she will want to start talking to me or what?

Once you've completed exposure to ALL the people in your and your now WW's concentric circle, expect the wrath of he77 from her for the first few days. You will see her as mad as you've EVER seen her. This is typical. Endure the wrath with a calm and collected spirit. Tell her you are taking the necessary steps to save your marriage, and exposure is only one of them.

Other steps include making improvement in yourself and what you bring/brought to the marriage. Think of those things your W has implored you to improve, and set about with resolve to improve them. It's all about filling each others love banks.

What else to expect? Once her fury calms to a mere hurricane, do what you can to get her to go "no contact" with the OM. She will be the devil's bride for 6 or more weeks when she goes through withdrawal. You see, affairs are no different than addictions, and once the drug (the OM) is taken away, she will have to withdraw. Expect very little from her during this time frame. She'll live like a lifeless shell. She will respond to very little so give her some space, yet be kind and compassionate to her.

Try to schedule a phone session with the Harley's towards the end of her withdrawal period. She'll not be receptive before withdrawal is complete. The Harley's can then get you set up with a plan to recover your marriage.

Good luck!
sd

Just except her to be furious that you interfered with her affair for a few days, but it will die down soon enough. Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it can't survive an affair.

You can expose to the OMW however you see fit. A phone call is perfectly sufficient, but I would suggest giving her your phone # and encouraging her to stay in touch. She can be a great ally against the affair.

Thanks for the great advice. WW came by to see the kids today and upset that the OMW came home and almost caught them. Then she was telling me about how she needed to tell him to leave his wife already.

She gets pretty nervous that I might tell his wife lol. She said that this is his second marriage and that the current wife has already caught him in 2 affairs.

Should I tell her I told the OMW or their work? She thinks somebody at work right now has it out for her already because she had money stolen from her purse last night.

Telling her work tomorrow afternoon and let them take care of that part. It is a Christian place so they may look pretty hard on it.

As soon as I can figure out how to contact the OMW, she is next.

Rusty, she will find out soon enough that you exposed. If she doesn't find out afterwards, you will need to tell her. just don't make the mistake of forewarning her.

You must expose to the OMW. That is the KEY exposure.

I let her work know today. They are going to start investigating it.

It is being a real PITA to find the OM's W. His cell phone and all are from out of state and I can't find anything on him here. Looks like he has most of his stuff probably in the wife's name. Maybe I can find out who she is so that I can contact her.

Rusty,

If all else fails, have a friend or hire a PI to follow him home and get his address. Shouldn't cost much for the PI to tail one afternoon.

Then you can do a white pages address reverse lookup.

Good Luck.

Beam

Planning on following him home this weekend if we can.

hurry. i need a good website to find someones at&t cellphone # as quickly as possible.