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Rusty,
* No boundries in your marriage-This was my fault and hers. Whenever I tried to enforce boundaries, her family would say that I was controlling. They are quite the handful. If you read LB's, you will see where Dr. Harley suggests that separation from controlling or manipulating family or friends needs to take place. Outsiders, even if they are family, have no place in a marriage. A marriage is made of two, not many. I agree. Her main issue in life is that she craves her father's attention because of feelings of abandonment she has. Lots of things went on and she feels like she can't trust anybody pretty much.
* No "NC" agreement in force-Working on this. Her mom, me, some of her friends and our therapist all have this as a goal. The marriage therapists no 1 goal right now is to end the affair, and enforce NC, then start to actually work on our problems. He seems really awesome because he is actually working to fix this stuff first. Not to knock your MC, but they really don't have a high success rate. We have gone through several. MB's seems to be the only thing that has helped. Just printed off the letter and will be mailing it first thing in the AM.
* A wife that continues to work with her lover- Working on this. When I called and talked to the administrator of her work, they told me that unless it was going on in the workplace, then they couldnt do anything but keep their eyes open for inappropriateness in the workplace. A rumor was somehow started last night about that very thing at her work. SHe has to drive out of her way to get to this job from where we live and her mother and I are working her to quit. The problem is that it is the only job she has ever had that she enjoys, dont take me wrong...I know I must get her out of it and I will get her out of it. It just may take a week or two. I have been working doubly hard to make sure that until that time gets here, they are not actually working on the same days. If she never is there when he is, then it will work out.Right?
WRONG! You can't guarantee that they will never see each other. She has to quit NOW! No matter how much she LIKES her job, it shouldn't come before the marriage. I have printed the letter and am mailing it off. She is getting pressure from me and a few others to quit because she drives so far and takes a lot of time away from her kids. If we cant make her quit, I will work as hard as I can to get her fired.
* A husband that enables wife to continue affair (read NC, quit job)-I am working as hard as I can on this. Not easy, and deffinietly not able to talk her into these things of her own free will. So I have to get it all enforced in every way I canHave you heard of Plan A and B? Sounds like you should consider a Plan B I am doing plan A right now and being great to her. Trying to do my best to not have any LB between us, but I know that right now I cannot meet her emotional needs. I have a date already picked out in a couple of weeks to switch to plan B if this doesnt work.
* Worthless in-laws that enable wife to continue affair-Thank you. Her mother, step father and brother are the only ones on my side. The rest hate me so bad that they are doing this not because they love her, but because they hate me. It is because I do not put up with their c#*p.Are they the ones that live so far away?.....sorry I forget. Yes. Her father is the one she strives to get his attention and approval. The type of MC we are going to is addressing that and all too. IDK, but a couple of her relatives are paying for it so, I am going.
* Her job that apparently approves of adultery-Her step father has decided that if something doesnt happen really soon, he is going to take matters into his own hands concerning this. I have done all I know to do there. Maybe OMW can also put pressure on them to do something. His last affair she caught him in was a coworker there too.Well, they might not be "doing" anything on company time, but the exposed affair is now causing rumors. That sounds unproductive to me. But since they aren't going to do anything about it, that is where you step in....remember, she HAS TO QUIT no matter how much she likes her job. Since she is displaying the very symptoms it lists on this site, I am not the one she will listen to on this. I am turning up the heat on her job and the family members that are helping me to either get her fired or quit.
If I sounded harsh, I don't mean to be. But you have got to "go or get off the pot" so to speak. If you let this drag out, waiting for this, checking if that works, you will only be postponing the inevitable.
Good Luck!
Beam
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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Rusty,
Yes there is a lot else you need to be doing.
You stated that your W told you what she was doing from the beginning and only confided in you. but, you also said that she had been confiding to everyone at work her problems in your marriage, and you stated she often confided in anyone/everyone about personal things.
YOu have allowed OM'W to swing in the breeze and did nothing to protect her. You have not protected your family, your children, or yourself. Do you know what I am talking about?? Of course you don't
STD's are rampant, OM has had mulitple affairs, you have allowed OM's W to be further exposed because she didn't know, and then you believe a KNOWN LIAR, your W. You have also not gone and gotten checked for STD's have you? Which means you have no idea if you have something lethal or not.
Your lack of response other than to wring your hands is appalling. Your lack of boundaries. Your willingness to put up with nutty things is amazing. You should NEVER be friends with a known liar, a known cheater, and someone who will willingly risk your health, and you did just that.
Please read the articles on this site. Please quit being a wimp. Please protect your children. Please decide if have morals and if so what they are. Please start to act on those morals if you have them. If you don't do these things, your marriage is over for sure or it will look a lot like it looks right now, you standing there, your W off having another fling.
God Bless,
JL
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I appologise. I thought a phone call would work just as well. I guess not. I have copy/pasted the letter on the first page and printed it off. I will be mailing it in the AM.
Anything else I need to be doing? Did you address it to the HR director and cc their respective bosses and a KEY company VP? Fromwhat she has told me of her direct supervisor, I dont think that one would matter much. I am sending one to HR and trying to find a key person to send it to farther up the chain. The problem is that their website doesnt really give any information other than a mailing address, so I will have to look up the info elseware. It is a non-profit Christian place, so I thought they would really want to do something about it.
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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Rusty,
Yes there is a lot else you need to be doing.
You stated that your W told you what she was doing from the beginning and only confided in you. but, you also said that she had been confiding to everyone at work her problems in your marriage, and you stated she often confided in anyone/everyone about personal things. Yes. She would talk to me about everything except the things that concerned me, it seems. She left when the affair started.
YOu have allowed OM'W to swing in the breeze and did nothing to protect her. You have not protected your family, your children, or yourself. Do you know what I am talking about?? Of course you don't
STD's are rampant, OM has had mulitple affairs, you have allowed OM's W to be further exposed because she didn't know, and then you believe a KNOWN LIAR, your W. You have also not gone and gotten checked for STD's have you? Which means you have no idea if you have something lethal or not. I Just was able to find out OMW name, their address, etc..about 2 days ago and have finally been able to contact her and she responded today. These people have moved all around the country, have their phones from out of state and it has been very hard to find out much about them. All the W would ever tell me is his first name. The wife left and moved in with her mother the day the sexual part of the affair started. Things started going down hill really bad for us the week before, which is when the emotional part of the affair started. Then she slept with him and left. I have not touched her since she started this job because of the way her schedule ran and all.
Your lack of response other than to wring your hands is appalling. Your lack of boundaries. Your willingness to put up with nutty things is amazing. You should NEVER be friends with a known liar, a known cheater, and someone who will willingly risk your health, and you did just that. See above.
Please read the articles on this site. Please quit being a wimp. Please protect your children. Please decide if have morals and if so what they are. Please start to act on those morals if you have them. If you don't do these things, your marriage is over for sure or it will look a lot like it looks right now, you standing there, your W off having another fling.
God Bless,
JL Thats exactly what I am trying to do. The wife was the main breadwinner for the family. I own my own business and stay at home with the kids. Along with having a 7 and 2 year old constantly on me, the stress of the whole situation has made me try to do everything the way I should have but I do mess some stuff up. I also only found this website about a week ago. Some of the advice I had gotten in the beginning contradicted what I have learned here and I am having to fix those mistakes also.
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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I appologise. I thought a phone call would work just as well. I guess not. I have copy/pasted the letter on the first page and printed it off. I will be mailing it in the AM.
Anything else I need to be doing? Did you address it to the HR director and cc their respective bosses and a KEY company VP? Fromwhat she has told me of her direct supervisor, I dont think that one would matter much. I am sending one to HR and trying to find a key person to send it to farther up the chain. The problem is that their website doesnt really give any information other than a mailing address, so I will have to look up the info elseware. It is a non-profit Christian place, so I thought they would really want to do something about it. Believe me, it WILL MATTER. It will embarrass the affairees and make it harder for them to carry on their affair. Since it is a Christian non-profit, you would want to also send a copy [via email] to an authority that is off site, such as a Region VP in their region office. You have them by the balls and can them much embarrassment if they don't take action. Do you know who the OM's boss is?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Rusty,
My biggest regret today, in a marriage several years recovered from affairs, is that I didn't expose.
It enabled the affair to go on far longer than it would have/should have, and I received no help from family and friends in getting her to abandon the OM and return to the marriage.
Still her immediate family doesn't know and that still bothers me to this day. My W's OM was divorced, so any exposure I would have made to OMW was impossible.
My advice... Expose to anyone you believe to be a friend of your marriage and/or a foe to the adultery in which your W engages.
BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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The letter was sent and the wife told yesterday. NC that we know of today.
For this withdrawal stuff, what should be expected and all that?
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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Rusty, they still work together, don't they?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Until they are fired, hopefully. She works opposite days from him. They never work at the same time. Same shift, different days and they just cut out all OT. Since they work the same shift, different day, they dont even see each other in passing.
I know it's not as good as them both being fired, but until the place does that then I can do no more. Or can I? I cant get her to quit, she says no.
She is staying with her mom and has the kids on the days she is off so I know where she is all the time.
What else do I need to know?
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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Rusty, so you have told the OMW? Did you tell her yourself?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes. I told her. She was hesitant to talk to me at first, but then I was able to talk to her and tell her. I told her all I knew to tell her and she immediatly talked to him. He tried to smooth things over with her but wasnt quite able to close the deal. I will have to keep her updated if I hear anything on my end and she is supposed to do the same.
It was really weird and I didnt know what to expect and still dont know what to expect from here on out.
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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good job, Rusty! you can expect your wife to blow up and make threats, etc. But don't let her upset you. Her anger will blow over quick enough. Just let her rant and say "I am sorry you are so upset, would you like a potato chip?"  Just expect an explosion and you won't be disappointed!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Brace yourself! This exposure may cause a blistering outburst from your WW the likes of which you've never seen. You will NOT believe some of the words that may come out of her mouth.
However, this too, shall pass. The general outrage will last for a few days, then she'll return to smug and sullen. Now is the time for NC to begin and be kept in place.
This is where the likeness to addiction to crack or heroin comes into play. She'll want her "fix" of the OM, regardless, because she is addicted to the feelings she has when they are together. Withdrawal will continue for at least 6 weeks, although with WW it seems to take longer (than for men). During this time, you should know exactly what her needs are, and do your best to meet them.
At some point you'll want her to come clean and tell you the whole truth, but there is little chance for that during withdrawal. Be very vigilant and do all you can to see that NC stays in place. This is why the OM's W is helpful, if not critical to the process.
Do not trust your WW. She will lie, cheat, steal, and do whatever it takes to "get closure", which really means "continue contact". Even if the fog has cleared some, she will be driven by pangs to see the OM, or hear his voice. Do your best to keep her in your sight at all times.
This is where the real work begins, so rest when you can.
Great job on the exposure!!!
BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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This is where the likeness to addiction to crack or heroin comes into play. She'll want her "fix" of the OM, regardless, because she is addicted to the feelings she has when they are together. Withdrawal will continue for at least 6 weeks, although with WW it seems to take longer (than for men). During this time, you should know exactly what her needs are, and do your best to meet them.-6 weeks? Oh god. That is a long time. lol. But during withdrawal, am I not supposed to do that? I mean, I thought I was only suppossed to avoid LB, not try to meet her needs.
At some point you'll want her to come clean and tell you the whole truth, but there is little chance for that during withdrawal. Be very vigilant and do all you can to see that NC stays in place. This is why the OM's W is helpful, if not critical to the process.
Do not trust your WW. She will lie, cheat, steal, and do whatever it takes to "get closure", which really means "continue contact". Even if the fog has cleared some, she will be driven by pangs to see the OM, or hear his voice. Do your best to keep her in your sight at all times.-Thats not all that hard, yet at the same time kinda hard since she isnt living with me. She has the kids about half the time and at least that way I can keep track of her.
This is where the real work begins, so rest when you can.-This line is scaring me a little bit.
Great job on the exposure!!! What kind of odds does this really have? I am working my but off here and putting up with a lot of hurt from her. I just want to make sure that it is not all in vain. While I am working on myself, that is including our life together. The kids know and that really hurt her but she doesnt seem to care. She told me the other night that she knows what she is doing is wrong but that she can't stop. It seems everything I do pisses her off. I think that next week when she runs out of money, I mysteriously will not have any for her to go to work. Should have done that to her last week. Stupid, I know.
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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This is where I recommend you stay lovingly detached from your WW's chaos.
Try to fill her needs, without expecting one thing in return (yeah, it's totally unfair, but part of the Plan), do NOT allow her to draw you into arguments (which she'll go out of her way to do) and remain available to her for any conversation she may initiate about moving forward in a positive manner.
Yes, it's a tall order! Yes, you can do it! Many of us have. And succeeded. Stand tall, be proud of your progress so far, and set your resolve for plowing through withdrawal and into recovery.
By you being in charge of your own emotions, you have some control over the circumstances, even though it doesn't always feel like it. To become completely reactive to your WW's chaos leaves you zero control. Think about it!
BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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Yeah. When she found out I told OMW, she immediatley called up and said we are getting a divorce. Maybe this will only last a day or two.
When you tell OMW, is it natural that you feel really sorry for her? I know I did. I kept appologising to her. He had demonised her to my W but she was not at all like that. But I guess you couldnt really say that your W is a nice girl, etc... and expect to have an affair.
Thanks for all the advice so far guys. You are really coming through for me.
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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When you tell OMW, is it natural that you feel really sorry for her? I know I did. I kept appologising to her. Rusty, you are doing all the hard work and doing a great job! Yes, it is very normal to feel sorry for the other BS. It is HEARTBREAKING to deliver such terrible news. Have you exposed at work?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes I did. SHould receive my recipt any day now I would guess.
I met the OMW last night and presented her with hard evidence. Even though I had exposed a couple days before to her, he really was working her over on the them just being friends angle. Whenever she looked at their phone records yesterday at my suggestion, she wanted to meet FTF. It was gut wrenching. I felt so sorry for her, but I also felt bad about feeling like I was betraying my WW. But I knew it was best on both accounts.
I had no control over WW to make her quit the job and all since she moved out and didnt want to be with me. OMW, however, said she was going to make him quit his job if they didnt get fired for this. He is trying to stay with her so it may all work out even if they dont get fired.
Is it normal for WW to always say things like they just dont see us getting back together, blah blah blah. But when you do something that makes them mad they say "I really thought I would love you again and now you have blown it"? I have "blown it" at least 5 times in the past 3 weeks.
Thanks for all of the help so far melodylane
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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Is it normal for WW to always say things like they just dont see us getting back together, blah blah blah... Perfectly normal. It's a way of blaming you for how they're feeling, and shift the blame from their poor choices.
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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Is it normal for WW to always say things like they just dont see us getting back together, blah blah blah. But when you do something that makes them mad they say "I really thought I would love you again and now you have blown it"? I have "blown it" at least 5 times in the past 3 weeks. It is TEXT BOOK CLASSIC. I cannot count the times we have heard those VERY LINES. Just envision taking the crack pipe away from the crack head and you will GET IT. Don't let it worry you one bit. She is high on her affair and once you remove her drug, she will regain her sanity. Great job on backing up your exposure to the OMW!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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