Thanks again for the editing, RTW -- very helpful. I gave him the letter when he picked up the kids tonight and I emailed a protected version to OW with a note similar to what is in SAA. I did add a little dig about her being with her family at T-day, when my kids have to go without their dad for the first time ever.
We'll see how is goes. I'm torn, but I know this is the right thing. The anxiety and irratibility I feel right before he comes to get the kids because he just walks in like everything is normal makes me want to scream! At least, no matter what the outcome, I won't have to deal with the pretense anymore.
I'll keep everyone posted.
I have cleaning planned for tomorrow; T-day with my family; night out on the town Friday and volunteering Saturday at a community event. Hopefully that will be enough to keep my mind busy!!!
BF439
Me: 38
WH: 40
Kids: 12, 11, 4
D-day: 6/30/08 and again 10/25/08
Today is first day of Plan B; looking forward to a little peace and self-care...

bf,

All you can do is all you can do, you know? Please do your best to enjoy the holiday, and know that no matter what happens next, you will be okay. HE is the loser here if he doesn't wake up.

Faith. Patience and faith.

God bless,

Right Here Waiting

Ok, here are some of my fears that came up last night as I lay in bed:
He won't care that I have cut contact with him.
He will try to split up my kids -- take one to live with him.
That he'll file for D and custody.
That he'll completely ignore the letter and its boundaries and there will be a big LB-ing fight.
I think the one that scares me the most is the first one. His coldness and indifference in this process has hurt the most. But, I guess the point is, it doesn't matter where he is, it matters where I am and how am I going to take care of myself.
I thought it might be time to take advantage of this "infidelity diet" weight loss to now tone up, so I don't keep looking like a skeleton! I think I'm going to try to start running again -- I'll to out for at least one run this long weekend and I'll let folks know how it goes.
I used to love running and I do miss it!
BF439

bf,

Whoa, lady! Don't climb onto that catastrophe train! Not where you want to go. The roller coaster sometimes goes there, but none of it is REAL! It is all your imagining at the moment, isn't it? ISN'T IT?

OK, OK, at the moment, he probably DOESN'T care that you have cut off all contact. In fact, it WILL free him to engage with OW much more easily than before. But this isn't all bad! You've known he's been boinking her--so what if it continues a while longer? You've already borne the worst of that. It won't be UNTIL he doesn't have YOU and all you offer that he could possibly begin to see who is the better choice here.

He doesn't WANT your kids living with him, one of them or all of them! Don't you see they would interrupt the fantasy if they were with him 24/7? Freedom from ALL his responsibilities is his ideal world right now. Guilt is keeping him connected to them at the moment, and he will no doubt continue to see them, even after you've gone dark.

If by some weird chance he DOES file for D, you can stall that as long as you like. I've seen folks on these boards do it. And CUSTODY??? Anything he'd say about that would be threats to keep you in line. Do not succumb to them. You are showing STRENGTH in calling your own shots right now and that will make him nervous. And what makes you think OW would like that set-up anyway? And right now, he's listening more to her than to anyone else. Besides, you know your 12-year-old would kick and scream bloody murder at the mere suggestion. Not a realistic fear, hon.

IF he ignores the boundaries, we'll deal with it then. That's why you have an intermediary. Change the house locks if you really believe he'd show up despite your firm request not to. Cheap insurance!

Yes, run. Run long. And do it again tomorrow. You've got to get some endorphins going up there to counteract all your "worst case" imaginings. I assure you, if ANY of those things happen, we'll be here to help you through it. And don't forget, Steve Harley is waiting in the wings...

I wish you peace today, bf.

Right Here Waiting

OK, RTW, you totally talked me back from the abyss! I am not only an impatient person, but I am an anxious one at that! I know I need to just give all of this time, and especially give myself time. I am really only 1 month from full disclosure and I know that everything is still Raw, Raw, Raw for me!
Today, cleaning house, which includes getting more of his stuff out of the basement. That caused some tears, but having a clean house -- priceless.
I'll post later today -- going to take the youngest out when WH stops by to pick up the rest of his stuff and DS11.
Must just take care of self and kids and enjoy what I have, because I have a lot in this world!
And, yes, locks are already changed...
BF439

See, girl? You are already a step ahead. Locks have been changed. And I KNOW you didn't do that today.

Yes, of course you're still raw. One month past d-day. You have been doing phenomenally well, and I assure you, much better than I did at that point. I'm sure you've read the "it's not a sprint, it's a marathon" reminders on these forums. Repeat that to yourself often.

I understand impatience. And anxiety. The first one, you talk yourself down from, by ACTING patient even when you're not feeling it. The second? I suggest a round of Xanax or something similar. I was always leery of such things, but admit it did me a world of good during those early months. Helped me think more clearly, stopped my pounding heart, and even helped me sleep properly...once I got the dose right. First time, the .5mg doc prescribed put me out for 12 hours straight! Good night, nurse! Quickly learned to cut those little suckers in half.

Jogging and housecleaing will help, but be proactive in seeking medical attention too. It's part of taking care of you. Forget the clean house, it's YOU who is "priceless."

Blessings.

RHW

Hope you are doing okay. This is hard stuff. Hang in there.

thanks, RTW and believer! I'm doing ok and I keep trying to think "marathon" not a 5k! It's hard tonight- no contact with WH, but DS11 is spending the night. I don't want my kids split up and I don't think they will, but see how my anxieties get fed?!
I will focus this week on rest and fun and not put thought into him and his "fog" or whatever he's thinking about. I reread one of his and hers "sex-emails" and it totally got to me- until I started to think about how adolescent it sounded. I mean, really, is it true love if someone can talk sex-talk via email? Or is it when u love them and care for them through surgeries, loss and all those other frailties we go through?
Watching silly romantic movie-which I couldn't even do two months ago, so I guess that's a good sign!
BF439

You know the answer. This isn't love - it is like a drug addict getting their fix.

My ex "fell in love" with his soulmate 2 weeks after meeting her.

We had been together 17 years, raised 8 kids together, went through deaths, finanacial problems, and sickness together.

But they were in lurve and he tossed it all.

Most men don't, so you should have a lot of hope.

bf,

You can watch romantic movies already? I couldn't even listen to the radio for MONTHS after I learned what my WH was doing. Love songs absolutely destroyed me--and I had no trouble crying with the radio off...

Hear me on this: Your kids will NOT be split up, unless you agree to it. Doesn't happen. Come on, when have you heard of that happening with young children? Do NOT let your fears take over! This is hard enough without that. I remind you, as long as he is wayward, he will not WANT them 24/7, and most likely OW won't either. There's enough on your plate to deal with without worrying about things that haven't happened yet, and probably won't. Conserve your strength! Spend it wisely.

And stop reading those %$^! "sex-mails!" What possible benefit could come from torturing yourself with those particulars? You've got the basics: he's involved with another woman. That's enough. Hunting down details will only drain off the energy you need for Plan A, Plan B, and recovery when it comes. In the meantime, you can't afford the assault on your immune system--your kids need you! Stop that stuff right now!

YOU understand "true love," but there's no point thinking about all the ways your WH doesn't at the moment. There will be time for him to understand it later. Remember, almost every single affair ENDS. No one can tell you when, but they DO end at some point. (And VERY few end in marriage.) By the time he's ready to come back to you, you are supposed to be so fabulous, so self-aware, so gloriously the best you that you can be that you will be glad you focused on what you CAN do, not what he's doing that you cannot control.

There will be much work to do then, but you can't do tomorrow until you do today. Work on TODAY.

Hugs,

RHW

Thanks, everyone! Your support is so helpful! I have had a lovely day with my kids and my family and have already eaten a ton and had my nap!
I'm looking forward to a great bath and some fun movies with the kids tonight.
I know this may sound bitter, but I hope WH is having a sh!tty day. Probably someone felt sorry for such a "nice guy" alone on T-day and fed him. I hope not -- I hope it was frozen pizza, and not the good kind!
BF439

Just checking in. Its a sunny day here in the midwest and I made it through my first holiday without WH. Read T2L's post and it struck me how little contact WH has with our kids, too. He doesn't call them; maybe a random text to DD12, but otherwise, no contact with them except for his "days." I don't understand that at all. Is he thinking he's respecting my time with them or just so self-involved that he doesn't even bother? I could not go a day without calling and checking in with each one!

One more conflict yet to go today -- he's supposed to pick up kids to go to MIL's this afternoon and DD12 is still saying she does not want to go. She feels like MIL is trying to make her feel guilty for not wanting to go. I'm torn. I want her to go to see family, but I understand that she doesn't want to spend 6 hours in the car with WH this weekend. Some of this is natural consequences to his actions -- she is mad at him for cheating and hurting me and does not respect him at all right now. He has tried to reinforce to her, especially, that his choice to leave has nothing to do with the affair (right... please refer to posts re: questions all WS ask themselves after the fog lifts...)but I think she's a little smarter than that. If not because of the affair, then why leave and still be with OW?

Otherwise all quiet in Plan B-land... I hear thats a good thing..
BF439

Me: BS 38
WH: 40
Kids: 12,11,4
D-day: 6/30/08 and again 10/25/08
In Plan B

You should encourage your kids to go spend time with their dad and MIL, but not force them too.

Your 12 year old is old enough to express her feelings and should not feel guilty.

She said this morning that she was going to go because WH told her that if she did not go she had to call MIL herself. Then she changed her mind and called him and said she did not want to go. Again, he told her that she would have to call her grandmother.
When I talked with her, I wanted to explore whether it was being away from friends or the situation. I said, if this were "normal times" she have to go regardless, because I would be going too and she couldn't stay home alone. She said that if I were going, she would want to go to begin with. I just don't know what to say to her except I am so sorry she has to go through this. Its times like this, fog or no fog, that I am so p!ssed at WH! So he could have teen sex with someone 10 years younger and recapture his single days (remember he's tried to cheat on OW and had multiple reponses to people on Craig's list)!! For this, my kids have to suffer????

Just beyond p!ssed at him right now!
BF439

I would encourage your daughter to call MIL and explain that she is still angry at dad for leaving his family for his girlfriend, and that she is in the process of coming to terms with this attack on her family and would be uncomfortable putting on a family show. Or something similar in her own words.

And you can teach her to be a broken record. If MIL discounts her feelings, she can tell MIL that is how she feels. If MIL says dad is not abandoning his family for the OW, she can repeat that is how it feels.

Can she be respectful and calm?

Thanks, believer! I had DD12 read your post and she said you were right on. She's going to think about how she wants to have this conversation with her grandma, but for now, I everyone sort of backed off re: making her go this weekend. WH sent her a TM about how sorry he is and how much he misses her and how he understands, especially how she wants to support mom (me). About vomited. Again, hollow words without any behavior or true remorse and to make her think she's got to support me! He's really making me mad these days! I told her I appreciated her support, but that I had grown-ups to help me, but that I understood her feelings. I let her know that I am upset with her dad's choices, as well. Then we went out and got here the iPod she wanted for her b-day. She earned more than half of it through babysitting and it was on sale today. Although, there was a part of me that was happy to do it since her dad was going to take her when he got back Sunday. I do hate that I'm here everyday, doing their laundry and helping with homework and he gets to take the to the bookstore and go shopping. I was good, tho, I had her check with her dad ahead of time so they could do something else on Sunday.

Anyway, I am totally feeling like I am digressing...
Had a great night out with girlfriends (dinner and a comedy club) -- it was so nice to laugh!!!
But by the time I pulled in the driveway, I was all upset as I thought about WH and other WS and their expectations that we "move on." Because, here's the thing -- he has already made that leap into another's arms. He can already see himself with someone else, so if it doesn't work out with OW; he can just be with another. Not only am I limited because I am still hopeful for my marriage and I believe in my vows, but, and this is the part I don't know if WS's get, his actions have completely ripped away my belief that I could even choose someone to be with. I thought I had chosen a nice, trustworthy guy. Someone who loved me. Guess what? I chose a selfish, self-absorbed a**hole, who had an affair and left his family! And he and his mom think I can just move on??!! Like I would trust myself enough after this trauma! And to have him leave and make no effort to heal this hurt makes the healing ten-times harder.
I will recover and I will move on, but I feel like I have a monumental task in front of me because I have to do it alone. The person I would have shared this pain with has left(and he doesn't get it because he did not have it happen to him) and few understand even what this is like.
It's just one of those things that was rattling around in my overworked brain that the other post on WS's jogged. I guess I can comprehend some of what might have been going on for my WH when he started the affair, not when he continued it -- even after D-day; but I don't think he will ever be able to grasp the pain I am in and what I struggle with every day. How could he? I can't believe that someone who said he loved me a few short months ago would ever do so much damage to my heart in such a short time if he understood it.
Ok, now, I'm going to breath, put the focus back on me, listen to Enya and rest ... Just had to spew some of that,
BF439

Hey fellow Plan B'er! I know how ya feel.

Just sending you

Thanks and right back at ya'!
Let's hear it for Plan B-ers!!!!
Its a brighter morning....it always is!
BF439

Glad your daughter understands. I learned the broken record in a class at work on dealing with conflict. It really works and keeps the conflict from escalating.

Good for your daughter for supporting you. But she is also resisting an attack on her family. And she has every right to do that. Too bad dad and MIL aren't setting a good example for her. But YOU are.

There's a little part of me that is jealous that Tully's WH is trying to contact her. My WH doesn't seem to even care and hasn't even contacted the intermediary either. Or should I just be thankful for the peace from the fog? I guess either way my story is mine and not every Plan B goes in a particular way...
Put up Christmas lights and put out some of the holiday decorations. Miss my two youngest who are with WH this weekend, but I was nice and busy.
I've got more winterizing to do tomorrow and then back to work for a few weeks before holiday break. If I just take out the WH-factor, life is pretty good, so I guess that is me being thankful even in the midst of my Plan B, BS-fog!
BestFriend439