Skald,



Good idea.

LC

Skald?

Wanna talk about this?





Do you know what the critical issue is during recovery?

Total radical honesty and accountability.

You're an addict Skald. An addict always lies.

"It was just a few times"

EVERY time you lie you lose her respect. YOU LOSE HER RESPECT !

You shoved a knife into your wife and you keep twisting it with every lie or half truth

You are an addict. Call the Harley's and get treatment. Call today. The number is in the link (above) where it says COACHING CENTER

You are going to lose Skald. She's slipping away with every lie you are killing off her love for you .... STOP LYING !

Skald,

I wanted to post this after I had a chance to read about your own story. But after reading some of your wife's thread I decided that now was a good time.

During the time I was a lying wayward, I moved out, abandoning my wife and children in the process. My wife had a choice when I asked for her forgiveness and asked to reconcile. Her choice was to forgive me and divorce, or forgive me and reconcile. I deserved nothing from her. My thoughtless actions deserved her wrath.

My wife chose to reconcile.

This list I am quoting from her, were her conditions for reconciliation;


My wife knew that WORLDLY/FLESHLY sorrow would ultimatly lead to the death of our marriage. She wanted to see GODLY SORROW that led to repentance and healing. A course of actions that left no room for doubt or regret.

I was willing to do whatever she needed to help her heal, afterall I was the SOLE cause of ALL her wounds.

Skald, I have been where you're at.

Now I ask YOU.....
What are you willing to do to help your wife and lead this recovery??

Skald,

By your own admission, what you did with your affair was "stupid." Can you see that continuing to follow your OW's life in ANY way is stupid too? Terribly hurtful to drgnfly as well, and NOT the sort of thing that will build trust. You do want her to trust you again, don't you?

You and drgnfly are just a short time out from your marriage being blown to smithereens. It is unrealistic to expect her to have moved on from that pain, especially when she SEES how YOU have not moved on yourself. See how difficult it is for YOU to completely erase this OW? How can she "get over it" when you won't FINISH it?

While we're starting over, let's start this whole No Contact thing over too,'K?

One day, one caring gesture at a time.

Right Here Waiting

tst,

Amazing woman, your wife. So many of us wish we had been as specific and thorough in our requirements. Would've saved us a lot of additional pain, or ended in divorce b/c our WS's would've refused to meet them.

You're amazing, too, for realizing that "just compensation" requires whatever she needed to heal.

Blessings on you both.

Right Here Waiting

Skald,

Every time you check out something to do with the OW you reset all the clocks back to zero.

Recovery clock goes to zero as does the withddrawal clock.

Even just looking her up for a second will give you enough of a fix to have to start from scratch.

If you don't have self-control at this point put parental blocks on your computer so you can't do that kind of stuff. I would imagine with all the technology out there this is something that can be done.

No doubt it probably made you feel like crap for being so weak and not being able to control yourself. Just imagine how it made Drgnfly feel to find out you did it. Here is something I learned in therapy. Anytime a thought about the OW pops in your head immediately imagine a stop sign and firmly say "stop" to your self, then start saying Drgnfly's name over and over again in your head. IOW, Replace the thoughts of OW with thoughts of your wife.

Use the energy you waste thinking about OW to help fix your marriage.

LC

Skald,

Where'd ya go?

Well, now we know ....

Skald - speak up - what are YOUR plans now?

PLEASE - don't disrespect your wife if she asks you to leave her alone - show some respect.

Okay now I do have something against you personally.

There are not enough TOS violations to describe you.

good one :RollieEyes:

Maybe drgnfly needs a facebook account?

I broke NC with the OW. I called her a few times (I think 4?)in the past week, and looked at her blocked Myspace page.

My intentions are the same they were two weeks ago, and last week. NC, and do whatever it takes to fix my marriage. But with more insight than before. More resolve. More tools? And hopefully with more help, if it's still available. I turned away from the help when it was offered, which is just one of my many mistakes/flaws. If drgnfly decides to rebuild, we'll need a lot of help, and I'll need help dealing with the withdrawal.

To drgnfly I confessed not only that I broke NC, but any other lie or half-truth that came to mind tonight. And any others that come to mind I'll confess as they do. Unfortunately going back to the start of my A, there are many. Hopefully at the end she'll still want to give me a second chance.


About me... (in a nutshell)

I had a "disfunctional" childhood. The usual stuff: abuse, alcoholics, drugs, cops, guns etc. etc. Some not so usual stuff. Summed up, my experiences made me a severely emotionally repressed person. And I learned to manipulate people at a young age. And lie. To myself as well as others. I learned to hide things to protect myself. Things got worse, not better, as I grew into a teenager.

Face to face I am very charismatic. Intelligent (usually), and more stubborn than most people can imagine.

None of these things made me do the things I've done (before and including my A.) Those bad choices were mine, and they WERE choices.

But if any of these things could stand in the way of, or become a focus of, drgnfly and I getting your aid, then I'll throw them out there.

Right now the ball is in her court. Where it will stay, if she gives me a chance.

B F D

So did I.

Grow up.

Ball in her court?

Not from my seat on the net.

Ball is in your court dude and you had better hit a winner.

Good point. What I meant by that is at the moment she's the one that gets to decide if I am even in the game.

PLEASE!!

ITA with Pio.

Dysfunctional childhood???

Please do not go down that dysfunctional path.

Are you into psychobabble? Next thing you know it will be your inner child.

Here's a thought - how about manning up and changing your BEHAVIOUR?

You are helping her make that decision. Breaking NC makes it an easy call.

So what are you going to do to assure her that you won't do it again?

Does she just "trust" you?

You've already taken that one off the table.

So what are you going to do? What's your plan?

I confessed that I made the phone calls.

I'm willing to do whatever she asks me to. And I'm open to any suggestions from the members here as well.

So far I'm writing a NC letter which will be sent tomorrow. I've opened my cell phone records to her, and gave her my cell phone. She already had my login information to any email addresses I have. I'm opening everything to her scrutiny.

I'm asking for help.

Interesting. There is a BS who used to post here and he had the same childhood. Probably worse than yours actually. It made him a very strong person who would never cheat. My father grew up as an orphan in a children's home. All it made him want to do was to better himself and have a normal family life. He put himself through Law School and was a wonderful, wonderful father. The best.

Gee, I had a wonderful happy and fulfilled family life and a blessed privileged childhood and I became a WS. I NEVER blame anyone but myself for becoming an FWS.

STOP blaming your past and accept the choices you've made. Sheesh.

You're intelligent and charismatic. Whoopee. I'm always called ingelligent and charming. Do you think I use those things to justify being a WS? Er, no, they have nothing to do with my FWS status. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Geez, Skald, do you even know what you sound like?

Apparently they will stand in the way of. My only reasoning (as I see it) for posting any of that was simply to show that I have a history of lying and manipulating people to protect myself. Cowardice, I know. And it needs to change, I know. But if I'm to open up (to drgnfly and anybody who offers assistance) I think it important for people to know that's who I've been. Call it an anti-manipulation technique. Perhaps its redundant and implied because I'm a WS.

I am well aware that the A was my choice and not a product of my history.

skald,

It would behoove you to LEAD this recovery...Not just sit there waiting for your wife to tell you what to do...What kind of man did you envision becoming when you were younger? I'm fairly certain that "adulterer" wasn't on your list [it wasn't on mine either, but alas]...So set about BEING the MAN you want to be...One with honor and integrity...A man who loves and cherishes his wife...A good father...Start doing things that you can be proud of and shout from the rooftops about...I would bet that one of your top emotional needs is admiration, so DO admirable things...

Remember that feelings follow actions...When you begin to do good, you will feel good...Put all the time, energy and effort that you put towards OW and the affair towards your wife and marriage...

Volunteer for things like a keylogger on your computer, a GPS on your car, a polygraph [you set all that up yourself]...Take steps to fix what you have so horribly messed up...YOU call and make an appointment with one of the Harleys...As I said, LEAD...and if you are a praying man, spend time on your knees with God and ask that He guide you through this...

Mrs. W