Cant,

Yes it's very difficult to maintain your composure when the feelings hit. But that is what you are going to have to do to recover.

At this stage of the game you have to be in control. You have to be the beacon showing her how life can be with you. You have to be a man that is attractive to her. Stop the LBs. And let's turn it around some. Be calm. It's a tall order, I know. But when you are calm you remain in control and you work your plan.

She sounds like she is still in contact, but that is something that you cannot control(unless you lock her in the basement). KWIM? You can only control you. So maintain whatever boundaries that you have. Continue to snoop, continue with the test and work on your 50% of the M that you contributed to prior to her A.

As others have stated she can go through withdrawal for months so expect it. When you talk about the A, do it calmly and then thank her for her honesty. Try to meet some of her top ENs. Stop the LBs. Understand that you can't control her, just you.

I'd also suggest watching your financial situation. Many WSs have drained their $$ reserves in the throws of an A. You should protect your assets.

There's 2 ways this will go.

If she is still in contact she will bring it further underground. You will eventually catch her again because you are going to VERIFY everything. She's not to be trusted at this point.

If she is in real NC then it will take several months for her to defog so you will need to start rebuilding a new M. Slowly. Your goal is a good M so keep that in mind as you rant and rave at her because R is more of the same. You will experience every emotion there is. You're going to have to work through them so you don't landblast her. It's unfair, but you will end up doing most of this on your own(even the best of FWS can't pull the pain from your heart). This is a marathon of the most painful kind. Expect this to be difficult.

I hope she passes the test with flying colors. Make sure you have your questions worded precisely (no misunderstandings).

Let us know how it goes.

BTW talking about the A is not an LB. Expressing your pain to her is not an LB. Telling her what you need to R is not an LB. It's all in HOW you do it.

Convey to her that for you to R you are going to need to have all your questions answered. That is part of the process. And the sooner you get the truth, the sooner you can move forward. Learning new truths 6 months from now will dump you back to DDay. You'd rather know it all NOW.

That is the approach I have taken and she insists that she has given me the truth and that I keep asking the same questions.

It is hard not to ask the same questions, because there is a lot of coincidental evidence pointing the other way.


I am sturggling with how to handle the times that she just wants to get away. She usually wants to go to the grocery store by herself or go shopping. She always goes where she says she is going, but it always seems strange.

Is it a LB to insist that she not go by herself?

Well... she no showed the poly test. Which is what I expected.

I guess that answers that.

I am no sure where this leaves me though.

I think you can assume it was a physical affair and that there is still contact. Start thinking about going to a dark Plan B. Get your letter ready and post it here.

Since she is out of the house, and needs "space", give it to her.

She is spending the day with her mom. Her mom leaves to go back to our hometown this afternoon and she says she will be back.

My wife is a stay at home mom. How do I handle Plan B is this instance. Her parents have an apartment in the town we live in because they visit so much. They have offered it to me, but do not want her to have use of it.

Is it wrong for me to move to the apartment in the Plan B?

No, you don't move out. SHE moves. She will need to get a job. See if her parents will let her use the apartment.

How old are the children?

The boys are 12, 9 and 3.

Within the last 2-3 weeks, she has started using pet names again and we finally had SF for the first time in months. Then the polygraph issue came up.

I believe she is waiting to make her move until after Christmas. The holidays are always big for her and she knows that if she gets a job, she will not be able to spend the two weeks with the boys.

Should I push Plan B before Christmas, or wait?

BTW, I had planned a trip with our closest friends to NYC for December 19-21.

I think I might continue with Plan A until at least then.

Thoughts??

If you can muster up some strength then you should plan A for a few weeks and in the meantime you take care of business. You start documenting everything; not emotions, just facts. If you have physical evidence of the A, protect it in a safe place. Document when the kids get to be with her and what you do with them. This is all just in case of the worst case scenario. Courts favor the mother even if she leaves for another man. As I mentioned before be watchful of your assets. Also because of her being a SAHM you might want to talk to a lawyer just to see what COULD be down the road. Better safe than sorry.

Plan A for a set time frame. Get yourself an intermediary. It should be someone who is supportive of your M, but who will not be blown over by her drama because there will be drama when/if you go to plan B. As Believer said write your plan B letter here so others can help you with it. Have it all ready so when your timeframe is up you have your plan in place.

Intermediary Info

I'm sorry that she didn't show up. That really tells you a lot. A polygraph is something that you should require of her if you ever get a commitment from her to R your M. You need to set the bar high.

Do not move out of your home! You need to stay and make your home as stable for the kids as possible.

You have a long haul ahead of you no matter what the end may be. Take care of yourself, get some sleep and eat well.

This may help.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Quick TJ - Michelle - could you check out the Fatal Attraction OW post on JFO?

Sure.

Thanks M.

I think I can muster the strength. I don't have anything else to do this year!


Should I wait to prove that NC has been broken before going into Plan B? What isf she really just needed a night away to attack recovery again?

She didn't just need a night away - she didn't want to take the polygraph. That would be my hill to die on.

Plan B doesn't require you to prove anything. It's for you. Plan B protects you from the harm your WW is causing you daily. It keeps you out of the drama and the constant pain. It helps you to distance yourself from her adultery and protect any love that you have left for her so there can be a chance of R. If you lose your love for her while she is abusing you with her A, then YOU won't want to R. It won't take long with her constant lies and the painful images to start to hate her. Plan B will bring you peace. But it must be a dark plan B and that takes planning.

Plan A allows her to see that the M can have a future. That you are open to work through this. You do a good plan A followed by a dark plan B. This will leave her with good memories of you and what could be. It'll give her a lot to think about when she no longer has any control or access to you.

You need to make the plan A real. It's not to be fake. Improve YOU during this time. Make changes to your behavior that have been a problem in the past. Don't beg or plead, Be strong. Show her a good man and a good father. Make the changes permanent. Show her some compassion if you can, it'll help to break through her fog.

Lots of work.

Her failing to show is enough reason to go directly to plan B. For some here it's enough reason to go to plan D. It's all about what you can handle. How long can you hold onto love for a woman who is deceiving you at every corner? Don't be an enabler and don't settle. Have a plan and execute it.

I knew that she was not going to go through. When she gets back to the house, I will mention again how much it mean't to me and she will say to set it up and that she will go this time.

I do believe that NC is in place. Anyway, I have a DVR in her car today, so I should have an answer this evening.

I feel that my plan A was working, she was coming around and then I threw out a serious AO over the poly. I want to believe that if I handled in a more calm manner, she would have gone. I know, I'm niave.

Anyway, I don't feel that I am at a point where I can no longer do this. I feel there is still some in the tank. I feel that I jump to Plan B immediately, that it would just be for the effect and I don't have everything in place yet.

I will say that she wanted to leave so that we would not not fight in front of the boys and when I made a point about her always leaving, she said she would stay. I indicated that it would be fine that I could handle it.

Now, I get the feeling that was a mistake.