Infidelity keeps rearing it's ugly head...

My FWH is currently dealing with two co-workers whose A was just exposed at work. FWH is their boss. Due to the nature of my H's job, these two people attend business dinners/functions where spouses are present on occassion. I have no desire to smile and be "nice" to either of them. I have told H that neither are welcome in our home and he agreed without question. Has anyone had to deal with APs in a work situation such as this? If so do you just stay clear should you cross paths at a work function? If either is ever remorseful, would that change your thinking one day or do you just write them off completely?

On the upside, watching FWH's reaction of having to deal with the blow out from this re-inforces to him what an ahole he was.

Considering the prevalence of adultery, we are probably surrounded by APs every time we leave the safety of our homes. I'm not going to assume everyone I meet is an adulterer, but if someone I know is, I'll avoid them as much as practically possible. I would still go to the work functions (why should I have to give something up for the sake of an adulterer?) but I wouldn't sit with those people. I would be straight with them as to why.

Your question to FWH should be what has he done to ensure the 2 APs are no longer working together?

I have no intention of sitting next to them or making small talk. If they come my way, it will be clear why I don't want to keep company with either of them. I was more concerned about the future. It's not like I have any insight into these people but if they were remorseful at some point do I still keep them at bay? I'm never going to be buds with either but wasn't sure if people ever let it go and resume the small talk during business functions a year from now, two years from now, ever????

The APs are no longer in the same department. He can't terminate either of them unless they disrupt the department or company with post-A drama. HR is already all over it, should it go there.

Call me a dummy, but I wanted to make sure:

The spouses of the APs know about the affair, right?

Just because it's exposed at work, doesn't necessarily mean it is at home.

If I was their boss, I'd wait until one of them was 1 minute late and fire them for being tardy.


"Tardy"

Yeah their spouses know and it's not pretty. If the BSs didn't know, yours truly would have been on the phone ASAP.

I'd go about my business as if they didn't exist. Ignore them completely.

The corporation I work for has a history of blatant and high level adultery. Two previous CEO’s have been fired for it, even. The interesting thing about adultery is it is such a low-life thing to do you can be sure such a lack of ethics carries over into other business areas. You don’t want these scums around you if you can at all help it.

So, I get rid of them. I transfer them out of my organization as fast as legally possible into menial positions where they tend to quit sooner than later. I don’t hire anyone who I know has ever committed adultery, and I don’t keep any around if I find out they are committing or have ever committed adultery.

I feel a lot better for it too.

And as far as the remorse you mention. Nah, it’s only remorse for the consequences upon themselves. No adulterer, F or no F, has ever experienced true remorse over what they did or the pain they caused others. And none ever will. If you think you see remorse, ignore it. It is as fake and as full of self-serving lies as their adultery. Do not ever believe an adulterer or a former adulterer in anything. Period.

Aphelion, unless you are GOD and can see into the hearts of every wayward, you cannot possibly know if this is true or not. I don't believe it is true simply because I am a former wayward minded person and can smell bullcrap a mile away. I KNOW when they are real.

Wayward cheaters are amatuer bullcrappers and are laughable when it comes to subterfuge. Most are halfwits in this department.

Could your attitude about this be related to your own situation? I know your WW was in a very long term affair. Most likely this is not an aberration of character for her, but a way of life. Because of that you tend to stereotype ALL waywards with your own experience is what I suspect...

I am very concerned about your cynicism, Aphelion, and wonder if there has been a resumption in your W's affair? I say this as your friend.

Does this apply to all sins and/or crimes or just adultery? I've seen genuine remorse in my FWH and can tell the difference . Don't know your story but I can understand why you are jaded in this view. If my FWH is remorseful, perhaps they will be one day if they aren't already. Maybe I will avoid them forever and that will be that but I was curious if there ever comes a time when people have let it go because their own FWS was given another chance by them and others. Yes, they are nothing to me compared to my spouse, but they are still human.

These are not the words of an emotionally healthy person. They're awash with cynicism, bitterness and a kind of hopelessness.

Aphelion, you really need to do something about your situation.

TA

I'm with Krazy on this one. I'd completely IGNORE them.

I'd say, "How's the wife and kids?" or "How's the husband and kids?", and then, "Oh, that's right, you're an adulterer. Forget I asked." Then walk away and ignore them.

Aphelion while I don't agree with you, I do respect your right to your opinion.

In addition, for those who decide to tell Aphelion he is 'bitter or cynical' you sound kinda like new waywards when they come here and get a 2x4 from the BS's. They tell us BS's how we are 'bitter and cynical' due to our pasts. When you start using the same words as waywards I think you're in poor company.

I'll have to consider that one.

Aphelion has a point, but painted with too broad a brush. I feel the same way on a bad day.

Unless your spouse came to you and confessed without any external pressure being applied, I'd say there will always be a lack of remorse. Not a total lack, but they would have little to no remorse had they not been busted, or if the affair had burned out on its own.

In other words, they are mostly sorry they were caught.

I also don't believe there is a single FWS who doesn't harbor some pleasant memories of the affair. I don't care what sort of teary-eyed, swear-on-the-kids pinky-swearing they do, there are fond memories there. Whether it's the sex, the thrill of the chase, whatever...any WS that claims there are no pleasant memories left in their head are full of it. Without exception.

No experience with an "F"WS but my guess is at best they feel remorseful about what they did to their families and loved ones. Coworkers and spouses of coworkers probably don't fall into that category. As a BS or FBS (why isn't that term ever used?), you are sensitized to the rampant path of distruction left by any WS, even one that isn't yours. But I'm sure they don't give a hoot about that, no matter how remorseful they are.

I would disagree. As a FWS, I care IMMENSELY about the damage caused by adultery. One of the reasons that I post here is to try and help others combat that particular evil. Mr. W and I have helped people with infidelity outside of this website as well...A true FWS is equally as sensitized to adultery as a BS is...My views on many moral issues have changed due to our experience with adultery, ie: premarital sex, abortion and obviously adultery itself...Once the scales have fallen from your eyes, you can't and don't want to put them back on...T.V. and movies aren't the same anymore, and I dream in MB terms even...

What many people seem to miss is that a TRUE FWS will feel about adultery just as a BS does (not meaning that they will hurt in the same way - just that they will hate it and be as disgusted by it)...They will HATE it with every fiber of their being, and of course they should. If they do not, then they are not really a FWS and would be an unwise person to recover with.

And Tabby, Mr. W does use the term "FBS", it is in his signature that way, as well as mine...

I do hate that Aphelion has been hurt and abused in such a way that he no longer believes that people can and do change...I pray that he is able to heal...

Mrs. W

You might be onto something... IF the BS threw a welcome back party when the WS came home and gave all the guests door prizes ... AND the WS didn't see any of the WS's pain or distress ... and there was no adverse consequences ... I don't think the WS would have any guilt at all..

???

I wouldn't expect them to give a hoot about someone else's betrayed spouse, when they rarely if ever care about the betrayed family of their own AP.

My point is that ultimately, most of them are only sorry they were caught. The pain of their family, the destruction they caused...yeah, they feel guilty about it.

But if they hadn't gotten busted, none of it would've happened.

Wow. Add me to the emotionally unhealthy people. I don't think a FWS EVER truly realizes the pain and damage they have caused. They may think they do, but they don't.

My ex is remorseful, but he will never understand how he tore my heart out, the thousands of sleepless nights.

My son is going through this now, and his fiance is "sorry". He is 24 and hasn't slept through the night for a month. He can't eat, cries a lot, and is completely heartbroken.