Well, I pulled the recorder out of her car last night and only got music. I think that I am going to have to find a better place to hide the thing. Also my W did not get home until around 6:30. She usually gets home around 5:15. She said that she had to go to Wal-Mart. She did bring something home from there, but that was an awful long trip seeing as how it is not far from our house. She came in and gave me a kiss, but I noticed that she did not text to much last night. She put her phone in her purse and watched tv, while I cooked, cleaned the kitchen, and did the laundry.

2long - When I confronted my wife with the forst OM at this same time in 2007 she was very remorseful. She asked me what I needed and the things I told her is she could not talk to him anymore, she needed to call him in front of me and tell him it was over, and she needed to find another job. She made a very small attempt to find another job. We together exposed everything to her parents, our pastor, and everyone we could think of. She told everyone that they had sent sex survey's back and forth, and some inappropriate talking and that was it. I have over 100 emails from my w that talk about how much of a mistake she made and how regretful she was. I had a hard time with it and kept talking about it a lot. She said I was hanging it over her head, but to me it was the fact that she was working around OM all day everday and that is what I had to face. It was like a slap in the face every day for me.

This new sitch is very different. No remorse, and my WW seems to be so engaged with this OM that there would be no way to stop this, or maybe even recover from it. I guess that is why I am struggling with this one so much. When I confronted her with this OM all she got really mad and said we are just friends and I can be friends with whoever I want, quit checking up on me, invading my privacy and stay out of my personal business. I replied with why hide it then if you are just friends, and I dm not invading your privacy just your secrecy. I know that there is more to it than that because I have seen some of the texts. that is why I have to get as much evidence as I can to blow this up completely. This sitch is very unique. It is hidden very well throught texts, and is very hard to un cover. What gets me the most is my WW will leave me notes that say I love you, leave me a voice mail at work each morning saying I will be thinking about you today, try to get in the shower with me a couple of mornings each week, and when she gets home in the evening come and give me a kiss, but then the rest of the night she is very distant and not engaged in the family or what is going on around her. Just generally going somewhere to text. We did counseling twice and she quit both times. This second time we did counseling the counselor used a lot of the mb principles, but my wife quit because he was telling us that we had to eliminate what type of conversations we had with friends of the opposite sex to reconnect. He was referring to her and the first OM. A week after she quit going is when I found out about OM2. What a coincedence huh! After I confronted her she changed all passwords and took it very far underground. Each day I uncover a little more, and I am very confident that I will get to the bottom of this soon.

I know you believe this HF. What I am trying to figure out is why you believe it to be true.

When I first got here I was in a fog of my own, convinced that no one had ever been where I was and had never experienced what I was feeling. My wife was telling me things that I just couldn't understand but for some reason I believed she was speaking the truth to me.

As I began to read here, not even beginning my own thread, just reading what other people were going through I suddenly realized that a LOT of guys had been and even were exactly where I was and that what I was going through wasn't only not very unique, it was in fact pretty much text-book.

Down the right side of the screen on this website is a flash presentation that runs continuously unless you stop Flash from running. One of the segments of this presentation is a list of things a WS might say. These include:
Too much has happened
I love you but I'm not in love with you
I need space
I just don't feel that way
I can't change my feelings

My wife said every one of these. She also said,
We're just friends
Nothing happened with (OM)
This isn't about (OM)
Why are you spying on me? I could never trust you after you've done that.

And 50 other things that hurt like hell and other folks around here have all heard before.

And it was exactly because I read all those things here that I knew that I was only unique in that I live in my house and have my own wife who was set on destruction of my marriage...

But EVERYTHING she did, said and even seemed to think was a perfect example of how all affairs are alike.

So when you say "But you don't know what it's like..."

You are dead wrong.

When you say "But this isn't like that."

You might want to read a whole bunch of threads from the early days of other folks visits here.

You will soon have hard evidence to prove that your wife is boinking OM. It won't be allowed in court because it will not be obtained through proper methods. It may or may not prove to OM's W that he is a doofus that is cheating on her. It might prove to your wife and OM that they are having an affair...Oh WAIT. THEY ALREADY KNOW THEY ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR!

You were advised to begin Plan A and try to show her that you could meet her ENs if she ended the affair and returned to work on the marriage.

You were told to expose the affair, not to let people know what was going on in your life and hers, but to get folks to stand against the affair. On this you have procrastinated to the extreme. You keep looking for that conclusive proof that this is happening, but while you look, your wife is getting closer to OM and farther from you because all she gets from you is talk about her affair while from him she gets comfort, compassion and understanding. You are in fact helping your wife fall in love with OM more deeply every day.

Exposure is not just to clue people in. It is designed to let people know the truth who might (not WILL, but MIGHT) be willing to stand against the affair. Even HER family might do that because is isn't about SIDES but about right and WRONG.

But by delaying for too long, you give the affair partners time. They have time to be together with no worries other than getting caught in the act, which for many is what it is all about. You give them time to concoct some sort of cover story in order to minimize what will eventually come out, that they are having an affair.

But they will have time to spin things so that they look like the good guys. Your wife has already told somebody that you are acting all crazy and jealous. She has already hinted that you have been having marital trouble "for a long time now." She is already telling people that she and OM are just friends and he is trying to help her through this crisis that is YOUR doing.

And in the mean time, a whole bunch of people have tried to get you to stop planning and start acting. You are so worried about this one battle that the fact that the enemy has taken over all but your HQ is lost to you. All you have left is what you can salvage right now. Start salvaging and stop planning a war that you can only survive and not really win.

To save your marriage not only do you have to convince your wife that you love her better than OM, you have to actually love her when you are all done. Every day the affair continues, your love for her dies. She is falling in love with OM and you will no longer care when this plays out unless you begin to act soon. Dr Harley suggests that most men can do a decent Plan A for about 6 months.

After that begins Plan B which is pretty much waiting for the affair to end on its own and for her to decide to look you up. The hope of Plan B is that by OM being there day-to-day and that he will not be able to meet her ENs like you were doing during Plan A that he will fall in stature with her and she will start to miss you and what you did for her. With a crummy Plan A the best you can hope for is that she will remember your name since OM is the one that is meeting her ENs while you argue with her about the affair she says isn't an affair and that you keep looking for proof that it is one.

You don't have to prove it to her, HF. She already knows. You already know. We already know. Time to tell people who might be able to help you stop it.

Mark

Thanks for the reply. That was a really good post. The one thing that I do not do is talk with her about the A if that is what it is. I do not bring it up at all. that is one of her big things me bringing up OM1 all the time, so I just do not say anythign about it. I confronted and did not talk about it again. Yes I have taken her phone from her, to try and see what she is saying to OM. And yes if I have the proof and there is never a chance for recovery it is admisable in court on the basis of filing for D because of infedility/adultery. In this state I can file on that basis with the proof.

But is that what you want? A divorce? If that's what you want, and you don't love your wife, then detaching emotionally and gathering more intelligence in preparation for filing might be the way 2 go.

But if you do still love your W and you do want 2 save your marriage, then Mark is right and you need 2 take some action. In this case, you don't need 2 spend so much time and effort proving the affair because you know there is one, and that's all that's important now.

And this is where calling the Harleys comes in. Plan A will seem pretty counterintuitive, so 2 do it right you need a clear understanding of how it's supposed 2 work.

Making the call and leaving a message is easy.

-ol' 2long

I am having trouble finding the number to call. Do you know where it is or what it is? Also do you knwo what the cost is to call?

Click on "Coaching Center" at the top of your screen.

They're currently $195/session. That may seem like a lot, but it's dirt cheap compared 2 the cost of divorce, 2th in terms of cash and the emotional drain on your family (particularly your daughters for the rest of their lives). They also specialize in infidelity, unlike most counselors, and so they're very efficient with your time.

-ol' 2long

That is pretty high $. The thing is I am just not sure this is a full blown affair. Is it emotional, probably. Has it gotten physical, I do not knwo because my W is at home every night. They would have to be leaving work during the day or doing it at work. As for leaving during the day, my wife is paid by te hour and her check has not reflected her leaving. I have posted everything that goes on each day. I am jsut not sure yet. She says they are just friends. Could that be the case and I am over reacting.

if you want to do plan A...which would mean you are competing with the OM for your wife...then by all means, call the Harley's.

IMHO though, Plan A is not a great idea for a BH. It seems to work better for BW's than husbands. The best results for BH's that I have seen on these boards is to expose and give your wife one chance to make her choice...you or him.

There are BH here that are IMHO, whipped and really get no respect from their wives...including those that have stopped their affairs.

You need to make the call as to how to handle this. But be prepared for a lot more of the same if you decide to not put your foot down now.

yeah, I got the same line of cr@p...and 60 bj's later their friendship was blooming.

You are not overreacting...you are UNDERREACTING.

Define "full blown".


This is a certainty. And EAs are as bad as PAs.


Probably. Remember, she's gotten clever since you found out about the last affair.


Then she's getting paid 2 have her affair. Her HR department might have something 2 say about that. Does this OM work there, 2?


And so how is that working for you? Posting what you're not sure is going on every day?


They all do. And she'll continue for a while even after the affair is over.


No, it could not. And no, you are not. Look for a book by Shirley Glass, called "NOT 'Just Friends'". I've not read it, but it comes highly recommended for dealing with emotional affairs and why NC is necessary for ending affairs.

-ol' 2long

medc - glad to see you back on my thread. Your comments help me a lot. I have a really good feeling that it is a line of crap about we are just firends. Something that is sticking in my head is two texts that i saw on Saturday from my wife to OM. "that is what i love about you", and "i love you to". I have female friends and I do not speak to them that way.

Full blown as in physical or emotional or both. If it has gotten physicla then why does she keep trying to have sex with me and try to get in the shower with me a couple of times a week. I just post the daily events that she does or does not do. Yes the other man works there. He is in maintenance and my w is the maintenance clerk. She handles time cards, vacations, etc.

trust me...it HAS gotten physical. VERY physical.

Accept that and act on it. You need no more proof to act.

I only popped in because I want to make sure that you have a balanced set of ideas here. 2Long is a good guy and can offer you some great advice on certain things. Personally, I would not turn to him in matters like this as IMHO, he is way too passive when it comes to dealing with WS or FWS.


Only you can decide how to handle this. Remaining passive will get you bad results IMHO. If you want another perspective...seek out Myrevelation for his input. While he and I do not always see eye to eye...he offers great advice to BH's.

How do I get myrevelation to chime in?

How can you be so sure it has gotten physical. She is at home all night every night. If it has it would have to be during the day, and I have had some of her panties tested. I just don't know when or where or the time for it to have gotten physical yet. Liek I said I will be out of town friday night with the kids, but only 40min away. And as the old saying goes whe the cat is away the mice will play. And beleive me the PI will be watching all night.

Some WSs actually get more sexual like that during their As. Remember, WSs are addicted to the feelings, so they may be trying to recreate the feeling they get with the OM when they engage the BS to do the same thing. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if she does the "shower thing" with the OM as well, when the opportunity arises, of course.

Nothing would surprise me at this point. This whole thing has me so angry. It is very hard not to say anything to her while I try and gather evidence, and when I do, I am going to blow this thing up like a bomb hit. Everyone is going to know. This OM is on the local school board I just found out and they will know as well. I will expose like this. Work, school, OMW, WW parents, my parents, and even my work because I do business at her place of work.

Well, thanks for the first part, at least.

hf: There's "passive" and then there's "agressive". Either extreme will not get you good results. But you'll have 2 make the determination, ultimately, where you fall in between the extremes.

-ol' 2long