Riiiiiiiiight, suuuuuuure, Ninja...

OK, so I heard through the threadvine that you had a date? Are you going to tell us about it?

Yep, went on my first date in close to two decades last week. After some prompting by my IC, I had gotten a little more serious about match.com, sending out a few emails. Guys still have to do the pursuing, which is a bit of a drag, but all of a sudden I wound up with two phone numbers.

My response was to panic, of course. I tried to let them know via email that I'm pretty rusty at this but wound up calling anyway. Left messages, and one of them responded via email sorry I missed the call and how about if we just meet for a drink, and what would be some good times. More panic (remember to breathe), then I told her some times--I think that was last Monday morning. What worked out was Tuesday. Serious panic.

But I had a great time. It was just supposed to be a drink, so that if it is Not Working, you can bolt quickly, but we talked for about two and a half hours. Great place, great company. We each had a good time. I joked about my nervousness, but it really went fine. She listened to my Story (she asked, and I tried not to club her with it). She said thoughtfully "hmm, you need to go on another date before we can go out again." I gathered that she had dated another infidelity-survivor post-divorce, got close, and then got hurt when he "freaked out because he didn't know what he wanted." She seemed to understand my situation as well or better than me ("You have to figure out who you are again and what you want. Rediscover yourself.")

She was totally cool with my inexperience and answered all my dating ettiquette questions graciously (I've gotten plenty of mileage over the years by playing stupid--or, rather, admitting my ignorance). Despite the rust, I'm pretty sure that I was a good date. I would like to see her again, and I'm pretty sure she would like to see me again. But I'm being cool about it, and I feel cool about it. I want to see some other people.

Along those lines, I connected by phone with the other woman who responded. I'm trying to set something up for Wednesday. We'll see how it goes.

It was really fun to be out with and meet another person. Exhiliarating. I walked away from it thinking "I want to do that again." For the Experts in the crowd, warnings, cautions, and advice are gratefully accepted. Help me spot the landmines.

I've been feeling really good for the past month or so. There's still some anger around, but it seems so much less urgent now. What little communication there has been with the SCQ is just business and hasn't bother me at all. I've even been a little chattier with her lately.

She's still a moron, of course. She seems to have the kids splitting time between her rented condo (close to me and where the kids go to school) and POSOM's house, which is maybe 20 miles away from here through bad traffic. Weekends, they all stay at his house, so, as if living in two different places weren't bad enough, she has them living in three. DS9 told me he has a room now at POSOM's house. The kids don't seem to know anything about long-term plans, not that I would have expected the SCQ to tell them anything. LilSis told me recently (I emailed her for dating advice) that her WxH married RT in a private ceremony without the kids. I hope my kids are that lucky. DS9 said he told the SCQ he doesn't want to attend that marriage.

It's not what I chose, but I'm trying to make the best of it.

Thanks for asking.

Wwell, it's nice to see you at this point. It gives the rest of us hope that it can come someday.

I'm glad that you had a good time, and glad that your date was so smart. She knows that it takes time after a D to truly get to the point of being totally open to another relationship. My only words of caution are take it slow. There's no rush. And just remember that if you find yourself "in love," please look outside of that bubble at reality and make sure the relationship can survive on the outside. Remember, you can not change a person.

I hope Lilsis is OK with the M of the APs. Whether we like to admit it or not, there are those that last. I know that she will end up the winner somehow....

My friend across the street recommends eHarmony.

Tourette's syndrome?

Chris:

SDGuy said:


And you said:

I would think it's something simpler:

INDIFFERENCE

LG

Ooh, ooh, let me help!

I can't expose because my wife would hate me forever I'd have broken her trust I love my wife so much.

Exposing would only make her leave make her mad make her take the kids make her unhappy.

Yup. I no longer *want* reconciliation the way I used to. I don't know what I would do if she wanted to come back; it's certainly not going to happen any time soon, so there's not much of a point to wondering about it.

My date asked me if I missed her. I said I missed This. . . having Someone but that I didn't miss her. I said if I work at it I can summon memories that are good, but that's about it. It's been a long time.

I haven't even felt the anger lately. I'm letting the emotion manifest itself as pity, and it's not even the kind that I want to tell her about. I used to think that before I could do any kind of friendly co-parenting with her, there were some things I needed to tell her, but now I'm losing my interest in saying those things. I've let go of a lot of it.

Indifference.

Thanks for the tip, CL. My understanding is that eHarmony is more for people who want to get married, and that's certainly not where I am. I think my response has been healthy so far, but I'm going to keep an eye on it.

Indifference.

Yup. That's where I have been for some time now. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad to be there. Strange to say that, but it's true.

I think the only thing I mourn, if you can even call it that, is the loss of companionship. I mourn that guarantee that someone was going to be around to hang out with. Funny thing I found out, is that even when you are married, there are no guarantees. Phooey!

Sure, the financial stress is getting to me, but I know there is an end to that in sight, so it's significance in the big picture is fairly small.

Heck, there is an end in sight to the loss of companionship . No worries!

Oh, I also mourn the loss of family for my son. That's TWO major things. In the end, he's suffered the most loss, IMO.

Yeah, I'm sure I took this one for granted--this is the one I expressed (missing there being Somebody, if not so much the SCQ). I'm beginning, however, to value the guarantee that I will get some time to myself (i.e., non-Kid Days).

Right on, SL. I meant to mention this one, too. In addition to pity for the SCQ, I feel sorrow for the kids, because they deserve better, and it really didn't have to be this way. But I know that I did everything I could to save the marriage. I can look myself in the mirror.

Such a simple statement - yet so incredibly meaningful.

Fox

Both you and SL did more than most, so you have no reason to feel guilty.

When I get lonely, I think, well, what would I be doing if WH were here? The truth is that I would be watching him sleep on the couch in front of the TV drowning it out with his snoring. Really, that's most of what I remember when I think about our M. For years, that's basically what he did. So what's to miss?

This is the one I most have difficulty with...still!

...because I know the boys deserve...so much more...and don't have much say in the deal

...it would be easier for me if I only had to deal with MY losses..

Hey SD!

I'd have to say that I'm in the camp with mourning the loss for my kids, too. Just last night I was 'stressing' about holiday stuff because I'm just not going to have the time I want/need with the kids to do the things we like/want to do. All because of the 'schedule'. Not right. Not fair. Not their choice.

But, once I got thru the initial 'stress', I decided it can be handled. No, they won't get to wrap everyone's gifts with me because I did not get my shopping done before they leave to go with Drac tomorrow. BUT, we CAN still make cookies AFTER Christmas. We CAN still go see the special light display that they love AFTER Christmas. The point is that we do what we enjoy together WHENEVER we can. I felt bettter,,,,,,,,,and I am, too, getting to the point of Indifference wit Drac. I'll update about that on my thread.

What I really wanted to stop in and say is that I am so happy to hear of your initial venture out into the dating world! Congratulations!! Sounds like you have plenty of things 'going on' to keep you busy! Mostly, I'm happy your first date out went so well. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but once the first date is done, it's easier to breathe!


I have no doubt you are most definately a good date! Rust has nothing to do with it,,,,what matters is that you are a wonderful man with an amazing personality, great humor, and a giving soul. What woman wouldn't be pleased after spending an evening with you?

Oh,,,maybe you could ask BC what to do about that rust thing. I'm sure he's been treated for it at one time or another!

Thanks, Bugs. It was good to read your update and that you're doing well.

I was just doing a little communicating with the SCQ--arranging a split-squad session on the 22nd and 23rd so that I can take DS9 to the Poinsettia (sp?) Bowl on the 23rd (DD5 is Not Interested). And the SCQ said sure, that would work, and that she would bring DD5 home on the 24th, and it got me thinking.

The kids and I don't have anything in particular planned, and I have them through the 29th. I am toying with the idea of inviting the SCQ over to visit the kids on either Christmas or Christmas Eve. Maybe it's just asking for trouble, but I've been feeling really good lately.

I don't know. I'll think about it.

Um, WHAT???

I think you should just find something for you and the kids to do. That is, unless you really do wanna have that relationship thing where you and the ex 'hang out' even though you're divorced. I've heard of couples who divorce, even under the worst of circumstances (which I believe infidelity applies), and end up being friends. Seems weird to me though. Probably a bit confusing for the kids, too...

In other words...WHAT???

Ditto that.




Do not welcome the snake into your den, Guy Smiley, venom will be spewed at some point and you do not yet have the complete defenses to deflect it.

Is she still with POSOM? If so, you have your answer.

Fox

To what end would you be doing this?


I agree. Would it be creating false hope to the kids of a future reconciliation?






I think it would be asking for trouble.

or