YAY!! Much bettah!! Much, much bettah!!



In fact...just AWESOME!! (if you don't mind me borrowing a word!)

Charlotte

Wow, that was pretty intense, T2L! It is hard when you define yourself within your relationship and when that's gone, what do you do? So, I'm forced to really grow and change due to his choices, but my choosing to grow from this doesn't validate his choice (I hope). Not that its a bad thing for him to hit 40 and feel like he doesn't know who he is, certainly how he did it sucks eggs!
DM, thanks for your cheers! The only time I struggle is when he picks up the kids or when they are gone for the night. That's when this all feels too real and I get so angry that my kids have to go on a visit with their dad. Otherwise, we go along just fine in our lives and day and, although I still think about my situation nearly constantly, at least I don't have the emotional rollercoaster.
So, he came for the kids about an hour ago and still feeling a little yucky.
BF439

bf,

You ARE handling this amazingly well. So glad YOU are seeing your own strength and beauty!

I loved that post from Pepperband too. She was one whose wisdom and insight helped me through my darkest days back in '06, when all I could do was read and writhe in pain trying to understand. I would suggest reading more of her posts. Just click on her screen name in her last post. All good stuff.

And Pepperband, a belated but heartfelt "thank you" to you. You were a life line to me.

Right Here Waiting

Hi BF, Yes, this is definately part of the wayward fog. I have an almost 4 year old and an almost 2 year old. WH cannot understand the pressures of raising them and working full time and now complains that he doesn't have time to do anything when he works only 4 days per week. There is no help here. We are having huge problems and my peaceful plan B is anything but. He is determined to hit the family court so maybe I will get some time on my own, but even 30 minutes without them the other night when he was with them at the video store hurt so much.

I feel for you BF and keep checking on you. You are fighting a hard battle but finding yourself in this mess is the answer. Muuuah!

I know that Plan B is so important to me because when I do see him dropping the kids off or see his financial transactions on our on-line banking, I just go Bluuuggghhh.
When I have not contact or information, I'm much better, and I can focus on just today and the positive things I have to look forward to that I control.
Some days I miss him; some days I'm mad that he isn't fighting to see/talk to me; some days I just plain hate him.
But I know that real recovery is for me to focus on me and right now the work seems to be me reminding myself everyday that we don't always get what we want. And sometimes we just have to live with that and not try unhealthy tactics to get it (i.e. guilt trips, intimidation, anger, etc).
That's all for now. Any and all posts are appreciated, since I'm sort of in Plan B doldrums..
BestFriend439

Hi BF, know the feelings well. with me it changes by the hours, sometimes I feel just fine and then I just drop and become really low

Ok, I feel like I blew the Plan B thing. I got in the mail the duplicate bills from WH's cell phone, with detailed calls. Once number came up a lot in the evenings and I knew it wasn't OW's so I called it.
Turned out it was OW and WH's mutual friend (former co-worker of WH) who had allowed them to stay at their house one weekend.
I kept it brief and said I was just clarfying phone records, but let her know how much it hurt me and my kids that she supported their affair.
She wasn't defensive or anything and sounded a little sad and I just said goodbye and hung up.
Even looking at the old phone records is not Plan B!! I should know better.
OK, let the chastizing (and support?) begin!
BF439

Some good news, for once! I found a pug puppy that I could afford for my 4 year old who really wanted a puppy for Christmas!
They are loving her and its so nice to have something around that makes us all smile!
Plus, WH would never have let us get that kind of dog!
DD12 said the other day that things are better here, because we don't have to deal with his grumpy moods (which obviously were caused by me and his "loveless" marriage!) but its nice to know that I can keep a happy home even if I am depressed and devastated. Think what a happy home it will be once I'm recovered!
BF439
Signing off from Planet Pug!

Good for you! Animals are the best medicine!

One more thing to report:
WH called to talk with the kids tonight and heard all about the pug. Anyway, he asked DD11 to go to the gym with him tomorrow and I overheard the conversation and told son no. I immediately sent an email to the IM reminding him to not set up anything individually with the kids.

After he got off the phone I spoke to both of the older kids and explained that I was not trying to hurt dad or be difficult, but to stick to the arrangement we had, for my own mental health, as well as (hopefully) encouraging WH to understand the full force of his decision and perhaps rethink where he is.

I don't know, but it felt good to set limits on him! Although it seems reasonable, he is trying to push the boundaries, just like Sunday with DD12. This must be part of his plan, to be around the kids as much as it works for him and expect me to adjust, because obviously I am always here! Heck, I was always here so he could have the affair to begin with!

Not this time buster! You have visitation and that's what we are sticking too. If you want to be a full-time parent, move home and really be there!

I hope the fog is breaking a little, because even if I never want him back, I'd still really love to get some recognition from him about the magnitude of what he's done!

Geez, my posts are always so long!!!
BF439
Pug is asleep!

Exactly! Now you've got it! Great work.

By, George, I think I've got it!
BF439

Follow-up from my fall from Plan B when I called random number from WH's cell record...
WH texted IM asking me to stop contacting his friends. IM added that she agreed. Working on getting new IM....
BF439

Until then, ask IM whose side she is on? Remind her that if she wants to help you, she has to remain neutral - no comments and no judgments! Tell her how much she is hurting you!

Ok, here's my update from Planet (Mostly) Awesome!
IM forwarded something today that she probably shouldm't and I ended up taking a sick day (we call it resentment flu) but I had a wonderful afternoon sleeping with the baby and the pug.
IM said she felt too wimpy to deal with WH -- I Need Someone Strong!!! WH is a "great guy" but very fogged and very selfish and very Entitled.
I need someone who can send some of his messages back and say, "this has nothing to do with finances or children..." and not put up with his "nice-guy aggression."
Talked with MIL tonight about Christmas gifts, but I did not go into anything. I'm sure WH already ran me down for "contacting his friends," ( I spoke with one of his friends who supported the affair by letting them stay at her house)

Maybe I need to just MOVE ON -- because I am having a hard time envisioning him ever humbling himself because of his actions and it gets harder and harder to think about ever being with someone who would do what he's done to me and our family.
I think in his mind and that of his family, I am the dysfunctional one since I don't seem to believe that "ITs over," since I seem to see everything from the perspective of the affair.

I feel a little crazy tonight, any advice to make me feel like I am on a good path???
BF439

Hi BF,
I just wanted to say hi - I read thru this entire thread and I am in a situation similar to yours. I am trying to do plan A long distance since WH moved back to Europe (supposedly for work - but he is looking for his own apartment - and by the way maybe he will share it with her - and by the way maybe she will sleep with him the day that happens - sorry I got carried away -but things are similar because I have 3 kids and am more or less on the same time frame as you. I am going to go into plan B soon and am very interested to follow how your plan B is going.
You seem really strong and seem like you are doing great. I feel the mood swings, the not having WH around at the holidays, etc. I am so with you on that. It is so sad that there are so many of us BW's out there but at the same time it does help me to know I'm not alone.
I also have RHW helping me a lot, catperson too.
RHW you are there for so many of us. How do you do it? A huge thank you!
Your responses on this thread are helping me stay focused as well.
Anyway BF, I will keep following your story and hope to be of some help to you, if for nothing else than to know I feel a lot of the same things that you are feeling right now. Know that your posting your story is a help to me.
Hugs.

Thanks, qwertyuiop, it does help to know that folks are out there pulling for me.
SOmetimes I am jealous of those of you whose husband is still saying that they want to be married (even though they are cake-eating), since mine has made it so clear that he doesn't want me at all. But bufferring myself from him gives me so much peace and really lets me focus on me and the kids.
I can't imagine how hard this would be with a wayward across the ocean! Hang in there and keep posting!

BF439

Hi BF,
Actually my WH has told me over and over again that our marriage would be over anyway. He hasn't actually said he wants a divorce but he has repeatedly said that I should have expected this because our marriage was so bad for so long. Actually it was really, really bad when he started having the affairs because he began demonizing me - telling me I'm crazy, etc. And it is now hard for me to even remember what our marriage was like before that (before the A's).

It is true that my WH is still somewhat on the fence - but I'm getting a lot of the same lines you are getting. I KNOW with 100% certainty that my WH's affair will end because it is based on lies and deceit and the girl seems manipulative and jealous and, well, scary. (they say they haven't slept together but will when they move in together - and the apartment will be in the high rent district by the way.. and you know it is not WH who made up that rule). And probably in both your case and my case WH will come back eventually - since there are kids involved. But meanwhile I am so scared he will get her pregnant. Do you think about that? I almost want them to move in together so they get a dose of reality fast and we can get on with this. She has a 3 yo so he would move in with her and her daughter. The A is with her not with her and her daughter - so things would feel soooo strange for him. I almost want to go into plan B right now. I am impatient.

I am also starting to hate him... every time we are on the phone and he says something, well, hateful... I think. 'I hate this man... what am I doing trying to save this marriage?" Then I dutifully say something nice or try to get off the phone fast.

Sorry, don't want to hijack your thread.

Have a good day.
Hugs

bf,

EVERYBODY here is pulling for you! Those of us who've made it through the fire (never believing we could while going through it) feel a sense of longing to extend a hand to help someone else out of the flames. Just as those who went before us did for us. You'll likely do it too.

Don't waste energy feeling jealous of BS's whose WH's tell them they want to remain married... WHILE CARRYING ON AN A! They are cake eating, pure and simple, selfishly manipulating and making their BS's absolutely crazy in the process. ("How can he want me if he's boinking her? Makes NO sense.") And I don't believe those WH's are any more or less likely to recover properly when the time comes.

Just one of those variations on the script. Some spew different fog babble, but it's ALL fog babble. Understand that. And try not to listen.

Just keep on what you're doing. You will be happy in the end, no matter what happens. Personally, I believe your WH will come around eventually--how could he NOT with an amazing wife like you? And if he doesn't, he doesn't deserve you anyway, and you'd still be better off.

Right Here Waiting

Hello, Q.

Your WH is spewing the exact opposite babble that bf is hearing, but I assure you it doesn't make any difference. Your challenge is different because of the distance involved, but I see hope for your sitch too.

You and bf have both been so incredibly strong. People told me that too, during that awful time and, like you, I sure didn't feel that way. What I felt was desperate and scared.

Doesn't matter what you feel. Matters what you DO. Keep doing what you know is right, and that will be the best shot you can take at recovering your M. Took a long time, but it worked fer me...

Right Here Waiting