Luna, please don't look for crumbs. No one has a crystal ball.

Look in the mirror and ROAR!!!!!!!!!


Fox

Fox

Hi luna! Wow, I haven't posted to you in ages and just got caught up on your thread. First big for you. I totally agree with SL on this . I almost gagged at his "you can always count on me" statement!

Anyway, just wanted you to know that one more person is here and cares about you.

ITA with this statement. Take care of YOUR needs, Luna.

ROAR

ROAR

ROAR


ROAR

WARNING!!! Repeated ROARING can cause lightheadedness. Please maintain proper breathing...

You are gonna be okay, Luna

Hi FF,


Thanks FF. I appreciate your support.


Yeah....I know. I am holding back, because I really would want to ask WS exactly on WHAT I can count on him for! :RollieEyes:

...but I won't!

...now you tell me! :crosseyedcrazy:

I think it helps us to know we aren't along, we aren't crazy, our feelings are not only real but certainly understable and that we someday can and will survive because we are all together....

This place got me through many nights where I wasn't sure that I would make it. Some nights, just reading the posts of others in the same sitch helped calm me down. Just to know that you aren't alone in this.

I'm glad that I can help support someone else.

I don't know what's going on.

I actually have 'asked' WS the question.

Do I unconsciously think at this point it will be helpful to me to drain the Lbank? ...to help me feel less pain when faced with WS's choices?

...a NEED for a reality check and see WS for what he IS, has BECOME, now...so that I can CHOOSE to not want him in my life?

Yet...another part of me says that this is NOT taking care of myself, knowing, no matter what the answer, if any, given that he is a WS... will be PAINFUL! ....like...have I fallen off the wagon?

Is it only the need TO DO something, and am I making BAD choices?

It's certainly out of my 'comfort zone' and out of the protection of Plan B.

We will see where this goes.

If it seems trivial to be always referring back to G-d. I apologize.

I lived my life before this without G-d and I have come to rely on him for my existence, my fun, my love, my journey.

G-d has your front, side and back. He KNOWS where you are going. My wish is that you can find some comfort in HIM and that he WON'T let you down when the mere mortals of WH's DO...

LUNA

Hi Queenie,


Well...that lesson I have learned and am learning.... mere mortals can and will let you down...FOR SURE!

I am learning though that when and if I am knocked down... I CAN and WILL figure out how to stand up again.

As you know, I found it tough and very painful to read WS's reply, although easier than had it been a face-to-face encounter. It gave me time to assimilate it and 'lick my wounds' sort of speak.... It did clearly confirm that I cannot trust WS with my heart. So that's settled.

OTOH, realistically, I need to find a balance between protecting myself, a dark Plan B and, seeing that we are headed for Plan D anyways, establishing some contact for my own benefit and that of the boys... Unlike some WSs, he is willing to enter into some sort of dialogue...if I can handle and expect his 'waywardness'.

I think a few here, like Fox, seem to doing a good job with this...dealing with WHAT IS.

It will be less safe than Plan B. I will need to learn to be more vigilent, and learn to take care OF MYSELF even more, to compensate for it. I don't want to be WS's friend. I don't ever want to meet OP. WS is not welcome in my house. But for the sake of the boys and for myself, I think I would now like to explore if I can establish some sort of 'dialogue' between WS and myself (...while never losing sight of the fact that a WS's state of mind seems to think one can change one's mind at any time and disregard committments - pure TAKER)

...and yes, like all BSs, I will continue to hope that the karma bus one day will hit both WS and OP...as they also have lessons to learn!

...just to help me keep things straight in my head/thread... below is a post to Fox...and anyone else who may have comments.

It may be too early in the game, but it seems right now I want to explore if I can find a balance between 'protecting myself' yet establish some sort of dialogue with WS...and I am not yet sure what I could be getting myself into or can expect... so any advice / heads up is welcomed.

I have to tell you Luna, I am inspired by your selflessness and ability to even entertain moving into a different realm of relationship with WH.

I have to believe that comes with healing, true deep work on yourself to understand how you can put other peoples needs above yours, and YET, to maintain sanity and the ability to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF being the primary purpose.

For as much healing that has happened in my life, THIS is NOT a possibility yet. Plan B, albeit the hardest thing I ever did in the beginning, well D-day was harder, but staying dark was so alone. So very alone.

Opening the wanting to explore is just a step.... not a decision, not a reaction, but a step towards acceptance of moving on in a way that you didn't want to before. Accept this success in your recovery.

My advice is anything, is to check your motives, to protect yourself at all costs and move extremely slowly because where you didn't have choice when this happened, you don't have choice with WH not coming home, you do have choice as to how to proceed from here on and that is something that you can nurture, instead of having it be this way or that.

Does that make sense or am I rambling as usual. LOL

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ LUNA }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} }}}

Hi Queenie,


I like your advice, and I see it the same way...

It's a 'tightrope' walk...wanting to reduce the 'protection' factor to a minimum...to allow some interaction with a WS and yet not lose sight that 'waywardness' is abound!

I have opened the door for some interaction (at the risk of experiencing some pain - which I don't expect to die from - as well as a Lbank drain - and at this point, it may just be what needs to happen).....enough to make my 'position' as clear as possible to WS....and that I am not interested in 'being just friends'..... just so I won't have any regrets in the future, and know that I DID the most that I could to save my family... and if anyone is setting himself up to have future 'regrets'...by not being able to 'blame it' on BS ....it will be WS! ....his life...his choices...

In the meantime, Plan D process is back on... and I need to figure out what are the best options for going 'solo' and how I will deal with challenges that I would not have taken on otherwise had I known I could no longer 'count' on S!

...for what is worth, here's is another example of the 'wayward' logic, and what some of you may expect from a WS (in short form as we don't communicate in English):

WS:
-------------------------------------
...meaning, not to act as if we don't know each other...and ignore each other;
...call each other as needed, be ready to help each other;
...be an example to our kids of two adults growing yet living parallel lives, yet wishing to be available when it's possible, in short, consider each other as friends and not enemies.
-------------------------------------

I expect it to fall on deaf ears, but I replied.... mostly for myself, and for the record, as follows:

Dear WS:
-------------------------------------
...as I have often said, I miss....you and working together with you

...we can still work it out, if you want, by seeing this as an experience where we can learn more about ourselves and each other

...when you want to consider discussing this further, both of us ready to listen and accept each other's feelings, be willing to be there for each other again beginning with N/C with OP and work it out between us...this is the example I want to give our kids.

...it is your life, and you can choose to live it how you want it and with whom you want to...

...I will respect your choices, but I don't want to 'sweep this under the rug', and will continue to protect my feelings as much as I can while at the same time cooperate to make the situation as easy as possible for the boys.
--------------------------------------

Should WS still convey that he 'doesn't get' what I want to say, I won't hesitate to continue to be consistent in my message.... at this point, I don't have anything to lose... in fact...for now, I find it helpful to know that I am willing to COMMUNICATE my message as often as WS has the need to ask.... if there is a problem with the 'receiving' end because it's not what WS wants to hear.... that is not my responsibility.

Luna,
Will write more when I recover from the bug that I have...

Good morning, Luna

I'm sorry, I didn't get your post until now - I haven't even checked my thread yet.

I have a few things to take care of this morning and will get back to you with this as soon as I can.

Take care,
Fox

Hi CL,


...very thoughtful of you to let me know.

...hope it's not too serious.