She sounds like she's really scared that I may do something to physically hurt her. I'm not like that. How do I convince her that I love her and that I'm actually doing this to HELP her, not hurt her!!!!! This is so messed up.

hehehee Well, don't let him scare you. What a nice sister she has!! NOT!

You did good today standing up for your family and your marriage, Erich!!

BUHLONEY! She is not scared of any such thing. She is dramatizing to her stupid sister and her dumb friends to pander some pity.


You cannot convince her of anything or reason wtih her. That is impossible. You can only cause CONFLICT in the affair and watch it crumble. When the affair is done, you can recover your marriage.

Be polite, do not lovebust and look for opportunites to romance her.

But you are doing the right things, Erich. Women do not respect men they can run over and you have shown today that she cannot run over you adn the kids with her affair.

Wow. Thanks so much for your support. I truly could not have stood up to her and this A without you and everyone's support, advice, and encouragement.

Now I have to try to romance her. I think the exposure part was easier than romancing her is going to be especially since she hates me so much right now. I'll do my best..

OM's workplace is a potential target for exposure.

He has ignored your request for NC. Let's play hardball. How do you think a trailer with poster parked in front of his place of employment would go down?

The sign will say: Mr OM, LEAVE MY WIFE ALONE, GET YOUR OWN WOMAN.

It may pay you to hang around with a camera. Charge him with malicious damage to property if he tries to tear it down.


Now about conversations of divorce with WW. Don't. The watchword around here is "I talk marriage, my lawyer talks divorce".

Based on that conversation and her wayward mind-set, your WW might just be stupid enough to try something to get you kicked out of your home. I suggest you take this seriously and consider your options carefully. At the very least you should lawyer up and start documenting everything.

And if she starts getting abusive towards you (throwing things, etc.) - YOU call the police. The police records of any such situation, and of course the problems she's had before, will make it easier for you to have HER removed from the home, rather than vice-versa.

Good job however in making things uncomfortable A-wise for her. Now you need to up the ante and make it uncomfortable for the OM.

I agree. Carry a voice digital voice recorder around with you. If she calls the police, get her to admit on tape that you never touched her while they are on their way over. Then present it to the cops when they show up. That way, she will be the one hauled to jain, not you, and you will have a leg up in any custody dispute. If you aren't prepared, you may very well get arrested kicked out of your house, have a RO placed on you, and lose custody of your children. Something to think about.

Did you know this when you married her? Where are the father of your step-children and what is their involvement w/ the kids? Are your step kids full or half siblings?

Given that she has a history of violence and is talk crap about you, I would speak to an attorney right away about what your rights are in this situation. Do not let this woman take your son if she leaves. Her parents are already supportive of you getting full custody should it come to that and she has an arrest record. If your WW refuses to end her A and can not straighten herself out, you do not want your son to be screwed up by this woman.

Keep posting. I hope you can salvage this but given her history it doesn't sound very promising to me. Be strong and do not cave into her nonsense. Is she IMing from her cell phone or computer?

Ok, first of all, what actually happens has nothing to do with what she might tell the cops in order to get you thrown out.

To the extent possible, just withdraw and let her act out. I wouldn't have said to stop the phone calls and IMs, after all, it IS her house too. She is going to freak and run around looking for people to support her. No matter what they all say, the exposure is working because it shook her world, right?

Just lay low and let her thrash around. You shouldn't talk about divorce or custody or anything -- YOU are the one who wants the marriage.

If she files, big deal, that isn't the end of the world. It is a long road from there to actual divorce.

Remember -- when somebody has to say "I'm backing you because we are blood" they AREN'T saying "I'm backing you because I think you are right"....

Just be calm, sit back, let the exposure work its pressure. Nothing here is surprising. It would be more alarming if she laughed it off with no reaction.

speaking to an attorney is a must, but do it clandestinely and don't throw it in her face. And remember, divorce attorneies don't get their kids through private school by giving an hour of advice that reconciles a marriage.

Erich, what went wrong here? You started sleeping in separate bedrooms a year after you were married? And you are her THIRD H and she has been in jail for physical assault for assaulting the last 2 husbands?

Did you make a terrible choice here? Your marriage crumbled very early. Did she have affairs in her last marriages?

I think ML correectly said "look for opportunities" to romance her. Don't run in trying.

For now, I would just keep your head down and avoid the Tasmanian Devil. No decisive relationship talks, let her threaten whatever, don't be drawn into arguments and confrontations she can relate to her family as examples of your being nuts.

Ride it out. This is exactly what exposure should be. The exciting little secret affair is going to start looking tawdry in the light of day.

Well, here's an update of today's happenings.

Where to begin? I just read a long email that WW wrote to OM. The main thing she said is that she doesn't think she wants to file for divorce now because I told her that I would consider filing for full custody of our son. That hit her to her core. She told OM that she will just have to be a "shell" of a person for the next 13.5 years (until our son grows up). But she says in the email the she spent all day looking into her options for moving out with the kids--section 8 housing I think... So her game plan is to move out but not file for divorce for fear of losing custody of our son?

OM emailed her back saying he is so supportive of her and that he will always be there for her when the time comes or whatever. It's obviously time to rock his world. I will hire a PI next week and get his phone# and his parents and start finding out where he works..

She says in her email that I am dilusional and that she's afraid of me and hates me and wishes that I was dead.

Unfortunately, she's in the room next door talking to him online. He's "there for her." She's bawling and says in her email that she's been bawling all day.

She really paints me as a dilusional monster who is only happy when I make her miserable. She still doesn't believe that I did this because I love her. She thinks I'm a monster.

I'm still doing kind things for her to show that I really do care about her.

I'll try to answer some of your questions next...

Yes, I knew that she had been to jail twice for hitting her ex's but she explained it that they were just being spiteful because she is a small girl and can't really hurt them by hitting them. I agree that she couldn't really hurt a guy by hitting them cuz she's kind of small so I just wrote it off. Plus one of the spouses told her to hit him instead of breaking things...

The fathers of my step children have active relationships with the kids and my wife encourages the ex-husbands to be part of her kids' lives. My step kids are half-siblings. Each has a different Dad. I am my wife's third husband.

She's IM'ing him. She won't talk to him on the phone while I'm home since I set up that boundary. But she did talk to him on the phone while I was at work.

Is she a SAHM? Are you the main income earner?

It was always her idea to sleep in another room. I never wanted that. We argued a lot about things. The biggest thing that I did wrong was to not acknowledge her emotional needs. I would think in my mind that "she shouldn't feel that way because that's stupid and I don't feel that way so why should she?" So instead of addressing her needs, I swept them under the rug and pretended they weren't there. So she stopped meeting a lot of my needs in return..

She did have an affair during her first marriage. She explained to me that she didn't love him to begin with and that she married him just because they had a kid out of wedlock. She claims that she separated from him and was in the middle of filing for divorce when she began the affair. She married the guy that she had the affair with and he became her second husband. She never wanted a divorce from him but he abandoned her for several months with no financial support so she divorced him in the end because she had two kids to take care of and needed child support.

WW has a very passionate heart and puts taking care of her kids as a priority although she doesn't see the harm that she is causing them by having this affair. We have most of the big things in common: beliefs about religion, finances, and how the mom should be able to stay home with the kids to raise them, and other stuff.. Our personalities just clash. But I think that could be nipped now that I understand what her emotional needs are and learn how to meet them..

Yes, she is a SAHM and I am the primary income earner. She receives a little child support each month from the other Dads.

I'm reading their online chat right now and it's pretty pathetic. They are just the same as before. So far, he's still declaring his full support and love for her and she is eating it up. It seems like all I've done is somehow "scare" my wife out of calling him on the phone while I'm in the house but all they have to do is chat together.

Aside from putting more pressure on OM by exposing to more of his fam and co-workers, is there anything else i should do to try to kill this damn affair and all the online love-bird chatting?

Well, that's exactly what SHE said. But I told her that I would not allow her to bring her affair into our house because our house is a sanctuary for me, her, and the kids and that I would expect HER to not allow ME to bring any crap like that into the house.

But, apparently, I can't police her constantly, and obviously, she's still chatting online with him like there's no tomorrow so I don't know if there is anything I can do to force that to stop. I guess I'll just focus more on exposure..

Oh, and I didn't tell her that she couldn't talk on the phone at all in the house. I just said that she couldn't talk to OM on the phone in our house...

Were you really so unpleasant that she no longer wanted to sleep with you? I find that very troubling and wonder if she just married you because she needed someone to support she and her 2 kids? Is that a possibility?


Does she say how she plans on supporting herself? My suggestion would be to somehow let slip into the conversation that in the event of a separation, you would be filing for full custody to keep your son in his home. And that you won't be giving her any money to move out with or live on.

Does she have access to your money? If she does, I would close down that access NOW. Move your money to another account and get her off your credit cards so she does not plunder your money.

In the meantime, I would really study up on lovebusters and see which ones you have utilized and stop them. When she gets over her anger at your exposure, I would ask her to take the emotional needs questionaire and the lovebusters Q.

Can you swing marriage coaching with Steve Harley or his sister, Dr Chalmers? They do phone counseling for $195 a session and are very good. They would assess your marriage and give you a PLAN to recover. The way I think you would benefit the most is that they are able to give a wayward spouse HOPE sometimes and bring her back into the marriage.