I'm really curioius what WWs and BSs think about this and didn't want to t/j another post. I'm a FWW and so can't see into a FWH's mind. I have only my female perspective.

On a post titled "How to kill my WW's A", MyRevelation wrote: "Plan A, etc. may be a good option for BW/WH situations, but strong, decisive ACTION is almost always the best tactic in BH/WW cases. WW's are a completely different animal, and should be treated differently by this site."

How are WWs a completely different animal from WHs and how and why should the two be treated differently? One big difference I see on these forums is between WWs who are remorseful and those who are not and continue with the affair(s). This difference doesn't seem to matter based on gender.

Thoughts?

L4,

great topic. I am planning on asking Steve about this during out next session.

Unfortunately, my WW is the type who is not remorseful and is continuing her A right under my nose.

This could be a quicksand of generalities....so I will tread lightly and keep it pithy.

A WW may leap to the PA after having a lengthy EA. An entrenched EA (LOVE) and then PA usually is found out by the BH after the WW has already checked out of her M. Not unusual that WW are more likely to have a romantic affair and these affairs are tough to break.

Quite a few WH on the other hand may have a PA and then it may become a EA after the act. The chase and admiration is what makes the WH jump to the PA - not necessarily love. There can be PA and ONS without any romance.

I am sure there are psychological and biological reasons for differences in behaviour. But either way - a WH or WW willing to leave a M with kids and obligations is selfishness in high order

in my case, my WW started with an EA that then turned into a PA after a few months.

Seems to be normal to see WW jump to PA after an EA. It is almost like the WW needs to escalate it to keep the OM around.

WS are hooked by the needs being met by the OP.

There are stories where the WW didnt necessarily have a high libido but used the PA to keep the OM. Often while denying the her BH who may have a high libido. Affairs are crazy and destructive.

I kinda read this as BWs are more likely to be able to Plan A for longer and not lose the love. BHs need a quicker end to not bail on the M.

As far as WWs, I think women in general are usually more concerned about their family (and the annihilation of it). A threat of D is more likely to knock sense into them. Men are less likely to be as strongly attached, so the threat does not really work. I have read the women file for D more often though, so it kinda throws a monkey wrench into my theory. From all the posts I have read, it does seem there is an innate difference in WWs and WHs.

Actually - if you read the boards and I think the Harleys had mentioned that a BH can handle Plan A longer (up to 6 mos) because males can compartmentalize better than females.

Also the primal competition for mating kicks in for males. But BH has to get past the initial anger and possible violence first before Plan A can commence. This is where a BH files for divorce or confronts the OM right away.

For the BW however - mental stress and uncertainty can give the BW post traumatic stress earlier. A sooner Plan B will rock the WH self absorbed world quicker. Not to mention that most BW have a family to consider and have in effect been abandoned. A BW world can be emotional and financial more stressful.

If i didn't know better, i'd say you were describing my situation.

Very interesting topic. I think Rwinger is right, with WW's the EA is what usually leads to the PA. In my case, I was working side by side with the OM for about 18 months, getting more and more attached emotionally before it turned into a PA.

Sometimes I wonder if WM have multiple partners so that they don't become too dependent on one person to have their needs met. I think my brother is like that.

Unfortunately -

I have seen on these boards when the BH/WW finally work on reconciliation after busting up the affair, the M falls apart anyway.

There is a greater chance for the BH to move on and find greener pastures (even years later) especially when financial risk of paying CS are over.

The BH will eventually wake up and cannot or will not handle the PA mind movies of his WW with another man. Recovery is very delicate because years later the BH may just say screw it and take off.

Good point - those WH that commit adultery with hookers and/or oONS are not even looking for Love, commitment nor romance.

Or when the children are gone and the wife is old, the A still is in the back of their mind. Trade in the older model for a new, younger model.

The lies and destruction that are caused by both differ very little from what I've seen.

The road to recovery differs very little for both as well.

I have found that when it suits their purposes, women will scream from the highest mountaintop that "women are soooo different from men!"

But, if the situation calls for it, suddenly they "aren't so different" after all.

It's a risk to generalize, of course, and I can only speak to romantic affairs, but my sense is that WHs are more likely to cake-eat. Typically, it's important to them to keep the relationship open with the BW.

I think WWs are more likely to completely devote themselves to the OM and worry less about their BH. They feel bad and all, but the marriage must have been over or else they never would have done such an awful thing like have an affair.

I'm not sure how much it matters, in the long run, but it can have implications for Plan B.

I'm probably the poster child for this scenario, except I actually had a plan all along to divorce the WW when the children were grown. We didn't even make it all the way to fully grown children.

I think that all wayward spouses with young children should be aware that the other spouse may be just putting in the time for the children and then out the door. I'm not sure how you could be sure that is not the case.

Interesting take on this SD,

I do think, from reading on this site, that most of the WW think that the M was over and then they had an A. The WH seem like they thought I'm not getting what I need in the M so I'm going to get it outside the M. Seems like the WH is using a coping strategy and still thinks he is married. Both, of course, are just thinking up ways to justify their own dishonesty.

Great topic. There are in fact far more commonalities between WWs & WHs (and their As) than there are definable differences. But there are a few areas where WHs & WWs do differ a bit IMO. Beware the follow are GENERALITIES, some of this is from professional observers [Dr. Pittman, "Private Lies" & others] and some is a bit anecdotal. So, please don't FLAME me...

1. Types of affairs: Both sexes engage in romantic affairs (RA) and these are the hardest to break and the most destructive to otherwise salvageable marriages. WHs are far more likely than women to have "accidental affairs" (unintended ONS or Fatal Attraction-type 'weekenders') and indulge in "Philandering" (repeated sexual conquests as part of 'proving themselves'). Yes, WWs do have occaisional ONS and philandering women do exist but, much less commonly so. WWs are FAR MORE LIKELY to get involved in purely RAs as opposed to any other type of infidelity.

2. WHs are more likely to highlight the sex and deny the emotion. WWs are more likely to claim it is/was "all for love" and implausibly deny a physical relationship.
Typical WH: "I is/was just sex with OW--it doesn't/didn't mean anything"
Typical WW: "I just fell/am in love with OM--it isn't/wasn't about sex with us"

3. It is common for there to be substantial age differences (>10 yrs) between affair-partners. WHs are more likely to A with a much younger OW initially becoming attracted to perceived sex appeal and youthful vitality. WWs are more likely to A with a much older OM becoming initially becoming attracted to perceived attention, emotional connection, and leadership.

4. WHs generally are more impetuous and incautious at the outset of the A, believing that it won't really damage their S, M, or family. WWs generally convince themselves initially/early that their "M is/was over anyway" thereby removing themselves from the belief that damage is even possible or severe.

5. WWs are more likely initiate and pursue D for the A. BWs are also more likely to file against their still-WHs. [No secret here, women file for almost 70% of the divorces in the USA.] WHs are more likely to "fence-sit" and "cake-eat" for a longer period of time. Basically, men are more likely to start and A and jump in without thinking & women are more likely to, once involved, "go the distance" for the A.

6. If either spouse separates and starts talking divorce, an A is likely ongoing or in the works--it is only a matter of degree. A departing husband is VERY likely involved with an OW; a departing wife is EXTREMELY likely involved with an OM. Domestic abuse shelters are full of battered wives who refuse to D their abusing husbands...it is simply VERY, VERY UNLIKELY for a wife to abandon her marriage/kids UNLESS there already is an OM in the background.

7. [This purely my observational hypothesis here] In a post-LTA scenario, a WW is LESS LIKELY to overtly attempt reconciliation, even if she wants/hopes for it. My guess is that her guilt and feelings that "he will never take me back now" are at play. It seems that a WH in the same scenario more often attempts reconciliation or re-contact, even in hopelessly implausible situations where the BX/xBW is clearly not open to the possibility.

I agree with SD guy. Men seem more likely to cake eat. Women usually stop having SF with the husband. Men seem to be able to keep it up with the wife and the OW.

Once a WW becomes active in an A they usually have ended the M in their head. A WH on the other hand will generally be happy to remain in the M as long as he can have the OW too