Luna, I'm afraid you are overthinking this. It's too soon to worry about this stuff. There's no reason for you to drop your Plan B. Your boys are old enough that they should be able to understand why you're doing what you're doing. You don't need anything from WH. There's no reason to let him cake-eat.

My advice: get the divorce out of the way. Then heal. Then--when you feel better and stronger--then you can worry about how to deal with your ex-husband.

Hi Fox,


It's OK, Fox, really....and I am sorry if I put you on the spot...and you may feel some 'pressure to get back to me'

As you know, I have been at this for awhile... :RollieEyes: ... and I do tend to 'take my time'...

I see some indication of maybe WS 'WANTING to know/understand'... curious about why I choose NOT to speak/see him?

We know that the likelihood that a WS 'gets it' is very low, as long as he chooses to stay in laland.

Even so, it may give me a chance TO SAY what I think I need to say...and to not have, BEFOREHAND, a....WHY BOTHER attitude...

This is where I am at, TODAY, as I am taking this one day a time.

No worries. I'm quite familiar with the need to talk things out so that I can find a firm hold on a concept.

Still catching up at the office so it'll be a bit yet.

Fox

Hi SD,


I agree, SD. It's easy on paper... and then, one mean, selfish remark from WS....and I am back at square one! :crosseyedcrazy:

I am glad that in my last reply to WS I maintain my Plan B conditions.... N/C with OP first and foremost, and willingness to be considerate of 'others' (ME & boys to start off with).....before 'sticking my neck out' any further!

Thanks, SD, for helping me to keep myself out of trouble and looking out for me! :RollieEyes:

It's the holiday season... I lost my dad... wishingful thinking of wanting to put the past in the past.... but when it comes to a WS..... it means setting oneself up for FUTURE suffering... and, honestly, I really don't need any more heartache than I got already!

Exactly the reason you need to go back to Plan B. I agree with SD, let yourself heal first, then worry about it. Luna, I fear that your stance of consistently sending the message may be starting to annoy WH somewhat. At the very least, it is telling him that he can continue this A until it dies, then you will take him back with open arms. Maybe that is the message that you want to convey, but at this point, he really has no reason to end it. He has two women that want him. At this point, he is going to stay with the one that isn't the sure thing because the one that is will always be waiting. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's just what I think I see happening.

This A has gone on now for 4 years, right? Maybe it's time to just let it go because there is not one thing that you can do that will change things. You are starting to destroy yourself by trying to keep the dream alive, and I don't want to see you do that.

You are a wonderful person who deserves so much more than to be discarded by that schmuck of WH. Even if you aren't mad, most of us who support you are, and I personally would like to run over him with my own Karma tank.

Luna:

I know this sounds crazy (and is "easier said than done") but, you must MOVE ON mentally.

You must (via a continually dark Plan B) remove yourself from a position in which your WH can overtly hurt you, set you back, and impede your personal recovery. Yes, you will have memories that haunt you...these do fade in time. Give yourself time to heal and build a new life. I know that sounds like lame advice--it did to me too--but it gradually works.

The irony is that, although there are no guarentees, often the events of the BS truly and definitively "moving on" and the WS's A ending/fog lifting/seeking reconciliation seem to eerily approximately coincide. You may or may not want to even consider that possibility then and will be in a much better position emotionally to handle it correctly if you do.

Consider the WH "awakening" to be a potential 'side benefit' only; the primary purpose is for YOU to no longer be contaminated mentally by his actions and your vulnerability to them.

I hope this helps as far-fetched as it sounds to you undoubtedly right now....God Bless

Hi CL,


Yeah...I know what you mean.

...right now, Plan B is the only 'thorn' on WS's side... because by not making myself available to be 'just friends' he can't fully 'cake-eat'....

I guess at this point, this was a last ditch effort to get 'through' to WS, who thinks that 'passage of time' will do the trick... and I needed him to know that it won't make a bit of difference FOR ME.... what will, is N/C with OP and addressing issues that justified having A in the first place. But yeah...I am starting to sound like a broken-record...time to stop that! :twobyfour:

...we are at a stalemate.

I need to work on finalizing Plan D. As hard as it will be, it will give me the 'official permission', if not to close the door on WS, at least open it up to others...and I may just like THAT.

Some 'anger' energy would be helpful to get me through...but it my case, over-analyzing seems to take its place...very ineffective indeed ....however, don't think getting mad at MYSELF about it is really going to help either

Hi SDCW,

Thanks for posting your thoughts.


Because of needed exchanges re boys and finances, my Plan B is not as dark as it could be...but it has been dark enough for me to learn to FUNCTION alone, on a DAILY basis, without direct contact with WS... counting on that fact to now help me along with the next step.

...and you are right...'easier said than done'...and I seem to take forever to move along.


Yep...that supports the theory that eventually, the biggest danger to M recovery is...the BS!


Please be assured that it does help...your support and concern alone is immeasureable, SDCW.

Well...lo and behold!


Maybe writing this post just before going to sleep is making a difference... I got up this morning REALLY mad... not sure exactly about WHAT... not sure what to DO about it...I am kinda SCARED of myself....not sure whether or not it will LAST...

This is a case where Plan B is actually BENEFICIAL for a WS...and he is lucky not to be anywhere near ME!

Good for you Luna. Go to the gym and box, or bat balls (no walls), or something. A guy in my D-care group cut down 8 trees one day when he got mad. Just do something to let the steam escape. Write an FU letter to WH. Of course, don't send it (yet).

We all go through this. It's normal....

And I think in a way....healthy.

Hi CL,


I am trying to put the 'energy' to good use while it lasts...

Polite email to WS with concrete proposals on how to reduce the stock in our basement... with which 'I', not HIM, has been living with for so long and symbolically I see as 'deadweight' and really want to take some pro-active measures to 'unload' or 'lighten up' SOMEHOW!

...which in turn, were it to happen, I think it may just give me some needed 'momentum' to somehow get the 'ball rolling' from my end....

I am just plain tired of the situation...I am OK....things are stable...life is good....but, yes, it could be much better...

I believe my last few email exchanges to WS allowed me to say to WS what I needed to say....in case there were any doubts about where I stood... and I really don't have anything else to add...

For today, at least, I want to really move on.

I expect the other shoe to fall...and have days where I will NOT want to move on... but the countdown has started.... at one point, I expect the days where I WANT to move on will OUTNUMBER the days on which I don't... and that will be very HELPFUL to me.

I like reading what you have said here, Luna. It's what I want for you. Don't go waiting for the other shoe--go with the moving on. I predict that once you really get started, it will gather momentum and get easier rather than harder.

One concrete way is to put it in storage, pay one months fee, hand him the key and let him know it's his responsibility and walk away. I should have done this right off the bat, and gotten rid of all that negative energy around the house. Alas, I did not (even though that's the advice I got EARLY ON), and now I have just learned to live with it. When I move, I will be leaving all of that 'stuff' behind.

Hope this was part of your proposal

I know it sounds odd, but it was good to read that you got angry. The next step is finding appropriate outlets for it.

Hi SD,


I hope so, SD. I am trying to gather up some strength...need to go down deep...

I was looking at options to move today, if I needed to. Realized it was a little too much too soon. So, I will put that idea aside for now, even if I expect to find the 'weight' of the responsibilities overwhelming, as it was NOT what I had signed up for....

Right now... a lot of different emotions are surfacing... can't seem to make heads or tails out of them...hurt, anger, sadness, disappointment, fear... :crosseyedcrazy: ...I hope this is not going to last too long.

..and,yes, I know...I need to BREATHE through it!

This is really really DRAINING...difficult to concentrate and focus... need to learn to dose them out a little bit better...not sure how yet...but I guess I will figure something out.

Hi SL,


Why do you have to 'live with it', SL? ..and why is it no longer an option for you?

...I am starting off with ways to at least 'unload' what has been lying in the basement for years and I do not even expect WS to be interested in having....


I agree 'appropriat outlets' are in order... anger is not an emotion I have learned to either 'express' or 'manage'...in fact, it's so rare it scares even me....to tears!

I will repeat this because it bears repeating! Hire some high school kids with a truck to move it all, sign up the storage under HIS name, mail him the key, and walk away!

Not your problem any more! One way in which he will be forced to step up and take responsibility.

Oh, I don't HAVE to live with it. I choose to at this point it doesn't really bother me anymore; it's just 'stuff' with absolutely no emotional attachment. I wish I HAD done it years ago when I was advised to; it woulda been a good way for me to have him out of sight, out of mind. Meh, no biggie.

If he buys me out of the house, I'll just leave it here; if we sell, he'll have to come get his crap.

With money being like it is now, I'd rather not spend any of it storing his stuff. I HAD the money back then, but it's a little too late now. If i had to do it over again, things would go a bit differnt...

AS for the anger, if you express it thru tears, that's fine. When I get really angry the tears flow but I can feel my entire body get hot, and my head gets super clear, and my words are like weapons. THAT scares me. That's when misguided anger can take over. I've learned to hold back quite a bit and expel that energy down other avenues, like exercise. I miss my heavy bag, though, and yoga and pilates. Lots of areas of expulsion that I cannot use since the surgery, or at least until all is fused in my spine. Still get quite a bit of pain when I overdo it.

You'll figure it all out Luna. YOu don't have to do it all today. Feel the feelings and let them go.

I've also found that my anger will override my fear in some situations where I might back down and help me to move thru a difficult situation. You know, like separation, divorce, etc. and so on.

Hi Catperson,


I hear yeah... and for me this would be a last resort method. It is in the basement... and his sense of entitlement makes him 'expect' to be able to share it and use it as 'storage space', at least until I chose to committ to buying him out, as it is not 'living space'. Were I to buy him out, the situation would be different.

Let's not forgot...he is the father of the boys, and I expect and will need to 'work with him' in the future at some level. He knows I won't let this go...and the best he can do is buy some time...no different than what I am doing a bit with process Plan D...as he also has the means to make my life even MORE difficult... so as much as can be expected from a WS, I do see him making an effort not to....

I'm with cat. Get that stuff out of your living space. It's poisoning you.

Hi SL,


Yes, of course, you don't HAVE to...didn't really mean it that way other. It's more a question of picking which 'battles' to fight.

Should I buy him out, than I feel I can insist on it. In the meantime, I am choosing to 'nudge him' along to do it, but right now I have BIGGER fishes to deal with.


Yes.. not good for 'misguided anger' to be in control. I hope it won't be too long before you will be able to get back doing exercises you enjoyed.


...I don't know...I am feeling a lot of feelings...maybe not the right ones... I need to go into ACTION MODE...I can't seem to make the transition....


FAKE it until... because sometimes I feel like I am just 'spinning the wheels', and not only am I NOT moving, I am wearing the tires and wasting gas! :RollieEyes:

It's one of the reason I would like to tap into, connect to my ANGER... I really could use the ENERGY to push me along...

It's like, I'll cross the bridge when I get there.... I am there NOW....and I can't seem to CROSS IT! The fear may be normal, so I need to find the SOURCE that will override it....

I don't know how I got to a place where my ANGER muscles don't seem to be there...and I don't know how to develop them. WS is certainly giving me reasons to be ANGRY!

Sorry if I sound like a broken record!