Erich, are these family members speaking to your W on your behalf?? Do you think your MIL and FIL would be willing to have a chat with the OM and ask him to leave their DD alone?

Maybe if you told your MIL what she is saying, she might be motivated to call him up... We have had affairs that were ended THAT day because someones MIL called and scared the OM. for example, he could be told that the DD is lying to him about you and that there is no future in her family for him. He would be ETERNALLY HATED by her family and would not be able to darken their doorstep. She could also tell him that you are DD's only support and that the OM would have to support her if you were gone.

What did you find out about the OM's family? Do you have a home # for him?

That sounds like a great idea if I can find the time to do it while she's in the shower or something. The only problem is this: Last time I installed Family Key Logger and her virus software spotted it & removed it the first time she restarted her computer. So I had to re-install it while she was away from the house and run the virus scan, let the scan find the software, and then tell virus software that the key logger should be ignored. The virus scan took about 30 minutes. So I would need about 30 minutes to install the new key logger and it would be like Mission Impossible around here. I'll look for opportunities...



We don't date per se. This has been a tough issue in our marriage. She doesn't like to go out, seriously. She even told her OM that because he kept wanting to take her out.. She likes to stay home and just talk, etc. So, in instead of out of the home dates, she prefers good conversations or watching a movie together.

Before the exposure, she seemed to be really warming up to me by having conversations (at odd times when she wasn't on the phone with idiot), watching a movie or two with me (sitting in separate chairs), and buying me little things at the grocery store (like snacks I like) to share with each other. I was her little bi#%$^ in the shadow of her OM. I hope that once OM is out of the way, we can proceed further with Plan A and meeting ENs. But right now she HATES ME AND THINKS I AM THE DEVIL. But that's part of ze' plan. BWAHAHAHAAHAAHA.

eblaster USED to be able to EVADE all virus detectors. Why not download it to your computer, save to disc, install it and then run your virus detector to see what happens? You can then disable it on your computer and install it to hers. Hopefully you have the same virus detector as her.

Why does she like to stay home? Do you think she is scared of meeting the OM? Is she embarrassed to meet him? Does she take care of her appearance?

You know, this affair is just doomed and as the OM continues to pressure her to meet him and to move out it will GET WORSE.

Wow, interesting ideas. I think that would be great if I could get MIL and FIL to call OM. They said that I could call them anytime and tell them if there is anything I would like them to do for me. I don't know if they'd do this but I am pretty sure my brother-in-law who lives near by would call OM. He's ultra-supportive. My wife would just down-play him though.

Her parents would be the key. They don't know me very well since they live out of state but they fully support me trying to save our marriage. They even said that I don't have to take this crap and feel really bad for me. They know her history.

I haven't paid the $50 yet to get OM's phone numbers and his fam #s. That was going to be phase 2 of exposure after I gauged the effects of initial exposure...

I'll consider asking MIL and FIL to call OM as part of phase 2.

Here is my phase 2 plan of exposure, BTW:

1) call OM, possibly visit in person
2) call OM's parents
3) expose to our children (this one will make her want to kill me with the blunt end of an axe)
4) show OM that WW family supports me (with forwarded emails and possibly phone call from MIL & SIL)
5) Begin contacting OM's workplace

If WW and OM think I'm crazy now, they ain't seen nothing yet.

You're a genius. That would work because we have same ant-virus software. I actually thought of that once before but it slipped my mind. Lot on my mind right now.

No No, it's nothing like that. She is a very attractive woman. She has no problems hanging out with him at his house. She was a waitress for years and just hates the restaurant scene now. She really doesn't care much for going out period. She just REALLY likes conversation with no distractions. She can talk literally all night every night with no problem whatsoever. Almost killed me trying to keep up with her. If we get to R, we'll need to find a way to resolve this issue respectfully for both of us.

Can you get these #'s from directory assistance by looking up their names?


I would suggest VISITING him in person, but do this LAST. I just wonder if he is married.....


good

'
All exposure will have this effect. But she needs to explain her adultery to her kids and why she is ripping their family apart for her "happiness." Yes, she will be mad, but she will be mad for the RIGHT REASONS, Erich. She will be mad because you will be interfering in her affair. That is GOOD for those kids.


I wouldnt forward their emails, Erich. I would do it like this, call up your inlaws and tell them that your W is up all night talking to the OM and according to emails is planning on leaving you and taking the kids to be with this internet creep. Say this------------------> "She is encouraging the OM by telling him that all your family is in support of this affair! The OM has been told he will be welcomed with open arms by you and FIL and the rest of the family! what is your ADVICE??"

And give them an opening to offer to speak to her or call him. If they don't come up with it, say: " I have been reading posts on the Marriage Builders forum and one man's MIL called up the OM and told him he would never be welcomed into their family if he broke up her DD's family with the affair. The OM dumped the WW that day! How would you feel about calling him up and telling him the truth? "

It is best to have all these exposures happen on or about the SAME DAY, Erich, in order to create a tsunami effect. This way you have to deal with ONE lovebuster and get it over with.

-- I would not forward a private email if you want continued support from the family.

-- I would take a pause on exposure here because that OM chat was SO perfect in showing they are on the way to a dead affair.

-- Obviously conversation is a big EN for her. Try to talk to her about non-relationship things whenever you can (maybe not until things calm down). Harley had us both note stuff during the day, news stories, things friends said, whatever, and used it as conversation starters at nite.

That is horrendous that you have agreed to this. This is called ENABLING THE AFFAIR. Your agreement has aided and abetted her adultery. Do you know that, Erich?

I agree with this, Erich. But I think you should gather information all week in order to do an explosive exposure at the right time. Right now these guys are in a free fall and you don't want to CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

However, you can gather phone #s [OM's parents], get your in-laws to speak to your wife and ask them to speak to OM and be prepared to launch a nuke at the right time.

IF she tells you she is spending the weekend with the OM this weekend, I would tell her that you do not agree with her adultery and how very hurtful it is. Let her know you will not participate in her adultery. I would ask her parents to CALL THE OM this weekend while they are together and have a come-to-Jesus with him. That will ruin her little pig wallering session.

Hopefully, the OM will ditch her for the weekend, but we will see. I would make plans to cause as much conflict as possible in her affair if she does go to him this weekend.

The alarming thing I see here is that you were ill advised by your previous counselor to sit by and do nothing. That has been terrible advice that has only entrenched her affair and made her lose respect for you.

Here is the thing, Erich, you want to cause as much conflict as possible in the affair. You can see how well this has worked for you so far. But, you want to do it in a way that does not interfere with their lovebusting.

So maybe sit back and play nice all week and then if she goes to see OM this weekend, express your GREAT DISPLEASURE and do a massive nuclear exposure while they are together. For example, can you imagine how ruinous it would be if his parents and her parents called there this weekend and ruined their little tryst?

But by all means, ask her parents to call HER now and express their displeasure. That is how they can help. Tell them about the possible weekend tryst and ask for their help in ruining that.

Erich, I would continue to subtly insert reality into her affair and cause conflict. For example, tell her something like this: this marriage cannot exist with 3 people in it. We cannot continue like this much longer with your adultery. it would be tragic if I was forced to file because of your affair and ask for full custody to keep our son protected from your affair partner.

This kind of talk will help kick the affair down the stairs.

No brainer. Why stay with a child watching arrangment that enables the affair ?

Tell her it is off and you are both parents every weekend.

Seriously, would full custody for your son stick?? (I'm thinking of her assaults and resultant anger management course here)

I will play nice this week, while sticking to my boundaries. WW slept pretty much all day today except to feed kids. I have know idea how her phone conversation went with OM last night while she was driving.

She's been talking to me this evening and it's been pretty civilized. No angry outbursts or anything except a little earlier she asked me to turn the internet back on or "she'll get someone involved" because she doesn't want to rely on neighbor's wireless internet. Says she needs internet for the kids--emails from school, etc. I told her previously that she could use the library...

I'll happily turn it back on if she agrees not to contact OM--I've told her that.

I did tell her that I will take her car to have the brakes fixed this Tuesday.

She's been stressing this evening about all of her other bills--personal property tax on her car, step-daughter's string lessons, other miscellaneous stuff she would usually put on the credit card. She hasn't asked me for any extra money yet, but I think she's preparing to and I will pay the stuff that is my responsibility. I'm just letting her stress about it and wait for her to come out and ask me. Reality is harsh. And I think it's hitting her.

I've been patiently listening to her and being kind. I didn't say anything smart-alec like "welcome to reality" or anything like that.

I'll find out tonight if she's still talking to OM cuz I'll either hear her typing up a storm in the next room or she'll go for a drive to make her phone call..

Erich, this is an advantage you have over the OM and I think you should play it to the hilt. Don't make her ASK, that will fuel her resentment. Go ask her if she would like the money for car tax and her DD's string lessons. If one of her top needs is financial support, this is an area where you can outshine the OM and look like the good guy.

See, they need to demonize you in order to justify their behavior. You will mess up their plans if you are the good guy.

Go in there and be the nice guy, Erich, offer her the money. "Honey, I know its time to pay DD's string lessons and the car tax, etc, etc.. would you like a check?"

On the other hand, if she brings up your "agreement" to babysit for her to accommodate her wh*ring around this weekend, I would let her know you no longer agree to this and won't go along with it. You won't cooperate in any way. But don't bring it up unless she does, because hopefully the OM will give her the boot and he can be the bad guy."

Ok, I'll offer to pay for the stuff.

She's back to being nice to me tonight but she's in the room next door chatting with OM right now. I don't know FOR SURE if it is OM, but she shut the door and is typing up a storm and doing her little pleasant laugh when he types something witty. She only shuts the door when she's typing to OM.

I definitely need to get a key logger back on her computer but she's being very careful not to give me the opportunity. She only showers when I'm not at home. Shower time is the easiest time for me to get on her computer...

It's frustrating not knowing what they're saying to each other...

I suppose this means that I will continue gathering information about OM and his family and prepare to drop the next nuke by next weekend.

I'm sorry but paying for all her stuff while she's entrenched in the A is just plain enabling and being a complete doormat.

I'm a firm beleiver in consequences and in my book this is one of them. What kind of man sits back and says "here honey, take $$$ and continue you sordid A"!

I'm all for meeting emotional needs where possible but not this one!

I agree.Sounds like doormatville to me. What does Harley say about this? This just strikes me as so wrong.