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I'll defer to Dr Harely. But, I think this is a gray area for sure.
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I'll defer to Dr Harely. But, I think this is a gray area for sure. For you. Not others, Zelmo, who have actually read the book and understand the big picture.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Correct me if I am wrong, but others on this thread have seen it as objectionable, as well. I'll double check.
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I should not have to debate MB concepts - ON MARRIAGE BUILDERS - to a newcomer who is in crisis. Zelmo, I agree with Mel on this point. The key point of financing emotional need NOT the affair has already been made. Erichh must make his own decisions.
But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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Correct me if I am wrong, but others on this thread have seen it as objectionable, as well. I'll double check. Correct me if I am wrong, but you were unable to cite a source from Dr Harley?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This is just outrageous that we cannot help this man on Marriage Builders follow MB principles because of diversions incurred by folks who have admittedly NEVER READ a single Harley book and know nothing about Plan A.
Zelmo, why would you do that to this man?
I am so disgusted about this that I am on the verge of just leaving his thread because he cannot be helped with all this debate over tried and true MB concepts........on Marriage Builders!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Folks - let's turn our attention to the problem not other posters please.
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I concede that Dr Hareley recommends meeting EN's such as FS. But, how is this different than his cutting off the internet, assuming the vehicle in question is being used in the affair(and we know it is)?
I can see that one could make the argument that food and neccessities also aid the affair in that sustenance is needed to provide calories needed to stay alive, hence engage in the affair. But, this one, the vehicle, seems to be somewhere in between the internet and food etc.
****edit****
Last edited by Dufresne; 12/08/08 02:10 AM. Reason: TOS Violation
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This website is primarily intended for discussion of MB principles. please familiarize yourself with the concepts before you giving advice!
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Okay, I'll order the book. But, I did read extensively, the articles published on the site.
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Zelmo, you just won't stop will you?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yeah, I will. It's futile.
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Hey Mel, please don't leave. I appreciate your advice. I have wholeheartedly ascribed to the MB philosophy and will follow it the best that I can.
As for the expenses. I believe paying them will meet my wife's EN. I think that my wife's access to the car is the least of my troubles. I can't control every aspect of her life. I feel good about the boundaries that I have already set. She hasn't seen OM in person for about 4 weeks now anyway so I don't think her access to car is that big of a problem in this particular situation.
I'll fight this affair in other ways. Besides, I think exposure is unraveling their affair as we speak... She didn't chat with OM as late as usual tonight and she didn't seem to be in a very good mood after she was done chatting. I really think this affair is going down the toilet quickly...
While I think everyone has made valid points, I've decided to focus on meeting ENs and further exposing the A as my strategy. Let's please put the car issue to rest and focus on further plan of attack. Thanks for everyone's advice!
I am a 32 yr old betrayed husband.
My wayward wife is 31.
Married 3.5 years.
Found out about affair when it started around 10/1/08.
Affair started as emotional via internet, then went physical.
Wife moved out on 12/27/08.
I filed for legal separation to get visitation with my son--wife countered with big D but now says she is in no hurry to finalize the D??
Currently in Plan A.
3 yr-old son.
7 yr-old step son.
11 yr-old step daughter.
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Erich, don't worry, I am not going anywhere! I am sorry for the distraction on your thread and hope we can get back to business. You are on the right track and are doing great! I suspect there was lots of lovebusting between them today. You asked earlier if exposure causes the affairees to become closer. Yes, it does initially. Sort of like the people on sinking Titantic who gathered together to try and save the sinking ship. Pretty soon they were fighting over lifeboats before the ship sank! That is what is happening to your WW and her OM. The ship is sinking. And if your W plans on meeting with her OM this weekend, you will need to launch a MAJOR NUKE, so I would get ready. Just don't bring it up, hopefully the OM will dump her again and he can be the bad guy.  p.s. can we let this thread drop and stick to your other thread? It gets confusing with 2 threads going. i can copy and paste this post over on your other thread.
Last edited by MelodyLane; 12/08/08 02:25 AM.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I presume she uses the car as a means of seeing the OM or taliking to him privately , right? I see you haven't been following his story. Have you considered reading up on his story before you give advice? Ironic,eh? Now she is using the car to drive around searching for housing.
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Their relationship started off as internet based. Move to phone/internet based. After about one month of cyber/phone, it did turn physical. She would drive to his house when kids were in bed and stay at his house until 3am or so and come home before kids woke up. She told me she was going to Walmart or to hang out with friends. My apologies to you Zelmo. I was not aware they had ever met. Try reading the thread.
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In addition to my suggestion on the other thread about NEVER letting your wife take the kids..I would STRONGLY suggest that you tell your wife it is time for her to make a choice...her OM or you. If she picks the OM tell her to pack and hit the road.
If she decides to give the marriage a try, settle for nothing less than FULL transparency and possibly even a polygraph. No contact with the OM is crucial.
IMHO, and based on a lot of time here on MB, if you continue to meet her needs while she is boinking the OM, she will show you NO RESPECT. Let her know that this behavior is no longer acceptable and you will be able to move forward...with or without her. Using Plan A on a WW has limited impact based on what I and many others have seen here. Seek out Myrev and perhaps you can get his perspective on this issue.
As for her car...do NOT pay for her transportation to visit the OM. That is just ridiculous.
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