Well WW breaks No Contact.
She rang early this morning on house phone, which does not have caller id, she would normally ring me or DD on our mobile phones which do, she said she was ringing to see if DD was up for school. I said she knew I was getting DD to school this week. She said DD had confused her last night, not sure about this.
Anyway, I told her if she wanted to speak to DD to ring her mobile phone and never to ring the house again, I then hung up.

Hi Brae.

Dr Harley says that when waywards under plan B contact the BS it is almost NEVER a benign issue. Your wife was not calling to make sure you were getting the kids off to school. It was to remain in your life because plan B forces her to face the abnormality of the life her choices have brought.

Your instinct is not your friend here Brae. Your WW is just another wayward effecting regular wayward tools and techniques to get her fix of "family" while she lays with lover boy.

Brae, mate if you're going to plan B you have to get really really serious about it. That involves caller id on every phone OR BETTER STILL a number change. Yes i KNOW thats a PITA but THAT is the level of commitment to darkness you need.

I do not think this is possible in your case. That is why I think you should drive hard for a divorce right now. I say this because:
1) Plan A will not work because your WW received a year of MB-improved Braeworth yet still jumped ship for OM at a moments notice. There is EVERY LIKELIHOOD she was in contact all year Brae. Trust me.

2) Plan B is only effective if you can make a completely dark one. Thats not possible for you for several reasons. So a broken plan B will just hurt you for as long as it is active while having no effect on you wife's affair.

3) If you drive a hard, fast divorce now your wife will have a binary choice: try to prevent the D and commit to you and your family, or let it run and de-commit fully.

She needs no plan A'ing or MB persuading after a year of such already Brae.

If she tries really hard to stop the divorce and quit all the fog you will have the choice to give her a final chance where she knows what the certain consequence is of her failing to commit.

If she DOESN'T then Brae you will realize you have a wife who basically doesn't want to be married to you. That will be hurtful, but it will save you YEARS of heartbreaking effort and vain hope that she might "turn" one day back to the marriage.

If a wife who has had a year of an MB husband still doesn't commit under threat of losing him forever, mate she is already gone except on paper.

She will try to get you to stop the D without recomitting so she gets more permission to cake-eat but you must be tough in that.

I know you don't want a divorce Brae, but would you rather have what you got now - a WW on the fence ?

Take the whip in your hand and drive events for once Brae. Make her respond to YOU.

What else will make her change her mind now when MB hasn't worked ? Hope is not a plan Brae.

Drive NOW for a dignified new start rather than an undignified limbo at your WWs whim. And it may just trigger her to recommit fully to your M.

All blessings.

Hi Bob,

I am going to talk to our phone provider today, I think I can get caller id, for a small charge. I will have to buy some new house phones.



Why do you think I cannot do a completely dark Plan B? I am not contacting WW at all. As I have said I hadn't really thought through the extra things incorporated in Plan B to make life uncomfortable for WW.

I do plan to file for D in January, I cannot afford to do it before Christmas.

If she doesn't re-commit at least I could be free from this mess by the summer

Well caller id activated on the house phones and new phones installed to show Caller id. Thats one more way of communication cut.

Bob,
I am rapidly reaching the conclusion that D is inevitable here. If I file on the grounds of adultery and WW does not contest it, it should be final by June/July. I will continue with Plan B while moving to Plan D. I do want to save my marriage but fear things have gone too far and it is probably not salvageable.

Mel,
I feel like you may be ignoring me, I am sorry if I annoyed you the other night. I have read SAA and thought I understood what Plan B was, but had not considered the other extra things to make life for the WS as difficult and uncomfortable as possible and may be I had not planned properly for these before going to Plan B. I have listened to everything you said and really do see the merits in the things you have suggested.
I am now making alternate plans for WW and DD at Christmas.
I have now made it clear to WW through intermediary that she is not allowed in our house, she must wait on the drive when collecting DD, even if I am not in. I have told DD this too.
I have arranged to work from home two days a week to reduce the number of times WW collects DD from school and have told WW that DD has to be home an hour earlier than she was bringing her back, she has to do homework and help with some household chores

braeworth,

It seems to me your plan is taking form. You are doing well.

God Bless,

JL

JL,
Thanks it took a while and several 2x4's, especially from Mel, for me to see that there is far more to Plan B than NC to protect my love bank and stop meeting EN's of WW.
I can't help thinking that my M cannot be saved but at least Plan B will help me move on, find some peace and prepare for Plan D

Braeworth,

That is certainly one of the secondary results of plan B. The BS goes through withdrawal, is allowed the peace to really examine things without as emotional turmoil, and then can make a more clear headed decision after examining the data.

But, the primary one is to slow down the withdrawals from your love bank, thus giving the WS a chance to "get it right" and the BS a chance to "think right".

God Bless,

JL

Hi Brae

Friend Mel has some life challenges of her own right now; I'm sure she isn't ignoring you.

Your outline is a good one. It will be hard for your WW to contest an adultery D when she is living with OM right now.
I love it when waywards tell judges " we're just friends m'lud: I'm in the spare room" and wonder why the judge smiles....as Metallica sang "YOU LIE SO MUCH YOU DECEIVE YOURSELF".

She will try to contest it, but hey...WS don't like a legal definition of their "soul mate" relationship as adultery.

Its a hard road before you, friend, but driving a D then detaching as best you can is well indicated at this time.

All blessings.

Bob,
Thanks, hope Mel is OK. Just thought I may have upset her the other day with my less than perfect Plan B. I appreciate everybody who tries to help on here and I do listen to everything even if it doesn't seem that way.
Thanks for finding the time Bob, I know you have some issues of your own right now

Hi Brae

Mel can be somewhat abrasive when BS seem to be diluting the right way. She kicked my butt so hard and often when i was in your shoes it still stings on cold days ! She was RIGHT however. BS instincts can muddy the clear path , and Mel is great at smacking us upside the head. Don't take it personally. One day I hope to meet her and thank her for saving my marriage. There a couple I need to do that to.

anyway...


Brae, I had come to believe that life defaulted to easy and trouble- free with occasional bouts of problems.

That was a lie.

In truth life is far more complex and paradoxical.

The trick is to not let the concurrent problems prevent you from enjoying the blessings. I'm getting pretty good at that.

I am now FAR past d-day and I have some issues that I was not expecting to have. That doesn't mean I do not also have many blessings !

You will have to walk that line between acceptance and settling too, Brae, whether divorced or recovering. what important is to get either the affair or your unrecoverable marriage ended.

THEN you can move forward.

Yes Bob, you are right, something has to give soon. I need an end to this one way or another.

As for Mel, she can kick me as often as I need it if it helps me see the wood from the trees

Not accusing you of this Brae, but myself and many other BS' have felt this :

I remember the instinct well: because you can only control YOURSELF , it is tempting to feel that if only you could choke down enough indignity, then WW might come home and you would be able to hold onto enough scraps of your old marriage to avoid a divorce.

But this is bought at the price of one's dignity, and that should be valued pretty high.

If your WW came home TOMORROW she'd be full of " I'll try" and " I can't guarantee it" and you would find yourself walking on eggshells trying not to give her an excuse to run back to om.

That is living death, Brae. Living on the back foot. Stuff that.

This way your W gets to choose: commit to M or face the consequence : divorce, poverty, limited access to the kids.

You just do the right thing for yourself and your marriage, as you have all along. But the time now is not for more hopeful patience IMO.

Be a warrior. Teach your kids how a man behaves when his patience has been mocked.

Bob,
Thanks I understand what you are saying, but I have outlined to WW what it will take for her to come back if she decides that is what she wants.
My patience is now very thin, I know they talk on here of Plan B for 6-18 months but in January I will file for divorce and see it through, it is not what I want but I don't think I have any other options left to me

braeworth, I am sorry I abandoned you! I have been reading but it seemed that everything was going ok. Glad to hear you got the caller ID! My suggestion would be to think of any other way she can get through and block it out. It is up to you to keep her out! The darker you are the more pressure you put on the affair.

BobPure, thanks for your kind words, my good friend.

Thanks Mel,
I was worried I had upset you the other day, I was listening, had not realised there was so much to Plan B. I really do appreciate your help

Thought I would give you an update. Not much happening as far as Plan B, still dark and WW sticking to my request for No Contact but WW's Aunty contacted me yesterday. She finally managed to contact WW who had gone to ground after she moved in with OM.

The gist of the conversation was the WW had told her she was still in love with me and did miis me but did not want to come home because things had been too intense in the 2-3 weeks before she left, too much arguing and talking. She is still insisting relationship with OM is now platonic.

This has got me thinking and I know I am going to take some 2x4's for this, and I think I know what everyones answer is going to be. But, I think maybe in the last 2 to 3 weeks before she left I did some serious damage to my Plan A, there were some arguments where i did some DJ's and AO's, after I found out she was contacting OM. I was wondering if I should offer her to meet her and maybe have a couple of dates with no R talk and just have fun together and remind her how things can be. I am not saying I am going to do this, just tossing ideas around in my head

No, you were in Plan A for years previous to that and showed her your best side. If she doesn't know your best side by now, she never will. Just hang in there, braeworth, and stay dark as night!

What are the Christmas plans?

And let me guess? If you had done a perfect Plan A in the last 2 weeks she would have dumped her years long affair even though a great Plan A for the years previous didn't achieve that? She is a wayward who is in an adulterous affair who needs someone to BLAME, braeworth. Its all your fault!

Yes Mel thats what I thought, I am just concerned about the DJ's and AO's over the last couple of weeks we were together. I kept catching her lying to me.

Christmas plans are WW is seeing DD on Christmas Eve for a few hours and she has also asked if she can see her for a few hours on Boxing Day, I am still thinking about that, we have plans in the afternoon but she could see her on the morning

Just if Plan B does show her what she is missing and she starts to think about returning I don't want the arguing of the last couple of weeks to stop her from doing that