Still nothing happening... I'm losing hope that I'll be able to get on with my life before this year is up. I'm going to hate celebrating New Year's still being 'married.'

I got a request from WW to cancel her TiVo service because the hard drive died and she can't use it anymore. When I called the company to request cancellation on that unit, the service rep tried to pitch me into getting a new unit, etc. When I explained to him that it was my ex's and I had no interest in buying her anything, he said 'Ah, don't worry, I know what you're talking about. I've been in the same boat.' LOL

I didn't want to thread jack so I came here to ask, why is your WW stalling?

I don't know. Possibly because it inconveniences her to actually participate in the divorce proceedings. Possibly because she knows she owes me money. I just want to get it over with so that I'm no longer in limbo.

Hey, Guy... I saw your new post in GQII. Sorry to hear things are still dragging on.

You haven't heard from her at all, right? I can see you're anxious just to get your life back on track.

Aside from the note requesting I cancel her TiVo service... no, I haven't heard from her at all.

Yes, I'm anxious to get this over with and frustrated by the slow pace. I can't fully get my life in order until this is resolved.

I understand you don't want to move on and start dating or anything until your marriage is legally dissolved. Am I correct?

You know that they recommend here not to get involved with anyone until some time has passed after the divorce, to give yourself a chance to heal. You've not had any contact with your wife since she moved away, so essentially your marriage has been over since then.

Perhaps one way to look at this prolonged divorce process is that by the time it is over, you'll have had enough time pass to be ready to move on. Does that make any sense?

Got a tipoff this morning that STBXWW was no longer listed on the staff info page of the newspaper she started at when she left last October. A call to their office got me 'Uhhh, she's no longer with the company.' Whoa. The tipster thought this may be why things are going so slow. Regardless, very shocking news.

Wow, I wonder how long that's been the case...

Google's cache of her bio dates to mid-November. And I know that one of her sisters came to visit her in October.

I assume she can't be staying in the company condo anymore.

Hey Guy,

I have read all of your posts but not posted to you much.

Out of interest, how long did it take from going into Plan B to realise that you would be just fine without your wife? I know you guys had some troubles and she LBed you bigtime, just was curious.

How long for things to normalise?

I am quite sure that I will have to Plan B my WW and I am also certain if I do, that I will never see her again. We live in Australia and OM is in England, and she has a very strong attachment to him - but she is also struggling to let me go. She has had many chances to leave me and be with him but so far she hasn't done it. Just want to know what I would be letting myself in for.

Sorry for the t/j.

CuthbertCalculus

"not to get involved with anyone until some time has passed after the divorce, to give yourself a chance to heal. You've not had any contact with your wife since she moved away, so essentially your marriage has been over since then."

Essentially no. It's not over until the Judge signs off.

"Perhaps one way to look at this prolonged divorce process is that by the time it is over, you'll have had enough time pass to be ready to move on. Does that make any sense?"

No sense or nonsense, take your pick. There has been many a poster that justified that their marriage was essentially over. They dated. Then some decided to want to recover at the elevnth hour or after the divorce.

This extra dating only caused additional baggage to be dealt with in deciding to and attempting to recover.

What is an adult?

Does an adult have to have every thing they want?

Will an adult perish with a SF dry spell?

Not to speak for CC, but I think he meant that he wouldn't have to wait the recommended two years after divorce to start dating again because he will have already had no contact with his WW for almost two years by the time his divorce goes through. I don't think he was advocating dating while BHHFSGuy is still married.

I knew I would be fine without her before going into Plan B. It's not that I preferred to be without her, but I knew I'd be OK. I think it depends a lot on the length of the marriage and how well the WS met the BS' ENs prior to the A. After I realized that mine did a poor job of meeting my ENs (and committed many LBs) my interest level fell precipitously. Within five months of her moving out, I lost all desire to remain married to her.

6-7 months after she moved out is when I knew that I was so much better off without her.

I highly recommend Plan B because you will win either way. You will either recover your marriage or yourself. It will help keep you out of the drama and let you start to see things clearly.

Thanks, Jim, that's exactly what I meant. I would never advocate dating while married... and BHHFSGuy has been keeping himself OUT of the dating pool all this time for precisely this reason, which is probably why he is so anxious to get this process over with.

Wow, and you guys had been married a long time. I have no idea what my top ENs are - my brain is too addled for me to know that right now.

I've read BHHFSGuy's whole story, and from what I can tell it is highly, highly unlikely he will decide he wants to recover. Their relationship was borderline unhealthy, and his WW has some serious problems. I'd not be surprised if she has some kind of personality disorder, and BHHFSGuy has, I think, realized that he can do much better.

I think you misunderstood. No one was advocating dating before the divorce was final.

I don't want to recover and she doesn't want to recover, so that really has no bearing.

Obviously not or I would've perished 9+ years ago. But I don't know if that qualifies as a spell.

The answer is in what BHHFSGuy said here:

The drama he speaks about is why your brain is addled in the first place. Once you are removed from it, you will finally see what you need, what you've done without all along and what you would like to strive for in the future.

"Perhaps one way to look at this prolonged divorce process is that by the time it is over, you'll have had enough time pass to be ready to move on. Does that make any sense? "

Yes, it makes nonsense. Until the divorce is final the healing can not begin. It is the last hurdle.

"he wouldn't have to wait the recommended two years after divorce to start dating again because he will have already had no contact with his WW for almost two years by the time his divorce goes through. I don't think he was advocating dating while BHHFSGuy is still married"

I have never read that it takes two years to be ready to start dating after the end of a long term relationship or marriage. I have only been informed of the one year time period.

"I've read BHHFSGuy's story... it is highly, highly unlikely he will... recover... BHHFSGuy realized that he can do much better"

It's not whether there is or is not a chance. Or whether he can do better or worse. It's about time frames that experience has shown are needed for healing. It's about how problems arise when short cuts are taken. That's why people are advised to wait a year.

We can guess that the odds are slim that a poster's marriage will be saved or fail to be saved. We can not guarantee success or failure. We have seen decisions made years after D day. This is why it's important to remind people not to put the cart in front of the horse.


Cuthbert, you claim that you did not advocate him dating before the divorce. But your last paragraph has you implying that he will not need to wait the year after his divorce. Well marriages are not criminal cases where one gets off for time served. Even it seems that an affair was a criminal act. For one was robbed.

Sorry, I've only ever heard people say 2 years here, not one. And that seems like a very unfair burden to lay on BHHFSGuy, who hasn't seen or spoken his wife for probably a year and a half, and has a divorce process that is nowhere near being finished.


Well, you brought up eleventh-hour changes of heart. Not going to happen here. So what other problems are there that would require him to wait an additional year on top of all the time he's already been seperated?


It's more than a claim, it is the plain fact. I never advocated him dating before the divorce, and I specifically made mention of the fact that he DOES NOT WANT to date before the divorce.


Yes, and I believe that is likely to be the case for him.


Neither are marriages one-size-fits-all, nor is MarriageBuilders a cookie cutter system. And its all moot anyway, as BHHFSGuy will conduct his life the way he sees fit, not the way you see fit or I see fit. If you think he needs to wait another year after his prolonged divorce - a divorce that is prolonged only because his WW is dragging her feet - than advise him so.

In that case, he will have been seperated from his wife - and I mean truly seperated, living in different cities, incommunicado, with no idea what each other are doing or how their lives are being lived - for upwards of three years. Does that sound like enough time for him to be "ready" to date? To me, it sounds like more than enough time. And I am someone who believes that most marriages can and should be saved and who rejoices when an intractable and irrecoverable marriage is reconciled.

In BHHFSGuy's case, I think he's suffered... and waited... enough.