If it's reading assignments, you can walk the dog together and they can read out loud to you. When I do yardwork, I have D18 come sit with me and read to me while I pull weeds.

I hear you, cat, that if I focus on just the "have-tos" instead of trying to get EVERYTHING done, then the solutions are easier. They are mostly writing and reading comprehension assignments. When I was a kid, homework was reinforcement stuff, like a sheet of math problems that we knew how to solve, just to practice doing it faster. Nowadays, they emphasize critical thinking, and the teachers give homework expecting that the parents are sitting alongside them.

Cat, I want to think that I can do it all, and do it all well. That I can let go of the response. That H can come home from work late every night, and I don't want ask him to come home, because I know I can handle everything on my plate the way that I "would like" to. I felt inadequate in calling H, and when he said he wasn't coming home yet, I didn't like that I asked him to reconsider, at least to help with the bedtime routine. He said he would come when he was done, and still I wasn't at acceptance, I asked him if he would come then, read DD7 a story, and then work from home instead. I don't like the consequences to the kids.

It feels like getting wrapped up into the same thinking again. Sometimes I don't like that part of myself, the frustrated part who tries to get things "just so." Like being limited to the same circumstances. Afterwards, I "get it" that it doesn't matter. That none of it matters. That everything unfolds just the way it was supposed to. That she does have a Dad, even when he's not there physically. That sometimes DD7 will have her story time with me when she prefers her dad for that. Sometimes the dog won't get as much attention as she likes. I am working to accept that, that I have preferences like this, that's okay, I can feel the preference and let it go.

Thanks for reminding me that we have tools to help us with this. Like First Things First.

Cat, I wanted to thank you for your suggestions last week, helped me look at my thinking on it, so much to do with the kids, scrambling to get everything done. This week was similarly full of work responsibilities for H, extra rehearsals for the kids for their holiday performances on top of the regular homework and projects they get. The dog looking even more to us for attention and exercise because H is working more from the office instead of from home. At least he was here this week, and we got to have coffee together in the mornings. I've been able to plan the "have-tos" and put the "want tos" aside for now instead of setting myself up for failure.

Awesome! I was just thinking about that a few minutes ago. Thinking my makeup is about to fall apart and knowing I've got tons of Estee Lauder under the cabinet (H always buys those gift with purchase things); which led me to think about that cabinet; which led me to think about all the plans I had had about cleaning out all the cabinets; which led me to remind myself that I can live with that cabinet like that and it being messy won't affect my quality of life unless I let it.

How's the rest of life going?

Oh my goodness cat, I can't believe it, like I should slap myself to see if I'm dreaming, but I don't want to wake up, so I won't.

Last night, H got home late after the kids were asleep. I didn't think H would be willing, but I wanted to ask, anyway, even though things have been Tough on H with work and the kids and travel and the dog and us. I told him that I'd like to call Steve Harley to talk about long-range planning for us, to make a plan to salvage this together, even from here. Asked him how he would feel about that. He said he was fed up, and I validated that.

Then, I read JL's post to Nowis, or maybe that was thins morning. I thought, wow, look what's possible, and I threw in the towel. When there had been more reason for me to have hope for us than ever before. When H had been going to MC with me, and we were working together finally on things we never had before, like the United Front parenting.

I thought, no use calling Steve now, alone, I messed things up beyond repair. No matter how bad a wife I'd been with the LBs during our M, at least I'd always stuck by H. And now I even took that away. Like H said, he was mistaken in thinking that I'm by him through thick and thin. But I've got to find a way to forgive myself, because beating myself up over this will make it harder to recover.


So then, today, I called H about something that could wait, to hear his voice while I still can, more than anything else. He likes when I call him every now and then, and he calls me, too, so it wasn't an LB. H steps away from what he's doing, and asks me, what did I want to call Steve about, again? I repeated, from last night, long range planning, how to rebuild together.

Cat, he said, that sounds good. He would like to talk to Steve about going to California together, as a family, this aummer. Now cat, I don't think what he's saying is, I want to go to California, so let's talk to Steve about how to make that happen. I think he's saying, I want to make this work together, I'm not fed up with you. Let's work it out.

If all along this California thing has been about finding the win-win to him, too, so that he feels like he's getting something in return for the huge changes I have asked from him, I think that it can work out somehow.

I put the request in on the Coaching page. I am SO excited. Steve is unlike talking to anyone else we've spoken to. He doesn't talk about compromises where what each person gets is short of what they wanted, but better than nothing. Somehow he finds the solutions that both people wanted that they just didn't see because they were so stuck.

The rest is going really well. The small-group bible study I'd been asked to host feel through, because the women that had signed up as interested then got involved leading a teen bible study that really took off. So they all got the opportunity to volunteer, too, and I could focus on doing well at what I already had on my plate.

I took to heart what you've said about volunteering, and have been giving more effort in my Alanon group and children's minitsry in church. I signed up to be an email mentor for an engineering student, and have a prison pen-pal. And I give blood. I had seen these as small things to do, but as I give them each more focus in the small pieces of time that they take, it does feel like I'm making a difference.

My friends and our kids are all getting together the week between Christmas and New Year in Orlando. We are really looking forward to this trip. H gets along really well with my friends' Hs, so he's looking forward to it, too, and the break from the work deadlines.

Whoever it was that posted about giving gifts to a retirement home really got me thinking. Those places must be the most lonely place on earth on Christmas day. So I'm going to find something D18 and I can make together and take to some of our local retirement homes as gifts. That would be a great thing to do with your daughters.

Cat, my mom is a nurse at an ALF, and I can tell you, they LOVE getting these visits. I don't remember, does your DD18 play an instrument? These folks are so generous with praise. My kids get a ton of stuffed animals as gifts, so my mom brings the extras to work with her, and the folks love it. They also love all those great smelling Bath and Body Works type of things everyone gives when you're already all set with it. I haven't been myself for a year now, my mom works 45 minutes away from us now. But that's a great idea, to go by with gifts. I had suggested it to the girl scout troop, too, and they are considering it.

She's an awesome piano player. I tried taking her to one a long time ago, she was about 8 or 9, and it was a bad experience; she's never wanted to go back. But she needs volunteer hours for college, so I'll work on it. Thanks for the ideas, though. I bet I could get a lot of low-price bath stuff at a discount store, and make up some gift packages.

Cat, I remember now, you guys taking your DD to piano lessons. I think the homes all have pianos. I'm so sorry that she had a bad experience before.

My mom used to work for a big Catholic nursing home down here, and for years they had all kinds of events for the employees to bring their families to. Like Santa would come in with a sleigh, or the easter bunny would come and we'd have an Easter Egg hunt. And they used to let us stay there for hurricanes, too, when my mom had to work, because they had generator power there. So we kind of grew up there. My brother used to volunteer as Activity Director; he met the nicest girls that way Thanks for bringing up all these memories. I'm really looking forward to going down to visit now.

I got the appointment with Steve set up, for Thursday, and was so excited. Yesterday, H says h's not going to join the call anymore. He's done with counseling. That he meant what he said when he said it, but he sees that things are moving further away from what he wanted, not closer. It didn't feel like a huge let-down. Not my decision to own. I'm going to keep the appointment, and am looking forward to it.

I didn't need to come down on myself that hard earlier this week, and I think that may not be the only time that I would second-guess a decision that big.

I'm so glad you are going to talk to Steve!

I've been busy this past week, H has too and so I was mostly a single parent again. Sorry I haven't been around. I started a post yesterday and in the middle of it got busy doing other stuff and when I came back it was lost. Anyway, after church I'll try to catch up with ppl. I just wanted to drop you a quick line saying I'm very very glad you're going to talk to Steve!

Thanks for popping in, jayne! I hope your schedule lightens up at some point!

I haven't had time, either. We're almost done painting the kitchen!

It sounds like real progress, though, for you to be ok with him saying that and not taking it personally. That IS a good step forward. I wish it was a different outcome, but this shows you'll be ok in the end, no matter how it ends.

I'm still half convinced anyway that, once he goes out there, he'll realize it was a false payoff. So many people create this dream in their lives of what 'could' be, and if they finally chuck everything to accomplish it, they often realize it was just a fantasy. You never know.

Cat, you may be right on the whole moving thing. I have been getting a lot of practice for some time now with the loving detachment, and relieved to find out that I'm still okay. Not just in my marriage, but on the job and with my parents, too.

I think that it was a lot easier for me with my parents, because I always saw them as "on my side." With H, I think it was that State of Conflict, it felt like we were enemies locked in battle. I think we've changed that around for the most part, with this last round of MC. But then I wasn't patient to see where we would get together.

Edited to add: I still don't feel patient, to see where we would get together. Even my beliefs, I still struggle with that thinking that H is "on the opposing side". But I'm thinking that if I choose different beliefs and actions, that those feelings will change, too. And if I'm mistaken, it'll get more obvious.

I'm really looking forward to our appointment with Steve tomorrow. I didn't ask H a bunch of times if he would reconsider joining the call. I remembered what Jayne had said about asking 3 times, and then dropping it, so it doesn't become an SD. That rung really true for me when she said that. This morning, H said that he thought that I was being nice to him so that he'd join that call tomorrow, so I see that he does hear me and remember what I said. I didn't need to repeat it. With that as my opening, I asked H, what would it take to be enthusistic about joining the call, and he asked, what is this call about again?

I explained that it was about long range planning. That we are talking about separating, and I want to be clear on what we want to look for before reconciling at that point. Because there are things that both of us did before the counseling we went to that we've cut out for a short time now, but we need a plan to eliminate long term. H was honest that he's been making an effort not to keep beer in the house, for example, because he doesn't want to make a problem, but that is short term, not long term. He wants to feel like he can go at any time and pick up a 6 pack or a 12 pack, and he won't hear anything from me. Likewise, I've cut out the yelling, but he wants to know that it is gone for good.

I also wanted to ask Steve about going dark in our situation. I can see situations where going dark is clearly appropriate, like infidelity or domestic violence. I don't think being dark is as relevant here, because I think it would be important to coparent together, but I wanted to ask.

Just for today, he said that he is willing about joining the call tomorrow. I hope that he joins, so Steve can get his input, too.

Sounds like things are halfway hopeful. Good luck!

Thanks, cat. I was feeling a little guilty about the not being happy about him drinking. Because many of my friends in Alanon are still married to their spouses, and have great lives, in much more trying situations. Yet they are so happy in their lives. They get the needs their spouse can't meet elsewhere, and accept that some needs just are not going to be met at all, like SF.

Part of me wishes I was that detached, where I really "got it" that none of this is required to be happy. And I do get that on some level. If H instead had heart disease, and refused to get it treated, and went to bed early because it made him tired most nights of the week, would I separate over that? Maybe not, I don't know.

But mostly I'm so relieved that this won't be my problem anymore. Which is isn't now, to some extent, but I was still working with the consequences pretty often.