Depends how you define dating. I am specifically talking about getting re-married or into a long term relationship quickly.

I'm basing it on what MANY psychs say in the many books I have read as well as what I have read and heard here.

I have no axe to grind here. I have no dog in this fight.

Kids are not involved in every divorce situation. Obviously, they complicate things when it comes to dating.

This is exactly where I am coming from as well.

kind of hard to do without dating someone.

if you had said MANY in the first place, I might have agreed with you. What you actually said was...

Ditto!

I wish every good man and woman here, a long and happy life, complete with true love, if they so desire.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Well your Psychologist is the first one I have EVER heard of who would disagree. But as you say, many or most (can't remenber your exact word) of them are crackpots so who knows!

since you have read MANY books about this, I am sure you can cite MANY sources where it is a hard and fast rule to wait years after divorce before dating again. I think i am pretty well read and can't remember reading anyone other than Dr. H that was so firm about this.

And I said MOST.

here's another PhD level psychologist and relationship coach that talks about how individuals are ready at different times.

http://themodernwomansdivorceguide.com/features/datingafterdivorce.php

here's one that suggests a longer waiting period is good for those that need it...

they cite doctors as well...no hard and fast rule (although a year seems to be accepted).


http://divorceadviceweb.com/dating-after-divorce.php

There are those who would say that taking you WS back after they emotionally raped you with their infidelity is another 'rape' waiting to happen.

Everyone is different, enough with the generalisations. Whats good for the goose isn't good for the gander. Each to their own.

Miss a year or two of meals or sex? Life and happiness is alot more then just that.

I am not sure what is more depressing, knowing that I am failing at plan A while WW continues A with OM and wanting to jump to plan D any moment, or knowing that most people are saying to wait years. been together 7.5, so math is like wait 3 years to start a relationship from right now (now till D then 2 years). Takes what maybe 2 years to blossom assuming you find someone wonderful? Talking about 5-6 years out from when I could consider starting to have kids (yes, 34, no kids and wanted them now, hell would have been happy to have them 5-10 years ago). I guess in 3 years I should be looking for a younger woman like -10 years lol. This stuff gets harder and harder the more i think about it. It makes my head or heart to explode. i am not sure which one first.

I missed a few pages of this thread, but has anyone defined "dating" yet?

Of course it's a bad idea to jump into another long-term relationship right after a divorce, but dating includes much more than just one-on-one, committed relationships.

If I become single for any reason, I'll be enjoying the company of women as soon as I can find some. No, there won't be any serious relationships and yes, they will know that going in.

I think we are all in some kind of "fog" regardless of our situations. Like any other aspect of life, the people involved never see things as clearly as the people looking in from the outside. It's where we get the saying "can't see the forest for the trees."

Who's to say what's right or wrong for someone else? Who's to say how long to wait is healthy? My xMIL pined away for her xWH for the rest of her life until she died 30-some years later. Was that healthy?

I think some of us have a different idea of dating as well - which makes sense since most of us have been out of the dating world for some time. I've read here that dating is a interview for marriage. Sometimes it is, but not necessarily. You actually can go somewhere with someone of the opposite sex for the purpose of enjoying the place you went with company. When I went to the Jazz Festival, it was to enjoy the music and atmosphere. My date was there for the same reason. Just because we enjoyed it together doesn't mean we're picking out china patterns.

I'm glad this thread was bumped up.

I've been posting here for several years, and can tell you that many, many MB people ignored the waiting period advice and got remarried.

I think that is why many no longer post about their recovery - because they have found someone else. I can't count the number of people who jumped to another relationship, and lots of them got married. But when they post it here, they are urged not to do it.

When you think about it, after learning the MB plans, many would make great spouses. And I've seen many BS's get snapped up very shortly after the unwanted divorce.

88life

Time that you can't get back seems to bother you. Then stop dillydallying.

Your 34. If you can't handle plan A then stop and go plan B.
One does not have to go six months if they find it to hard. There have been BH's that did a short plan A then went to plan B. For many a WW will not respond until they are faced with NC with their BH.

Do plan B now. In six months file for divorce. If you worry about having to be separated for a year before you divorce. Do plan B and legal sep at the same time. If WW does not want to come back you have only spent one year from today. You'll be 35.

After one year post D at 36 one is young enough to find a girl and start a family. You meet her, married her at 37. Your education I assume is done and you are established in a career. You will be in a finacial position to have kids right away.

Fisrt kid at age 38. Twentt two years later F1 is out of college and you are 60. And, your not even old enough for early social security.

We only here about the one's that have problems.

We never here about the one's that never come here because they do not want to hear the I told you so's that they should of waited to date.

"And I've seen many BS's get snapped up very shortly after the unwanted divorce."

I've seen many people BS's and WS's coming here with their 2nd 3rd etc... marriages with problems in their latest marriage that did not wait before they hitched. They dated to soon, married again to soon.

Not to mention the bus load of people trying to recover their marriages made extremely difficult not just by revenge affairs but by dating while they were legally separated. No dating until divored. You are still married.

And to what is dating?

Going out with a friend or group of friends, to see a movie, hobby, museum, lunch, platonic. Yes you have to live life and have fun. Day time activities.

Enjoying oneself with others is ok, but the platonic line must not be crossed during the one year period after divorce. You need to have this grieving period to heal so you will be ready to have a healthy relationship.

Burying youself in some mindless sex is not how one heals no matter how much fun it is. As in the word burying. No wound will heal unless it is cleaned out. The old infected emotions must be removed. Burying them under new ones does not get rid of them.

Would you build a new house on a foundation that is broken?

Never put the cart in front of the horse.

That sounds like a great plan TheRoad, but there are way too many variables that are not under anyone's control. The WS can stall the D and hold it up for years. The courts themselves can take time. 88life could be 38 or older before THAT even goes through. How many people here are years into the D process? Then you are assuming she'll meet her next future H almost immediately after she begins dating.

Rather than speed up the D process so you can "date" as soon as possible, take the time to do what you have to do at each step along the way. That might include fighting for your M which is why most BS's come here in the first place. It's not an either/or situation. And the prize is not to be married to somebody - either the WS or someone new - before your biological clock runs out. It hurts to lose a child you never had - for whatever crazy reason, this was the first thought I had when WstbxH asked for a D (despite DS being grown in college) - believe me I understand this grief. But THAT is not a reason to date or get remarried quickly either.