Yes there are, in mind, body and spirit.

I'm grateful I am not among them for the most part.

I'm also glad your mom is ok today. It's cold for sure, and icy, but not much moisture...

Here in the last week I think I've had a little bit of a breakthrough... I'm starting to be less anxious. I'm starting to learn how to be content.

I've also learned a secret about myself and how to not let words or actions make me angry. I still need to work on it. But it's part of my breakthrough.

Thanks for asking.

Good for you Amazin, this is awesome.

Keep up the great work and commitment to moving foward. You are doing awesome...

I could use this book right now - do you have a title?

Here it is, Kayla. From what I could gather in the review, the contributors are based in Europe, so I'm, not sure whether the book will be published for the North American or other markets.

That book is available on Amazon for $11.92 - and it sounds very interesting. I'm all into simplifying and living with less.

The Chaplin at the base offered Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University last summer.

I took the course and it's made a huge difference in my finances.

I've been able to pay off a lot of debt since July.

Because of that course I became determined. I started being frugal. I started living within my means and I'm content with less. It's made a big diffence.

I've heard lots of good things about Dave Ramsey. Sounds like you are doing a GREAT job!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for setting up this thread, KA. I'm relatively new to the boards and haven't had much to say on a personal thread - because as you say, there's not much going on in Plan B. I've been there since Nov. 9. It is still amazing to me how traumatized I am - flashbacks, nightmares, disrupted sleep, disrupted diet, mood swings, exaggerated startle response. I was raped when I was 14. This really does feel like that - but worse, because this was someone who took a vow to love and protect me.

There was SO MUCH fog - and I was starting to buy into it at the end of my Plan A...to become conflict avoidant just to deal with my burgeoning anxiety...he was SO emotionally abusive. I knew he was capable of that in the past, but it was a complete shock when it was turned on me in the here and now. (He "ended" his first marriage with adultery, also, also while drinking.) In a way, knowing that is helpful now that I'm in Plan B. Plan B and my knowledge of his history have allowed the fog that was invading my brain to dissipate somewhat and to start to see all of this for what it is - the "easy way out" for someone who is focused on making sure that he feels good, rather than on commitment; who is driven by fear of relapse rather than focusing on and committing to alcohol recovery; and someone who has a tremendous sense of entitlement rather than take stock of his life, and challenge himself to accept responsibility and to CHANGE.

WH has honored the conditions of the PB letter, for which I am both grateful and sad - grateful, because I become VERY anxious at the thought of unanticipated contact with him, even in the form of a letter - sad, because part of me wishes that he would reach out...but that is really part of a fantasy that he would suddenly come to his senses. He did just send an email to my IM, letting her know that my name is misspelled on the divorce filing..."just wanted me to know", she said. I really didn't know what to make of that - I'm sure I'll catch it on the final set of papers so am not sure why he wanted to contact her about that. It seems a very minor thing - I'd even say an excuse - on the other hand he might want to be sure that no simple clerical error gets in the way of what he expects to be his "get out of jail at very little cost" card (NOT gonna happen, but WS entitlement is an amazing thing.)

I just went back and reread this...and it is EXACTLY what I DON'T want to be doing - that is, thinking about him, what he might be doing or thinking about all of this. I'm tempted to delete it but will leave it here to remind me that I don't want to stay focused on this.

OK - so here's what I'm doing FOR ME. I own a business, and I'm working hard at it. I also have friends I'm reaching out to. I celebrate Hannukah, most of my friends celebrate Christmas, and my H and 4 adult stepchildren do too. I called my best friend a month ago and asked if I could travel there for Christmas/Hannukah, and if I could do some cooking/baking when there, because that's such a big part of the holiday season for me. She welcomed me and has encouraged me to come ahead. (She is also my IM). I'm looking forward to it but am also scared of this first holiday without my family. But...I'm putting together gifts for my adult stepkids (I was "second mom" for 8 years; we are still close) and am putting them in the mail to their houses, not my H's home (which was my home until I separated from him and moved to another city.) My youngest is still at his house, so will send that there...but in particular do not want presents from me under the tree there. I'm gone, and that needs to be a real thing for him, and for me.

I'm starting to go back to the gym and am trying to eat better and get my sleep re-regulated (a real challenge.) I'm definitely in the one-day-at-a-time phase...and am in a 12 step group, which is a great bunch of no-b.s., in-your-face folks - just what I wanted and needed.

None of these are particularly "ah-ha" moments; nor are they major accomplishments. But some days just getting through feels like a major accomplishment!

It helps to read how others are working through their own processes...this is such a great resource. Thanks for being there.

Hi miriam,

Well, we have that in common with our WS's. I found out after the major exposure. I told the kids they could tell their mom if they wanted.

Next thing I know they are telling me she wants to talk and we've been talking ever since!! LOL!!

Yeah, mine used to tell me that his XW would always ask him if he was cheating and that she asked him one time too many and he had to leave because she was stressing him out.

Well, I GUESS SO! Since it was TRUE!!

Mine didn't contact my IM much either but he did try to use the PBL against me in court. Judge didn't buy it.

I wouldn't put much stock in him correcting your name. He's probably just trying to goose you through your IM. Playing: "Warped WS Mind Games." (Hey! There's a good thread title! )

You're doing great and the dreams will get better the longer you are in your dark Plan B. As you regain yourself and your personal power, this will be reflected in your dreams.

Take care,

Charlotte

Wow, Miriram, our timelines are very similar, but I could not have done a Plan A as long as you did! No wonder your symptoms are so strong!
Affairs are so traumatizing and since I went into Plan B, a lot of the thoughts and nightmares, etc have escalated, although my day to day is a lot calmer.
Please keep posting -- there are quite a few of us here in PB and it can be pretty hard during the holidays!
BF439

Me: BS 38
WH: 40
Kids: 12,11,4
Dday: 6/30/08 and fully, 10/25/08
currently rockin' Plan B (not really, but doesn't that sound good?!)

Miriam - Good job on reaching out to your friend. It might be hard this time of year, but that is what really helped me.

I told neighbors, friends, workmates, EVERYONE, that I needed to get out and do ANYTHING.

G-d I understand this so well.

I think this is one of the HARDEST parts of Plan B. Keeping ourselves from the drama of the WH and the A. At least it was for me. Partly, we are used to it and it becomes our "normal" and mostly because if we keep involved then maybe there is something we can "do" to bring them home or end the A. Sadly it only hurts us in the end.

I celebrate Hanukkah too. We can help each other through this holiday.

Miriam, you are doing awesome. You truly are. I see myself in you many months ago and you are just moving so well along. Good for you. The stuff you are doing for yourself. INCREDIBLE.... How you are reaching out to build a life and ask your friends for help. That's so important.

MB truly saved my life last year during this time. It's so hard. Please keep posting, coming here, sharing your feelings and know that you are moving and doing AMAZING...

:happyhanukkah:

Queenie - Miriam - I'm glad you two were able to link up here at the cafe. Faith is a big part of our Plan B recovery menu!

When I went to Plan B 12.5 years ago (before Harley wrote about it) I had a sponsor in an anon group (spouses of addicts recovery forum). She was awesome at getting me to focus on my own work of recovery rather than bemoaning my husband's bad behavior (the addiction and anger was unlivable - he hadn't had his EA yet). That's actually why I opened this cafe - because we have plenty of work to do and we get much further focusing on that, than what we are powerless to fix by giving it our attention.

I see some great books being set out on the shelves and some left open on the tables.

One really good book I've been picking up and reading a page or two and pondering for the day is "Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill.

Tying in to what my sponsor taught me - I needed to learn to focus on what I wanted, independent of my marriage - what kind of person I wanted to be, what kind of lifestyle I wanted to live. Those kind of things I could choose without my husband having to change a thing.

So Chapter 1 is about how "thoughts are things". Since I work in the periphery of the stock market, I can attest that this is true. Chapter 2 talks about a burning desire for something. Well, since G*d has moved our husbands out of our way, there must be something closer to us (like ourselves) he wants us to have a burning desire about - like becoming more aligned with Him.

Hill uses "riches" or "money" as the example, but you could substitute anything...

So here's my example tonight of what I'm working on (6 steps that turn desires into gold) in chapter 2:
So - what is ___________ for you? (remember, nothing about the marriage in Plan B)

I'll go first.

Here's my clear concise statement:

How about it folks? What is your strong desire to work on within yourself - not a laundry list - just the most pressing?

(Kayla now spreading out the deliciously flavored herbal teas near the coffee machine's hot water spigot).

I think I read "Think and Grow Rich" a long time ago. Maybe when I was in high school.

My brother in law gave it too me. I can't remember if this quote was in that book or one of Dale Carnegie's books.

"Whatever the mind of man can concieve and believe it can achieve."

I read another book recently that talks about the power of the tongue and how if we profess the positive we can change things. But mainly you change yourself from having negative self talk to positive self talk and positive thoughts.

After reading and re-reading here I think one of my big problems in plan B is that I'm still focused on my WW and the marriage. Like I said it's hard for me not to focus on it because of her close proximity to me, the affair is always in my face. If I could move I would but I'm stuck. Thus... I keep worrying about the affair and impending divorce etc.... Not good.

I need to change my focus from her to me. And it needs to be a positive focus on myself.

Is that the idea here?

Charlotte -

In what way did your WH try to use your PBL against you in court?

One of the things I've occasionally worried about is that, early on in the discovery phase and before I found MB, I did the oh-so-typical routine of blaming myself, promising to change, etc., side-by-side with confronting him (not nasty, but firm) about his behavior and addiction(s). I figured out early on that these communications were more likely to be taken in when in writing so I wrote alot of stuff - topped off by a list of sins that I confessed and asked forgiveness for that I wrote for him on Yom Kippur. It was a very honest list, and I included with it a prayer for G-d to remain close to him - and on a personal level I don't regret it at all; it was one of the most loving things I did during my Plan A. The "sins" here were things like having focused too much on work and not enough on the marriage; of deferring his happiness along with mine; - oh, and of enabling his alcoholism by not having drawn a firm line in the sand a year earlier and making it clear I would leave if he didn't get treatment.

However. My lawyer was displeased when I told him about it and I realized immediately upon his response that it was probably also the most spectacularly stupid thing I did during my Plan A. He was none too pleased about some of the other things I wrote - although I told him that there were also plenty of things I wrote that my H wouldn't want revealed in a courtroom, should it come to that.

So here's my question - and I know most folks here aren't attorneys - how likely are judges to fall for this sort of stuff? I mean, there's nothing in the letters that suggests I did things like spending money on affairs, lying to your spouse, drinking in secret, etc. - cuz I didn't. They were more on the emotional end of things - but I was never abusive, just enabled alot more than I should have while at the same time throwing myself more into work as he began drinking more (and vice versa; these are always intricate dances between spouses).

Were I a judge, my own response would be that I'd see anything written in the larger context of what was going on in the marriage - but I also know that judges are people too, with their own biases.

And I'm still really curious how someone would try to use a PBL letter. To do what?

Sorry about your WS and the earlier adultery. Wish I could claim I didn't know, but I did. It had been 20 years earlier - we met when he had been divorced for 18 years, married at his 20 year mark and my 8 year mark... oh, and my previous spouse ended our marriage the same way. Both had a previous history of alcoholism, both had been sober for some years before re-marrying....

And just in case ya'll think I'm not paying attention - YES, YES, YES I see the pattern and understand that this ACOA has alot of work to do - again/still/always...all I can say in my own defense is, ya' should have seen me in my 20's!

Thanks also for the encouragement about the dreams...last couple of nights I've slept better than I have since going into Plan B - 'course, have exercised both days, too...nice to know there's hope!

- M

Hi, Queenie:

Nice to see another MOT!! - (stands for Member of the Tribe) - thanks for the encouragement. I've read your thread alot - and Charlotte's - great inspiration to those just starting out. I wonder if you know the example you have created of your life, for others.

The last couple of days have been both high and low, pretty intensely - hours of crying on Saturday after services and then exercise that night and a reasonable sleep; cooked for myself yesterday and ate well for a change (frozen food is really really salty - yuch!! - and nearly sacrilege for someone who has been eating roughly 70% organic for the past several years); sent out a bunch of Heifer International cards today to family members (I bought a couple of goats in lieu of lots of gifts - not much money right now and I figured it should go places it would really do some good - if you don't know that organization, take a sec to look them up on the web - they do fantastic work).

Was doing well last night - exercised again in the early evening and then started planning meals for the week but lost it again when thinking about the usual tradition of frying latkes and not having anyone to do them for this year. After crying for a while I called to ask my friend (the one I'm headed to on the 23rd) how latkes would fit into their holiday meal... turns out they love them and don't know how to make them!

:happyhanukkah:

Re-reading my own post - no such thing as "just enabled more than I should have". Therein lies the crux of alot of my need for self-improvement...

- M

My day to day is calmer, too, when I am calmer...

I believe that the nightmares, anxiety attacks, moments of confusion (the "where am I in time?" feeling - when you start to respond to something as though you are pre-DDay), and the I-can't-concentrate-on-work-to-save-my-life state - will become progressively less intense (with the occasional setback). I know that from previous traumas and from the lives of others. It's the hair-trigger thing - the errant thought that leads to 2-3 hours of quiet, intermittent crying - that is really bugging me. Knowing me, exercise really does and will help. I've been to the gym 3 days in a row now and am going to try to make it 4 tomorrow.

Hang in there, BF. I do have moments of peace. Real peace. And I'm looking for more.

- M

You are very welcome, Miss fellow MOT. LOL

Good for you, this is the MOST AWESOME organization. I learned about it a few years ago and have always admired it. Such a mitzvah....

This is part of the process that we have to go. It gets better, I PROMISE you. I DIDN'T believe that, but it has....

You really are doing amazing. Feeling those feelings both good and bad, allowing the bad to just be there and looking for solutions and yet still allowing the good part of life to be there for you.

It's important for you to keep having as much normalcy as possible. It helps you build a new life.

As you read my thread, you know I fought this every step of the way. It's like I couldn't allow myself to move forward without him. Patiently, everyone told me to keep moving.

You are doing so good. I KNOW how hard it is. And I'm glad your reading Charlotte's thread. She has so much strength, I just admire her so much.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Miriam}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

:happyhanukkah: