Believer,
I think he's short-tempered. And he gets irritated easily with my mom.

It always seemed like they got along so well.

I don't know, Lexxxy. I tend to think that he might have been abusive to her. You wouldn't necessarily know, and he is not likely to tell you the truth.

Has he been married before?

Here's an analysis. My thoughts are in red. Hers takes more, because there are some deceptions. The email from the man in this situation - it was clean.



Hi X,
I just want to let you know what's going on. I'm not sure if you talked to S or not but on Wednesday night I left. I'm okay now, I'm in a safe place.
I'm okay now - this is to hint to you that she was not okay before, and to set up the concept that you should have been worried about her. She wants to color the email to the point of view that the reader should be worried for her - and this statement makes the assumption that you already ARE worried, therefore that set-up is not only made, it is assumed that you will follow through on it.

I'm really sorry to be telling you all this, but I think I did the right thing.
She knows she did the right thing. The tone of the entire letter, with few exceptions (to be noted) is one of almost apology. She does not want to hurt you, but there are undertones of uncertainty of her future relationship with you. Watch how she waxes and wanes with her sureness of how she thinks you feel about her. Note in paragraph one she starts out with being "confident" that you will be concerned about her.

After I got home from work on Wednesday, S let me know I left the water on outside when really it was him, I just admitted it because it was my responsibility to water the plants. So of course he started yelling at me. The words "of course" here are meant to tell you that this is the usual case - that he yells often and she pretty much expects it. Here she takes the tone that you sympathize with her.

He yelled at me the day before for not telling him what was for supper. So that made him even more mad. This is the part you are not familiar with.
Tone change - she wants to take you into her confidence, to tell you inner secrets about the marriage.

He yelled so loud he scared the cat, he pounds his fists on the table and knocked his water on the floor, screamed at me to clean it up and as I am on my hands and knees cleaning it up he kicks me over and starts stomping on me saying "what do you got to say know you f***ing idiot!!?", so I got up off the floor and left. I find the verb tense changes interesting. This shows she is still confused about the events, still may be shaken up over what happened. It can also mean she is a crummy writer. I would need more samples to be sure - I attribute it to some psychological things - the idea that "he pounds the table" probably means it happens often.

I left everything, and I'm not looking back. Mood change - confident, strong.

I'll be honest with you, this wasn't the first time, and if I stayed it wouldn't have been the last. Change of tone - she is again telling you secrets, but this time from the stance of being a "wiser person". This sentence is well grounded, and too direct to be an attempt to divert or lie. I believe this is fact.

Normally I would have gotten up and apologized and tried to make him feel better. The word "normally" here tells you that this is repeat behavior. The concept that she would have apologized is actually typical for abused spouses. This is likely a true statement. It is also in the direct form, again likely true and not an attempt at deception.

Well his anger problem has gotten a lot worse. The screaming was getting to be daily. This is the sentence that I do not like. I think this is an exaggeration - and she is attempting to justify herself some. She didn't need to add this.


I have thought about running away for a long time. Probably fact.


And honestly X, S has not (really) worked for five or more years. He either sits at home or works out. You know this is true.

When we were in XXX he didn't pay rent after he lost his job, so imagine the mortgage payments. No wonder we almost lost the house.
Additional justification. Here, her mood has changed again, as she becomes unsure of this reason for leaving. She knows this is a fact, but she realizes that this has been the case for awhile - and is the weaker argument for leaving. She is not sure about this section of her letter, so it gets longer, and the justification is less direct, and you see more reasons added here. Compare it to the abuse section above. She has trouble believing herself here. This is why YOU have trouble believing this part, too. I have financially supported him pretty much the whole time. Things weren't changing here and I just kept hoping they would. "Well, maybe this week he'll get a job, or this month, well maybe this will be the YEAR he'll finally find some work." Those were my hopes. Well, I really wanted things to work but do you think that is how I should live? Worrying about if he's mad or if he'll start working? I don't want to be scared anymore.

I really love you guys and I appreciate everything you've ever done for me, maybe that's why I put up with things for so long.
She is trying to figure out why she stayed in an abusive relationship for as long as she did. Since you've reported there were others in her past, she has work to do on this. Maybe your family is part of the reason she stayed - she might be on track. Who knows.

I don't want him to know where I am, and I don't know if I even want you mentioning this letter. She is honest here - she isn't sure. Tone change again, because she is questioning whether she should or shouldn't let him know where she is. Part of her wants him to contact her, but she doesn't want to be the one to tell him. So, she says, "I don't know if I want YOU mentioning" the letter. That way, if you do mention it, SHE DIDN'T tell him, right????

He's tried to contact me but I don't want to go back, ever. I'll keep in touch with you if it's alright.
"If it's alright." Again, she has changed her mood. She isn't sure whether or not you are on her side, so now she is asking for a return email so she can feel you out on where you stand.

I love you both very much.
-J


And.... this is the second e-mail I got and the last time I heard from her
.

Hey X,
You were right, he checked my mail, so I changed my password. She knew he would. She left it alone so she could check on him checking on her. Sort of looking back to see if he was following her......because she wasn't exactly sure if she was ready to let go, or if she needed to repeat the pattern or not.

I'm okay in a safe place, not in Florida.
Said for his benefit. I do not believe her.
After I left, because I was scared, I immediately quit my job. I knew it wouldn't be safe to stay there so I left the state.



I'm pretty sure that S never did steroids. But he has done many drugs in his life. Since I have known him, he has just done marijuana, which I hate.
I'm not sure about this one, either. I think I do not believe two parts. I do not believe he has just done marijuana, and I do not believe she hates it. This statement reads wrong to me, and I cannot put my finger on why this is. It is written differently from her other sentences with subordinate clauses, and this is inconsistent. Bugs me, and that leads me to disbelief. I have no real reason except that.

Well, I'm not going back. I'll be okay, I know if I go back to X that I can go back to (workplace). Or anywhere, I can do any job. My parents know where I am, I call them daily. I'll keep in touch with you as long as I can get to the Internet. I love you guys and I just feel so bad. This is her guilt coming into play. She does have a level of guilt for her role in the mess, and for having to let go of the family. There is also her knowing she is cutting you all loose for good, and soon NC. I'll talk to you later.

Hope this helps. Overall, she is fairly honest. She is confused, but that is understandable given that she is leaving her husband. I don't believe she is where she says she is. Also, I do believe she has been physically abused and that the relationship had a great deal of turmoil and more abuse than your brother reports.

I'm no Schoolbus, but both the college kid's email and J's emails rang true for me. Sorry, Lexxy.

How do you know there was an affair? The baby, if it isn't your brother's, could be from someone other than the college kid.

Schoolbus, what about beginning a sentence with "I'll be honest with you.."
???

I thought that was considered a classic lead-in to a lie. What is different in this situation? I'm not saying I disagree with you necessarily, but I am fascinated with speech analysis, and am wondering about this particular point.

Schoolbus -- Thank you so very much.

I wish she had said something. I wish we could have helped her.
I appreciate your analysis. There were just some phrases and wording that seemed awkward and didn't come across right.

However, I am inclined to believe that my brother was abusing her. Probably verbally, and at least on this instance physically. I hope we can get him some help.


SDGuy -- When they moved to FL they only had each other. They didn't have any friends or family there. J met this guy at work. She had no girlfriends. S didn't even know about this guy.

Plus -- Given the timing of when she got pregnant and the fact that she was traveling with this particular boy at that time...its fairly certain that he's the daddy.

Ah, yeah. Misread the dates. Another mess with no winners. Like I said, sorry. . . .

I think that she had an affair. That the OM is the dad. I think that the college boy is only being honest when he can state something that will not cast him in a da light. Such as admitting he is the OM who knocked up the WW.

Their could be one chance that WW did not tell OM that she is pregnant. But that does not matter much in the grand scheme of things here.

I think J could be a skilled liar hoping to demonize S to his family as a final FU. It could be that S is an abuser but J gave birth to another man's baby which she hasn't bothered to mention...why hasn't she mentioned her baby? Could it be that people would know she was a slut and a liar?

I can't tell if the college boy and J are telling the truth or not. If S abused her she did the right thing to leave.

But I still wonder about the baby. What is the scenario? J leaves her husband after being abused and mistreated. She runs away with a college boy and gets pregnant basically the same week? With who? And why doesn’t she mention her baby?

TheRoad: My brother was the last to believe that she was having an affair. In those early days he didn't want to think anything bad of her, and he outright rejected any thoughts of an affair.
But then you find the evidence...cell phone calls, OM was in her email directory (no emails found...all deleted...)

I think until he heard about this baby, he still hadn't accepted it.

Raven: I've had the same suspicions you mention. She could be that crafty and devious. She cheated on a previous boyfriend, and when he tried to work things out she did this same thing. Cut off all contact and refused to talk to him. So this bad behaviour is a pattern.

Why: Strange scenario isn't it? And she's dragging her feet on the divorce. These two have absolutly nothing of value and yet are spending THOUSANDS getting divorced.

I can believe that my brother was verbally abusive. But I tend to believe his story that it was only physical that one time. She only references that one time in her letter -- she says there were other times, but gives no specifics like she does for the day she left.

I tend to think she had the affair, used this as a smokescreen for leaving -- but the affair was the real reason.

I think she had baby-fever. She wanted a baby and knew my brother did not want more kids. OM came along and suddenly she saw another life. Left, blaming his abuse. Instantly got pregnant and there she is.

I think OM must feel trapped by this point. Here he knows this woman for a couple months, ends up "rescuing" her from her abusive husband and now is trapped for 18 years being daddy to this baby she wanted....

When I read the email from the college boy I got a feeling that he is not the father of the baby or at least that he doesn’t know he is.

But then it is this instant pregnancy. I just think it is so improbable that J would have an affair, leave her husband and THEN get pregnant immediately after that. For many women it is actually hard to get pregnant. But it is only J who can answer all the questions.

In his email he said this:


XXX is the name of a school friend of J's. When I called J's mother I pretended to be that person. That is when J's mother told me of the baby.

So while he doesn't come out and say anything about the baby directly....he does so indirectly. And it also makes it clear that he is still very much involved in this, otherwise he would not know about my phone call 2 weeks ago.

Lexxxy,

One obvious reason she may be dragging her feet is that there is usually a time limit for S to claim he is NOT the father. After that time, whether DNA says so or not, he will be the father and on the hook for child support and medical insurance.

Further, she can legitimately file for medical insurance under her H's insurance for the cost of the delivery.


Your brother needs to get out of this and he needs to do it NOW.

I tend to believe the physical violence was a one time thing. However, he needs to address these issues. All of this story fits too neatly. I also think the college boy beleives what he has been told, but I doubt he has been told the truth.

Here is what doesn't work for me other than the financial aspects just mentioned.

If he was abusive on any consistent basis, she should and would divorce him, NOT drag it out. If the child were his she would want to sock it to him financially. If it were not his, and she was legit, she would want the divorce to be with the father or alone. Her behavior does not square with much abuse. It seems to me and there are others here with first hand experience. An abused W may have a hard time leaving, but once she does, I doubt it takes her too long to realize that she needs to be completely out and divorces.

Just thoughts but I would warn your brother about his impending financial responsibility.

God Bless,

JL

Whoa . . . that makes a LOT of sense, JL. Nice reasoning.

Thanks JL -- attorney already notified. Ironically the day after I made the call to her parents and found out about the baby, she filed for alimony.

Huh. So apparently you can abandon all responsiblities, refuse to discuss or negotiate -- and then request financial support.

His attorney said this whole situation was laughable...and he would enjoy getting her deposition and taking this to a judge!

(And I'm sure he's enjoying making $3,000 doing it too.)
Thats the most frustrating part of this whole thing -- they struggled financially (granted that is my brothers fault). They have nothing worth fighting over and now they have both spent thousands of dollars on attorneys. What a waste.

It is a shame they ever got married.

Lexxy,

I grew up in an abusive household and her letter had a very familiar ring to it, especially the part about living in fear. Sorry.

But I can answer the question - why not leave when the abuse started instead of starting an affair and then leaving? Most likely she was raised in an abusive home, which creates a climate of fear that is not just specific to the abusers. I strongly believe that a history of abuse makes you afraid of everything in life generally, and somewhat ironically, afraid to be alone. It doesn't help that most abusers are very authoritarian and do all they can to foster feelings of dependency in their victims. I believe that is why two of my 30-something siblings are still living at home with no plans to ever move out. (IMHO, a parents' job is to raise happy, self-confident, self-sufficient adults who leave home on good terms but DO leave home!)

I believe she had an affair in order to get help leaving the marriage...so she'd leave it with someone instead of going it alone. I don't think women make up or even exaggerate stories of abuse in order to start affairs because there are far too many men willing to carry on with married women for that to be necessary. (Seriously, why make up stories when all you really have to do is show up?) Instead, I think abused women are just more likely to have affairs because they are looking for an escape and are too afraid to be alone to do it alone. That's no excuse for an affair, of course, but IMHO a marriage is over anyway when the first blow is struck.

JL,

LOL! Abuse is NEVER a one-time thing. That's what they all say, and they all try to minimize it and say it wasn't that bad. A man who would never abuse would simply never abuse. Period. And there are enough men in the world who would never abuse that even a one-time abuser (if there were such a creature) is not worth hanging onto. And that goes for physically abusive women, too.

Ap,

I guess I could quibble with the "never" statement. I would say that his story was that she hit him first, and I do know if people are already "hot" from an arguement, being hit causes most men to be "GREATLY" tempted to respond. So I can see a "one time" thing.

However, my main point was that once she left, given that you are indeed correct, why would she drag her feet on divorce? She is finally free of him, she has her "lover", she is pregnant by "lover". Why drag feet on the divorce?

My guess was, and it seems I may be actually right is that she was going to try and nail him for child support and medical bills for the delivery of the child, although it is not his. AND in most states he only has so many months and at most a year or two to deny paternity EVEN IF HE KNOWS NOTHING OF THE CHILD.

You may think it is correct that she will abuse him in this way, but I personally think it is beneath contempt to do this and it is criminal that our legal system allows men to be shafted in this manner. But it does.

So really I don't want to get into the abuse thing. It is NOT part of my daily experience and was really orthogonal to my point, she left, if he abused she should have gone for divorce long ago, she did not. WHy? She wanted to stick him with child support for a child not hers.

I don't minimize physcial abuse, I do have issues on some peoples definition of verbal abuse, it is often someone saying something the other doesn't want to hear, even if correct.

Hopes that clears up things. I have made my small contribution to why Lexxxy's brother couldn't get divorced from her, which was my point.

God Bless,

JL

US law may work differently, but I'm assuming that if the divorce negotiations have been going on for a while, any dependants would have to have been mentioned in the initial legal inquiries? Having started this process myself at one time (in the UK), I recall that it was pretty much the next question after Name and DOB.

If the child's existence hasn't been declared to the legal process, can J really ask for child support from S at any time? Failing to tell S until enough time has elapsed that he must take legal responsibility for the child seems to be cancelled out to me by the fact that they are engaged in a legal process that demands declaration of the existence of children.

Of course, it's a different legal system, or rather systems.

Lexxxy, has your brother asked about the child's existence via his lawyer, so that the fact can be established and DNA testing done, if only to prove his non-paternity?

TA