"Yup, pardner, Plan B is quiet, too quiet!"
Doesn't anything happen here??? There are times I wish I had something to report other than:
"WH called kids; made no effort to contact me; my assumption is he's with OW...this sucks..."
I was impressed with myself today as I sat in meetings at work -- I did not feel or look like a zombie. People are probably much less worried. I actually smile and laugh. And then sometimes I have this totally vicious conversation in the car to no one about what a vile thing an affair is and how WH doesn't get it at all!!!
I am thinking of idey58 a lot lately. I am thankful that I did not have to face cancer and have WH stay in fog (although I'm sure mine would have) and I am thankful that for now WH is paying for house and bill as before.
Idey58, I am sorry that your WH is being such an exceptional putz -- you don't deserve it and I am so glad that you are ready for Plan D. Even if you don't end up there, that has to be a better place to deal with his bs than wishing him back right now. Your strength is IMPRESSIVE, but I am sure it is hard-won...Please know I am thinking of you and I send you regular and pug hugs!!!
I also think of idey58 because my WH also fancies himself as an evolved, liberal save the world buddhist type and I'm sure that's a big part of what impressed self-absorbed OW-hobag. (can I say that?)
Amazing how no matter what people's previous professed moral code, its all out the window when they take that step toward an affair!
Thats about all from here -- enjoying the sounds of a sleeping pug and looking forward to only 3 days of work until break and, strangely, desperately craving a turkey ruben??!!
BF439
From Planet B-Awesome

It's amazing to think how full of drama our lives were before PLAN B that when life is Plan B-peaceful, we question it. When we laugh or smile, it feels like WE are cheating because we are not totally miserable in that moment.

Enjoy your life as much as possible. Don't worry about your WH. Let him sit with his OW and wonder what YOU are doing!

You're doing great!!

Thanks! I should just enjoy the quiet and not worry about him and, amazingly, there are more and more times where I don't think about him at all! Yeah!!!
Progress??? Pug-gress?
BF439

Hi bf,

Just checking in on you. You sound good, especially considering it's the holidays. Glad that Plan B is giving you some relief from the drama, and that you are enjoying your kids and your pug, and that you're able to laugh and smile a little at work.

As I understand it, that's what Plan B is FOR. Protecting YOU and your mental health--and protecting the love you have left for your WH. Let's hope he's feeling the pinch of life without bf. OW's can rarely meet ALL the WH's needs.

Patience and faith...

Hugs to you.


Right Here Waiting

Thanks, RHW, I'm doing ok. The younger two kids are with WH tonight and that is always hard for me for a couple of reasons:
a. it feels like "normalization" of his choice (hey, people get divoced every day, right? As long as he visits a lot, its cool! We can be friends, right? Righttt. Would you want a friend who lies and betrays you and then abandons you? Hmmmmm)
b. I just miss them sooo muchh!!!

I posted on a few other threads and that helps and I'm trying to do nice things for myself too.

I've got a few things coming up that I try to focus on to feel positive about, but feeling good is not a consistent thing these days...

I miss feeling safe and good most of the time, but I guess that was a bit of an illusion, though wasn't it?!!
BF439

If nothing changes, nothing changes. Feeling safe and good could be seen as a rut. Maybe he wanted more. My WH certainly did. I know that you must really be missing your kids tonight. My WH has mine tomorrow night for the first sleepover and I am dreading it. The kids will be missing you too and they are old enough to verbalise that to WH. He will be able to reflect on the kids in their own beds at home and life with you. It's not all rosey for the waywards, although BS's try to see it that way because we don't think they would make all this fuss and disruption and be unhappy. Take care and think positive!!!

Much better end to the evening than it started. Went out and got DD12 her glasses that she has needed and we bought "MamaMia" -- we had both seen it before, but I think we enjoyed it even more tonight.
If you have not seen it, goddesses, I suggest you go rent it! Yes, its a love story of sorts and has a happy ending, but you cannot watch it and not dance around your room! (that's what I look like dancing....)
I think I will take singing and dance this winter! It totally touched my heart when DD12 said I have a good voice -- I love to sing and have not done enough of it over the years, but it is so good for the soul.
I will make a goal to sing more every day!
BF439

One last thought: I am thinking and sending all the extra positive energy out to 2M2L -- I am thinking of you, girl! There is hope for your marriage, but your WH has a slightly different battle to fight and it doesn't involve you. Keep setting those limits and protecting you and the kids and I pray he will find himself in a place to work on his most important issues so he can be with you healthy...


"the most powerful prayer you can say is 'thank you'."
Thich Nhat Hahn

Hey bf,

I didn't have to go through "visitation" b/c my FHW and I were OLD when he had his A (believe me, that brings its OWN kind of horror), but reading what you wrote about how you feel (and why) when your kids are with WH give me a couple of thoughts.

Having them with him, at his place, knowing they know what's going on...hey, he can pretend that's not a problem, ignore the guilt, etc. but I wouldn't think he could do it indefinitely.

You're viewing that time the kids are away from you as painful. Could you fight that idea every time it comes up? Turn the kaleidoscope a half-turn and see it as the ONLY time you really have for yourself? It's a relatively few hours a week, no? You know they're safe, yes? Could you schedule something for that time that you wouldn't be able to do if the kids were home...dinner with a friend? A loooong chat on the phone with someone you never have time to connect with?

Just a thought.

I'm going out of town for a few days today, but I will be thinking of you and checking in when I get back. Hugs.

RHW

Hey, RHW, thanks for the post.
I try to have things set up, but I usually have DD12 too since she won't go to her dad's apartment. So, just as its been since all of this started (and before really), I am always with one or more kids. Which means that WH has significant time to work, be with friends, to be with OW, etc.
So on his nights off he can be out 'self-improving' or spending time with adults and its just harder for me. Also, when the younger two are gone, I feel like its my chance to catch-up on the house. So much of this feels unfair to me, and I'm having a hard time turning the kaleidoscope at all.
I also own that I don't make the effort. A friend called me last night to go to a movie and I declined. Just wasn't up for it. But I did finally pull myself together enough to go take care of some stuff for DD12 and watch a movie, so I felt a little proud of myself!
Have a good trip out of town!
BF439

Well, I wrote this great update last night, but then my laptop blinked off and I just didn't have it in me to rewrite it!
So, the gist was that yesterday I was emotionally all over the map. Felt like a loser because I can't seem to keep my house clean; bawling in the car as I got ready to mail my Christmas cards; a little better as the day went on and felt just fine by the time I had cleaned my kitchen and made homemade cookies for my friends.
I was wiped out by the end of the day!
Today started better and I'm trying to hang on the feeling that I don't care what WH is doing. When I start to think about that I start to beat myself up and down I go!
Sometimes I give myself permission to fantasize about contact or revenge on OW, but I when I don't go there, knowing I could, I feel like I have made some progress. I just hate that WH's family sees exposure as revenge, not part of a plan in response to an affair.
WH has been calling on the home phone at night as requested and I answer in a lilting voice and he Hangs Up?! Sometimes he calls back and sometimes he calls on DD12 phone, but I feel some sense of pleasure that he can't even say is "DS11 there?" -- I had said through the IM for him to call on home phone and I would pass phone on to kids if I answered, but I guess he's in his own Plan B, since he had said that he needed distance from me for his mental health!!!! I can see that -- I am so toxic as a loving, BS! :RollieEyes:
Well, that's about all today; I have family coming in today and tomorrow and I am so looking forward to this holiday break!
BF439

Did you send cards to WH's family? If you haven't yet, maybe you could include a little note in it saying "I hope that, when WH re-discovers the love he had for this family, once OW is no longer in his life, that we can once again be together on the holidays."

Something like that? Kind of to explain again why you're exposing?

I thought about it, but I chose not to. The ones that I need to continue saying things like that to are ones I talk to directly so I can just reinforce it.
Right now I have sort of distanced myself from them too because its too easy to get info on WH unintentionally when I do talk to them.
The longer PB goes, though, the stronger I feel and I can reinforce to them without getting emotional, "you know I have cut direct contact to take care of myself and to preserve what love I have for WH." I think that will be sufficient, but it was harder to do before because I think they took my position as an unwillingness to "let go" and "move on" etc.
I think that is one thing I can do to ensure that family understands that I have not given up, but that I am not trying to force one thing or another. My fear is that with even more distance, WH will be able to say, see, she will be fine, this is right... Grrrrr....

BF439

Or he could say, OMG, she will be fine, this is WRONG!

Princessmeggy, thanks so much for posting. You story was one of the first ones I read that gave me some hope.
Not feeling too hopeful today, but I had a wonderful weekend with my family.
We had a surprise 70th birthday party for my mom and had some of her brothers and her sons there and that was wonderful to get that side of the family together from all over the country.
It was sad that WH wasn't there -- everyone missed him and are still so confused about what he's done.
It felt good to do something for others and to cook again (my crab quiche was fabulous!
Feeling a little tired, a little sad, and not looking forward to this week without my husband. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't think it would be this hard! Its not even Christmas yet!
Well, any posts of support, encouragement of even, "quit feeling sorry for yourself" would be great!

BF439
:happyholidays:

Oh, please post the recipe for the crab quiche - sounds delicious!

Hang in there. The holidays are very hard for the BS, but even harder for the WS.

I'll post it as soon as I pull it together on paper -- I tend to go with a recipe and then improvise, so I have to think a bit before I pass it on!

"Hang in there. The holidays are very hard for the BS, but even harder for the WS. "

That is good to hear... My assumption almost always is that he's doing better, feeling better and generally enjoying life more I am. Guess that's more of that good ol' BS fog!

Yes, it is harder for them. My ex seemed to be living in the fast lane with OW, and completely happy. But later he told me how he laid awake nights, feeling guilty and remembering stupid little things about our life together.

Hi BF. I am so sorry I haven't been around to stop in. If it helps, my house is a complete mess too. There is laundry everywhere and I need to change the sheets, clean the house and get festive and ready for Christmas Eve with the family.

I left the kids sleepover suitcase open on the bench for 30 hours before I had the heart to unpack it. I hoped that there would be something in there for me from WH, then I hoped there wouldn't, knowing I would be disappointed either way.

Well, his socks were in the bag with the kids dirty clothes. I still don't know what to make of that.

He took them to his brother's house and his mother stayed the night too. They had a shared lunch with the WH's parents and brother on the Saturday morning. It must have been horrible too for WH as he didn't get one on two time with the kids except for the hour drive each way.

I don't think the wayward's find visits easy. I am sorry that you don't get alone time. Can someone help out? Can your 12 year old have a sleepover at a friends house when your WH has the kids so that you can have a night off every couple of weeks? It really does wonders for the soul.

Take care!!

Well, the kids are at WH's apartment and DD12 is at yet another sleepover, so I am home with the pug! (Currently snoring peacefully in my lap -- can we get a pug emoticon, PLZZZZ?)

I did call MIL tonight -- Christmas has always been a big deal with her and her family, but I did good. We talked about BIL and Grandma B and other general stuff. I did reinforce to her (because I think I need to know that she knows) that distancing myself from WH does not mean I am done with the marriage, just that I need the space to recover.

She replied that she knew and that she had explained it that way to WH, too, which made me think they had talked about the sit. I didn't delve into that, though. I was as dark as I could be -- I said what I wanted her to know and I left it at that!

2M2L, your posts are a little odd to me, which I'll explain on your thread after I get my thoughts together better, but I about laughed out loud when you said your WH's socks were in the kid's stuff!! Ironically, I get a little misty-eyed when I do laundry and there is NOTHING of WH's in there! I don't know why that gets to me, but it sure does -- I don't think I would mind some wayward socks from my wayward spouse!!!

Also, 2M2L, you mentioned being a "yummy mummy" and feeling insecure about being attractive to opposite sex, and honestly that came up for me some initially. However, I am a healthy, attractive 38 year-old and much different than I was at 30 with 2 young kids. I know I can find another partner if I desire, but I'm seeking recovery, peace, and thinking about the legacy for my children. Every step of how I handle this is a gift or a burden to them and I honestly am not as grounded (I think) as t2L is, so this is a big part of my work.

So, what was a blue night, got a little better with pug and a good movie, so its not so bad.

Here's the thought that kept going through my head all night as I read the posts:
"What you do speaks so loudly, I cannot hear what you say."
Emerson

Nothing much to report today; which is good in PB, I guess.

Looking for some veteran feedback on the following:
Spent the day taking care of errands with DD4 and I got a little sad when she talked about, "sometimes people want to marry someone else," and then she said sometimes people didn't get along and stay with each other. I asked where she had heard that and she said "daddy." WH has made quite a point trying to explain to the kids that current situation has nothing to do with affair, which is so interesting since when he told them about us possibly speparating this summer, he said he had an affair! He has been all over the map with this!
So, she and I talked about how what daddy had done to hurt me and I said WH had kissed a girl and that he told me that he likes her more than mommy. She asked her name and I told her.
I'm not quite sure what is the thing to do here, but I don't feel comfortable with her getting an earful of fog. She's had to watch me cry off an on for months and he's going to explain it as "sometimes people don't get along."

Any thoughts about how folks are handling issues with kids?