Have you exchanged marital vows with her, e.g. "in sickness and in health, rich or poor, 'til death do us part", etc. ?

If not, IMO you're not really M'd, just playing part of the role.

People who really want to be M'd don't choose not to do so just to "avoid issues". They get M'd and tackle the issues together.

I suggest you move back in. You can meet her ENs much better if you're living under the same roof.

ManInMotion

No offense, but I don't know the relevance of exchaning vows. Doesn't seem to offer much protection from infidelity IMHO.

10 years of paying the mortgage, raising kids, family vacations, etc,etc in my mind qualifies as a marriage type relationship.

Turtlehead

As for moving back in, neither one of us wants to do that until she can decide whether her head is into it. I am spending almost all my free time there trying to meet her EN's and she is accepting of my being there.

I'm afraid that moving back in will be too much, too soon, until she can decide. Until then, it's execution of a good Plan A.

No offense, but if there were no vows to "forsake all others", then technically, as she's made no such vow to you, if she turns to someone else, it isn't really infidelity, is it?



Terrence Hill made a career out of playing a cowboy on the big screen, which included riding horses and shooting guns. He wouldn't be confused with a real cowboy. Playing the part of a husband and BEING a husband are two different things IMO.

Her head will be into it a lot faster if you're living under the same roof as her, meeting her ENs left and right, and avoiding LBs. You'll look spectacular compared to OM and she'll come around a lot more quickly.

When you're at home you can meet ENs of domestic support, family commitment, and affection a LOT more easily than when you're living somewhere else. Plus the expense of a second dwelling makes it more difficult to meet the EN of financial support.

While admiration and conversation can be met while not co-habitating, obviously it's easier if you're living under the same roof.

I suggest you re-think the notion of waiting until her head is into it. I think you've got the cart before the horse here. Your presence will help her align her way of thinking to be more pro-marriage, not vice-versa.

I agree with Turtle. I'm not sure I'm the best FWW to post to you- and be inspiring. I didn't recover my marriage. Perhaps someone who did will. But I can recognize withdrawal and she's definitely in it. Picture that she is a crack addict and you've just taken away her pipe. The fog and addiction is that strong.

I have no illusions that she is in a fog and going through withdrawl. She just admitted to me that she had a 20+ minute phone conversation over lunch with the OM. I know she is emotionally entangled. Now she thinks I'm skulking around and she was extremely defensive. She got mad and said she could have lied, but when she freely admits who she was talking to, I'm just at a loss for words.

I said it feels like a competition and she disagrees. She is trying to choose what is best for her and her kids, but this is an unbelievably bad position to be in and I think she gets it somewhat, but wow.


I'm still planning on doing Plan A, but I would appreciate hearing some opinions on when Plan B should be kicked into gear. Plan A has just starting to appear to pay some benefits, but if she thinks I'm smothering and skulking, maybe it's time to show the other side.

you're being given advice to follow and you're not following it.

You want self respect? Then demand it.

How?

You say, "That's it! I tried being Mr. Nice Guy and it didn't work. I'm taking steps at this point and you're not going to like them."

You then expose to everyone under the sun.

But your fear is what keeps you hostage and keeps you from acting and growing a pair.

SHE cheated and has YOU feeling bad about exposure?

Please!

Agree. She's still in contact - expose.
Expose to everyone.
Expose immediately.
Expose without warning.

Hurting,

I agree. Expose. You said yourself it's the thing she fears most. Shining the light on her "dirty little secret" is the surest, fastest way to allow the consequences of her CONTINUED affair behavior to land right where they belong. On her.

Will she be mad? You betcha. But as long as she's cake-eating (keeping you BOTH in the picture), nothing will change, and she's got you cornered into the place of HER choosing. And the longer you allow it, the less respect she will have for you.

I have a feeling you will not take this step because it's too scary. Your choice. Just understand that enabling her bad behavior (which she is already ashamed of, but refuses to change) will do nothing to stop it. How long do you want to go on like this?

Even if she finally does choose you, your behavior now shows her you would put up with yet another affair down the line. And another. And another. She's already got a track record and I don't see what she's done to offer you any hope she won't continue doing this when the consequences are so light. JMHO

Somebody's got to do the hard stuff here, and it sure ain't gonna be HER!

Well I took the advice which was not easy to do.

I went to talk to the OM's boss and needless to say, I have his support in putting an end to this. I also phoned the OM's wife and surprise surprise, despite my WW telling me that the OM had told his BS, she had no idea. She suspected he was having an affair and also suspected it was my WW. Wow - intuition. Anyway, we will be talking quite a bit from now on.

Anyway, the cat is out of the bag now. I can look forward to an icy frostiness now from my WW, but I was at the end of my rope and needed somebody to tell me to let go.

Do either of you have a plan how you may achieve this?



Is there any one else that you can expose it too that will be able to support your cause?

GREAT job on finding the courage to expose. It's quite frightening for most people, but then once done everyone says they're glad they did it. I was too scared to expose (didn't know about MB back then) and in retrospect I wish I had.

If you're going to expose to her parents and your parents you need to do that now, too. I recommend it.

You know she's going to be furious, right? That's okay, she'll get over being angry a LOT faster than she'll "get over" her affair with OM. She'll tell you things like "I was going to work on us and drop him but you've ruined any chance of that" and "How can I ever trust you again" and "I'm filing for divorce NOW"

Just know that her anger is a sign that your exposure is *working*. Don't let her tirades fill you with fear, rather let them be a source of empowerment for you. Your mantra right now is "I will do whatever it takes to save our marriage."

Kudos to you for taking this step!!! Let the fireworks begin.

Oh, it's usually recommended that you also expose at work in writing, to the head of HR, her boss, and the CEO of the company. cc: everyone on the letter so they all know other people got the letter and that way they can't sweep it under the rug. Here's a great template that was written by a MB-er who is/was a corporate attorney; you can followup your verbal exposure with this written one to the boss, head of HR, and CEO.

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS

Great exposing! Be prepared for her wrath. Do NOT get into an argument with her and LB. Sample conversation

"I was going to work on us but now that you've gone and told everyone your side of the story I'm not"

You- "I will do whatever necessary to save my marriage and family"

"I cannot trust you now"

You- "I'm sorry you feel that way. Let's take the kids to see Santa this weekend"

"I want a divorce now"

You- "I'm fully willing to work on our marriage and make it the best that I can for both of us but to do that it requires NC with OM"

Some people recommend this one "I do marriage, my lawyer does divorce"

By the way, have you seen your lawyer just to see what your rights are??

Hurting,

Yes, it was hard to do, and I, for one, wouldn't have roasted you if you hadn't done it. But it was the best thing you could've done. Commanded respect. What a man! Good to see you fighting for your marriage!

That said, you are prepared for her greatest wrath, aren't you? She will be rip-snorting mad, and you've gotten some great come-back lines, which must, of course, be delivered calmly, gently. You will have some frosty nights, but it beats being a door mat.

She WILL get over this. But neither of you could have recovered stuck in the middle.

Oh, and yes...OM's wife. Surprise to her, huh? Happens almost every time, because WAYWARDS LIE. Good on you for allowing HER to choose from reality what she wants for her marriage and family. She can be your best ally in the fight to maintain NC.

So happy you are exerting your power in this relationship. Hold on for the rest of the ride.

Holding you in prayer.

Right Here Waiting

My parents know already, she is estranged from her parents (father is dead) because of her first divorce. She has nothing to do with her family.

She is furious. Refused to speak or text with me last night, which is fine. She was furious when she knew I exposed to our closest couple friends and my parents. Has basically cut those people out of her life.

I am ready for the fireworks.

Found out from the OMW that they were having family Christmas tomorrow, before heading to a tropical vacation for two weeks on Sunday, getting back in the new year. Looks like my WW will be having a lonely holiday as her best friends right now either know about the A (and therefore don't talk to her) or are going away on their own tropical vacations. We were also supposed to be going on one, but I cancelled it. The kids are with their biological dad for the holidays, so she will be sitting and thinking a lot, alone. The OMW now knows about the texting and will watch him like a hawk and demand that no cell phone or blackberry comes with him. He will be on a short leash (if he even goes, I guess).

All is going according to the script. So good that you have OMW working with you.

Two weeks of NC is going to make her even meaner than exposure did, so I'm afraid you cannot expect much to improve soon. That is also a given--many of us have been through it.

During whatever contact she allows with you, though, you must be calm and free of LB's. This is critical.

If she rages at you (and unless she's the stony, icy-quiet type when she's mad, she WILL rage at you), your best responses will go along these lines: "I did not do this to hurt you." "I want to make our marriage work." "I do not want a divorce; I want a marriage where we will both be happy."

She can be both types. Typically icy cold at the start and then watch out.

I just happened to catch the same elevator ride up to our respective floors. She could not even look at me. Nothing was said, so nice and icy at the moment.

The OM's boss at a minimum will put a stop to the OM visiting our office, but that's kind of light at the moment. I'm sure he would also monitor e-mail and BB usage if I asked. Before we do anything, I will talk to the OMW to plan our strategy to break up the A.

Tonight, me and the WW will both be attending our son's hockey game. Should be nice and awkward and good distance apart. This will be odd, given the number of people who still think we are together. Her ex-H also coaches the team. I imagine in a few days time will be an explosion I have never seen before.

She had told me that the OMW knew about the A, so either she was lying to me, or even better yet, the OM was lying to my WW. The OMW had confronted him three weeks ago and he denied everything. She even suspected that it was my WW, but had no proof of anything, just lots of texting and weird behaviour.

I have things to do in the evenings (X-mas parties and hockey)basically until the end of the weekend, so I don't even know if I should be initiating contact (still in Plan A), or whether I should be transitioning (to Plan B). Please provide your thoughts.

I don't know if I've plan A'ed enough, even though she has recognized how much has changed and the efforts I've been making.

With the OM gone over the holidays, I don't know whether to let her sit alone and bask in what she has done, or try to be there in his complete absence.

While he's gone that's a perfect time to Plan A in my opinion.

Was WW still married to her ExH when you met her? I'm not sure you ever said???