I am legally separated from my WstbxH. There is absolutely NO AGREEMENT between us whatsoever outside of our Legal Separation Agreement which covers marital assets and residency of our adult DS who is in college (tax purposes). Separated couples do not AGREE to date. They are separated.

If your guy is truly separated, he decided to date on his own.

That said, happily married couples don't AGREE for one of them to have an affair. These people decide on their own as well.

Right. Except I didn't think there was any CHEATING going on!

This is why I wanted to contact the now ex-wife. I don't know if they had an agreement to date or not. For the sheer fact that if the dating profile I saw she set it up... doens't that pretty much mean she was open to dating/dating???

I do think you're getting attacked unnecessarily on your thread. You can put people on ignore - click on their name near the top of their post, go to their profile, and select to ignore the poster.

I think you might gain something by talking to his ex-wife and apologizing for believing him and causing her pain. That would be a step toward owning the hurts you helped cause, and reclaiming your integrity.

I think if you contact her for a reason like vengeance toward your ex-boyfriend, it will do you (and her) more harm than good. Focus on being the person you want to be - the person you can be proud of being - and act in accordance with that.

WHY does this matter to you? How long are you going to let that guy CONTROL your life?

Aren't you sick of it by now?

I have also thought to send this out to the people I know he lied to including his ex-wife:

I know Dave has discussed our situation and what transpired with an ex-girlfriend, Tina. I have also discovered he has relayed a very gross portrayal (ie, it was just a one-month email flirtation I couldn't get over even though he terminated all contact with Tina once I discovered what was going on). In reality, his contact with Tina carried on for five months before I found out and they were discussing buying property and establishing a life together in the future. He also never terminated contact with her and had seen her in person again three months later. I have also communicated, amicably, with Tina numerous times who also conveyed Dave's inconsistencies and in speaking with others about the situation. Dave had asked me repeatedly to keep what happened regarding Tina just between the two of us. The last time he did, I was already aware he had discussed it with someone else and fallaciously. He abruptly terminated our relationship once I told him I had contacted Tina. I am sending this to set the record straight as I don't appreciate being used as a scapegoat for behavior Dave is unwilling to own up to.

Dave... I still have all the emails you, Tina and I exchanged last year. Appears your plan all along was to keep me around just until her travel commitments and your divorce were finalized. That would explain why you told me it would be over between us if I contacted her... why you hestitated for weeks to send the "Dear Jane" email the therapist (you suggested we see) advised you to do... and why you wanted a "break" at least until after your vacation last summer (the same week Tina would have been at your sister's and weeks after you called her again and indicated you might see her). It also explains why Tina sent me the email she did before her visit asking me to please keep an eye on you while she was at your sister's and that you were conveying different things to all three of us, and why you abruptly terminated our relationship once I told you I initiated contact with her.

Thanks for leading me on about establishing a life together even while carrying on the same with Tina. And thanks for gaslighting me for months with responses like "it's your own insecurities" and "it's all in your head" when I asked if there was someone else... and "you just don't trust me" on the way back from your family's at Thanksgiving when I again expressed concern you were interested in someone else -- then you saw Tina in person a few hours later. I wouldn't be surprised to learn you and [your wife] didn't really have an agreement to date others when I met you and that Steve's accusations about you going after his girfriend were also true.

Leslie

You make it seem like they have to immediately date. Why can't they wait to date until they are no longer married? And, if they want to date, they should get divorced, no matter how financially difficult. People want to have their cake and eat it too.

As for going to hell, there are plenty of people who have sinned that still make it to heaven, but let's just put it this way, they are taking their chances by doing so. They are doing damage to their spiritual health in the process.

You said it yourself, that you weren't even sure that he and his wife had an agreement (not that it matters). What if he was lying to you? You can avoid the whole mess by not dating married men. Then you don't have to worry about any such agreement.

nothing quite like an OW scorned

Yes, I'm sure you did. Like things seem to sink to the same level.

Something else I think I have realized via posting here today (much to the shagrin of others). The guy I dated before this guy didn't treat me very well. Turns out he is maybe even a child molester. I found out he was cheating on me also via email and when I confronted him he dumped me and got married 6 months later (something I thought we were headed for also).

I think, yes, as some have indicated my self-esteem was at an all-time low when I met said separated guy and I think I had lost ALL faith in men at the time (I still have very little faith in them).

Do you have anything to do with these people anymore?

What is your goal in sending something like this? To get people to think that Dave is an [censored]?

Guess what? They likely think that already. People aren't stupid.

I didn't say anything about dating immediately.

I've known some people who couldn't afford to get divorced for YEARS.

I like how anyone who thinks it is wrong to have an affair with a married person who is unhappy in his/her current marriage is now considered a religious zealot. This is what is wrong with society.

They could afford it, they just didn't want to have to significantly lower their standard of living. It's the price you have to pay for your freedom to date others.

I have news for you. I'm not that happy with my marriage now. If I divorced, I don't think that I could afford my current house, even though I love living there. Instead of dating other women, I am deciding to WORK on my marriage.

Look at this. Four hours, and EIGHT PAGES of discussion. With a woman who INSISTS still that it's OK to date married people under whatever conditions she deems acceptable.

I've rarely seen anyone fight so hard against all odds of convincing her audience.

Maybe she's a troll from one of them OW boards...

Okay you didn't answer this when it was asked before, so I'll ask.

How old are you and your boyfriend?

I don't see any of these people anymore, no. My goal would be just to set the record straight. He had asked me numerous times while we were still together to keep what happened between just the two of us. Realizing now he never had any intention of not talking about it with others. He was just trying to do damage control. The last time he had asked me (just before he dumped me) I had already talked with his friend's g/f. I said to him "So you havent' talked to anyone else about this?" "No one but my sister" he said in a very reassuring tone. I said "That's funny because I talked with Susan and she said you discussed it with her and everything she told me was wrong." "Well you have to take what she says with a grain of salt" he said.

Well, now we get into the more religion discussion...

Who does or does not go to hell is up to God, period! We are all sinners and we all screw up, and I do believe in repentance, mercy, and forgiveness. I am not a religious zealot and I do not claim to be any biblical scholar, but I do believe if people sin, repent, ask for forgiveness and try to change our ways, yes, we go to heaven. I, like you, have been in church and seen those "Sunday" christians who are just so holy, and the rest of the week they are molesting kids, beating wives, etc. I think it all comes down to free will. Only God knows what's really in someone's heart. You can meet the nicest people, and only God may know they are filled with hatred or bitterness.

But, that being said, it really doesn't matter who does or doesn't go to hell. Cheating is still wrong, period! If you're married, it's wrong, doesn't matter if you're seperated, have an open marriage, can't afford to divorce, everyone is doing it, etc. Some things are just wrong no matter what spin you put on it.

It's best not to tempt fate. Find someone unattached - I mean, for real. make a list - write down the qualities you want in a mate, and don't waver from that. Be glad you dodged a bullet this time which saved you from years and years of heartache.

Raquel73

Actaully, the ONLY condition I deemed it acceptable is if both parties have agreed it's ok to date others.

My ex and I are 10+ years apart.