Mike, my 11-year old and 7-year old step-children flat-out don't believe me!! They asked WW about it and she dodged the question so they think I'm lying to them... I told them that I wish it wasn't true but it is... They'll know very soon that it's true. I think it's terrible for WW to mess with their heads like this. They won't know what to believe!!

My mom seems a lot like yours. But she lives in another city so she can't do very much from there. I think she'll want to move up here once I tell her though..

Erich, your mother can be a great source of support. I know mine was for me. And she HATED my H when we reconciled. HE suggested that he would never face my family again [meaning I was supposed to cut them out of my life] ummmmmmm no can do! My H apologized to my mother and my sister and they get along GREAT now. My mom adores my H.

The important thing is that you have your mothers support at a time when you need it most. Protecting your WW from the fall out of her affair is not a good reason to forgo the support of your family.

Do you mean about moving or about the affair?

Either way, as you say, they'll know soon enough, and they'll remember who told the truth.

Is the ghetto apartment in the same school district?


Yeah, with all due respect to Melody, my mother would make things dramatically worse and be a massive source of stress to me rather than support.

If I am your mother and you don't tell me, you would be in a world of hurt!! But, I do understand some mothers can do more harm than good, but many are very supportive and will HELP the situation. We have even had affairs that were killed by the interference of a mother. As a mother myself, I would want to know so I could help my son.

Both.


Yeah, it is in the same school district but not sure if it's the same school..

Well, just so you don't think I'm a misogynist (sp) my sister has been my number one confidant.

About 3 months after D-day, I did tell my mother we were having "marital issues" but asked her not to ask me anything else or mention it to anyone. She immediately called my sister and grilled her if there was a "third party".

Also, my W BEGGED me not to tell my mother about the affair, because my mother holds a grudge for life. No WAY would she ever get past it.

It may not be ideal...but check with your attorney. The best case scenario may be having your mother move in with you and support you and your child directly in your home through the temporary custody period and the ensuing battle.

The plan can include that she will move out once the custody battle is over...but having her there with the intention of staying would likely strengthen your case for primary custody.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - your wife and her sister may not be close or get along all that well...but be careful. Blood is often thicker than mud. I wouldn't want my case depending on my spouse's sibling's testimony. Not saying it can't work absent alternatives...for example, your mother would be a much more reliable witness.

Good advice. My WW's sister expressed total outrage agaisnt WW and total support of me. But when push came to shove she was telling WW to legally protect herself, and sending her biblical passages implying I was evil, etc.

No matter what you think of a blood relative, they are going to be in your life 20 years from now, and their ex isn't....

Excellent point! My exWW's family were totally on my side at the beginning also. But guess who I don't speak to anymore? Thats right - now they even believe the A never took place!

Yeah, I'm not putting all my eggs in that basket. BUT her fam knows my WW's history and they even speak kindly of her former exes to this day. At family gatherings they ask how her exes are, etc. One sibling still keeps a friendship with her first ex-husband. She has a very cool down-to-earth family as I've seen from experience. I'm lucky in that respect. Plus, having a kid with her locks me into the fam to some degree and they understand and have expressed that sentiment.

But having said all that, I will use prudence and not expect too much..

This is so sick. While WW was in the shower, I looked through her purse/bag that is in her car and found a receipt for $22.94 for a customized T-shirt for OM that says "I'm Her [OM]." How cute.

Also found a receipt for $49.90 for a Get-Well balloon and teddy bear gift deliver to OM's sick son that says "Hey [NAME], Your dad says you aren't feeling very good. Big time stink! I hope you get better soon!!!!! XOXO WW"

Holy crap, WW is setting herself up as their new mom. I think she really is angling to have OM as her next victim, I mean husband.

And geez, she's never done something that sweet for our kids that I know of.

I made copies of the receipts. May come in handy later.

I also found her apartment lease which began 12/10/08. She only has to pay $110/month thanks to Uncle Sam. She also got on WIC. I hope this stuff she's doing is illegal. I'm certainly going to ask attorney about this.

WW is acting the fool. It's hard for me to have any feelings for her, knowing the details of what she's doing. But love isn't a feeling, it's an action. Right now I think the best way to love her right now is to show tough love by full custody of our son so hopefully she'll wake up from this delusional fantasy.

Now you've got it!

Tonight I asked my step-daughter what WW said when my step-son asked WW if they were moving. She said that Mom said we'll talk about it later. Then my step-daughter got sad and said "I don't want to move." She begin crying and when WW came into the room she was forced to face the situation.

WW took step-daughter to her room and tried to sugar-coat everything. I heard a few words here and there like WW saying "it's not the end of the world" and I think I heard her say "good things are going to happen"?? Not sure if I heard that right. And what does WW mean by good things? Like maybe OM coming into their lives and saving the day? Or living in government subsidized housing surrounded by drugs and dead-beats?

I meet with my attorney tomorrow at 10AM. Will find out the answers to a lot of my questions and probably move to plan D unfortunately.

Erich, I feel so sorry for your step kids and am so worried about your son. Your W has very bad judgment and is hardly a good parent to kids right now. I hope you do everything in your power to protect your son and keep primary custody so he is not moved into the slums.

And I truly do hope you call your mother and get her support. If she is moving out, then your mother should be told so she can be there for you and your son.

Not a word about the attorney meeting to WW.

As you know already...there is an advantage to be gained by filing first. You put WW on the defensive instead of you. You don't want to start a race to the courthouse by giving her ANY indication you are even considering filing (if you, in fact, are).

Besides...filing NOW may just force the issue of a temporary custody hearing wherein your WW may win primary...temporarily. It is hard to overcome a temporary order. You MAY decide, with your attorney's counsel, that you'll just demand 50-50 custody for now...outside of court...and live with that for awhile, all the time documenting and preparing a primary custody case.

This differs from advice I've given in the past wherein I push for going for it all right up front. I've seen too many judges just hand WW's temporary custody to recommend that anymore. Especially considering the age of your child and the fact there are step-children siblings you can't win custody and the court may not want to split up. Plus...you work days and absent a demonstration you can handle it...the court will likely presume her the more available and child rearing parent. Such "temporary orders" mean you lose before you even get the chance to build your case. These men end up fighting and then nearly always end up settling for a few extra days in the end, a year or more later, because it's too risky not to settle. If you get a 50-50 arrangement outside of court up front, you're then "fighting" from that position, instead of a miserable year of every other weekend and wednesday evenings and the fear it MAY continue. Depends on the state, the county, the judge...your attorney will know much better than I.

Mr. Wondering

I'm very pro-marriage, so I hope erich's W will still see the light and become the w he wants.

However, just to throw a word in here:

Custody battles to me are a nightmare I wouldn't want to face. To take a young kid and split their housing 50-50, or even 70-30, seems like a formula to raise a Manson to me.

I've told my W, if we divorce, I'm moving out of state to rebuild my life. I love my kids, but they are teens, and, frankly, my W is a very conscientious (sp?) mother.

Anyway, just throwing that in. Everyone's first weapon is take the kids away from your spouse, I threatened that BIG TIME, it is very effective in getting back to the table, but I think it is a gun better waved than fired, as they say...

I remember on D-day my 14 year old screaming 'Don't make me choose !!'.....

I called and spoke to my Mom yesterday and today. She's been very empathetic and sweet to me. She feels sorry for my wife for the choices she is making. My mom went through divorce with my Dad and he was the wayward spouse so she knows what it's like to go through this. I'm glad I called her.

I definitely did NOT mention my meeting with the attorney to my WW. I am hoping that this attorney will give me the best advice on a sensible course of action given our state laws and my wife's past and present behavior.

I see the points you are making Mr. Wondering.

I did have a chat with my wife tonight about her plans. She hopes to be fully moved out by the 28th. She still only wants me to have our son every other weekend and to evenings per week.

I suggested to her that I would like 50/50 time with him and she shot that down immediately. She said that she knows what's best for her son. I hate to hear her say that because it is so blatantly hypocritical given the circumstances.

My wife is a wonderful homemaker, which makes it hard for me to consider our son spending days with other care givers but I just don't feel that my son should be forced to warm up to a new step-dad every three years and then be violently moved to a new housing arrangement.

My MC said that it's like being nice to someone most of the time but every once in a while whacking that person in the head with a two by four...

I am pro-marriage too. That's what's making this so hard for me. I want to save our marriage, but I want to do what's best for my son too. I can't help but think that filing for divorce and full custody might be the thing that wakes my wife up to reality.

She is so entrenched in her selfish fantasy that nothing but a strong dose of reality will help her, I'm beginning to think. It wasn't my idea originally. Her parents, my pastor, my MC, and some of her siblings, and my Mom, all think that she needs to face losing custody of her son to give her a chance to wake up and have a possibility to change her behavior.

My MC said that it was my obligation to go for full custody given the situation..

Your going to have to fight for your right to your share of custody. Or the OM (or should I say men because I doubt she is done bringing in different men into the lives of her children) will have more influence on your children than you.