My XH doesn't think he's an alcoholic, either, and referred to the people at AA as "those people." Notably, both the psychiatric hospital he went to and the psychologist he went to both diagnosed him as an alcholic. Denial - the hallmark of Alcoholism.

There comes a point in time when you have to do what is right for your own sanity and for your children. For me, I now have peace and stability. I am dating a very nice man who does not have a drinking problem and its a world away from what my life was like in my marriage.

No, I didn't read that into it. I took those as boundaries. They were suggested & made sense. I don't want to guilt anyone into anything, ever. It's his choice.


I get this. We've been married almost 10 years! I know this all too well.


Right. I agree.


I guess so. Because he sat our two kids down & PROMISED them no more. And "we" sent an email to the family. That one's really tough. Really, really hard to swallow.


Again I agree


Dead on, and I'd never thought of that. I spent so much time getting ME together, being strong & really digging ME, and readying myself for the SOBER life - never did I consider he'd slip. Call me naive.


Thank you.

Great post Queenie. You NAILED the alcoholic mind.

One beer in 3 months ain't bad, apparently. He done good.

Kids are going to Grandma's for the next few days. This is like clock work, nearly an exact replica of a year ago.

Is this HIS response or YOURS?

Julie, one drink it too many, a thousand is NOT ENOUGH....

Thanks Cinders, it takes one to know one....

:crosseyedcrazy:

Not that it matters much but I can almost guarantee it wasn't just one beer either.... The fact you could smell alcohol on him means it was more the one. Just one more lie to try to diminsh the agonizing consequences of his actions.....

Mindshare

Queenie, those are his words with my own obnoxious/angry flare added in. He never said, "I done good"

MS, I'd thought of that. But to ask would have been splitting hairs when one was one too many anyway. "I knew it was wrong & I don't remember how I justified it in my head. That's why I didn't go to the next bar with them, I knew I'd messed up"

You are right Julie....it doesn't much matter. One beer is too much. I just wanted to point out that he is also manipulating you. Trying to soften the blow by saying things like 'it was only one beer' or 'that is why I didn't go to the next bar'. These statements are specifically made to soften the blow of what he has done. Addicts are quite often experts at manipulation as well. If you've been an enabler in the past then he still believes he can use these kind of statements on you.

Mindshare

Julie - my husband doesn't stay sober all the time either - though his addiction of choice is not alcohol.

It's been 14 years since he went to his first 12 step meeting. He has a sponsor. I'm not his mother. I don't protect him from the consequences of his addiction and I don't allow him to use me as his "get-out-of-guilt-free-via-confession-card".

I think the primary difference in your situation and mine is that your husband thinks his primary problem is YOU and mine knows his primary problem is himself.

I highly recommend you recognize that regardless of whether or not you stay with your husband, you will be a member of Al Anon for life. You will need to work your program "FOR LIFE". Because he's using your lack of sobriety as an anon to not face his own responsibilities. He's looking to you to be the one to treat him like the whipped boy so that he can blame you for his life not working.

I suggest no relationship talk tonight. Get to your meeting. Get a sponsor. Get to work on your own program. Do not make any decisions about him until your own program is well in place.

And you don't have to tell him what you're doing either. But if you take yourself out of the "control" chair, guess who has to take responsibility????

Let him show you the extraordinary precautions he's willing to make to stay in the home. Don't let on that you're giving him a chance or not giving him a chance. Just say, "I'm working on my own program right now. I'll let you know when I'm ready to make a decision. Until then, show me you want this more than you want the beer."

Julie, my DH (who just graduated from Bible School BTW) is an alcoholic too.

If you read my story, you know that after his horrific wreck (drunk as a skunk) near death and recuperating for over a month (at my home where I took care of him), I idiotically agreed with him (that was my own stoopid issue of fear and unwillingness to make him unhappy) that one beer wouldn't hurt.

A few weeks later, he left me again, went to jail for DWI, got kicked out of his favorite haunt, broke both feet trying to balance on a wall while he was drunk and talking on his cell phone. Those were just a few of his antics, there were many.

All that because he thought he could have one beer.

He knows in his knower that he cannot have even a sip.

He knows the damage that he caused and would cause again.

He knows it would be the end of our marriage, and probably his life, if he did.

Your husband has to get to this point.

You need to figure out what the dealbreaker is for you.

Do you want to live this way?

Do you want your kids to live this way?

How can you fix it? You can't.

You can only fix you.

It's starting to click. I got some shopping done & found a meeting that starts in 20 min. He's in the base....who cares. I'm outta here. Thank you ladies.

Julie,

How was the meeting? What message did you hear?

I drove thru the blizzard to arrive, a little late, to a meeting that was non-existant. How frustrating. It was the only one listed for Saturday (evening). So, I shopped instead. That's always been therapeutic for me. I walked/shopped until I was exhausted and now my feet hurt! I actually considered getting a hotel room for tonight - I just want to sleep, peacefully, without interruption or worry. But it probably wouldn't have been fair to go AWOL on selfish H so here I am.

Perhaps I'll go to tomorrow morning's meeting. There's still more shopping to do.

Julie, did you make it to that meeting today?

How are you doing?

Julie,

My husband's father.

He was "not an alcoholic" either.

He drank about 18 beers a day. When he had a very bad accident falling off of a roof (he denied being drunk - he had only had 6 beers at 930 in the morning...right, not drunk yet) the doctors told my MIL that he must not ever drink again because the cirrhosis of the liver was bad enough to kill him if it got any worse.

His head injury left his memory messed up - so MIL told him he "just had a beer" whenever he asked for one. It worked for awhile, then she caved in and just let him drink again. MIL also is "not an alcoholic", because she only drinks about 16 beers a day, that being less than 18 I would suppose makes you not an alcoholic if 18 beers/day isn't one...

I digress.

So he went back on the beer.

And the doctors again told her that he shouldn't be on the beer, because the mixture of the beer and pain pills would kill him. So she took him off the beer. Of course, she needed HER beer, so she kept it in the garage. She figured he wouldn't know it was there, his mind being messed up from the head injury. Ultimately, he found it, and would waddle out there for it. He was back up to too many beers, plus the pain pills.

So she started locking the garage door.

So he started driving - on pain pills and beer, with an addled mind.

He wrecked the truck, and had no real explanation. We don't really know what happened, but he did come back drunk that day.

She disabled the truck, and hid the keys to the truck and garage. She asked the neighbors not to give him anything to drink.

She took him off all alcohol. Until he cried and begged her for it. And she caved in again. She doled it out to him, like prescription medications. For awhile, it seemed to go okay, limiting him to two beers a day.

Then, she gave up. He had free rein again, because she could not control it and she was tired of trying. And tired of hearing him cry and beg (literally crying and begging).

He died one morning, just a few months ago. He had severe liver cirrhosis, and just stroked out.

He would have lived many more years with her. She is alone, and very lonely out in the country. She sold the truck. She's painting the house and the garage. She's re-doing the bedroom he used to sleep in. Trying to erase the memories.

She said to me, "I was stupid. I could have been strong, but I thought I could do it for him."

She was wrong - she could never have done it for him. And she could never have been strong enough to do it for him. She knows that - now.


She should have stood her ground long ago, and she knows it - too late.



When she stares out over the lake in the evenings, there, alone in her house, she knows it now.