She wants you to be there to cook and clean and serve her while she has $ex and texts OM all the time. That is why she does it.

I wish it could happen sooner as well. It is he77 on me being there right now knwoing what is going on. It is even harder not blowing up on her and telling her what I have done. So I will just continue her game until it happens. What is so sick to me also is she see nothing wrong with what she did Friday. And keeps saying we are just friends. It is hard for me to believe that this A will last and that she will find someone that will tolerate her behavior. And if she tries to come back with all of the I am sorry's this time I will not listen. I have heard them all before. To this day and I will always wonder why all of the i love you's.

I know, but for me it is hard to get my hands around it because I have or will never treat someone that way. Especially someone that I tell I love everyday. When I am gone it will hit her what all I actually do to take care of the home.

HF,

Would you consider not lying?

In the wayward state of mind, takes a lot of self-deception, gaslighting herself, too...and answering "What's wrong?" with "Nothing" just adds to the crap.

You're above that. I mean personally. Consider answering, "Your affair." and leave it at that.

Would be great if her parents weren't on your side, rather on the side of the marriage. That's the important difference seems in your responses you miss...what you did...exposure, informing, filing...is for the marriage.

If you permit yourself to do what she does...lie by omission and commission...then where does that really leave you? Playing games? Choose not to. Opt out. Stay and bring reality--not to get her to do/not do anything.

Do it because your marriage is real...and you're standing for it. Stop focusing on her actions...look to yourself. It's where the biggest regrets come later...whether in divorce or recovery...that you chose to suck yourself into what wasn't yours...so you ended up doing, feeling, believing what the wayward did.

Hold true to your code of honesty...she may respond horribly to your honesty...be honest anyway. The A is horrible.

LA

I am not lying about anything. I have told her A on many occassions when she asks what is wrong. She just says we are not having an affair we are jsut friends. I am so sick of hearing we are just friends. Do friends slow dance together? Do friends keep it hidden from their spouse? I don't think so. So why just not say nothing. She will soon see what is wrong. As for her parents, they really did not say much and I am not sure what they have said to her. At this point I really do not care. Her dad only said that ya'll have so much to loose. My response was I am not doing this and left it at that. Yes the affair is horrible, and she is not going to end it, so I decided to end it for ME!!! And I would never come to a state of mind that she is in. I am a stronger person than that.

You're doing fine NOW ... the hardest part is taking that initial action ... once you overcome that obstacle you will feel so good about your ACTIONS that you will not allow yourself to resume doormat status.

Like you said ... you are doing it for YOU NOW, and YOU are better that what you've had to tolerate.

My only advice is to lean on your attorney. Tell him ... "Look, I'm taking YOUR advice to stay in the home until WW is served, but IT'S KILLING ME to have her continue to rub my face in her A. Get the damn complaint filed and get her SERVED so I can move on with my life."

Remember, he's working for YOU. He can churn out the paperwork and get it to the Sheriff for service in a DAY.

He told me to stay for abandoment reasons. For everything that we/he is writing up there is no way that it can get done in a day. The Holidays is a snag, but in time. He77 what is a few more weeks. I have endured what she has been doing for a year. When I am in the house I just do everything that I always have done and try to tell myself she is not there. I focus on my kids and make sure they have what they need, but she goes on with her wayward ways. Giving kisses, notes, like nothing is wrong and she is happy. It is time for me to be happy. And even thought this is painful I know in time I will be happy again. After D how long is it recommened before you start looking for another companion?

OK, its your call ... you've already proven you can take more abuse than most, so if you're OK with the attorney's timing, that's really all that matters.

As for dating after D ... you will get A LOT of differing opinions, but considering what you've endured with multiple A's, I'd say as soon after the D is final as you feel READY ... go for it.

Many will say to wait a year or two in case the WW wants to R, but in your case, that shouldn't be an option given her history, so AFAIC, proceed at your own pace once the D is final.

For me it will probably be a year or two. I have been through a lot, and I know for my W even if her A does not work it will be a week or two. I think that I can endure for a few more weeks. It is just hard to not blow up to her about the A and blow my hand by telling her what I have done. Friday night really P me off, but after I thought about it what she did that night was the reason for what I did. What are your thoughts on how she acted that night after she got home? What are your thoughts on what she is doing now? You know I kind of felt all along that I was going to do this anyway. After the first OM I told myself then after she asked me for another chance that I would never go through it again, and there would not be any second chances.

You're not lying when you say nothing is wrong...and you stopped saying "your affair" because it didn't stop the affair, is that correct?

So instead of saying "Nothing is wrong" would you consider, "You know what you're doing is wrong"?

I ask for you...this is a real affair, you know it, many people know it...when you put someone ahead of your marriage, your partner, that's an affair. When you knowingly do that which will harm your marriage, hurt your partner, it's an affair. Her actions are all around out of bounds.

You don't have to make her know it...nor can you. You knowing it, staying honest...even in the small things, the tiny answers is key.

"I know you are not just friends because you don't put friends ahead of your marriage."

Not an argument...an I-statement...calm, assured and real.

Why just not saying "nothing"? Why not avoid reality with her, is that what you mean? Why saying anything if it won't get you the response you want?

Because you have no control over anyone else's response. Your duty isn't to get her to stop her A...you're doing what needs to be done to end the A. There's the difference.

And to me, on your thread, that's the key element missing from self-respect...it isn't dependent on outcome.

But our own actions. Each word counts. Would you have rather your real wife, pre-A, not done the "nothing" in response to your question, or have shared how she's nurturing, growing resentment for you, building it into entitlement, not respecting her own responsibility and limits?

Or would you rather have heard the truth? We can't go back...we can sure change what we do now...so that in the end, no matter the outcome...we can know we did everything, were honest in the face of deceit, acted ourselves what we most wanted in others.

That's the legacy, if you choose. What only you can take with you...true self-respect or the fake kind. The line between bullying (manipulating) someone else or acting from tough love is whether you did it based on possible response or your own code.

She may not see what's wrong...self-deception goes deep...is needed to perpetuate the wayward state of mind. You're doing what you're doing because of your choices.

And she may. She may get it. She may wake up the day before she's served to...not in your control.

I'm giving you what I learned, the bigger, longer, full of regrets and remorse picture...it's okay if you want to stay focused on others...seemingly lessens the hurt inside, in my experience...until it doesn't.

And then the double betrayal, the doing what she did inside your own mind overwhelms you with pain. What you did to yourself, too. Not her doing...you choosing.

What does not care mean to you? You care about your family, you act from love for others...how 'bout you? You don't like what she's saying, doing, believing, thinking or feeling right now. That's caring. Not indifferent...and what your inlaws say, do, etc. is out of your hands...you can still want their intervention, actions on behalf of your marriage.

It's a new perspective, HF, which will lessen your pain and fear, hence your reactivity. Won't change anyone else. Just your experience.

It's a take it or leave it life in every single moment. I appreciate your consideration of my posts.

Her father is right...you will lose much in divorcing. Which isn't plan FU at all. Plan FU doesn't include a "nothing" response. Read AmIOK's threads if you want the Plan FU.

Your WW's affair will end. Period. You're choosing to believe it won't and therefore experience huge pain, feeling out of control and doomed. You're doing that. Reality is different.

You're the real partner, her real husband. OM is a fake, a fantasy, a made-up person. Don't treat his a real...it's her choices which attack your marriage, putting outsiders, others ahead of it. That's the issue.

Interesting you believe you would never come to a state of mind when you're entitled to destroy something because of another's persons actions.

Could be what she thought before she did. Whole thing about evil is you justify it in minute ways, never believing you are capable of it.

LA

WOW! REally do not know how to reply to that. I do not argue with her and I do make statements. When she says something and I mention OM or the A it is always wer are just friends, I am not having an A etc. etc. I am now at a point that I do not even tlak to her about her A. I came to the realization that is what it is. Plan FU for me may not be the same as for AmlOK's, but my rev know what I mean. Pre A I never told her nothing when she asked me what was wrong. There was always good conversation. She is a wayward now and you can not talk to them. I have learned that she does not speak or act rationally. I have learned that she has no sense of responsibility or intends on taking responsibility of anything. Hense me taking care of everything. I WILL NO LONGER DO IT. I took action, and I took the action that was IMHO the best action for ME!!!!!!!

Don't get too hung up on psychobabble. You're the only one who knows if you can hang on till late January without blowing a gasket. If I were trying to do what you are trying to do--unlikely, since I'd never think I could pull it off--I'd withdraw as much as possible from contact, too, to minimize the chances of setting myself off in some sort of verbal premature ejaculation...so to speak. :MrEEk:

tl

Hi Hogfan:

Good to see that you're standing up for yourself.

Continue to gather evidence of her A, and document your interactions with her wayward behaviour.

I suspect that her ILYs and other similar behaviour are staged - perhaps she's planning ahead so if you do ask for D, she can plead that she's always been the "loving wife" and you're acting crazy, etc..

EXACTLY.

That gets a bit thick around here at times.

HF, good for you for protecting yourself.

And HF...even though most do...KNOW that all affairs do not end. Don't let anyone lull you into thinking otherwise.

Hogfan,
Its great to hear that you took action to stand up for yourself. Your WW's behavior is utter crap, and we hated to see you being treated like you were. Its possible that she is just psycho and really does mean all the ILYs, and just compartmentalizes the affair with OM. If so, be prepared for a total meltdown when she gets served. I'd stick to your guns though. It doesn't appear that she is capable or even motivated to erect boundaries to protect you from her weaknesses.

So what is the plan for custody? You are filing for divorce, but are you going for full custody based on the fact that she is a drunk driver with no license? I would suggest that if you are suspicious that she will be doing it again, alert the police so they can pick her up. Its a harsh lesson for her to learn, but its better to learn it without killing someone else. It will, of course, also help you in custody decisions.

Good luck!

Thanks to everyone for all of the reply's. I really need it right now. This is a tuff thing to do because it has been my life for 17 years, and I was totally committed to my WW. I have scheduled an appointment with my Dr. to try and get on something to help me try not to think about it. WW called and left me a message while I was gone to lunch. Message said "I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and that ILY." My thoughts while listening to it "Yeah Right" and texting OM at the same time. If I would have known that she was going to drive home drunk I would have called the police. Not to be vendictive, but to report a crime. She actually told me that she was going to call me to come get her, but I guess OM took care of her. That is why I finally took her phone and called OM and told him if you wnat her she is yours. I am still so confused as to why she would hold onto me like she did not want to ever let me go like she did after her little play time Friday night. I have listened to everyone's reasoning, but it is still confusing to me. Some days she does that a lot and others it is distance. As far as custody of the girls. My attorney and I have decided to go joint for the time being, knowing that they will probably end up with me anyway. As far as marital property (house) it is going to be written so it gets sold. That way my name is not on any deeds, and all of the utilities are in my name and they get cut off. This also keeps her from getting half of my 401K. If she goes for half of my 401K we are going for half of her as well. But there is a lot more written in as well, and I can fill in all of that later. As far as when she is served will she come back. I kind of feel like she will with all of the I am sorry's again. She asked me for one more chance and I have given that to her. I have heard all of the I will never do it again stuff before. I think that she would never expect me to file, Boy! is she going to be wrong. I also think that she beleives that life for her will be great. We will see.

I am not going to let anyone lull me into thinking that all affairs end. Not even her. My final decision was made on teh fact that she has let a third party enter our marriage, even if she just thinks it is a friend. I knwo that I deserve better than this for all I have done for her and given her. I have a lot of good memories, but also a lot of them have been erased with her behaviour over the last year. It is unexceptable and I am no longer going to tolerate it.

Hey Hogfan, it's great to see you standing up for yourself. There is no shame in divorce for a BS. Your WW is a first class cake-eater if I ever saw one and does not deserve you. These next few weeks will be harrowing, but after that life will get easier. Hang in there and keep us updated.

Yes, it is already harrowing. It is hard to walk into the house and see her there and not tell her what I have done. I will find out what day she is going to get served, and I thought that the night before is when I will tell her that I would tell her look I know you are having an A you know it, and OM know it. Now everyone else know it and how you are and then look my WW in the eyes for the last time and tell her now I am leaving you. Boy it is going to be very, very hard for me. It is going to hurt deeply. He77 it hurts right now. But the pain that I have been carrying around she no longer cares about, and is able to walk around acting all happy go lucky. How do you get past the hurt of D. I don;t want to have to start all over at 36, but I am not going to be treated this way any longer, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to not be treated like that.